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Messages - lexx

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General Discussion / Re: POLL #4 - Re "Traumatic" in "CPTSD
« on: November 22, 2017, 02:49:31 AM »
Maybe the word Stress should be taken out of the name.
Post-Traumatic Disorder. (and we can figure out what the "c" should stand for XD)
Just my two cents..

General Discussion / Re: Gender Roles - childhood abuse?
« on: November 22, 2017, 02:43:25 AM »

While it can certainly be part of abuse, I don't think it is automatically true for everyone. Not everyone grows up with shame about their gender.

Most if not all people do experience shame at some point in their lives, but it's pretty diverse what exactly it is for any given person.

I am intersex, and I'm learning that I'm okay with both sides of me. A lot of people like me aren't that way. For them it's maybe even extra important to define their gender very clearly.

For me it was important to learn to be okay with being in between.

Loosing a certain amount of shame and personal inhibition towards gender, sexuality, and kink had and has everything to do with that.. but that doesn't mean it's like that for everyone, or even most. It is just true for me.

I'm not the only one, of course not, but for some gender might be a trait they hang on to.

I've known some gay folks who had issues with acceptance who freaked out when they found out I questioned my gender. For them it had taken time and effort to accept they were attracted to people of the same gender (and not of the opposite) so they had a very strong sense of a binary gender.. It's more important to their sense of self. So they reacted pretty harshly to me blurring those lines.. They told me all the same stuff their non accepting parents had thrown at them, and they didn't even see the irony.. (Not that straight people are per definition accepting of course, but most of them have no idea.. I should probably mention here that I'm a recovering introvert lol)

My oldest son is also intersex.

There was a lot of push right after birth to do surgeries because it would be "kinder to do it while they were too young to remember".

As much issues as I had trying to define myself, I found it really hard to know what to do.

I went online and came across plenty of people who had hated they'd had the surgeries, and plenty who were just as upset that they hadn't.

I ended up deciding against the surgery, knowing that there was no way to know for sure if it would be the right choice. I felt I had no right to make that decision for him, and that should he be upset with me later, at least I could explain why I had made the choice I made.

As it turns out, my son is very happy with the choice I made.

I tried to raise him to know that no matter what, he'd know I love him. No matter if I agree with everything, or understand it all.. that above all else he's my child, and I love him.

I can't and won't protect him from all consequences of his actions or other people's, but that I would love him anyway.

I've written "him" in all of this. It makes no difference to me if that would be any other descriptor.

Did I raise him without shame? Well, no. I'm not perfect nor omnipotent. I believe I raised him to know I love him no matter what though. Somehow though, he managed to become someone who can laugh at himself and mean it. We can probably not avoid all shame, but that doesn't mean we have to let it control us.

Maybe what I learned from my kids is that the trick isn't so much avoiding shame, but teaching our children to overcome it..

General Discussion / Re: Is anyone a highly sensitive being?
« on: November 22, 2017, 01:47:35 AM »
Okay, obvious "me too" here..
For how many of you do sounds hurt? (the way nails on a chalkboard does to someone sensitive to that sound, if it were to just not stop...) ..
It's just that I don't get angry or physical easily, but this takes more restraint because it can actually hurt. I have a high pain tolerance, so why do things like this hurt?
Anyone else?

You're right of course.. we can understand each others feelings :)
Thanks for your reply.. I guess my worries were partially about being able to talk about pasts like mine, and not ending up either silent in conversation, or monopolizing it..
One reason I don't tend to be in survivors groups.. but after thinking about all this.. I am usually actually pretty strongly introvert. It might actually just be me. I certainly feel I'm welcome here.. so maybe I would have been in such a group if I'd actually talked about my life back then.. no way to change the past, but it's given me some food for thought..

It takes a lot of soul searching to find any kind of peace with what we have seen. A way to create a future that's different from our past. Not everyone finds it, but introspection is a minimum requirement if you do hope to *ever* find it..

I've been thinking about this the last while...

Is it really so surprising that such experiences foster not only emotionally blunted toxic narcisism in some, but also deep empathy, a sense of humor, and true insight in others?

