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Messages - Rainagain

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General Discussion / Re: Deppression or CPTSD?
« on: June 01, 2021, 12:03:41 AM »
I have had a report from a psychiatrist which might relate to this subject.

The psychiatrist thought that my cptsd was almost protective to some extent where my depression was concerned as it blunted some of my depressive symptoms.

The two conditions are frequently found together, there is an association between them.

But cptsd may mask depression.

I have certainly been experiencing regular depressive episodes in recent years as my cptsd has calmed down a bit.

In earlier times I suspect my high anxiety levels prevented the detached/disinterested feelings I get during depressions.

I dont find the depression as difficult as the cptsd to live with so it is an improvement for me.

Worth considering.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Taking a long view
« on: February 14, 2021, 11:31:52 AM »
Thank you for your reply hope,

When I first found this site I couldn't see any way forward for me, it has taken years but it is possible to carry on, I just wanted others to hear that, especially if they are lost like I was.

The suffering is so great, nobody else seems to understand, I feel so much warmth and empathy for all of us on here, and gratitude for kind replies at a time I had nobody to turn to.

I would like everyone who has ever replied to my posts to take a moment and feel good about what they have done for me when I was at my lowest.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Taking a long view
« on: February 14, 2021, 12:15:12 AM »
I havent posted much for a year or so.

I want to say that in the 4/5 years since I left my dreadful employer my mental anguish has been getting less damaging.

I am not sure what has helped with this, certainly not health professionals or medication.

I believe three things helped, one was immersing myself in my story until I felt I had understood what happened, this was actually very distressing and difficult.

The second was living away from further harm, I live very quietly and over time the repetitive routine of my rather isolated life has helped to calm me.

The third element was taking steps to regain some control, since leaving my employer I have obtained a pension, won a court case and have further actions underway. These steps have allowed me to regain a sense that I am not helpless after all, my bullies can be tackled.

This post may not help others as everyone's situation is different and I now see that I was fortunate to find a path that seems to be leading me away from the suffering of the past.

For a long time I couldn't see any way to come to terms with things, I felt hopeless.

More recently I have reached an understanding with myself, while I dont welcome nightmares, sleepless nights and periods of depression I dont find them as upsetting as I used to.

My version of recovery may simply be understanding and learning to live with poor mental health, but it does feel like a small achievement, one I didn't expect to manage.

Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: Remembering people
« on: November 04, 2020, 12:35:36 PM »
I hope nobody minds, I wanted to bump this thread, there are such good insights in the replies.

I've been feeling bad recently over an incident that happened a few years ago, I was chatting to a fellow dog Walker and he said, 'you dont remember me yet we were neighbours for ten years'.

At the time I was very unwell, but even so, I feel shame about that and keep going over it.

I suspect I might have codependent tendencies, it's ok if you are dealing with someone who is supportive in return but if you are involved with someone with even slight personality issues it's a road to ruin.

I have recently been drawn in by a covert narcissist, the good news is I realised the situation and managed to protect myself, I am improving in some ways but life feels like such an obstacle course.

General Discussion / Re: Automatic intrusive thinking on wakening.
« on: October 10, 2020, 12:54:18 PM »
Hello again,

Sorry you are stuck with this, as you hadn't posted for a long time I hoped things had improved for you.

According to Jordan Petersen one way to approach this is to calm the amygdala by having a strategy to prevent future victimisation. I dont have the specific link but it was interesting, he says the strategy doesnt need to be brilliant, just the fact that you are in some way prepared to deal with future trauma calms the hindbrain.

My intrusive thoughts seemed grouped with other stuff, collectively all of those symptoms get worse when I feel extra stressed by people and slowly calm down when I avoid stressful people.

General Discussion / Re: Itchiness (& Anxiety?)
« on: September 07, 2020, 01:14:10 AM »
I have scalp psoriasis due to stress, it responds to coal tar shampoo. Might be worth a try

General Discussion / Re: Problems with reading
« on: July 31, 2020, 11:58:11 PM »

I have noticed that I cannot focus on reading when I am having a particularly difficult time, after a few weeks or months it seems to ease. Not sure why.

There is also a condition called hyperlexia which might be worth looking up.

General Discussion / Re: Ptsd or cptsd
« on: July 06, 2020, 10:38:14 PM »

As you mention that the trauma went on for years cptsd is quite likely I think.

