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Messages - moonlightnanana

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1
General Discussion / Re: Is there anybody here with no family?
« on: November 30, 2017, 04:31:34 PM »
Growing up, all my good friends were super close with their families.
God that was *... like some sort of cosmic joke. It was like the universe was reflecting my feelings of "see, look, you're unloveable, everyone else is happy but you. you don't deserve a family."

Even if I'm not emotionally close to my parents, there are tons of people out there in the world to meet  :grouphug:

You are definitely not alone!

When I feel alone, I like to watch Mr. Rogers videos :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlE8sfSVk2U

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Worried about the future :(
« on: November 29, 2017, 08:29:35 AM »
I am grateful for all of your replies... as I read each one of them my tears starting coming down. Thank you so much. It's so frustrating being surrounded people who seem like they have it all going for them, my whole life I've felt like I'm the only one who always is struggling alone.  :grouphug:

@goth_mike

I can totally relate to that. Thinking I know what I want and then realizing I don't know if I really want it is something I go through a lot. Thanks for wishing me luck!  :grouphug:

@Dee

I think one of my problems is that I feel like worrying about something will get me results. Like not worrying will make me slack off.
I enjoy karaoke and yoga. Also being in a dark room with candles. (sounds creepy XD) I also like taking walks but after work I don't want to be around people so I tend to hide in my apartment. The problem is I hate my work environment and I feel like it drains my power ... and it's so easy to just go back home and numb myself with netflix. Being at work really numbs my emotions it's hard to let them open again.

@sanmagic7

I do journaling most mornings, and it does help me think a bit more clearly.

@Blueberry

I LOVE your suggestions. I actually really struggle with meditation and then usually berate myself for not doing it regularly.. can't help it if it's taxing to do. I have some coloring sheets that I've done a few months ago but forgot about...
I've loved singing since I was a child, I've never heard of that technique before!!
So you just pick a melody and create your own words to it? Is that how it should work? Could it be a melody of a song I know? I'm currently listening to the Miss Saigon soundtrack non-stop so maybe I could use melodies from that musical...

@Restful
Thanks for your encouragement.  :grouphug:
I often feel so pressured by the world to move at a pace that doesn't suit me... I really feel like I don't fit in with the standard 9-5 work ethic, high intensity, pressure-filled lifestyle that modern society demands... I really wonder how I'll be able to survive. It just feels like the Man keeps knocking at my door telling me to give me a straight answer.

@DecimalRocket

What is the most essential piece of information to look at?
Breaking it up. Thinking about it that way does make me feel a bit better.
I'm a very intuitive person but I tend to disconnect from myself when my inner critic puts pressure on that side of me... if I can relax I'll probably be able to connect better.

Wow, I feel a little lighter. Thank you all seriously.  :cheer:




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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Worried about the future :(
« on: November 28, 2017, 01:08:03 PM »
I'm having lots of anxiety and panic.. hopeless...  regarding my decision.

And it's starting to spiral out of control.
There's so much I have to offer to the world but making a move is extremely scary.

I live in Asia and have to decide whether or not to stay .. I'm trying to look for other jobs in this country and apply to graduate school in New York... but everything feels wrong and I don't know what to do.

I need to do something... there's this sense of constant urgency but I'm so overwhelmed I freeze. I cannot get anything done.

Any suggestions on overcoming or dealing with this feeling of being trapped? I need to make a decision soon and I cannot think clearly.. :(
 :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :disappear: :disappear: :disappear: :disappear: :disappear: :disappear: :disappear: :disappear: :disappear:

By the way I'm not moving in with my parents, oh god no, I've finally escaped that house and I'm not going back T-T

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Christmas & New Years / Re: Jealousy and Anxiety about the Future
« on: November 25, 2017, 12:30:11 PM »

I understand the expat life and everyone does tend to take off.  I also never left to see family that I didn't want to see.

Have you tried journaling, drawing, coloring?  All these allows you to get out those feelings.  It does work for me.  Lately I've drawn a collage that resembles a puzzle and each piece is an emotion.  I colored disgust, shame, jealousy in colors and design.  I also write poems lately. 

I did my entire graduate degree online from a remote location overseas, while still working.  It is an option.

I hope you feel better.   :hug:

Thank you for your reply. It really is reassuring to know I'm not alone.
One of the reasons why I want to try and go back is to establish a community... when I think about making a decision my heart sinks. I just feel trapped.
I'll take up your suggestions on drawing and poetry.

Thanks :)

5
Christmas & New Years / Jealousy and Anxiety about the Future
« on: November 23, 2017, 03:23:23 PM »
Living in a different country with a bunch of other expats is like college. You get to escape your "home" and meet a bunch of people who become like family.