In my case maybe a bit more emotional mess and the ability to eventually figure out "no duh" things XD but hey, it still seems a lot better than their reverse, I suppose..  ;D

Thank you,
I'm not great at being assertive (heh, understatement of the year) but it's whst I'd want me to do..
You can't make everyone happy, but you have to live with *you* all of your life.. still busy learning that myself XD

Hey Memorex,

I find it amazing to see you are being so assertive.. :)

I think in general people don't really know how to react to us. Like you I went into therapy looking

*** Well... Fiddlesticks! Somehow the interweb seems to have eaten the rest of this message... Oo

Anyway, my point was that there doesn't seem to be one thing that really works for all of us..

The person who told you to get a job to the point of being unreasonable might have gotten a job at a rough point in his past, and it might have completely changed things for him for the better. So he gives people the advise that made a difference for him.

I think it's probably pretty obvious that the lady warning you about regret has plenty of experience with regret.. so she tries to spare people that..

When it comes to advise.. listen, consider it carefully, then use what you can, and disregard what you can't.

We all seem to end up reinventing the wheel.. but I guess there are no easy fixes for complex problems :((

P.P.S. let us all know how you're doing??
also, feel free to talk to me off list if that helps as well..

Hey Ah,

All this is going to be my point of view, and probably not my most cohesive writing but I hope you'll get what I'm trying to get across :) 

My opinion of things is formed only with the info I have, so it won't be perfect but just decide what you can use and ignore the rest okay? Just take it in consideration and know it is coming from someone who really cares about getting you through this and helping you forward. 

Above all, listen to yourself..  I respect you for what I've seen from you so far. I realize that your situation is probably a lot more complicated than I know.. That said, I also have a lot more distance to your situation, so here's my opinion, and my warmest deepest wishes for you..

Here is what I would (want myself to) do:

I agree with pretty much all of the things said above.

I also think you should tell your third party that you have had a problem in the past with the people they invited.

Don't go into detail, but make it very clear that these particular people are NOT welcome.

Mentioning the issue opens the door for other people who may have had, or have, trouble with these same people.

Silence only keeps people thinking they are all alone. Chances are you are NOT the only one tip toeing around these people. Not the only one staying quiet.

Don't don't don't go into detail to the third party (tempting as that might be), this isn't about your personal experience, it's about about not keeping quiet and taking it.

Too often once one person speaks up, others come forward.

Don't get drawn into any arguments about sides of stories, or feed curiousity at your own expense, but don't stay quiet.

Tell your third party you have a history with these people and that you don't feel comfortable with being around them. That it creates a ton of anxiety for you.
Be honest about how *you feel*.

Then tell them to un-invite them. If that isn't possible, reschedule with the person you wanted to meet. Same day, same time, somewhere else. Yes, you can tell them why. Same as 3rd party mentioned earlier, talk about how *you* feel. Stay close to yourself. Then figure out the most fun place you could spend some time together that doesn't strain whatever budget you may or may not have. A local library would work.

If you were going to meet at your home, and you just can't go elsewhere, do NOT let the people from your past into *your* house. It is *YOURS* and you alone gets to choose who is welcome! No matter who else invited them, you DIDN'T. Make sure you made this clear to ypur third party, and have THAT person uninvite your uninvited guests. You didn't invite them. It is NOT your job to uninvite them.

Should they show up, take a really deep breath, and tell them in a clear voice "I'm sorry. I didn't invite you. Please leave." No matter what they say or do, repeat this one more time, very clearly, the call the cops to escort them elsewhere.

Don't go into what they did, or why they might have done that to your friends/guests. Just be very clear that you have a history with them, and that you do not feel safe and comfortable around them.

In other words try not to talk from the perspective of your abusers. Stay close to *your own* emotions. Do the opposite of dissociating. Tell them how you feel.

If the answer is a confused mess of nerves that you have trouble even finding words for, then say that. It's plenty good enough.

It isn't about specifics in history.. everyone has felt like a ragged emotional mess before. Everyone.

Tip: The people you should keep in your life and company are those that will accept this, whether you are close or not, because they *care* about you. The warmth of response to you asserting yourself, and being open about being vulnerable, should give you a big hint in how much energy you should spend on particular people. Trust your own instincts in this, and consider keeping those that take issue with you speaking up a bit more at arms lenght.

You have the right to meet whoever you want in a place and way that makes you feel not only secure, but comfortable and happy.

