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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 18, 2021, 07:35:48 PM »

I got to work out at the gym today. Not my old gym, but a new one, a temporarily one. It was great. It was a good workout. I got filled with happy hormones afterwards - and I'm looking forward to Wednesday when I can go again.

I'm still procrastinating. I'm avoiding. I'm scared I suppose. Or maybe it's not something I really want? I'm not sure tbh, but something is stopping me.
I also realise there's no play in my life. I don't play anymore. They say we need to play, even as adults - in order to be happier or to stress down. But I've forgotten how to play.  I've forgotten how I enjoy play.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 17, 2021, 10:37:48 PM »

Thank you. All of you <3 

I won't be sharing my art, as I can't keep my anonymity then. I can't share my art without my name online either. But I greatly appreciate your interests, and your support. It means a lot to me.

I've been dreaming again. Not only nightmares. But I recall every dream, I remember them when I wake up. It's been nearly a year since I woke up remembering all my dreams. I don't quite like it. I prefer waking up not remembering. I can usually tell if it was a good, bad or hectic dream regardless. I don't need to remember them. It's noise. I don't want it.

I'm restless. I feel like the days are much the same. Not a lot of difference. I'm doing back-end stuff, but it's taking forever to get done - because I'm not very motivated. and because I'm exhausted. And because I can't really tell yet if any of it is making any difference. Or if it will make any difference.
I am working on changing the way I spend my money, but ironically.. It's costing me money upfront. I've spent so much money this month.

I don't have a lot of emotions these days.  It's like empty restlessness. I guess it's better than feeling like *. At least I get something done, even if it's not nearly as much as I need to get done.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 12, 2021, 09:29:57 PM »

Just found out the poor cat has worms. It's not uncommon for cats that mostly spend their time outdoors. She's probably been drinking unclean water or captured a rat or bird or something. But it means my folks doesn't want her indoor until she's worm-free.

plus side, I got a lot of work done today. Seems like tuesdays are my most productive days. Although, I keep getting confused at which day it is. It's a little stressful not knowing which weekday it is. Not getting any sales is a little stressful too. I keep thinking about it. Worrying about it. Wondering if I can cover the expenses for making more art.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards

« on: January 12, 2021, 06:58:02 AM »

That's really great that you managed to set boundaries with this stranger!  And it's even better that you got to feel the strength it can give to be firm and not let someone else walk over  you!

with your history this is an incredible win! You did really well! 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 11, 2021, 07:15:57 AM »

Hi Tee. I managed to snooze off a little bit, because I let the cat in, and she wanted cuddles so bad she followed me to my bedroom. And sat next to me purring. It was soothing and calming. I didn't quite fall asleep, but I got some rest. And some allergies, but it was worth the latter. 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *

« on: January 11, 2021, 07:14:37 AM »

Sorry to read you're so exhausted, and that your little ones are reminding you of old wounds all the time.
I don't know where you live, or if it is at all possible for you to get a sickleave for a few days to a week. To at least, perhaps, catch up on some sleep? Sending you some warm thoughts. 12 hour shifts seems inhumane to me.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 11, 2021, 05:43:11 AM »

I've been having nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that you force yourself awake from.
It is really bright and earl here now, I'm the only one awake besides the pets. It's quiet. And I'm exhausted. I made coffee, but I might just go back to bed if I can manage it in a little bit. We'll see.

I don't know why I'm getting these nightmares again. I haven't been triggered. I still stress eat. But not as much, and now mainly only late afternoon and evening. The mornings are usually okay. I don't feel that many emotions right now either. I don't feel numb, I just don't feel all that much. Bored and disinterested in things I guess.  I thought I was going to come on here and unload my thoughts.. but I'm realising I don't actually have anything to say..

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 09, 2021, 09:39:56 AM »

Thank you Mojay, it kind of helps knowing I'm not the only one who get these stupid panic attacks about these kind of things.  My RL friends think I am weird because of it.

To Blueberry: You didn't attribute your thing onto my stuff. Don't worry about that. It is something that I will ponder upon when I got a few of the other things dealt with. It'll be on my mental to-do list. It'll be good to figure out if there's some trauma related to it, or not.

---

I feel a little better today. The only physical interaction I had with anyone yesterday was when I went to buy myself a kebab for dinner. Otherwise I chatted a little bit with a few people. The event I was going to online got cancelled an hour ahead of time. Which meant I got to snuggle up and watch another movie and not deal with anything. I danced a little in the kitchen and indulged in some daydream fantasy.