However, during the holidays, for me it's just *. Everyone is so excited about going home.
Meanwhile I slink in the corner and say nothing.
Whenever people talk about their relatives and people back come I feel invisible.
I feel like no one would ever understand me.

What should I say? Yeah right now probably my dad is beating the * out of my mom, both physically and emotionally. She's alone and I left her with that god awful man.

That's all I have to say about my family.

I've moved around 3 times so I don't have that "oh I can't wait to see my childhood friends~ we're gonna have a jolly old time during the holidays~" vibe.  I hardly had any friends growing up anyway because I was too afraid of people.

It's so hard not to feel bitter. To not feel betrayed somehow by life. Why does everyone around me have what I always wanted?

^ This is the mindset that I always find myself in during this time of year... it's horrible and not good for me. It just makes me feel horrible about my life, myself... like I'm trapped and will always be miserable and alone.

How can I manage these emotions? I don't want to ignore them anymore but if I let them out I feel so ... awful and stuck.
- - - - - On another, yet similar note - - - - -
My job requires that I decide whether to renew my contract to stay in this country another year.
I'm kind of tired of the job but it pays well and I can support myself without having to deal with my psycho dad.
I would like to move back to America to start a home of my own... I'm in the middle of applying to graduate school but I would not be able to support myself and would have to rely on my psycho dad...

Also if I don't get accepted ... I don't know what I would do. I have to decide whether to stay in this country by January... but the results for graduate school won't come out until May. :/
I'm also thinking of applying to other jobs in this country but honestly ... I've gotten attached to the people in my area.
What's more is I hate change. I'm tired of moving around.... ugh whatever I do everything just feels wrong.

6
Sleep Issues / Night anxiety/ Dreading mornings
« on: October 11, 2017, 01:02:18 PM »
I (like right now) usual feel anxiety before I sleep. I guess the prospect of going to a job that's too long and puts me out of my comfort zone (I speak English at work most of the time but sometimes I can only use this country's language) AND interacting with people who are older than me makes me nervous..  it's a general feeling of dread.  :fallingbricks:

Also even if I go to sleep early it takes extreme amount of effort for me to wake up. I usually wake up 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave my house and always arrive at work late.... and I get away with this because no one at my workplace really cares/seems to notice  (issues of being a foreigner in Asia) BUT ANYWAY...

But I really believe the importance of maintaining a morning routine... I keep trying to make myself wake up at least at 7.... but I just succumb to my feelings of dread and fall back to sleep. I don't know how to break out of this cycle  :stars:

Anyone have any tips?

7
General Discussion / Re: Support Group
« on: October 10, 2017, 02:01:51 PM »
Thank you both for responding to my thread. Yes, that right there was an emotional flashback.  :grouphug: I'm still not that great at alleviating my EFs.  :spooked: But I found the strategies listed by Pete Walker very helpful. The consistency practicing them is a struggle though.

8
Sorry for the late response!
I truly appreciate everyone's comments :']
 :grouphug:

It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

9
:bighug: (if it's okay).
You got us here to talk to. And even if you can't believe in yourself right now, I do believe in you.

I really appreciate that hug emoji :')
Thank your for your kind comment!

10
My goodness, I wouldn't know what to do in that situation either unfortunately. But that's just horrid personally. "We need to find you a man"? "Why are you so reserved". Yuck, I would hide away from that person forever and ever. I absolutely hate it when people are like that. :S I get they're trying to be helpful but you're right, they're not therapists.
I guess, what I would do in that situation is to simply say; "They're my problems, not yours". Probably sounds a little iffy but you get the message across pretty well that you don't want their help. Or even perhaps a "I'll handle things myself", which shows them you're 'doing something' and might make them back off a little. But these are just ideas, I dunno if they actually do much good haha.

That mentality of "I've solved my problems and I'm fine and confident now, so when I see an insecure person, I'm gonna force them to be like me"... is something I'll never understand.  :stars:

11
They sound like douches.

I know you may not be up to it, but sometimes I keep the mood light by giving some ridiculous answer or/then flipping a personal question back on them. Either light, or I just enjoy the challenge to out-douche the douches.

For example, off the top of my head, a response to 'You've got issues' I might say, "Yeah you're right. I've got an issue with this choice of drink, I think they've sweetened the sugar with more sugar / I don't think this tiny umbrella is really going to keep all the rain off / this song sounds like a hyena on speed... "

Just making random stuff up now. The main point is to use their rude questions to take the attention away from yourself. If they're particularly obnoxious, you might have an issue with their choice of shirt...

