Messages

Newb here. I'm an only child/scapegoat. My mother was a well-behaved "lost child," always in the shadow of her older siblings. She wan't scapegoated, but never got the credit she feels she deserved for "never giving her parents trouble." I believe I was scapegoated for two reasons: 1) I came along by surprise. I always felt the resentment from her because she "couldn't have a life" because of me, and 2) I was supposed to be a reflection of her, but a dimmer one. I was supposed to be the perpetually inferior one so that she could have her "turn" to "be in charge" and positively compare herself to someone (since she had been compared negatively to her siblings on occasion). For instance, if I didn't have to study as hard as her in a particular subject and received higher grades than she had, my high grade "didn't count" because I "didn't study enough." If I struggled in something at which she excelled, she'd brag about how she LOVED that subject and always found such "satisfaction" in it. She would FREQUENTLY compare me negatively to my best friend, her boss's daughter, and, of course, herself as a child. She would smear me to family members, sometimes in front of me. She always gave me the impression that she wished I was someone else - like she got the wrong kid or something. Nothing was ever good enough. If what I did was what she said she wanted, the goal posts got moved and it still wasn't good enough.