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Messages - Sceal

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1
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: December 04, 2019, 07:13:48 PM »
I went on this dating app...

But now I am freaking out. Am I supposed to tell them about PTSD? about why I got so many scars? About why I can't work full time? If so.. when am I supposed to tell them this?

Also why did I do this. I don't want to date now. I've never dated.

2
Recovery Journals / Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« on: December 02, 2019, 02:32:23 PM »
 :hug:
I am sorry that you are struggling so much these days. I hope that you will find some light soon, or manage to unburden some of that what you are carrying around.

Loneliness is such a terrible thing to carry around with you. It's so painful.


I've been thinking of you.  :hug:

3
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: December 02, 2019, 01:05:22 PM »
 :hug:

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: December 02, 2019, 07:09:51 AM »
Thank you :hug:

I told roomie I am going to let the landlord know this week I am moving in march. And invited him to join me, I know he doesn't like talking to them. Infact I don't think he has talked to them since we moved in 4 years ago... I was expecting a fight.
Or that he would start guilt tripping me.
He did neither. Instead he treated me with cold disgust.
I guess I should be grateful there was no fight. But I am still expecting it...
I am both dreading and looking forward to letting the landlords know I am moving.

Because then I have officially started the process and not only.. said I was going to.
But it is crushing me.

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 30, 2019, 08:59:42 PM »
Meeting my ex has been very nice. It's just like before. Like no time has passed. It's very nice.

But being at home now makes me feel dirty, unclean, unwelcomed. It is dirty everywhere. I keep cleaning, cleaning and cleaning... But it never gets Clean. I get so exhausted.
Being at home is exhausting. Even when I don't do anything.
I have reached out to a few friends and told them straight out. I am going to need my friends in the near foreseeable future. Hopefully I have told enough so I don't wear them out. And hopefully I will actually be able to tell them when I do need them.

I am having seriously dark dark thoughts tonight

6
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: November 28, 2019, 07:01:22 AM »
Happy to hear this!  :hug:

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 27, 2019, 09:57:31 PM »
Thank you Snowdrop, I hope you are right.

I had a talk with my GP today. My roomie's situation is difficult for him, and I told her I am scared he will emotionally guilt me into staying longer than I intend to. She told me that if he does that to tell him I need to think about it, and then come running to her and talk it out. I am scared that I am not strong enough alone to do it if he emotionally pressures me because of his own fear and desperation. I am not going to go into what his situation is, it's enough to say it's * and heartbreakingly hard.

Later I had a session with Lady T. We talked about being good enough again. And about measuring everything I do up against my self worth. If I do something poorly I am not worthy of anyone's respect, love or acceptance. And if I do something "good enough", it's still not enough, because it needs to be higher. I need to perform so much higher than what would be good enough for regular people. And since I can't ever measure up, I always feel like I'm so far below what is good enough. I told her that if I am to let go of my expectations, or of fighting to do things better than good enough in order to be good enough, then I am scared that I will lower them too much and that I will never ever reach the good enough barometer.
We had a whiteboard where she drew the lines. And she measured Mount Everest to be further down than my set expectations of how much I need to achieve on everything I do. From cooking to cleaning, to work, to art, to relationships, to friendships, to reading, understanding, getting dressed... It's not about perfectionism. I don't need to be perfect, and I don't want to be the best. I just want to be good enough, and slightly above it at times. And I want to believe it in myself, for myself. She leaned back and ruffled her hair and said she got worn out by just looking at the chart we'd made. And I agree, just looking at the board made me see how hard it is, how much harder I make it for myself. It's just..

I'm scared.

I'm scared that if I lower my expectations even slightly bit, that I will never ever surpass the "good enough" line. That I'll never reach it. And that I will then forever be cast out. Never be accepted, and taken into the warmth.
I feel mean about saying that too, like I'm disregarding the love my friends have for me. I don't doubt that, those closest to me. But it's hard for me to ask of them what I really need sometimes. I've gotten better at it, and it helps. But it's not enough, because I feel so detached from them most of the time. Like I don't fit, don't belong.. or rather.. I'm not worthy.