So why speak up that you have a history with them if you're not going to talk about what exactly happened??

Not only does it send a warning that there has been an issue in the past, you're also not willing to gossip, or argue about what did and didn't happen etc. Your feelings are not up for debate, nor subject to majority vote.

(this is why it is so important not to fall into the particular trap of going into details, talk about how-you-feel.)..
More importantly: it helps others speak out as well, and what they say or don't say will have anything to do with what you have said, because you only made very clear about how you feel about what happened to you, and not the specifics.

It will make anyone elses experiences (and your own) a lot stronger if and when someone else does speak out while opening a door to do so.

Well meaning as it might have been of your third party, *you* invited someone *you* wanted to meet, and NOT the other people.

Your meeting. Your terms. Period.

I know how very hard it is to he assertive, God, I know..  but I honestly feel this is where you need to draw the line.

Don't let this be brushed off. Don't let anyone brush YOU off on this.. please..

People who *care* about you will respect you all the more for it. Whether they completely understand your point of view or not.

More importantly.. as hard as all this is for people like us, saying "no" instead of just dealing with the aftermath again and again, I think this will also help *you*.

It's hard to be assertive, but listen.. you *survived* this. You might feel like they "beat" you, but you survived.

And here you are looking for a way to handle facing them again! You are a survivor, and brave enough to ask for help when you feel you need it. Don't dismiss that, okay?

Your emotions *aren't* your enemy. They are telling you something.. I think you should listen. I think they are  saying that you shouldn't do this, but in the end you know "you" a lot better than anyone else.. and I think you should listen above all else to yourself.

Dissociation is about getting away from our own "self", and about not listening to yourself in order to survive something extreme. You survived it. Well done! All of you helped you do that.. so start listening to all of yourself again, okay??

*biggest hug in history of big hugs*

Lexx (who is trying very hard to follow that advise as well... sometimes even successfully ;) )

P.S. have some extra treat on hand for yourself for after, no matter what you decide to do.. You've earned them.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / sensory overload issues??
« on: October 26, 2017, 06:43:26 PM »
I don't know if there is even a name for this, but our landlady just stopped by and I'm in a really anxious state right now..

Anxious isn't really the right word..

To me "anxious" is waiting in a waitingroom to be called into the dentist office.. and every ad on the tv screens are about the various oral diseases, and every magazine has a toothbrush somewhere on the cover..

The feeling I associate with that image is what I would call "anxious"..

This isn't the same thing at all..

While I hate going to the dentist, I can get myself to go and push through it.. this isn't the same thing at all :(

The landlady knocked on the front door, and for some reason that is just something that really sets me off anyway.. as does her reason for visiting.. to talk about the cats..

Right now I'm sitting here shaking and I don't know *why* I get so enormously afraid. Why it's so hard to speak up.. the thought is there, my feelings behind what I'd like to say make sense.. so why can't I say it??

She's not unreasonable either (even if she doesn't get what I'm going through.. I mean, how could she? It's not like I've actually ever explained it to her..)

I guess all that is another "duh" realization waiting to happen at some later point.. right now I'm not seeing it..

I am just trying to find a way through right now..

Normally, I'd put on headphones to try and shut out outside sounds etc. but right now I can't get my mind to let go enough for that to work, and my senses only go more into that hyper state that I'm trying to let myself out of..

I guess I use my music (and the ability to let my mind go for a bit) like a sort of sensory deprevation unit, if that makes sense.. let the music outshout my senses for a bit.. but right now I can't shut *any* of it down and I'm worried I'll end up in the big blank wordless state that happens when I get too overloaded..  Where I feel so much but don't know what it is anymore, because the words are all gone.. Why does that hurt so much? When there is nothing or no one actually hurting me? 

Why do I equate that state with pain? Is this part of PTSD? or part of Aspergers? (or maybe both?).. How do I stop that??

I know I'll come back to myself later, but I don't want to go into that state..

Do you guys get this? How do you deal with that state?

So.. wnyway I'm looking for a different way to handle this..

.. I hope you guys don't mind me writing it down..I figured maybe it would help.. we'll see how this goes..


Other / Re: My Story - Unlike Many Others
« on: October 24, 2017, 08:58:58 PM »
Hey Sky.. I just wanted to add.. trust when it's broken is above all else our trust in ourselves.. I had my mother taken from me. I was going to say "I lost" but I didn't.. she was taken. 