I like your advice. If only my automatic reaction to these kind of people wasn't freezing and being submissive  :fallingbricks:

12
So my mom lives with my dad who treats her like crap... meanwhile I'm in a foreign country trying to plan my move back to America. Problem is, I don't want to live with my family. Just seeing the way my dad puts down my mom every single day (and most people he comes across) made me sick when I visited them for 10 days. AFTER ONLY 10 days of being with them this past summer, I was ready to get the h*ll out back to Asia.

Another problem, I want to continue my relationship with my mom, but she won't leave my dad because her English is not that good (she's from central america) and she relies on him for money. I really don't know what I should do. I distanced myself from my mom because it just hurts too much... she lives with such a horrible man and has no friends.  He is  extremely controlling too.  I can't even enjoy a nice dinner out with my parents because I'm so conscious of how my dad puts down my mom, even in front of the waitresses/waiters, and I know strangers can see how messed up their relationship is and that makes me feel so ashamed.

And she stays with my dad because she knows he'll support my graduate school studies. Well god, how am I supposed to feel... ugh anyway I digress...

I'm done with trying to convince her, that hurt too much too, but ... I have no idea what to do in terms of forming a relationship with her. My instinct is to continue to hide in Asia making money, not needing to rely on dad, not needed to feel obligating to talk to him... but then what? I'll regret it when my mom dies, it feels like I'm abandoning her. Honestly I don't have a relationship with my parents at this point but if there's a way to rebuild some type of relationship without getting hurt I'd like to know how to do that... :fallingbricks:

I feel sorry for my dad because he's been having health problems, but then a part of me wishes he would pass away. My mom would do everything to take care of him if he got sick, but I absolutely cannot picture him taking care of her when she gets older. And I'm the only child, so it all depends on me.

13
If I'm around chill people it's fine, but there's always some issue that comes up when I'm around people who are confident. People who are confident AND notice that I'm not confident and try to change me.

I live in Asia and was hanging out with a bunch of expats this weekend. We were drinking and one of them comes up to me and goes "you know, you seem to have issues you need to sort out. I could sense it when I first talked to you. We need to find you a man." "You should be more confident speaking this country's language."

Yes, I am jealous of this person because he can approach anyone and talk to them, and also has good language skills. I've lived in this country for a year but my progress in speaking the language has been so slow, it's a sore point for me.

But please..... like hooking me up with someone is going to solve my issues. You don't even know where I come from. And of course this guy comes from a stable loving family.. *not jealous*  :fallingbricks:

And he kept probing me, saying things like "why are you so reserved?" Why do guys like this always pick on me? It's not just this recent example, but there have been multiple instances where guys like this have tried to "break me out of my shell" and it really p*sses me off.  :doh:

Why can't some people mind their own business without wanting to "fix" me? It makes me feel so horrible about myself. *sigh* I don't know how to handle these emotions or how to respond to these situations. Does anyone have any advice on how I should respond and how I should deal with this situation?

Lately it feels like whenever I hang out with people I end up getting offended or hurt in some way, and I just wish I could enjoy other people's company..

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Morning and Evening Anxiety
« on: October 06, 2017, 09:10:15 AM »
I had created a morning routine last month.. which lasted for two weeks. It really helped me to feel more positive and I felt physically and emotionally healthier.

I had to stop the routines because of friends visiting, and since then I've been meaning to reestablish the routine again. But somehow I just can't, even though it felt so good. I've been waking up later and later, mainly because I don't really like my job and I dread going to it. At least when I did my morning routine, my job was more bearable. I had more energy...

And at night, I can't seem to let go of my computer addiction. I get anxious about the next day, and I don't want to face it.  This week a lot has been going on and subsequently I haven't been sleeping well due to being anxious. I use my computer before I sleep and end up staying up until 1 am.. If I don't have my computer, I'm still really anxious and can't sleep.

Anyone have any suggestion on how I can get out of these habits?  :fallingbricks:

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Feeling Overwhelmed
« on: October 06, 2017, 08:01:46 AM »
I wasn't sure where to post this exactly but here it goes.

Since September I have been researching about all the different options for treatment. Recently, I found a youtuber who suggests that CBT and NLP treatments do not go deep enough to heal the trauma suffered by people who have CPTSD. What's more, she stated that they were actually harmful in that a lot of therapists present them under the guise that they can solve your problems in an efficient way.

I know I still have a lot of work to do before I really heal... I can't even access a therapist here because I'm not in America. But are CBT and NLP really harmful?

I was also wondering about the law of attraction... what are your thoughts on it? Is it wrong to be manifesting positive things in your life without fully healing from your trauma?

There's so many different ways to heal I feel like just researching about this all is distracting me from making real progress.

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