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I've been away for a long time and while I'm like to say that things have improved, they haven't. At least they won't until I find a way to push through and past everything that's happening. 

I ended up in the hospital right before last Thanksgiving and was placed in a men's trauma group immediately after. I finished there in January, and for the month or two following that, I discovered a part of myself that I never knew existed: a part of me that was confident that despite what I've thought my entire life, I do not need to accept a lifetime of suffering. I do not need to spend my life cleaning up the messes of other people, both literally and figuratively. My relationship with my co-workers has improved beyond recognition to the point that, if I can figure out how to move past all my trust issues, some real friendships are there for me. 

What seems like a blessing and a curse, however, is the awareness that has grown of how much my marriage has cost me, and how far this has gone back. Granted, this happened way before we were married, but would a person not blinded by my issues stay with someone who was cheating on him? And then years later make him feel crazy for still being bothered by it? Would a "normal" person stay with someone who made him choose between her and his dreams of serving his country, being told that after the Marines he would not have a girl to come home to? By the way, these are two repetitions of situations past abusers have put me through, but I adamantly believed that by meeting this girl at age 20, I had lucked out and had better hold on for dear life lest I end up running out the rest of my life alone. 

So now we are married and have the most beautiful, amazing daughter I could ever imagine. My wife's temper is a force to be reckoned with and it's so sad to see our four year old as well as myself end up as the target over and over. Every parent gets frustrated, and perhaps my perspective is unique due to what my own parents did to me, but waking up every morning to the screaming because a four year old kid is dragging * getting ready for school is unbearable. It breaks my heart at night to hear this little angel in the room next to me having the same nightmares that I do. 

Arguments spring up over the most insignificant issues.  And the gaslighting? It's only gotten worse. I can't think it anything but completely reasonable that my daughter's contact with an older cousin that lured her into a bedroom and took advantage of her be cut off completely, or at the least be extremely limited. But because this is her infallible sister's child, that can't and won't happen. I mean, the spoiled brat is in therapy, so there's no chance at all it could ever happen again, right? I never cared much for her sister and her family, but this I just can't forgive and I doubt that I ever will. And again, I'm made to feel crazy every time I say anything negative about the situation. For God's sake, it took a huge amount of effort on my part just to simply have our will, which was being written at the time this situation occurred, modified so my daughter wouldn't be sent to like with my sister-in-law's family and her monster son should something happen to my wife and I. Never mind the fact that I was also taken advantage of in the same manner by someone I trusted, even if I was an adult. Never mind what it does to me to be around these people. Nobody seems to have any concern for my kid. The response is always, "She was too young to remember, and he's in therapy anyway." Not good enough for me, not by a long shot.

To make a long story short, I'm realizing now that I've wasted the best years of my life trying to ignore how horrible this situation has been since almost the beginning, all because I thought I had found the one person in the world I could trust. This person has amounted to the one person in the world least deserving of that trust. And what I'm terrified of now is perpetually finding myself in the same situation after this is over. 

After everything I've been through, and this is a mere taste of everything, I just so desperately want to be close to someone. I was terrified of being alone, so I stayed, and it turns out that I've been so very alone the whole time. I want to know what it's like for someone to be truly attracted to me. I want to know what it's like to talk with someone about something I'm passionate about without checking to see if she's fallen asleep or knowing her eyes are rolled and she's either trying to block me out or waiting for her turn to speak. I want to know what it's like for someone to truly love me, not love what I can provide them, or love the person I could potentially become for them. I want to know what it's like to trust someone with my emotional well being without wondering in the back of my head whether or not I'm making a mistake in doing so. I'm so incredibly lonely, despite having lived with someone for my entire adult life. 

I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world, and knowing that age 4 she has already gone through the horror of what I did is too much. I would gladly give my life for her, but on the other hand, I don't think I have truly lived a day in my life to this point.  I'm tired of waiting to start.

