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Messages - Sceal

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1
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 14, 2020, 02:21:05 PM »
Thank you snowdrop and Martha.

I lost my temper today. The younger dog wouldn't stop barking. I am also feeling like I suck at art and that all I am doing is wrong.

I don't get anyone interested in striking up a conversation, people aren't interested in buying my art or commissioning me or interacting with me on social media when I comment on their art or they rarely comment on things I put out.  It hurts. Art is the only thing I got left. I need it to work... But I can't seem to o figure out how to make it work.

Surely someone would be interested in the kind of theme I do.. how do I find them

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 14, 2020, 07:18:02 AM »
1 week and 1 hour left...

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 09, 2020, 09:41:40 PM »
Thank you all.

I am spending as much time as I can with my dog. Taking him places so he can sit in the car, and feel like he's coming along to trips ( he loves riding cars) and let him sniff new places, or places he hasn't been to in forever. Give him loads of treats and cuddles. He loves the sun, so he's been lying in that most of the day.
I have work to do, and I need to occupy my mind with other things - so I can't be with him ALL the time. But then I feel guilty and I go down and pet and cuddle him. He's so used to it now that he keeps barking to get my attention. It's driving my parents nuts in the morning, because he wakes them up at 6.

I watched a youtube video today about the trump administration and covid19 situation and the reactions people from around the world had to some of the claims and statistics that's come out of the US. I knew it was bad, I didn't know HOW bad it was. I still think I don't quite know how bad it actually is.
It makes me feel so many things. Im so sad for them, how are they to re-gain their lives after this? How are they to re-build their lives - when their government is literally working AGAINST the people?

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 06, 2020, 06:10:40 PM »
Thank you San, I know that the word "should" is dangerous for us with cptsd. That it comes up way to often and it might have a more impact on us than if we weren't struggling with cptsd. Or, well, I don't actually know since I haven't experienced it.

Eitheway, I had a break and sucked it up. Then I went back downstairs again and cleaned up the rest. I don't know if it was appreciated or not. It wasn't commented on. So it wasn't bad at the very least.

We all went to the vet today to the check up. I nearly started crying. I know everyone saw i was struggling. But I don't care. They let me choose a day for putting him down.  There and then I felt it was considerate, so that I could be there. But now everytime I think about it, it makes me feel like I am the executioner.

I somehow managed to go do my mma..it felt good.. but I am wrecked now.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 06, 2020, 10:37:38 AM »
Thank you San and Tee.  :hug:

I woke up at 6 this morning. Cleaned part of the kitchen and spent nearly 2 hours baking crisp bread. They didn't succeed perfectly, but we'll enough to eat.
I had a nap with the dogs on me. I did some cleaning of the floor and i put on laundry.
I went upstairs once my parents came back.

I just walked back down to.. I don't really know. I was met with I am walking too quietly and I was supposed to clean the kitchen..
I am defeated.
I can't go anywhere, because I have no where to go and no money to spend. I also have zero energy.
I picked up my bag and just went back upstairs again.

It's stupid. I should be able to withstand this. To laugh it off. But I am not, all I feel is that I am in the way. I am wrong. I am not good enough.
I know it's just emotions and thoughts and that doesn't mean it is true.
But they are overpowering any sense of logic. My defences are gone. I'm too exhausted.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 04, 2020, 06:15:56 PM »
Thank you San.

I'm not normally the kind that stays in bed. I'm usually too restless for it, too unsafe in a bed to stay there for very long. So it's not a place I hide out.

I usually hide out in a dark room, closet, or whatever. The only problem is - those aren't particularly comfortable anymore. Also.. not a lot of closets that fit me anymore.

I just don't..
I just don't want anything.

7
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 04, 2020, 02:12:55 PM »
I appreciate your words, blueberry and San.
I am sorry I haven't replied to them, and that I won't right now.

I am exhausted.
I don't know what is the root of all this stress, but I feel the tension, I feel the elevated activation in my body. I have for weeks. But it is at the point where I am worn out now. I have naps several times a day now.
I know I need them, that much is obvious. But it doesn't mean I like them.
I keep pretending I am fine, mostly because emotionally, most of the time I feel very little.
I get frustrated and I think it is about my art. But if I stop for half a second  and think I know that's just on the surface... But I am not willing to go deeper.
I want to withdraw.
Instead I put on a smile and pretend everything is good. I lie. Most of all, I lie to myself.
Just writing this has earned me another nap.. and I just woke up from one.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: July 26, 2020, 03:13:06 PM »
I read today on twitter that if you are trying to rest but feel guilty about not doing the work you think you should be doing, then you're not really resting, which will lead to never really feeling on top of your game. It'll feel like a grind, and eventually lead to a burnout.
I think this is right, I've experienced this in the past. Yet, at the same time.. I can't seem to find a way to relax. I can't do nothing. I can't watch a movie or a tv-show without starting to analyze, I can't read a book without analyzing, or feeling like I should be reading a theoretical book instead of a fantasy novel, or feeling that I should be writing on my own book. I can't play a game without looking at the art, and I can't scroll on Social Media because my feeds are filled with art and art-tips. Watching really old tv-shows with my parents makes me restless, it's pouring outside so it's not really all that interesting to go for a walk. Cuddling the dogs makes me sad and restless.. And I keep thinking about all the art I should be doing.
I do want to create, I do want to work on the projects, but the moment I sit down or stand up to do it, I just.. I don't seem to be able to make any good decisions.