Tomorrow my ex comes to my city. He's coming here to visit me. I haven't seen him in 9 years I think it is now. I can't believe it's been 9 years. I've missed him, or I've missed his friendship. It will be good to see him. But also demanding.

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal
« on: November 27, 2019, 09:08:21 PM »
Thanks Sceal! :)

I'm more adjusted to the new medication now. I feel more accustomed to feeling better than I did before, so that's great. Still having trouble with sleeping though. I really wish it was better, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in the new year.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to make the best out of doing better than I have been in the past. I think I'll have to find a better balance at some point, I haven't even checked my phone in a few days, but for now I'm giving myself a "vacation".

Glad to hear you are more adjusted to the medication.
I hope you get to sleep better before the new years, I know it's not long off, but it's still a long time to go without proper sleep.

I think sometimes it is good to isolate yourself, if you're doing it for the "right" reason. Or rather, as long as you're not withdrawing from company due to anxiety or depression, but more because you need a breather.

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 26, 2019, 08:20:17 PM »
Thank you so much San.
It is true. Before my sudden dissapearence this summer I was very active in other people's journals and on the forum as a whole. This forum has given me alot. I tried to help out the moderators too for a while. But I've just come to the point where I can't hear or read, or watch other people's pain. It gets too me too quickly.  Someone once told me of an anology when I was younger and just getting sick.  Well, just getting treatment. I had a friend who was also very, very sick. And the nurse at the hospital told us that sometimes you have people in your life that are also suffering, and you want to do everything you can for them because you care so much, and you feel their pain so clearly. It's so familiar, and you don't want them to feel it. But what ends up happening is that although both are trying to help each other up and out of the bottom of the pit, it ends up both dragging each other down. We can't both be climbing the superslick slippery surface together, we're not strong enough to carry each other. So for a while, it is better to focus on ones own health.
And that is what I am trying to do, not because the people around me is trying to pull me down. But because I care so much and because I'm not strong enough for us both (plural) yet I end up back down at the pit.
It's not just here on the forum, it's in real life too. At work, with roomie, with friends. And I feel like the worlds biggest selfish person.

Update on the exhibition: I'm ALMOST done. two more images to paint, the lineart is NEARLY done on the last image.
Update on the dog: The vet says if we can get his pain under control and if we can clear up his gum-infection he has a good chance of living a few more years.  He's going in for dental care tomorrow. It's tricky, because it's anasthesia.. and he has heart problems. And that's always scary. I cuddled him all I could today.
Update on roomie: He's going through *. I feel really bad about it, it's not my fault. I'll try to support him. But I can't.. I really need to somehow find the strength to be a B* and still move out come march. Regardless of what happens. I really, really, really hope he wont guilt me into staying. I am really, really not strong yet.
Update on health: I've lost weight. Which is great. My muscles are all sore today, and I've been in some annoying pain. Not like ALOT, but the kind that doesn't let go. And I might have to sit out an workout this week - and I'm no fan of that. But I'm supposed to listen to the body, right?

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 25, 2019, 05:43:56 PM »
 
Sending you big hugs of support. :hug:
:hug:

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 25, 2019, 12:52:55 PM »
Thank you Perplex!
I really needed some kind words today.
I still feel really bad that I aren't able to read and comment on other peoples journals.
This mental fatigue for that is really long lasting. :( :(

I had kind of planned to take the day off today. But it's such a drag being at home now. I am stressing about being at home. About packing and moving, about letting the landlords know. About telling roomie that I am letting the landlords know and if he wants to come along or not. About my parents dog being really old and getting closer to death and it makes me so incredibly sad. I need him. I am so selfish, but I really do need that dog. He loves me so much and I love him.  There is no judgement, and cuddles for as long as I can be bothered, even past when I'm fed up.
I have my exhibition I haven't finished.
I have Christmas presents I'm not finished.
I have a friend visiting from abroad later this week.

I just have this vulnerable feeling in my chest and gut.
I want to spend money I don't have to make up for feeling bad.  And I keep getting messages and emails and so on about the various stores now having a "black week" instead of a black Friday. I don't need more crap. I need less.
I need people to buy my stuff.