I honestly don't know how people handle stress because with everything that is going on in my life (and it has been a VERY long time since I have posted anything here), the cracks are beginning to show.

I basically did everything humanly possible to make things tolerable at the job at the coffee shop, because going through the whole job application process wasn't going to happen, and I just couldn't afford to quit with a wife and a three year old daughter at home. So things improved there enough to take on full time hours, almost 40 a week, just in time for the new semester to start. I study computer science at a college 60 miles away, three times a week, and even though I only take two classes, because honestly that's all I can handle, Mondays I don't get home until 10pm, only to have to turn around to be back on campus by 8 to get some studying in before class at 10. I'm there all mornings on Thursday, not to mention the two hours of driving each day as well. Cutting hours at work isn't an option because I have to contribute at least something to the house my wife and I closed on over the summer. The trick, I've been told, is the keep the goal in sight of having the CS degree so that not only will I have the degree itself to be proud of, but that the job and financial situation will be substantially better. So no more making lattes for eight hours and turning around and driving 60 miles.

Balancing class, studying, and work, while at the same time being a young father and husband is taking its toll on me, and once you throw the effects of PTSD in...well you know the rest. I always feel like my efforts in one area are lacking, and the shame sets in and won't let go. The worst is when it comes to school...the bulk of the abuse I went through for the majority of the first two decades of my life revolved around school, and I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. I wrote a program for a project that I submitted last night, which earned a 91%...you'd think I'd be pleased, right? I've been steadily beating myself up over those missing 9% all day and was barely able to show my face in class tonight because of it. And god forbid I receive of poor grade tomorrow on the exam I took in the other class last week...that just might break me altogether.

I've been working on this with my therapist for a while now and though things seemed to get better for a few months, recently things seem to have been worse than they ever have been. I don't know how much more I can take, and I don't know how other people do it. They must have a strength or some kind that I lack, something that I wish I had.

I'm back. I was doing a little better for a while and I guess I forgot to update but things have been eating away lately so I'm writing again...I wanted to post sooner but as is typical of me, once I step away from something for a while feel like I'm not welcome when I come back. But I need to get this down.

Just around the time I finished at the community college I started applying for part-time jobs. Unemployment ran out; I was on it for the past year while I was at the community college. I was on tuition waivers while collecting unemployment from my last horrible job, and I am eternally grateful that I was able to essentially be able to be paid to go to school for a year and not worry about anything. But I knew that once that ran out, and I transferred to the four-year school, I would need to find a part-time job to support myself and my family, PTSD or not. So I applied everywhere. I ended up starting with a very well known coffeehouse chain (I'm sure you can guess which one), and have been there every since right after Christmas. They were the only ones to even call me back.

I was stressed right from the start. I'm older than the 20 and 21 year olds that work at this store, so right off the bat I don't fit it, and on top of that, the learning curve is huge. The work is extremely fast paced. I guess I should have known that from being a customer of this particular store myself, but I needed a job fast and this was the only one that was offered to me. But no one talks to me and everyone treats me like I'm weird. It's like they can tell something is wrong with me.

And if they couldn't before, they sure can now. On my way to school, on the first day of school no less, I was in a pretty serious car accident. Whatever progress I made between Christmas and then as far as managing my PTSD symptoms evaporated in an instant. I've been a nervous wreck ever since. I wasn't hurt, and although the car ran, it needed thousands of dollars or repair. I pulled my heavily damaged car into the store parking lot and asked the store manager if I could speak to her. I just wanted to let her know that I had anxiety issues and that the car accident I was just in stirred them up, so If she could bear with me, I would appreciate it. Well she blew me off because she claimed she  was too busy making drinks. And finally when she did find time to talk to me, she forced it out of me that I have an anxiety disorder and that I was having a hard time with it due to the accident. She couldn't even be bothered to have this conversation with me in the back room in private; this was done out in public where everyone else that was working could hear. And instantly she and everyone else began treating me like I was damaged goods; if they weren't talking to me before, they certainly weren't then. Any question I asked about how to do the job (I had been there three weeks at that point) was met with disgust and contempt.

