Messages

 In retrospect, I'm not sure how I made it this far! Probably a combination of genetics, spirituality, along with some sweet souls who were there when I needed. By all intents, I am successful professionally as a Hospice Social  Worker.  I am now a grandmother, awaiting a second grandchild and have wonderful Colleagues and friends.
But, I'm now 62 and I don't believe I have ever known love as an adult, by an adult. My continuum seems to be, I don't trust anyone but, love everyone. I still have days when if I didn't have some responsibility to something outside of myself, I feel I have no purpose. Over all, all my symptoms have improved but, I will still disassociate and can have emotional flashbacks in some situations. Not so bad in the scheme of my life. I am thankful for my strengths, my intuition, sense of humor and most of all, the ability to see the strength in others. I feel I am ready to move forward, to take a next step but, I don't know what that step is. I've been in this "meantime"  for too long and I don't fear I'll loose all I've learned but, I'm stuck. Anyone else out there at a similar threshold, who want more but, can't seem to step out of that self that makes everything we do so much harder?

I too have been searching for the truth.  I was raised Catholic and while I still take comfort in some aspects of the Gospel, the hypocrisy lead me to study " Comparative Religion."  I soon came to the conclusion that any one Religion only had part of the truth.  I believe together we might get closer to the truth, like the strength of corded rope but, in the middle and not at its frayed end!  I too believe that there is a higher source, a Devine I guess but, our ability to grasp this knowledge is embedded somewhere in the part of our brain that we don't use!! 
So, what do I believe in?  For now, without a shadow of a doubt, I believe in the power of LOVE and that's it!!!!    Amen

When I was young and attending parochial school, a nun took me aside and told me I was "spiritually gifted."  When I was older, my therapist took me aside and said I was "codependent!!"  I'm going with gifted, how about you??!!

Also, I saw a tee shirt once the said " Don't SHOULD on me!!" 

"Don't blame your parents,"  can indeed be a statement of insensitive dismissal.  Mostly because many people cannot possibly relate or understand or it makes them too uncomfortable. Often this statement is blaming, punitive and infantilizing.  But in all honesty, between you and me,  i have needed to redefine "blame" just as I have learned to  redefine "hope."  It was my parents, my mother's responsibility to keep me and my younger siblings emotionally and physically safe, she did not  and could not.   The looks of terror on my mother's face, when both she and I thought my step-father would kill her, while traumatizing and a source of my CPTSD, became a source of my compassion and understanding.  Even as a child, I sensed that the physical and emotional abuse inflicted on me was the displaced violence perpetrated on her.  Don't get me wrong, my mother's physical abuse and betrayal is the seedbed for years of emotional captivity.  Everything else, the beatings from my step-father, years of witnessing domestic violence, trying to protect and shield my younger siblings, growing up in poverty in the woods of Northern Maine, served only to add to the weight of the loss of my mother's ability to care for and protect me.  So, when I hear the phrase  "don't blame your parent," it is I who dismisses the source if it comes from ignorance but, not if it comes from an inner voice that says " you could not protect yourself then but, you can now."  My heart still mourns for my mother and I feel sadness for my step father, both dead.  My step father, by his own hand and my mother at 68 from years of smoking.   My healing and growing changed when I was able to reframe "blaming" to "assigning responsibility," for this lead to forgiveness and this to letting go.   

Hello,  don't you wish it were that easy, especially if you have been able to better identify the trigger? I am now 61 and have been working on my CPTSD off an on for years, some in therapy, some Alanon type groups but mostly books, websites etc.  For me, the concept of CPTSD is relatively new, as a young adult there was less understanding or connection between child abuse and PTSD.  I have done relatively well over these many years but, I have found myself so triggered this past year (at work), with the worse earlier this week, I'm beginning to question whether I can keep myself from cascading again.  I cannot avoid this person or the changes being made in my agency.  I know I will work this out as I am a survivor but, wonder how many of us are out there, still struggling with this great intensity from time to time.  In truth, it is exceedingly discouraging to find myself, at 61...still experiencing this pain from my childhood.