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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: Today at 07:42:28 AM »

Thank you guys.
My head is spinning and my stomach is just full of knots.

talked to Lady T last night. She also said I'd had a impact on her life. which was strange. But nice, yet I do doubt her on this.

I'm so tired. and so energetic and restless all at once. Exhausting!

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 18, 2020, 10:28:25 PM »

Thank you San, I will need your virtual hand. 

...

I've slowly been getting the impression that alot of people might show up next week. There is a potentiallity of it anyway, and it's crazy.
(alot of people of course is subjective.) I am freaking out a little bit. I am almost 90% certain that the first "abuser" will show up. I can't call her that, but her action had alot of consequences for me. But she was a child as well at the time, and well - it's called something else then. I just can't remember the terminology. I haven't had any contact with her for over a decade. Someone who knows her told me she'll be there, along with her parents. I'm nauseaous, but I am not in contact with my emotions surrounding her. I don't think I have forgiven her, but I don't think she ever understood the damage she caused way back then. I don't even think I'm all that scared of meeting her, I think it's more the fact that I'm realising that there might be alot of people coming. People who wants to support me, who are curious as to what I've made and want to show up and.. !@£€#¤§  that could potentially mean I've had an impact on people's life.. and... that's CRAZY!
I've always assumed I never had any impact. I'm forgettable. Invisible.
And now I have to accept that my view of myself might not be in accordance with how things really are. And that is confusing as !¤%"#. I don't quite know what to make out of it. And I don't even know what it looks like if it's not what I see it as.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 13, 2020, 12:43:24 PM »

Thank you both. I am fighting back tears here. I was re-listening to Brene Browns ted talks on vulnerability and on shame. They are good reminders. I have also decided to re-read a book on self-compassion.

I'm riddled with anxiety today. Nauseous and at times I just stop functioning. Which is really poor timing, because I really do need to function this week.
I haven't had a full-blown anxiety attack. Not yet. I hope it won't come to that. Although part of me wish it would come so I could be done with it and maybe it'd release some of the pressure. I had trouble working at work today. Talking about what I need and expect from the coming exhibition is difficult. But once we went down and started doing practical things and it was just me and one other things got a tiny bit better. At least for a little while.
It suck because it feels like I need alot of hand holding right now. And I hate it.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 12, 2020, 09:02:53 PM »

I wish it was easy, notalone. But I can't come up with one that I'm comfortable with.

---
*trigger warning*

All I've been thinking about today is SH and worse. I feel I am not worthy of anything. And I'm so full of shame. I don't deserve all the kindness from people.
I don't know how to deal with it. my mom texted me she's proud of me. I think that's the second time in my life I've heard her say that. well... heard and heard.
I don't deserve it.

I'm just chocking up.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 10, 2020, 09:16:26 PM »

Dear San,

I guess it's a universal thing that it's hard to let go of the people we care about. I wonder though, is it sometimes harder for those of us who's been ostracized? I suppose it doesn't always matter if you got trauma in your baggage, the hurt is still there. Just with trauma it's always there. It messes up on different levels as well.

...

I'm not as paranoid as I was last time. Although I'm seriously considering changing my haircolour, and change my coat whenever I leave the house. I also don't stay put in one place for too long. And now my name is all over the city, due to the exhibition. I'm TERRIFIED that they will show up. My only hope is that there will be so many people there that they can't make a scene, that there'll be too many people around to spark up a conversation, or ask me why I didn't invite them, or haven't talked to them for years. There might be a chance they wont notice, if they don't notice they might not come. I need to make myself a fail-safe plan. I just don't know what that should be, or how that would look like. I know my GP might attend, Lady T might be there. But they wont be there as professionals, they're not there to help me out that evening. I need to devise a plan. The obvious one is to talk to someone and make them my wingman, or woman. But I'm not sure how much I trust these people, or how much I want them to know, or if I even feel safe with anyone.

I'm stressing about everything. Money, old friends, the fact I haven't packed, food, sugar, SH, being good enough, moving, the exhibition, my next plan, learning new things. I feel like I'm just adding more and more things ontop of a growing pile, just so that I'll make sure I'm burying myself well and good in pain and difficulties. Why do I do this?

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Recovery Journals / Re: Discovery Journal

« on: January 08, 2020, 08:34:35 PM »

I am hoping that therapy will change how I see things, and help me unlearn behaviours I've learned in order to survive that is now unhealthy for me and are just creating a bigger devide between who I want to be and who I am. I hope that you try to give therapy a chance, it's painful. And sometimes it feels like it's making you worse, but pushing through that there's usually a breakthrough on the other end.

