Messages

Thank you, San. This EF is second longest one I have dealt with since I can identify an EF. I have probably had worse before, but I wasn't aware back then. A new wave is coming, and I am trying very hard to not let it start right now. Once it starts there is nothing I can do, and I don't want to go through it consecutively with no breaks in between.

------------------------------
Edit: removed.

I think I will keep checking out. I am trying hard to not be dragged down. The weight can be unbearable.
I wish I were stronger. I wish my survival was a guarantee.
But at least now I know one thing. I want to live. All the voices that want me to give up, they are just exhaustion and despair. Need to keep reminding myself of that.
Good luck, my friends.

Hi San,  thank you as always. I did not grow up completely without care, so I thought (still thinks) that it does not make much sense that I am so lost with my inner children. Recently I have reversed to self punishment again (although half unconsciously) by not allowing myself to sleep. It's not insomnia, because I can fall asleep as soon as I "let" myself. My T said I need to stop torturing myself like that, but I haven't been strong enough to fight it back. I am doing all the wrong things and I find myself constantly shamed and apologizing to either IC or ICr.

I have been trying to wait this EF out (two weeks now), but it hasn't stopped. I am having the constant paranoia/anxiety again. I feel I ruined every interpersonal relationship I have, and I have no idea how (or maybe I am just a bad/unpleasant person). I have been talking to people normally without breaking down or getting triggered in the middle, but there are still surges of self-shame and fear that everyone despises me.

The other day when I was cleaning my computer space, I found an old note written by myself a few months ago when I was in a particularly bad EF. When I read it again, it did not feel like anything that I put down myself, and for a while I felt a lot of compassion and empathy for the person who wrote it down. But now I am that person, once again. I hope the other me, the one that was strong enough to comfort my weak "copies" will show up to this me right now. It seems that I never learn. I never learn how to deal with these episodes. When I get stuck in a state like this, it feels I cannot get out. And when I do get out, I cannot remember how it happens, so I just wait. But sometimes time is not enough. This pain can be too much when it is prolonged.

I have discussed this with my T's before. Both of them agree that bullying in my childhood is a source of my trauma (I'm really lucky to have found T's open to the notion of CPTSD, despite it not being a formal diagnosis). One reason is that my body does not lie; I tense up, freeze and sweat as soon as I see people of similar age approach me. Even though I was both abused by adults and bullied by kids, my fear for peers is much greater than that for the older authoritative figures, because my body remembers bullying as a torturing "game", which was literally how my bullies called it. My body told me that peers torture for fun, whereas with older adults I might get away after I give them what they want. It is all messed up, but since the bullying and isolation place a deeper mark on me, I cannot think of a reason this is not considered trauma.

San, I don't know how to calm my inner child (I guess I am truly terrible with kids). I just sit there and cry with them. I think I know which part of my past might have caused it. One may say that the past threat is no longer here anymore, but neither my inner child nor I see it that way. The past demonstrated the capability of human cruelty to me. How would I know when someone near me flips? Just recently I witnessed people changed their altitudes, to me and to others. They will promise one thing, withdraw, and come back again. They will be warm and welcoming and then cold and contemptuous. Part of me know that it is only natural that people have emotions, and they are not always able to control their immediate responses. Who am I kidding, aren't I like this all the time? But I am so scared of not being able to accommodate others all the time. And I think I already failed to do so. I am getting tired. I don't want to live like this, but what other choice is there?

I, inner child, inner critic, outer critic, all other voices, they are all me. I can't tell what is "me" what is not. We are all fearing, in different ways. I fear we will not survive. Inner child thinks they will get punished for not behaving. Inner critic thinks we are all disgusting and that is why we will not be tolerated. Outer critic think other people are dangerous and threats, but we cannot change that. I am feeling so hopeless right now.

Decimal, thank you for stopping by. I know it's been a hard time for you too.  Thank you for saying that I am relatable. It makes me feel it is still possible for me to be human. 

Thank you, San, again. I like how you describe this as a learning process. Being aware of common or natural response on others is still so bizarre to me. I have been treating B/W thinking as a "shortcut". If A, do this; else, do that. Nothing in between; it is supposed to be simple. It's not. I think I will just have to go through this newly gained consciousness, even though it is so painful sometimes. Hug you back.

