Menu

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Show posts Menu

Messages - CepheidVox

#1
Frustrated? Set Backs? / I deserve to be like this
September 22, 2017, 07:06:21 AM
I have a part that self-sabotages. Whenever things seem like they might be improving this part will be uncomfortable and look for ways to return to a state of unhappiness and self-hate. I want to be on the shore enjoying the sun but this part of me wants to run directly into the ocean and drown in it. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and comfortable or that being better is too much responsibility and being worse is easier. I don't want to feel this way, I want to want to be recovered. I don't know how to stop ruining my life.
#2
Letters of Recovery / Letter to 7 year old self
September 22, 2017, 06:36:04 AM
Hello Laurel, it's Me.

I love you. I know you feel like no one loves you but it's not true. Lots of people love you, they just didn't know how to show it to you.

I'm sorry that I was mean to you and yelled at you; I didn't understand who you are and what you do for me every day. You went through things no child should have to go through and you're very strong for doing it. I'm so grateful to you for taking those memories and fears and keeping them so I could be free from them most of the time. I know it hurts and I hope we can share that burden now so you don't need to be hurt all the time.

It's okay to be scared and sad and angry because I can protect you and tell you it's okay. I wish someone could have done that for you when it was happening. I'm here now, I can help you now that I know you're there and need help. You are loved and you are safe from now on, I promise.

Love,
Me
#3
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Distress Tolerance Box
September 22, 2017, 05:41:42 AM
In DBT I learned how to make a distress tolerance box and it really helps me. Sometimes when I have a bad episode I forget what helps me feel better or even that I can feel better. The box has things that help or things that remind me what helps. Here are some examples:
Sensations

  • Hear: headphones and an mp3 player, a musical instrument, crinkling material
  • See: nice pictures, pretty rocks or leaves
  • Taste: sour candy, chocolate, mints
  • Touch: feathers, stuffed animals, stress toys
  • Smell: lotion, incense, candles
Distractions

  • puzzles, sudoku, crosswords
  • list of TV shows and movies you like
  • colouring books, crayons, crafting materials
  • bits of nature like pinecones, rocks, leaves
  • list of activities that help
Affirmations/Reminders

  • list of your boundaries
  • your bill of rights
  • letters or quotes from people that make you feel good about yourself
  • prayers, mantras, or personal affirmations
Crisis/Emergency

  • Therapist/doctor/psych phone number/email
  • Crisis help line and 911
  • list of trustworthy people and their contact info
#4
Self-Help & Recovery / Free Treatment Books
September 22, 2017, 03:46:33 AM
I have collected a bunch of epubs and pdfs regarding CPTSD, BPD, DID, and trauma recovery. I want everyone to have access to them so I made a google drive. Feel free to download them and share the link to anyone who needs these resources.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxbhXNkT67stRnFiUXhNYW1iRVE
#5
Sexual Abuse / Re: no memories (triggers)
September 21, 2017, 06:27:19 PM
Quote from: woodsgnome on September 21, 2017, 09:58:30 AM
One other thing I'd like to ask, though, CepheidVox, it it's okay. On the thread "Emotional Flashbacks/What Helps With Your EF's" you mentioned something you call a "distress tolerance box". What is that? Just curious, I guess; always wondering about new ways to lessen the effects of EF's.
I took a DBT course and it taught me lots of distress tolerance skills and at the end we made a box with all the things that worked for us. Often I dissociate or switch into a younger self so I forget the things I've learned to help myself. Now when I have a bad EF I can open the box and be reminded of what helps me. My box has a pinecone (reminder to go for a walk in nature), a squishy dolphin toy (it's broken so I can't squeeze it too hard and it's really cute so it's kind of a reminder to be gentle with myself), a piece of foam that feels really soft and nice (a tactile sensation that helps me in dissociative moments), some strong lemon candies (another sensation), semi-precious stones I really like and some small ammonites, a pen and small notebook to write down my thoughts and feelings. It also has some emergency numbers and a list of rights to remind myself that I'm allowed to feel and be myself.

