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I have just ended a therapy group that I attended for almost 3-years.  I gained so much from the group but finally got to the point where I felt stuck at a certain level.  It also coincided with 2 other group members leaving who I really trusted.  I am now trying EMDR with a new T and am hopeful that I can get to a deeper level. 

We did a lot of experiential work in the group, but it was a lot of "old-school" group work.  I feel it was very beneficial and included Gestalt (empty chair) psychodrama (T or group members as stand in's - healthy and not healthy parents, inner kids, people), anger work and emoting (racket work, pacing, tantrum) talk pieces, grief work, nurturing, Shin cycle (releasing stuck grief), and various other work pieces.  We also did "brags" weekly (listing ways we improved with people, interactions, self talk, etc.) and accountability work.  Mostly self directed with a very experienced T guiding us during group.  Honestly, sometimes it was exhausting and it's definitely not for everyone.  I feel that there are many more updated modalities these days that are very effective.  I've search for C-PTSD group therapy in my area and haven't found anything.  Good luck.

From ah "One of my inner children wants a mom so badly that she sends me images and feelings from times when our NM was kind and warm and caring to us. She (the IC) does not see the big picture and how those moments, while perhaps occasionally authentic (?), generally were part of a bigger strategy on NM's part to maintain us as source of narcissistic supply and to maintain her image in our community as 'the perfect mother'. But, my IC still yearns for a mom... I still yearn for a mom... I am working on accepting that that option does not exist for me, and on mourning the loss. I am also working to parent my ICs to give them the love and safety and caring that they have always deserved but were cheated out of by our NM"

Thank you for this insight ah!  I see that with with inner child too.  I get images of a "kind" mom, most of which never happened, and didn't understand where they came from.  I usually quickly dismiss them and never thought my little guy just is wanting me to find a safe mom.  I need to nurture him more when this happens.  Also, I 'm quickly charmed when older women are nice to me.  I have to watch my people pleasing in these cases.  I love this forum.   

I totally relate SS and agree with Blueberry about trauma therapy.  I had a lot of coping mechanisms that are useful but the core issue for me was unexamined and unexpressed grief and rage.  It took some time but I found a group therapy where I can do some work where I can express grief and rage and speak my truth (symbolically) to my FOO, inner critic and other stand in's through gestalt and psychodrama. 

This stuff isn't for everyone but it's adding to my recovery.  Pete Walker's books are very good for addressing feelings in a therapeutic way and this community has helped me a great deal.  In the past, I often tried to pause, take deep breaths, avoid and other things when I would feel an emotional attack coming on and was sometimes successful.  I find that I'm much better at pausing and reflecting, instead of reacting, these days as I don't have as much of the unexpressed fear, anger and grief in my body as I used to.  Sometimes it all comes back though and I feel I will need these and other tools all my life.  I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I know from personal experience how out of control that feels.   

Welcome!  This is a great place to find identification and support.  It sounds like you have started down the right track and I also highly recommend Pete Walker's CPTSD book and his other book The Tao of Fully Feeling.  I too have struggled with alcoholism and have been in recovery for 8 years.  I didn't start to get any relief until I started working on my C-PTSD in therapy a few years ago and found this forum.  I see my story nearly every day here and have found so many resources.  This website has so much information in addition to this great forum. 

You are not alone LivingwithCPTSD.  I was, am, a very high functioning person who suffers from CPTSD and no one at work has any idea.  I had so much anger for so long that I didn't think it would ever get better.  For me, I needed a safe place to grieve and anger and guidance on how to do it.  I found a great therapist and a great weekly group therapy to get out all my repressed rage and grief.  The Pete Walker books added insight and depth to my work.  Practicing self care for me was very difficult for a long time.  I'm glad you are here and hope you find some hope and support.

Yes, I can relate.  After a year of minimal contact with my NM, before an actual boundary, she started calling me and asking how I was.  She never did this.  Also, she didn't go into a rant or talk negative about anyone and asked about my kids.  This completely disarmed me and my inner child was like "yippie she has changed, she really does love us!"  I was leery for a while but she kept at it.  Eventually, we drove across the state for a visit.  The fist day was ok-ish but I knew deep down what was coming.  The second day, she shamed me several times and we left when she started in on my kids.  I found out later that my brother completely cut her off and she was lacking her narcissistic supply.  Very cunning.  This had happened many times in my childhood but I had been groomed so many times that I went right back to it.  What is sad is that my inner child still holds out hope.  He also has a lot of anger and despair.  This was 3 years ago and I'm no contact now.  I'm working out the inner child feelings through grief work in group therapy.  I stand with you and totally relate.   

I suffered from extreme neglect as well as other forms of abuse.  I can tell you that the neglect had just as big an impact on me as everything else.  I came to this stage of my recovery looking at the results of what happened as proof that something bad happened.  It turned out, for me, that a lot bad happened and I lived my life as "the sensitive person" in all my circles.  Only recently have I had remembrance of my original trauma.  I disassociated a lot of my childhood.  Also, there was a lot I thought was "normal" in my childhood.  When I started talking about childhood with my T and a few safe people, they all told me that I suffered from a lot of neglect and abuse.  For me, it was like the lobster in the boiling water thinking he was taking a warm bath, and wondering why he was in so much pain. 