My body is stressed, my mind is stressed and I can't get a good release from it. I keep it in, I bottle it up, and I can't get it out.
I've done all the typical tips:
Drink soothing tea
Watch a movie
listen to music
cuddle the dogs
go for a walk (before the rain started)
clean
remind myself of the good things
remind myself of the things and people I'm grateful for
nap
play games
Stretch out and breathe

I don't quite know how to let go.

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: July 26, 2020, 03:05:22 PM »
So many warm-hearted replies. Thank you so much everyone.

To Rainydiary:
Thank you for your validation. I am saddened that you also feel this guilt, it's hard to carry around. I hope I can learn like you, to accept that I'm at the part of my journey where I need to speak, and not listen too much.  Acceptance of things and situations are not my strongest trait.

To woodsgnome:
Thank you for reaching out, your posts have often resonated with me. They have felt familiar and similar to my own experiences.

I think that even if were I not to send the book to any publishers, at the very least I will learn more about trauma and it's consequences. Not just my own, but more in a broader perspective. And I do like to learn things, even if it drains me.

I also worry, like I am sure many here do, that my experiences isn't worth complaining about. Or that they are less than other people's experiences. I am trying to let go of the comparison tendencies I have within art, but perhaps I need to let it go in other areas of my life too.

To Tee:
I am not sure if I could personally get my own dog when I finally get a home of my own. There's too much pain when loosing them. He is currently snoozing next to me as I am supposed to be working on artwork.  And I keep tearing up everytime I think about that he has less than a week left. I've had to let go of so many people this year, letting go of him is worse, because he will be truly gone. :'(

To ThreeRoses:
I hope you are right, that we'll see them again some day. I didn't grow up in a religious environment, so I'm not so sure about whether or not I believe in life-after-death, or heaven, or whatnot. But a part of me really doesn't want not to believe it.

I just deeply wish I had the excess capacity to be there fully for other people.

To notalone:
Thank you so much for your kind words and your hugs.

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: July 24, 2020, 10:41:24 PM »
I feel terrible already for posting here. For taking up space.

Part of me hopes someone will read and comment. And part of me hopes not because I know I am still not capable of being there for others in the capacity that I want.

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Recovery Journals / Sceal's journey
« on: July 24, 2020, 10:39:36 PM »
When I last wrote a post here I honestly thought I would leave. At the very least, for longer than this.

But I feel that I have drained my best friends resources, and I have lost Lady T and my doctor and support nurse is on vacation. And I need to talk.

The family dog of over 13 years is going to be put down, most likely next week. He has had heart problems for years now. He lost control over both urine and feces over a year ago. He has steadily but surely gotten weaker in his hind legs. He's been happy and full of energy until recently. He is still happy, but he is tired now. He doesn't want to go for walks, he can't play anymore, he can barely wag his tail. He is awake and alert, and he wants the cuddles and to be with his flock. Occasionally he will bark at people walking on the street or chase the cat.
We have known that this is where it's going. I just... I am not good at good-byes. His love has always been unconditional.
I know that this is pre-emptive grief. And that afterwards I will grieve. I know it is normal and that it is healthy. That grieving is a way of acknowledging how much that someone had meant to me.
I am just not good with emotions, I push them away because I don't know how to carry them alone. And I am alone. I am living with my parents, so in a way I am not alone. But..it's hard to describe and explain. And I just.. I just don't want to explain.

My sister told me that soon before gran died she had confused her with me and apologized. My sister says she's told me this before, but I don't recall. She told me that she had told gran that she shouldn't have to worry, that she (I) am not angry. Although, we never did manage to heal the wound that happened... At least, I think she knew I wasn't angry. I miss her so much. It's been years now. But I still haven't deleted her phone number, and I still keep seeing her in old ladies of her same height. She would hate to put the dog down too. Everyone does.

I gave Lady T a gift on my last session with her. I was disconnected, so I wasn't able to tell her the things I wanted to say. So now I am writing a book about trauma... Not my trauma, but a simplified FAQ book about trauma for people who doesn't speak medical language... I don't know if I will ever finish it or do something about it... Because it is part a reaction to anger over something I became aware of.