----Descriptions of an EF, TW to be safe -----

Today I have another relapse. There is a startled voice in me that keeps begging, begging others to let it live. It feels threatened, that other people will murder it, will ignore it or torture it. I listen to the begging and don't know what to do. I think I am triggered by a farewell party thrown for a colleague. He is very talented and loved by many for his supportive personality. I stood at the edge of the room, looking at the crowd, thinking that I will never be able to get approved by so many people. My existence will always rely on the crowd, how they think of me, and I will not be able to "pull it off". I will not be able to survive.  I also ran into an old friend who has ghosted me. I suspect that it is because my symptoms got worse back when she still talked to me, but I could also be over-thinking. Maybe I'm just not interesting anymore; maybe she just doesn't want to tolerate me anymore. In any case, seeing her reminds me of how I failed "the test" again, that I couldn't hold someone's validation. And to the scared part in me, that means danger, that means being pushed closer to a hole that will erase my existence. I don't think people are inherently dangerous or threatening; they are just not very forgiving, but this alone can be deadly to me. I have nothing to back me up, other than the very little instrumental value I might have, but I am easily replaceable. To the others who don't need to use me, I almost don't exist, because I just cannot mingle, and I don't wish to anyway. In a sense, I chose this cursed road, but I still resent that there is no alternative I can see. Sorry for the messy rambling. I am not angry or even bitter; the voice in me is feeling scared for its life right now, and I have to feel with it, because it is bearing this for me.

Hey Decimal, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I am with everyone else here: you are not a burden. In fact during some of my worst times, your replies under my posts offered strength and hope for me. I would think over your words and ideas to remind myself of all the other possibilities and alternatives my brain couldn't offer me. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Lots of love and hugs. 

Thank you, San. I have been thinking over what you said about "taking some of the power back". Before you mentioned power, I thought I was merely taking some responsibility for my poor decision making process. It is quite counter-intuitive that holding myself accountable somehow helps me regain power instead of losing it. I am used to being shamed for making mistakes, no matter how little it is, and I think I also get scared of responsibility because they are interlinked. But maybe it is not supposed to be linked this way. I don't need to be shameful to fix my mistakes or to make matters better next time. The fear of both is just a very wrong conditioning that I experienced when I was little.

---------------------
I went to the volunteering event this weekend. I was paired up with another person, who was very enthusiastic around children, so I actually did not spend as much energy as I had expected. The other volunteer was very patient and helpful (I would say much more than I was). I do notice that her attitude slightly shifted depending on the kids' behavior. I just found it interesting (if not alarming) that my body is so tuned to pick up small inconsistency in human behavior. It is only natural for people to change their responses depending on who they are interacting with; I am pretty sure I do the same thing all the time too.

So why does it still stand out to me? I suppose I have a very weird if not wrong expectation when people say they love kids; the B/W thinking process my brain adopted translates the statement into "I love kids all the time, regardless when, where they are, what they do, who they are", which is obviously not the case and not what people mean. Another part of me also fear that when they claim their love, in reality it only applies to the kids who behave, but how well they behave is judged by the individual adults without a clear guideline, and to me that just does not have any good implications. Seeing the smallest bias on someone who genuinely cares about children kind of builds up my fear, because my brain is actively searching for such evidence. In a sense it is a rather self-fulfilled prophecy. So in the end, I am feeling this impossible mixture of gratefulness toward the other volunteer and a simultaneous urge to stay away (as my body translates inconsistency into danger).

Recently I have been experiencing more often such separation between my feelings/body and reasoning. I can reason with myself how my thinking process has a false assumption; I can even somehow build a conversation between parts of me that don't agree with each other, yet in the end "I" (the part that is feeling the most) will not change its response or thinking. It feels like my mind splits into halves or more with contradicting opinions, and the reasonable part cannot override or persuade the other part that is experiencing and responding. I thought I was getting better (I really hope this does not mean that I am going mad); or maybe this is the kind of hurdle I must overcome to enter the next stage of recovery?

Hi Decimal, I think, normal people or not, we are probably disappointed more often than we would like when we reach out and explain to others. About "normal stuff" and "normal people", what is "normal" though? If you think about things that challenge you, I don't think that is anything inherently abnormal. It is unfortunate that something beautifully unique is also accompanied by painful loneliness. By writing those thoughts out, I believe that you are connecting to yourself if not one day someone else who may resonate with you. I think your thoughts are precious, and it is a great thing that you try to organize and explain them.