I don't know how to reach out saying I feel like * to someone. Anyone. And I am not sure if it would even help to actually complain..

12
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 24, 2019, 10:46:43 AM »
Thank you dear San.  :hug:

I am shattered today. I have to work. They said I could call in sick, but my conscience isn't letting me.

I will call in sick tomorrow.
Maybe on Tuesday too... We'll see. I kind of don't want to be at home with mr.grumpyface. I don't know what his deal is these days. He doesn't want me to talk to him. I am too tired to push it. I hope he concludes that the best thing for him is to move back home.

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 22, 2019, 03:25:27 PM »
It is starting to dawn on me, that I might be stronger than I view myself.

Or maybe it is a fleeting thought..
Maybe it is a lie that people have been trying to knock into my skull for the past few years. That is my fear, along with that the truth is I simply are not good enough as me, myself alone.

I am being challenged and pushed these days. It's been alot to handle lately. But what I have to admit, is that although it has been alot. It has also been... Manageable.
This week started with therapy, which left me feeling good. Tuesday was work - where I had to fail but push past it. I had to deal with people, and I had to say NO. In a not so nice way ( apologized for that). Wednesday was my birthday. It was sunny. And I was feeling apprehensive about it, because I didn't know what I wanted to do. But I filled it with things *I* wanted. And with people *I* wanted to see, not any guilt or shame around that. Thursday I went to work, despite having said I might not show. Not only did I go to work, but I also went to the opening of the exhibition. I talked to two strangers. Although I mostly latched on to people I knew or hid near the door. And it was mainly due to a sense of obligation rather than wanting to. But I did it. And today I went to see Mr. T and there was a meeting afterwards which left me unfocused and feeling off and nauseous. Soon I got family dinner and theatre.
The week isn't over yet. The weekend is me working at the gallery. Alone. Which is making me more nervous than usual.

I think I might have managed to go through this week because I was expecting it to be hard and difficult and I prepared for that. I have set boundaries. To me and towards others.

Maybe I will crash once the week is over.
Maybe not.

14
Recovery Journals / Re: Discovery Journal
« on: November 19, 2019, 04:39:25 PM »
Sorry to hear you're having such a major EF. They are really difficult to deal with. I hope you'll be able to get some peace from it. And maybe try out that thing that was recommended.

15
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 19, 2019, 06:40:37 AM »
Can dealing with the situation with the two people wait until after you are through this EF? It is hard to deal with anything in the middle of an EF, but especially difficult to deal with people with whom you are upset.

I wish it could, but it's the situation that pushes me into an EF.

Jazzy:
I agree that there is a difference between knowledge and experience. I could have pointed it out in a little more friendlier and firmer way.

I just left the conversation entirely, I don't intend on getting back in on it. I left the group to themselves for a few days. Didn't interact in the group chat or anything. I didn't know how to talk to them. Then the one guy reached out and said he was sorry he'd missed out on me in the group chat. and Isaid he hadn't missed me, I hadn't participated. But it seems like he's not angry with me atleast. So I'm a little more relaxed around that.

Had my session with Lady T yesterday.
I've been feeling so drained. I've mostly kept in bed from saturday through monday til I had to go to Lady T. I say mostly, because I got up and got on a walk on sunday, and I finished a christmas gift and two advents calendar. But it was lazy slow work, and outside of it I stayed in bed. Which is rare for me. Being so drained always makes me feel lazy and annoyed. Annoyed I'm not making a better effort with... well, anything really.
Lady T and I talked about "good enough" being "good enough" and doing things "good enough". Where my fear comes from in regards that whatever I do is never good enough, that I don't have a measuring tape where I will know when I can accept that my effort or creation or... me.. is good enough. And for as long as I can't be sure it's better to assume it isn't.  It's a fear that if I don't work hard enough that people will shun me and shut me out.  As well as a fear that if I just label something as "good enough" then it's the same as me giving up on whatever it is. And giving up is a weakness..for me.
It becomes very black and white.

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