To Blueberry,
Maybe you're right, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I have the capacity to dive into that right now and see if it fits with me too. That it is trauma related. It might just be consequence of trauma symptom.
Thank you for understanding that fear. That when you leave the house you've done some fatal mistake that will end up burning down the house, or flooding it and generally costing everyone a buttload of money. All because you weren't paying attention. Forgot. Or something stupid.

It's so embarrassing.
--
My folks went out to the cabin in the end. I couldn't come up with a good excuse to borrow their car for hours at an end. Not during the pandemic, and when the government has told us not to go visit anyone. What excuse could I use? There was nothing wrong at the cabin. Except for a misplaced phone charger. so I haven't had any anxiety attacks since Mid-day wednesday. When I realised they had arrived and they hadn't called me in fury.
I am however. Chock-a-bock full of EF's today. It took me a while to realize it. I was being annoyed at my friends for telling me I need to give this guy a chance for a second date, when I had told them the date was pleasant, but boring. And that there was nothing there for me, and he was only busy talking about himself and how self-reflected he is. Clearly not reflected enough that he understood he didn't ask me a single question. I'm not sure what the EF is really about. Perhaps lack of control. Perhaps people telling me what I should do. Perhaps this guilt thing that I can't seem to drop. Not really. I don't even know what it is I feel guilty about right now. But that heavy weight stone is stuck in my belly. I can feel it so clearly. I feel like I've been awake for a week, and been walking uphill everyday for a month. Yet in little over an hour I have to be sociable and friendly through skype call. I hope I wont snap at anyone.
I have a feeling that my best friend is pissed at me for something. Or maybe just sick and tired of me. I'm not entirely sure. But she never reaches out and says hi anymore. Hasn't for over a month, maybe it's been two? I can't recall. I've reached out to her several times. And it's like talking to a cold potato. Very little response, Maybe she's going through some stuff. Maybe it's just the covid19 stuff that's gotten her bummed down. Whatever it is, I'm nervous about pretending everything is going to be great tonight.
I'm skittish, I'm still in the EF, even if I realise that it is there doesn't mean it's not gone. It's barely past dinner time and all i really want to do is go to bed. But shceduling this call has been difficult.