I have been diagnosed by different psychiatrists as having both, but that maybe because not all of them recognise cptsd as a separate diagnosis where I am from, it's a bit of a muddle.

Keep posting, it's a useful part of getting some understanding and some control, that has been my experience on here.

General Discussion / Re: Anger
« on: June 30, 2020, 10:04:49 PM »
Wow OS,

It's interesting that you dont know the physiological anger responses, the 'fight' part of fight/flight, it's such a hard wired part if me that it's like the clothes I wear.

I was trained as a biologist so I know them well I guess.

The usual anger/aggression response in people is warning signs such as agitation, red face, expansive gestures, pacing about, raised voice with perhaps jumbled speech followed by the main event when the hind brain kicks in, the danger signs then are the face gets pale, fixed stare, lowered head (to protect throat), little or no speech, shallow panting. The body is preparing to attack and everything unrelated to fight/flight shuts down, higher brain function, digestive system etc., blood and adrenaline and sugars divert to the lungs and muscles.

Some people anger easily but dont go into the true final physiological response phase of fight/flight.

I dont anger easily but when I do i dont do the warning signs, I dont get obviously angry with the forebrain, I suppress it until the hindbrain takes over control, it can happen very quickly if I am threatened and I cant get away.

It feels like my chest is tight, my arms are rigid and a pressure is building up inside.

I worry because my perception of threat is skewed so I might react inappropriately.

I did once have someone who was triggering me like that notice what was going on with me, they were talking at me, pushing my buttons until they suddenly realised it was all going to kick off in a matter of seconds and they stopped and backed off completely. I hadn't said anything, it was only when they stopped talking that I realised I was poised ready to jump at them, it had happened without me realising, i was gauging the distance between us which gave the clue to the other person.

Sorry for the lecture, i think about this body response a lot.

I have apnea, I had no idea it could be trauma related, I knew my insomnia was but also hadn't realised that the reason I can have had no insomnia and still wake up exhausted could be the apnea.
Interesting links, thank you.

General Discussion / Re: Anger
« on: June 26, 2020, 04:08:19 AM »
Anger is tricky for me too, I've been thinking about it this week after I became very angry a few days ago.

For me it's about boundaries and thresholds.

I try not to become angry, I try to remain calm and reasonable, especially so when I can feel the anger building up during a situation with someone else.

But sometimes it flares up and takes over.

This time I just left immediately, if my boundaries are trampled I withdraw to put them back in place by physical distance.

If I couldn't withdraw  I could get quite dangerous, the anger is huge and fight/flight takes over.

I know I carry this excessive explosive anger inside so I prepare to withdraw as soon as I feel it building up.

I live with it as I recognise it and although I cannot control it I can manage it so I dont end up on the news.

A big worry is perceived direct aggression from others, that gives me next to no time to get away.

It's a big reason why I live alone and have little social contact.

I think understanding your anger, especially its early signs is key.

For me it starts as a body response, preparing to fight, adrenaline and hind brain taking over. Afterwards when I'm away from the situation the adrenaline burns off as muscle trembling.

I dont know how people conduct angry arguments with others, If I can't escape then i just want to physically attack not shout, argue or be 'normal' angry, can't do that at all.

The good news is that I manage it quite well, I had one incident where someone physically threatened me a few years back and it all went badly for them, but afterwards it turned out that i hadn't reacted excessively after all, just explosively/instantly to stop the threat, which shocked everyone around at the time.

I think that was just lucky for me as I wasn't in control of myself at the time so anything could have happened really.

It can be managed and controlled so it doesn't become a regular problem, but knowing when it's happening is important.

I really understand how bad it makes you feel, it worries me a lot.

General Discussion / Re: Disclosure of MH
« on: April 13, 2020, 06:10:08 AM »
That sounds positive, I hope it works out well for you.

I was struck by your comment that you sometimes don't remember having met people, that happens to me often and can be quite embarrassing.

I try not to appear wierd, things like that give me away.....

I dont think I've seen it mentioned on this forum before, I bet others have this happen to them too.

Hey boats,

I have the same experience, unable to do stuff, living with chronic pain.

I think my inability is mostly down to my mental health really.

I just try not to be too hard on myself over it.

Dont send the email bright light.

There are so many reasons why not i cant put it into words.

Protect your current and future self.

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