San, thank you for the alternative take on the "I don't like kids, does that mean I am not a good person" issue. I know it is probably cliched to think so, but when the event pops up in my email inbox, it feels an obligation to say yes. I suppose it can also be another level of "not being able to say no". I took a break this weekend, did not go anywhere and just remained indoors the whole time. I thought over the event, and I will still go, mostly because they are quite short of people this time, and I don't want to back off on them. If it does not go well for me, then this one is on me, as I made the choice at the beginning without thinking it through. I should learn this lesson and not promise something out of my capability. But thank you for saying that liking kids or not does not determine the "goodness/badness" of my character; my inner child is really happy to hear that.

Decimal, I might be in too much a rush as you and San said. All those things happened within one week. I did absolutely nothing this weekend and slept through half of it. I am feeling a bit calmer now. I might try to limit the trials to once a week or every other week to keep the pace. It's like running; if I stops in the middle, then I may never resume, so I need to keep the momentum somehow. Thank you for saying it is brave; it means a lot to me, because that is usually not how others describe me. 

Long.
--------
I am trying to expose myself to more crowds. Some of the trials went ok, some of them felt like a punishment I signed up for myself, and some of them ended up being a failure that I did not know how to fix.

I went to a book club, and people were so relaxed over there that I was awed by the comfortableness in their body language. Even though I felt very much out of the place to be there, I think I would try to stay. Maybe if I see more of how normal people live and talk I will believe that it is possible for me too. Even if it won't, it still serves as a good reminder.

Then there is a local event that looks for volunteer. I signed up last time, so I signed up again, even though I did not like it at all. I am terrible with kids. There were a lot of people last time cramped in a small space, and I had to detach myself from the site to get through the few hours. I think I need to prepare to detach again. I said I would do it because it is a good thing to do (it's about education). But now I am dreading it, and hate myself for dreading it, for not wanting to do something good, for having a genuine goal not enough to motivate myself.

Today I went to a social gathering with a co-worker. It all went well, until I got triggered by someone else, who did not even do anything; my brain just decided that it wanted me to feel nauseated. My flight response was fired and I pretty much walked out on everyone, including the one I went with. I was terribly rude, but now I don't even know what to do. No one said a thing yet, and I feel a complete disaster. Can't even hold myself up for an hour in front of people I am familiar with.

I want to stop the experiment about getting to more social situations. But it would be too much like a give-up. On the other hand the more places I go, higher frequency I will screw things up. My OCr wants me to hate everyone, but I know that all I hate is myself.

Decimal, I think you may have hit the point about having experience to "confirm" an idea. Consciously or not, I think I have been searching for "evidence" from people so that I can trust them, and I am also searching for things that make myself feel that I am trustworthy too. There is no good way to say this, and it probably is not good in any sense, but I have been waiting for something bad to happen to me; I don't know what and how, just know that I need to go through it to prove that I am a good enough person, to prove to myself that I earned my existence. I also rely on others' validation to confirm that it is ok for me to be where I am. I lack an internal reference point, and like you said, I will need to learn that. Feeling relaxed or content with myself stands for something dangerous. And the same spreads to how I feel about other people too. As I look back at the beginning of my journal, I am not sure how much progress I have made. I am rather stubbornly refusing to change, or just never overcome the fears. The fears, they are everywhere, filling up every pore every fiber of my being. I still haven't processed the worst experience in my life (the lack of it here), and I wonder whether I will ever be ready.

----------------------
I switched T. I liked my old T; she never rushed me even though I would make one step forward and several back frequently. But she is taking a leave and may no longer work here, so I went to the new T she referred me to. We only had two sessions so far, and I think it might work; I just got very tired after summarizing over what my old T and I worked out in the past year within the two sessions. But I am glad that this T agrees with the CPTSD alignment, and we have been talking about the traumas that I have been organizing in my head over and over again. In the last session she said that I need to practice not having to take every reaction from other people as a blame (to me), to not take it personally. I said taking it as a personal blame is like bracing for the worst case scenario. It hurts, but in the case that they do intend to blame me, at least I would have foreseen it and pacify the fire before they burst on me. I don't know what comes first: I need to feel safe to stop using those defensive mechanisms, but if I don't use those tactics I won't feel safe. It is actually kind of funny, because in the end I probably don't feel safe anyway; often after pacifying people with fawning, I just feel the adrenaline drains out and I have survived one more time. So why not try what T and others suggest, just to hold myself down for once and not back off for a change? And ICr will say I am too timid, too weak, too pathetic. It is getting easier to shut it out these days, but it still pokes me. What if it is right.