Thanks Vanilla, it's really reassuring that I can still heal without knowing the story of what happened to me. My body definitely remembers something and I'm going to try and trust it instead of thinking I might have made it up. I'll talk to my therapist about this somatic technique, maybe it'll help me too.
#6

  • Allowing myself to feel feelings when they are triggered instead of pushing them down
  • Going to therapy, talking about what I feel with my boyfriend
  • Stuffed animals, sleeping, taking a warm bath; physical comforting
  • Singing, colouring books
  • My distress tolerance box
#7
I have two kinds.

Panic type:

  • Panic, fear of death, sense of impending doom
  • Stiff, frozen, movement feels disjointed
  • Desire to run and hide
  • Pain in jaw, face, neck, and chest
  • Extreme shaking, grinding teeth
  • Holding breath
  • Sense of being small, young; sometimes amnesia of adult life
  • Confusion, dizziness, nausea, headache

Anger type:

  • Extreme self-hate, denial of goodness in self
  • Extreme shame, self-disgust
  • Tense, clenching jaw and fists, restless
  • Self-harm/suicide desire
  • Hot, nauseous
  • Feeling like I'll lose control or explode
  • Hearing a voice in my mind telling me horrible things about myself
#8
Sexual Abuse / Re: no memories (triggers)
September 21, 2017, 04:53:54 AM
Thanks everyone... I think you're right, Kat, I do know something happened to me because of the evidence; I just don't know what, I hope you're right, Dee, and I can recover without needing to know what exactly it was. I really appreciate being heard on this, thanks everyone.
#9
Medication / Re: Quitting Zoloft
September 19, 2017, 08:22:26 PM
Right, sorry. I'll ask and update you guys here.
#10
Medication / Quitting Zoloft
September 19, 2017, 05:05:59 AM
I was put on Zoloft about 6 years ago and took 100mgs daily until about 4 months ago when I went down to 50mgs. I want to go down to 25mgs next but I don't have a doctor... these are capsules, not pills, so I can't split them since it's a powder inside there. Does anyone have experience with SSRI discontinuation? Do you think I could just stop taking it now that I'm down to 50mgs or should I figure out some other way to get a lower dose first? I feel like Zoloft has deadened my good feelings as well as my bad and I can't take it anymore. I need to get off of it ASAP.
#11
Yes, I have OSDD, which is nearly DID. My parts are less separated than in DID but they're separated enough to have their own memories and opinions. I think DID as a dx is reserved for only the most severe examples...
#12
Friends / cannot make friends
September 17, 2017, 05:28:37 PM
I can't make friends. I can be coworkers with someone... I'm very polite and kind and people often come to me with their worries and open up to me about their lives. I can open up to them too, but I always feels like I'm tricking them into being around me. When people want to hang out outside of work I just can't do it. I feel strange. I don't like the obligation of friendship, I can't be comfortable knowing someone likes me as a person. I can't believe it. I have my boyfriend who I trust but I can't extend that trust to other people. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you fix it...?
#13
Sexual Abuse / no memories (triggers)
September 17, 2017, 05:18:11 PM
I don't remember most of my childhood but I think something happened to me, There are lots of strange things I remember from all periods in my life that could be clues. I developed a fear of bathrooms bad enough to make me wet myself at school in 1st grade. I have a memory of being on the floor in the school bathroom but it has no context, just the image and general unease. When my parents were separated I stayed with my dad in places with lots of different men who were also drug addicts... I called my mom and begged her to take me home a few times and refused to explain why (according to her, I don't remember this). In early puberty I was afraid of penises and didn't know why, I thought I was a lesbian. Looking at them made me feel sick and nervous. That's not normal! It doesn't just come from nowhere! I can't remember any sexual abuse but something is wrong with my body. I can't orgasm from sex and so I fake it - I've been faking for almost a decade with my boyfriend. I feel disgusted by my body. Both of my parents are CSA survivors. Will I ever remember what happened to me?
#14
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: It's trying to kill me...
September 17, 2017, 04:57:09 PM
I have this voice too! It talks to me constantly when I'm working or otherwise in public. Points out ways to hurt or kill myself and why I deserve it. Tells me what other people think of me (inaccurate stuff, of course). My voice comes from a fragmented aspect of my self from before an actual attempt at suicide when I was a teen.
#15
Yes, I have this feeling too. It feels like day to day life is just not important. Other people are so wrapped up in their work and relationships and it just feels so trivial. Nothing touches me.