My folks are returning home today. I wish they would stay another day. But it will be alright. I kind of want to work, but I'm also noticing that I got a bit of cottonhead today. Sometimes when I have these days where I work from 10 in the morning until 20-21 at evening with breaks throughout the day I keep wondering to myself if I am really as disabled as I have made it out to be. Maybe i'm just a fraud. But then.. that was Tuesday and it's now Saturday and I'm still not ready to get back to working - and I am reminded that I cannot actually work consistently everyday. My mind and my body doesn't function well enough for that. And I am reminded of what Lady T said some years ago.. that my work abilities lie only between 10-30%, depending on whether I am under a lot of pressure and stress or not.
My panic attacks, my excessive need for sleep, and my constant stress eating are symptopms that tells me that I am under a lot of stress. I am not quite sure why I feel this stress.. Or maybe - Maybe I am lying to myself. I am perhaps expecting there to be a newfound reason as to why I'm stressed out.. When I know that there are some fundamental things in my life right now that I am still waiting for, such as my final financial support. Housing loan, and deletion of student loan due to low income. The fact that I , in the middle of my 30s had to move back in with my folks because I am still waiting for these applications to be accepted or denied. And then have to wait and see if I have to send in a complaint and wait for another few years in order for that to be sorted or not.
I feel like a burden.
I am also stressing out about my art not selling. Not being able to gain an audience, or followers. That I am not good enough.
I am trying to do what seems to be a trend on tiktok now, that 2021 is going to be the year when people start loving themselves more. Loving the bodies they have, loving who they are and be unapologetic about it.

Like this date I was on. I haven't heard from him since, and I think we both kind of felt the same.. that there was no connection between us. And i'm not saying he's a terrible choice of a man. Just that him and I aren't the best choice for eachother. And why should we settle? There's someone better out there for him. And there's someone else, hopefully?, out there for me too. And even if there isn't. I'm okay with being on my own. Sometimes it would be nice though, to cuddle up next to someone and feel safe in their arms. That's the only thing I miss. Or being able to make memories together with someone.  But I am also capable and enough on my own.

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Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over

« on: January 09, 2021, 08:35:06 AM »

Happy to read that you have a therapist that can validate your feelings and who believe that helping you out with two sessions a week is currently essential for you. I am glad that it is helping, and that she is able to offer that.

I once did a DBT program, where I had group session once a week and single therapy session with Lady T. It was so exhausting, so hard, but I think it was good. I didn't quite get as healed from it as we hoped at the start, but I did get better because of it, well.. in retrospect. There were times when I got a lot worse. That was 18 months. So I too believe that there are extended times in our lives where we do require extra therapy. Extra time. And it sounds like you are in such a place right now.

Don't worry about being there for others. Focus on yourself. You've got a heart of all that's good, and right now, those parts of you need to take care of yourself. One day again soon, you might feel ready to be there for others. But I hope you wait until you are actually ready and not out of shame or guilt.

Sending you warm thoughts and know you can always join me on the porch for a cup of something hot and delicious.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards

« on: January 09, 2021, 08:27:59 AM »

I apologize for my earlier comment, I didn't quite understand how difficult of a time you were having.

No apology needed!   What your comment did do was help galvanise me into writing a response which in turn enabled me to go off on a big rant abut what was going on in me that day. That was very useful. Because when things are really bad I question the futility of writing anything, even though I know that I often come to some sort of helpful conclusion while writing.

Even I wasn't really aware of how difficult things were. I didn't realise I was in a full-blown EF. So I'm really sorry if you got a blast of aggressive energy that ought to have been heading to my anti-FOO defences instead.

Also I know that we have some shared topics, shared difficulties like selling yourself the way we both need to in marketing, and part of yourself feeling on display in the work we do, so now I'll add difficulty sending off emails to that shared list   It's really helpful to have somebody who gets a part of what I'm often going through and up against. 

I know you've written a lot of after this, but I just wanted to let you know I've read your reply. I am glad that my comment did help you in the end. It can be very important to get the hard stuff out in the open. Especially if you're not exactly sure what is going on before you start voicing it. 

I have learned a lot from you, you should know. I often think of you when the word 'should' appears in my vocabulary. "But I should be doing... "no wait. No, I shouldn't. Shouldn't is bad. I can choose to do it because I want to, because it'll give me peace of mind. Or if I need it. But should. I don't have to do any should's. Should's are guilt and shame induced.  And you wrote about this a few years ago, and it just stuck with me really deep.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 08, 2021, 05:31:53 PM »

To Blueberry,
Maybe you're right, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I have the capacity to dive into that right now and see if it fits with me too. That it is trauma related. It might just be consequence of trauma symptom.

Thank you for understanding that fear. That when you leave the house you've done some fatal mistake that will end up burning down the house, or flooding it and generally costing everyone a buttload of money. All because you weren't paying attention. Forgot. Or something stupid.  It's so embarrassing.

--
My folks went out to the cabin in the end. I couldn't come up with a good excuse to borrow their car for hours at an end. Not during the pandemic, and when the government has told us not to go visit anyone. What excuse could I use? There was nothing wrong at the cabin. Except for a misplaced phone charger. so I haven't had any anxiety attacks since Mid-day wednesday. When I realised they had arrived and they hadn't called me in fury.