The goal is to get as good of a life for the time that is left for us, right?  Like you said, one step at a time.  No need to take it all in at once.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 08, 2020, 08:31:05 PM »

Dear san,

Yeah, I'm with you that people come and go in your life. Some are worth fighting for, and some come back after a break, and it feels like you spoke just last week eventhough it might have been months, or even years. And then there are friends you wish would fight a little harder for you, because... you thought the friendship meant more to the both of you. The girl I'm talking about told me last summer that she was super thankful for me for being there for her at the drop of a hat, and didn't hate her after a year of pushing me away. She was dealing with an abusive boss, I didn't know, well. I didn't know he was as bad as she told me, but I knew he was a bad sort. It took her a while to realize he was terrorizing her, and then for her to dare to get out. She got help really quickly and she's back on her feet. So last summer she told me I was a priority to her. Which was nice to hear, but I wish she had never told me that. Because it felt like a lie afterwards. She might have meant it at the time, but then... she got pregnant and things changed.  She's not due for another few months though. sometime in the spring. I knew things would change when the baby would come, but I hoped we'd stay close at least until then. I try not to think of her, because I'm terrible at letting people I choose to care for go.
Which is why letting go of roomie is soul crushing for me. It's against all my instinct and all my habits and all that I am to leave someone behind. Especially when they are wounded, and that I'm doing the wounding. It's just... I know it's not good to stay, for either of us. And I'm trying to be mindful of that.. but it's so damn hard to keep reminding myself of it.

It's so hard to stay strong.

Lady T said I don't need to talk to roomie or have any of the talks until after my exhibition. It's two weeks away. I need to focus on that. And I need to talk my self down from this increasingly big paranoia and fear that's building up.

Thank you for holding my hand and being here. Thank you so much.
My thoughts goes to you.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 08, 2020, 06:29:02 PM »

SH desire is high.
I feel low. Sad and also empty. I'd rather no go out tomorrow at all. I am so worried about money. My presecription for my injection tomorrow wasnt on the right kind so now I have to cover it all in full. And it's alot right now. With GP cost, Lady T cost, buscard isn't being covered anymore. Things to buy before the exhibition.
i told lady t today that I tend to find new problems and worries to delve into when I'm stressing and worried and terrified of something that I don't want to face or deal wtih,s o I take those feelings and put it into a "simpler" problem, or create problems just to have an outlet for those emotions. It's really not constructive, it's not helpful, and it's not effective. It just causes more pain. Although they all feel like legitimate problems.
Money worries are a legitimate problem. My friend not talking to me; not such a big problem. I stopped talking to her too. Nothing happen as far as I know of. But I refuse to send her a message saying "Hi, we've not been talking for a while, just checking in to hear how you're doing? And also ask if I did something to upset you?" Because I don't want to put the blame on me. It's not my fault whatever it is that makes her not talk to me.
I always came running to her, whenever she was in distress I was there. Within minutes. The last time we had a conversation I asked her though, to not assume that I'm always having a bad day - because it's not true. And it's hurtful that she only sees me that way. Right now I only have bad days. I have worse days and bad days.
I've known for months it's going to be a really, utterly, totally * time at the start of 2020. I knew that when I said I'm moving out in March. And it's right. It's a totally * time.
It sucks, because I wanted the time before my exhibition to actually be a good time. Meaningful, suspenseful, thrilling, anything - something - just positive and exciting I guess. it's not. It's just guilt, shame, doubt, sadness, paranoia.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebird's recovery journal

« on: January 08, 2020, 06:21:05 PM »

Sounds like you got two good books that are giving you help and tips on how to handle rough situations.
Re-reading them might also help too. I got two self-help books I am considering re-reading now at the start of the new year. I hope you find a better method than pain to distract yourself from the hurt though. 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 08, 2020, 06:02:58 PM »

I ran into him again while heading to my Lady T.
I'm panicky. I'm paranoidy. It's not a good time for this. There's too much else. SH is escalating.
going to my GP tomorrow, but I suspect it's a temp. That's not good. That doesn't work for me when it's non-somatic issues.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 06, 2020, 09:23:52 PM »

Thank you ThreeRoses for validation and the reminder to take one step at a time. And it's true, it is so much right now.

Shortly after I wrote the earlier entry I called Lady T. The SH impulse was too high. I broke down in tears crying on the phone with her. As usual she always makes me laugh too, at my own sillyness. I think humour is helpful to get through. I still felt like * though. But she calmed me down sufficiently to manage to choose how to deal with the rest of the day. I felt that if I didn't fix the poster, pick up and deliver items from my parents to my studio + going to the mall to get a new work-out bra and going to my workout session that I'll fail and become super lazy. She asked if there was one or two things I could postpone until tomorrow. I said maybe, but then it's just pushing it all over tomorrow instead. But I did manage to go home, and rest and figure out what to do next. She told me there would be no shame in not going to my padwork workout, or no shame in not doing any of the things I had to do. Because I would then choose the thing I'd need the most: Rest.
I manage to work on the poster a little bit though. it's out of my comfort zone, so I've no clue what I'm doing and I've no clue which one I like the best. But I did a little bit of it. After having a meltdown on my computer for it not working as it should and me not being able to fix it by the usual means.
I also ended up having a squib ( is it called that?) with roomie. I told him why I'm not doing so great. with the guilt and the shame in regards to him, and everything being too much. He then asked me if it was because I'm moving out or because of me telling him in a fit of rage that I was r* and that was part of the reason why I broke up. I said the former. He told me it was the latter that he was having the biggest issues with, why he kept having nightmares. So that obviously just made me feel even worse. I asked him "Do you want me to feel even more guilty and shameful than I already am? Is that *really* your intention? Because it is working exceptionally well". He didn't answer. I guess that's answer enough. Which both makes me feel awful and also angry at him. He has no right. He really doesn't.