The feeling of panic every time there is a knock on the door is *very* familiar to me..

Keep in mind that every time you give it words you process a little bit more..  writing it here is opening up too..

You *can* live your life.. because *you are living it*.. it's not always easy to remember on bad days that you are making progress, not for me either.. but we are.. one day at a time..


Emotional/Physical/Sexual Abuse/Harassment/Violence / Re: "Get better"
« on: October 24, 2017, 08:46:08 PM »
Thanks for sharing this.. people tend to pretend they know what is "normal" for other people in situations like this.. you sharing reminded me that, "No.. they don't.." and that it's okay to put a stop to this. Sounds like something that should be obvious, sure.. but it isn't always.. or so many people wouldn't find this so hard to deal with...

General Discussion / Re: TRIGGER WARNING.. about my life..
« on: October 24, 2017, 08:37:51 PM »

It was hard to be lied to when you actually know what happened.. It made me doubt myself, and it hurt to think she might be out there somewhere, and not have taken us with her..

I guess I sort of understand as an adult that they couldn't face that, and God, not much else either.. but was it necessary to trample others?

I guess that is what I feel towards most negative encounters in my life.. Why is/was this so necessary?

As far as the landlady goes.. I wouldn't have expected this to come back if you'd have asked me 5 years ago. I also was completely blind to how much this is still effecting me..

Emotional flashbacks were an eye opener for me, because, yes, I definitely have this..

I mean, it is very hard to raise kids, because I didn't want to hurt them, I didn't want them to hurt others, and I *really* didn't want others to hurt them!!

Every time I started thinking in that direction I got irrationally (well, no, but yes.. ugh..) terrified.. I'd try to keep as much as possible from them in case something would happen to them.. an enormous urge to be able to touch.. something.. hug them one more time through a piece of scrap paper they scribbled on.. I guess it's not hard to see the reasons behind it if you take my mom into account, but for years, I didn't see it. I felt it, but I didn't actually have words for it. The more stressed the stronger that urge.. It's still there, but at least I understand it now.. It's hard to heal something you don't understand.

To go back to your broken leg analogy.. It's like I've become so used to walking on it that everyone just assumes it must be fine, me included.. It's just not that noticable anymore.. Then when I still can't run though, it's easy to just blame lack of exercise...

I honestly was afraid I'd end up in the hospital this time, once the memories came back.. It happened in an instant when I saw the face of the woman of the article. I knew immediately that she was dead, and that she'd been strangled. Itty bitty picture and no time at all.. I saw my mom. Then I couldn't stop seeing her, and I couldn't sort of pause it either so I could deal with life.. for a while it was non stop.

I'm still really rocky.. but it's not that image non stop anymore.. I don't have as much control over my emotions as I did, then again, maybe I only thought I did.. I'm not sure.. I'm just worried about getting through this..

So if you've been where I'm at.. how did you?

Is this normal, or is this something that should tell me I'm getting worse?

I am in therapy, and I like my therapist, but I need something different than someone telling me to dig deep and stay strong.. if I wasn't strong I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have, but I worry it's not enough..

Again.. if you've been here.. do you have any advise?

Thank you, guys..

Thanks Kizzie!

Yes, you're so right.. the situations matter less than the feelings we're dealing with, and those we have in common.. As for entertainment.. I try to keep in mind that for most people this is so far from their own life and experiences, my life must seem as unreal to them as theirs does to me.. Everyone knows loss. Everyone knows grief. Everyone knows shame. Everyone knows regret.

They aren't easy feelings to deal with so most people kind of stick them in a corner and throw a doily over top, but it's still there..

Most people seem to understand less why we feel a need to examine and understand it when we could just pretend it's a lamp.. or why when there is someone on the news who suffers, why it effects us so much.. (that might just be me, but I doubt it..)

In some ways a lot of people seem to have an almost childlike mind when it comes to empathy.. it's not that they mean bad, but they don't seem to actually see someone on the news and feel something themselves. I don't understand why they don't, and if it's them or me that needs the most therapy..
Try to keep that in mind though.. they just don't get it.. it doesn't mean they actually mean to grab pop corn when you're trying to deal with trauma...



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