I am however. Chock-a-bock full of EF's today. It took me a while to realize it. I was being annoyed at my friends for telling me I need to give this guy a chance for a second date, when I had told them the date was pleasant, but boring. And that there was nothing there for me, and he was only busy talking about himself and how self-reflected he is. Clearly not reflected enough that he understood he didn't ask me a single question.  I'm not sure what the EF is really about. Perhaps lack of control. Perhaps people telling me what I should do. Perhaps this guilt thing that I can't seem to drop. Not really. I don't even know what it is I feel guilty about right now. But that heavy weight stone is stuck in my belly.  I can feel it so clearly.  I feel like I've been awake for a week, and been walking uphill everyday for a month. Yet in little over an hour I have to be sociable and friendly through skype call. I hope I wont snap at anyone.

I have a feeling that my best friend is pissed at me for something. Or maybe just sick and tired of me. I'm not entirely sure. But she never reaches out and says hi anymore. Hasn't for over a month, maybe it's been two? I can't recall. I've reached out to her several times. And it's like talking to a cold potato. Very little response, Maybe she's going through some stuff. Maybe it's just the covid19 stuff that's gotten her bummed down. Whatever it is, I'm nervous about pretending everything is going to be great tonight.
I'm skittish, I'm still in the EF, even if I realise that it is there doesn't mean it's not gone. It's barely past dinner time and all i really want to do is go to bed. But shceduling this call has been difficult.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards

« on: January 04, 2021, 09:04:53 PM »

Sorry to read that you've been having such a hard time. I apologize for my earlier comment, I didn't quite understand how difficult of a time you were having.

Being around people and feeling like one is accepted and not judged is so important, vital! I am happy to read you got that while singing with your friend. I wish you many, many more of those moments.


(Edit due to hitting send too early and it cut off mid-word)

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 04, 2021, 05:18:12 AM »

Woke up in panic too. First in the middle of the night, and then super early morning.
I can't get it out of my head. I think after all my meetings and things have done today I'm going to ask to borrow the car to drive around to think a bit. Which will be code for driving to the cabin to check.
My logical brain thinks everything would be fine. If it had burnt down by now, then we'd know. And then my emotional brain goes like "but what if it is about to burn down?!" And panic rises again.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I had a lucid thought this morning. That perhaps this panic comes from not feeling in control over my own life? Like I feel I have to ask for permission for everything, -i'm at the mercy of people allowing me to do things. Although this isn't something I feel conciously, I wonder... maybe that is what is causing all of these. I feel observed, and I feel people have the need to know where I am at any given time, and I have to notify people where I go, if I go somewhere. How long I'll be gone and whatnot.  I live in a peaceful country, it isn't a safety measure to let people know where you go.

But maybe... Maybe I just need to take more control. I need to just go out of the house sometimes. Problem is... there's no where to go. It's too cold to just roam the streets, well.. not too cold. But I don't like being cold, so it'd be unpleasant. And boring. Most things are locked down. Besides I don't want to spend more money... I don't want to go to a café just to be anywhere else. I don't really know what I want tbh. But I need to take charge a little more.  Maybe that will help.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 03, 2021, 10:40:18 PM »

Thank you, Hope. It was a lovely walk. It's predicted it'll be cold here for a while. Which is okay, as long as it doesn't rain.

Thank you, Tee. But they were my guests at my parents cabin. The responsibility lies with me.

I occasionally get these panic attacks when I leave the house too. "Did I leave the coffee machine on? Will it start a fire?"

These thoughts are so strong. I don't get why. I haven't felt this strong panic attacks for months. What's going on? I can't breathe now. I thought writing would help but it's not..

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey

« on: January 02, 2021, 03:02:37 PM »

Thank you everyone!

I was celebrating NY with some new friends at the family cabin. And I think I might have overshared a little bit too much. Because I'm wrecked with anxiety. Ironically I'm not overthinking what I've said, or if I've said too much. No, no instead my panic is more "Did I turn off the coffee machine? Did I unplug it? Yes, yes I did. *, what about the stove? Did we turn it off? Is it still on? Will I be the reason why the cabin burn down?" And I can't seem to let it go. I got home yesterday and I fell asleep listening to soothing music and taking an anxiety medication, because I couldn't shake it. And I still can't today.

I am trying my best to breathe, to do the things I can control. I went for a hike, it was cold. But it was alright. I could have been sitting still all day, but instead I went for the hike. I did a tiny-tiny bit towards my business. But then I panicked. What if I get successful? Sh8t. I don't know what to do if that happens.
How ridiculous is even that?  I think I might have to actually take another calming medication, because this is ridiculous.