Welcome to the forum, I relate to your post a great deal.  This is a great place to explore your feelings and thoughts without judgement and lots of support.   

Welcome!  I still have "emotional memories" where I feel strong emotional feelings (often painful - emotional flashbacks is the term I use from literature I've read) that are not associated with a memory.  I'm learning through this forum and therapy that I have repressed a lot of memories but my brain will bring up emotions associated with my childhood trauma when I'm triggered.  I relate and I'm glad you are here.  Also, you communicate very well!

I felt, and sometimes still feel, the same way.  Welcome!  I hope you find the identification, education, support and hope that I have found here.   

Hi puppies4thesad, welcome!  You are in the right place and thank you for sharing.  I've found so much in this forum as far as identification, education, recovery and, most of all, hope.  I can relate to an extremely emotionally distant and neglectful father and my gaslighter and narcissist  was my mother.  I felt that it was my fault for not reaching out for help as a child but now understand that my parents wanted me quiet and complacent no matter what happened to me.  I found support in my 40s when I started my recovery and found out it is a basic right.  I hope you find lots of support and hope in here.   

Thanks for the thread, what I great idea.  Like I've heard from others, I've dabbled in a lot of bad dark poetry as well.  I've written a lot of short stories over the years but have never showed them to anyone.  Most were dark and involved a protagonist who is trying to overcome some obstacle, solve a mystery, or find meaning in spite of his depression or addictions.  I've journaled for years as well and write, in some form or another, a lot.

I've been thinking of an idea for a horror/fantasy story about some group therapy members uncovering an ancient truth behind all trauma.  Somehow coming across the "source" through their T taking them through an ancient "therapy ritual" and being able to see the truth of consciousness.  Something about facing a driving evil that has infected humans and is passed on.  It's probably a salvation fantasy I'm having for myself.  Also, it kind of sounds like the plot of many Steven King novels.  My inner critic squashes it every time.  Plus I want to always honor the truth of CPTSD and don't want to write something that cheapens any of this, even if I'm the only one reading it.

I've also considered a coming of age story based on my life, but with a hopeful/sad/soulful ending.  I'm sure that is common.  Great topic and I love hearing what others have written, want to write and have enjoyed writing.

This is probably my favorite book on C-PTSD (Maybe a tie with Pete Walker's Books).  I read it and have it on audible.  I've listened to it on my commute at least 3 times.  It has so much information that I catch or remember something every time I listen.  Bessel van der Kolk is one of my heroes.  He has made this his life's work and his experience, data, research and personal healing are all captured in this powerful book.  I love in the epilog where he says "we are on the verge of becoming a trauma conscious society" and where he says something like "if you have come with me this far in The Body Keeps Score, you have become part of this community".  I teared up when I first read that.

I always knew there was something very wrong about my parents, but thought that was the way it was for everyone.  For me, identification came after "hitting a bottom" with many ongoing issues operating at once - ongoing depression, anxiety, hypervigilence, substance addictions, paranoia, inability to trust, intimacy problems with all people, crippling bouts of fear with no external source, process addictions, food issues, disassociation and numbing out, PTSD, CPTSD and on an on. 

It was always something and I thought all that was normal, because that is what my parents were like, until I couldn't live with it and sought help.  When I started talking about my childhood to friends, recovery meetings and in therapy, the horrified expressions and reactions started to tell me that I suffered from multiple forms of abuse.  What I thought was normal was not just abuse, but extreme, ongoing abuse that resulted in C-PTSD.  Part of the problem is I was trained to "don't talk, don't trust and don't feel" so I had no skills to process it and wouldn't talk to anyone about my issues. 

You may not have the same experience and only you can make the determination about you and your upbringing.  Whatever you come up with is your truth and will be respected here.  This is a safe and caring place to explore these things without judgement.   I hope you find some answers.

Thank you sanmagic for the support.  Before all of this I think my crying, rare as it was, had a lot to do with grieving the loss of my childhood and loss of my ability to relate to people.  When I would cry, before recovery, it would be very intense and I would usually desperately try to disassociate.  I really related to Pete Walker's article and he expands on that subject in his books.

It's an interesting subject and hard because I don't want to seem like I am welcoming depression, but I am ready to acknowledge it as a natural process of my recovery.  The most difficult part is not "reacting" to it with my 4F responses when it hurts too much.  Thanks for the hugs, hugs back and I hope all is going better.

Wow, so much great stuff and wonderful insight.  I'm going to look into Shadow Work and Automatic Writing right away.  I loved your take on CBT and on "what makes something true" and your thoughts on detail and summary conclusions.  I think it's good to make CBT more intellectually challenging as I never really got a lot out of CBT myself.  I think that's why I really liked how you have expanded it to be meaningful to you.  My issues with CBT is probably due to trust issues I have with most Ts.  Experiential or Relational Therapy "feels" safer to me right now as my inner child feels heard and I like gestalt, psychodrama and grief work, as weird as it seemed at first.  Thanks for giving me feedback!

Thanks for the insight Decimal, somatic awareness is new to me and I did start to notice the subtleties.  I'm interested in seeing where it goes.  I hated grieving when I first started it.  Now I allow it and sometimes welcome it.  I mostly do it in group therapy but it is now part of my recovery.  I continue to be surprised at how much stored trauma is in there even though my T continually tells me that there is a lot I haven't experienced yet.  Thanks for your post and see you later!