Hi Sceal,
I haven't finished reading your journal so my comment might be inadequate and I apologize in advance for that.
It may not be the same, but I feel the necessity to perform too, like there is no room or space for mistake, or it just feels safer to me when people do not see what is real me, and the real me should not see light until I fix the "wrongness" that might cause my existence to not be tolerated any more. Like you said, it is extremely taxing and exhausting, but the urge to survive is strong even when the mind knows there is no immediate danger. At the beginning of my sessions of my T, I often think very carefully about what I want to say so that it would maintain some kind of "better image" of me as a patient (so that she will not refer me to someone else or dump me). It took a while before I open up to her without this "precursor", and it worked out in a semi-natural way. Maybe your friend thought it is related to trauma and hence the suggestion, but if you don't feel the timing is right or you are in the process of being open in front of your T, it does not need to be addressed yet. Or if something bothers you at the moment in the session with her, it might be ok to describe the specific feeling a little bit without the distraction? In any case I hope your session will go well the way you like it to be, and here is a hug I hope you won't mind.
Camille

Decimal, thank you for validating my posts here. I "know", meaning that I understand that no one will judge me unfairly here, and what pushes me to self sensor is the part in me that produces shame. I still don't know how to overcome it. Most of the time it feels like I am not trying hard enough to reject it. Someone once told me that I cannot "know" without "believe", so if I do not believe that I can exist without proving my worthiness, then I cannot "know" for real what you, Blueberry and others keep telling me. But there is no ground for me to not believe what you said, nor did I even wish to reject it. It seems a problem that should not even be there, yet I always end up in the same place.

Blueberry, maybe you are right that I have some hidden memories, but I don't recall any so there is not a way to find out unless it surfaces again. There is not much public transportation around, but I have been fortunate to live somewhere close to my workplace, so I can avoid driving by walking or taking taxi occasionally, but this lifestyle is not sustainable in general, especially when something unexpected happens. It never feels good when someone straightforward tells me or hints at that I am a burden. There is not necessarily malice behind it, or intended contempt. And the same people are often willing to lend me hand when I ask for help. So I cannot really argue back, as that statement is somewhat true. What prompts me to try again is primarily the realization that there are so many things I cannot do by myself if I cannot drive (some of them become more urgent these days), and I would hate to beg someone again and again. I know begging is not the same as asking for help, but that is how it feels to me every time. The fear should not be anything enough to validate my reluctance in trying, and part of my autonomy will be lost to someone until I get out of it. I am hoping the fear of dependence will override the fear of driving. It sounds a ridiculous plan, but maybe that is how it will work for me for now. Is there a way to feel less scared? Just temporarily so that I can actually make something happen?

Hi San and Decimal, sorry it took me so long to reply to your kind words.
I have been through some rough periods since the beginning this year. I couldn't bring myself up back to the website, and just feared that whatever i was going to say was not going to be nice or help anyone. There was shame and guilt, and sometimes bursts of outer critic that scared me.
So I waited, till I felt I could post something decent. So here it is.

I have a deep fear about driving and cars. There is no obvious reason to me. I guess I am just simply terrified by the speed of a car. I failed the road tests twice in a row, and couldn't bring myself to try again for nine years. I have been relying on other people and public transportations to go to other places. Everyone keeps telling me that I should try again, otherwise I am a burden to myself and people around me. I prepared the documents at the end of last year, and thought I could overcome the fear. I didn't. It took me another two months to gather the courage again. Today I went there. It was a bit overwhelming to be sandwiched in crowds but I passed the written test. I still need to recharge my courage and contact a driving school to actually learn it properly, but this is a big enough step for me that I feel justified to post it here.

Sorry for just going off line suddenly without a word. I expect a bumpy roads ahead, so I may just disappear again, and I won't be able to predict when and why. But to everyone that has paused at my post and/or reply something back, I am really really grateful, and I will try to keep up and do something return. I hope this short update can offer something more hopeful for me and anyone who might find it encouraging.
Love,
Camille

Decimal, internet bullying is among my worst nightmares. The hatred can be so toxic and it comes from nowhere; it's not a communication, and there's nothing attached to the words, so we can only interpret those words with an imaginary face, expression and emotions, which often go down to the worst case scenarios. I'm sorry that the place you look for help also becomes the place that breeds the pains.

I'm not sure how numbness feels to you, but I often get numb when I get too exhausted; I just shut down. I hope you can take the time to recover from the intense emotions.