I went to lie down and rest for a bit after that. To decide "should I go to the gym? or should I just go to sleep" I went to the gym. It was two really hard, but good hours for me. It was what I needed. I busted my arm a little, so I'm not sure I'll manage to go on Wednesday, although I have yet to be able to go twice a week. I'm still too weak for it. And oh boy am I weak. I'm so weak and slow.
But I will get stronger. I have to. I'm learning.

So it is really, really rough right now. I can' t talk to my friends, they don't understand. They don't want to. And also, even if they did - I would need them much more and for much longer than would be fair to them. So I can't ask them to be there for me in the capacity I need them. So, I am alone.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 06, 2020, 12:49:39 PM »

Thanks notalone. That is very kind of you. It's warming for me to hear that, I still feel terribly bad over it though

...

I am at the verge of panic attack. There's so much happening the next three months. Big things. And they are all incredibly emotionally draining. One of them is supposed to be a delight and a great opportunity. I've worked hard to get this far, but all I feel right now is a big lump of awfulness in my stomach. And I would like to cover it up with candy... But that will only make me feel worse.
And then there is the move. I get so annoyed when my friends bring it up, I think it is because they think it's so easy and that it's finally time I do it. And I get it. It is easy... For them. Because it's not them who has to do it. It's not them that has to live in it all. Feel the guilt and the shame.
Because that's all I feel. Theres no relief that time is finally almost here.
All I feel is crippling shame. To the verge I am about to cancel moving.but that won't solve anything. It won't make anything better.
But I feel so damn alone in this. I am trying to open up to my friends and let them know how much this is making me suffer.. but they don't understand. They don't see the problem. Because after all I don't owe him anything. It's been over for years. Etc..
I know all of that. But knowing doesn't take away the pain.. the grief. The hurt.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 03, 2020, 02:07:34 PM »

Thank you dear San. I am glad you're here with me. 

Sometimes I feel I should leave this forum. I feel so bad for still not having any energy to read others journal and check in with how everyone is doing and what's been happening.  I feel so guilty that I am not able to be a listening ear for others. And that this just never seem to end.

I feel disgusting today. I noticed I have gained weight. That's the wrong direction. And I am angry with myself for allowing this to happen.
I am trying to motivate myself to eat healthier and be more active. But all I feel is shame for not bothering to get off the sofa which of course is making me feel worse.
I am seeing Lady T next week. By then then it's been over s month since last session. She got sick and had to cancel. At a very bad time tbh. But not like she chose to get sick.

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Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck

« on: January 01, 2020, 08:11:32 PM »

 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: January 01, 2020, 08:10:44 PM »

I went to visit my friend and her family abroad for a few days between Christmas and new years, and it was wonderful. I forgot about my daily life. I forgot about my PTSD. There was no triggers, and it was just calm and nice. They were super hospitable.

But now I'm back home again.
Alone.
And I thought I'd relish in the fact that I would be home alone for a few days before roomie returns from his christmas break with his family. But I'm not.
I'm sad. I can't get off the sofa, all I'm doing is watching stupid TV-shows I don't particularly like instead of being productive.
I had things I wanted to get done before new years, but I don't feel it. And I hate that I need to be in a particular mind-frame to be able to work. It feels like I should be able to just push emotions aside and get on with it. But that obstacle is so hard to get past.

And I am wondering, if I'm just trying to escape instead of dealing with things. I would so like to not have to actually have things that needs dealing with for a while. Dealing with packing and moving, and avoiding further fights and avoiding my roomie when he comes back. I feel exhausted just thinking about it.
I went on the threadmill today and I had to tell myself over and over and over again that it's okay if I end up being tired afterwards. Being tired is not an excuse not to do things, because I'll be tired anyway. But it's such a difference between mentally, emotionally and physically tired. i'd much rather be physically tired.  Maybe that way I wouldn't have so many crazy "#¤s dreams and nightmares. 

But I am so scared of him coming back. Of more fights, or more him emotionally lashing out at me, telling me what a terrible person I am.
I don't know how he will react once he gets home tomorrow. Maybe it will be all fine. maybe we wont talk about it at all. Maybe there'll be weekly talks.
I have no idea.
The only thing I do know is that I'm scared.
So I eat.
And I had a surgery. So I feel bad that I'm eating stuff I shouldn't be after I had a surgery to get off all this excess, unhealthy weight. so I am filled with shame and guilt for that too.

I am self -sabotaging. I know. I just don't know why. Why? what's the point of that?