---TW---

(Short explanation: someone went online and wrote an "apology letter" for bad behaviour towards women. Of sexual harassment and abuse after they had been outed by one of their victims. And they were being applauded for "apologizing". It made me so angry. I haven't been that angry for years. I haven't ever allowed myself to feel that angry.)

--- End of TW ---

And it is part so I can contact Lady T to get a professional opinion about the book. I have other doctor friends I could ask, but not psychologists or psychiatrists. It's a thought, but it makes me feel like I am stepping over a boundary if I actually reach out. Although she did say she would love to attend my art shows, whenever I have them next.

And then I realised today something about my childhood. I was quite young when I decided I wouldn't amount to anything. That I couldn't do anything. It is silly example maybe. Maybe I read too much into it..
When I was being taught how to bike I refused to believe my mother when she told me I was biking on my own. Even when she was running next to me showing me she wasn't holding the bike I was on. I got so angry I threw the bike aside and refused to go on it again because "I can't do it!" (meaning =I am a failure!). I didn't touch the bike again until end of the season or the next season when I saw an older boy being awful at biking. That's when I thought I too could do it. It's a silly pattern, and maybe a silly example. But to me it tells me that I thought already then that I needed to be perfect on the first try. I needed to succeed early, and when I never did it just underlined my belief I had about me already that I am a loser.
So I then have to work harder in order to be average. But it's so exhausting.

I honestly thought I had stopped believing in perfection in my mid 20s. But I think it is so deeply ingrained in me, that when I say I need to be " good enough" I really do mean "perfect", because anything less isn't acceptable. I won't be liked, or approved of, or accepted if I did anything less. The problem is of course that everyone has different views on what is actually perfect.. and I can't seem to please everyone all the time...  But I keep trying, because I don't know how to stop. And also because I had honestly thought that I was past it.

12
Checking Out / Leaving
« on: May 25, 2020, 10:06:07 PM »
Hello everyone.

I have been thinking about this for a while, and I think it is time. I'm leaving the forum.
I'm not sure if it's forever, or if I will come back one day (soon, or in a year? I don't know).  But I've noticed I'm not able to sit down and write down anything coherent for myself anymore, and I'm just not capable of being there for any of yous. And it really hurts that I can't offer the same amount of support, wisdom and help that you've all offered me.

I am truly happy that I came across this forum when I did. I've received so much help and support from you. I've learned so much by so many of you! Both on how to handle things, how to change perspective and about research and theories. About relationships with other people  (not romantic).

I wish nothing but the best for you all. And I wish, in a way, that I could stay in-contact with those of you whom I've gotten to know a little better. And I hope that your journeys will take a turn for the better, that the hardships - this kind of hardship. The trauma bit, will bit by bit be released and that you can all put it behind you. I hope to same for me.

I'm in a better place than I have been for years. So I don't want you to worry. I have sorted out some of the immediate problems that was causing havoc on my mind and emotional state. Preventing me from actually making progress and doing real work to get past cptsd. I still have a long way to go. I am not free from my burdens, and it's unlikely I will be free from them anytime soon. But I have things in my life now that helps me being able to focus on better things as well. I've no idea what the future brings. It is scary, messy, chaotic.. and I feel I have no control.  But it is a lot better than what it was.

so thank you.

And I wish you nothing for the best.

P.S I will check in again in a few days or in a week, in-case someone leaves me a message they would have liked me to read.

 :hug: to everyone who would like one.

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https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_milton_can_we_edit_memories?utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=daily&utm_medium=email&utm_content=image__2020-05-19#t-341638

I got this ted talk as a suggetion in my weekly ted.talk video emails.
She talks alot about memory and also about a possible future treatment for trauma-memories.

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Hi Notalone. I want to echo San's words.
Self-care is doing a lot!  I think those of us who have cPTSD or PTSD often forget, or don't even know, that self-care is important. That it is doing a lot when you stop up for a moment and take care of your self. It gets easier when you then have to move forward with difficult things, when you remember to stop up once in a while and say "This hurts too much, I need a break. I'm just going to take a long hot shower, do a face mask, eat some pop-corn. Sleep in, get a massage, treat myself to a new haircolour, a new clothing item, a book, watch a movie, listen to music" Whatever it is that you feel helps you, it's important to not neglect it.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's Journal: Time changes
« on: May 18, 2020, 09:53:07 PM »
To Blueberry:

I get where both of you are coming from. I am terrified. It's not the best timing to let go, but maybe there never will be. She did say that when I am ready for trauma therapy I can come back to her.. her being in the public health care and not private it's quite rare.

---
I feel like a child who wants to grow up but can't. I also feel like an adult wanting to retreat to childhood.. I don't belong anywhere.

I am scared.

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