Finally I had enough, and filed a complaint with the ethics department, and almost immediately things started to get a little better. Some (but not all) of the people do at least speak to me now, even if it's just to say hello and ask how I'm doing. But it never should have gotten to that point. I think I deserve to go into work and not be made to feel like I'm crazy.

I'm having a hard time of things again though. The flashbacks have started again, though not to the same intensity as before. And the nightmares...including a recurrent one I haven't had in a while, going back to the brief time I served as a volunteer firefighter. My wife told me that was the most violent one I've had in a long time.

I just wish I knew how to feel normal. For a few brief weeks after Christmas, I had a taste of it. What I wouldn't give to have that back.

Well it's all (finally) over! I saw my therapist and told her how worked up over my grades becoming available at the end of this week and she suggested waiting until after the holiday to look at them just in case the news was bad and it spoiled my Christmas. I ran this idea past my wife and she assured me that whether or not I passed that class or not whether or not I finished my associate's degree or not, she was proud of me and that I did not need to worry about her being upset. The only thing I needed to worry about was my own reaction. That made me feel better about things so I went to bed last night and got the best night's sleep I've gotten in quite a while.

I checked my grades around noon today, and even though they weren't supposed to be posted until midnight tonight, they were there. And I passed everything! This means that I have my degree, and I can move on to the four year school next month knowing that I have that achievement under my belt. And now I have something extra special to be proud of myself about this holiday, as earning this degree took every ounce of strength that I had and had even quite literally sent me to the psych ward.

The funny thing is, that even though I've been very much relieved all day, I feel like there's a hole where the anxiety has been for so long. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm beyond grateful for the relief, but this feeling of something being missing is so odd. Perhaps another good night of sleep will get rid of it.

Yay!

I'm back after a week, and I've made a little bit of progress, and even though it's only been a little bit, I'm trying to be OK with that.

I saw my psychiatrist a week ago from today and I filled her in about what happened leading up to me ending up in the hospital. The symptoms were pretty unbearable, along with a new one: crippling anxiety, which would otherwise lead up to a panic attack, but on these couple occasions leading up to my appointment last Saturday, instead of me breaking down crying, I would get this overwhelming sensation at the peak of the anxiety of me rising out of my body and watching myself as if I were a spectator looking down at myself from above. My psychiatrist told me it was a form of dissociation. Between that, the hypervigilance, the startle reaction, the nightmares, and the constant flashbacks, she convinced me to try Prazosin, which I have been on for the past week. It's definitely made a difference, and has at least helped me to get through my final exams.

Speaking of which, this has been the hardest semester of school I have ever been through because of my mental health, and my grades reflect that. I will pass all of my classes except for one, which I will fail unless my professor, who I have made clear what my situation is, takes pity on me and gives me a D. And if she fails me I will just have to be OK with that and accept that I tried my absolute hardest and fought through a very difficult situation. My wife is aware of the situation and although I am worried sick about disappointing her, she knows I tried my hardest. And besides, I already have been accepted into the four year school of my choice and nothing will take that away from me at this point.

I have spent the past few days since school ended trying to be kind to myself and practice the new coping skills my therapist and I have been working on. I know that this is something that is going to take a long time to work through, but I had my first flashback tonight after not having one in almost a week and I felt an overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself, like somehow I haven't been trying hard enough or that there was something I overlooked.

Anyway, like I said, progress. Not as much as I would like, but progress nonetheless.

Thanks everyone. I'm calmer tonight. I just can't wait for the end of the semester to come next week, hopefully it will come with my associate's degree in hand. I don't absolutely need it as I've already been accepted to the four year school that I want to go to and I'm already registered for my spring classes there and everything, but I've worked my butt off to get good grades at the community college since I started there in January and I would be so disappointed in myself if I Ieft there without a degree.

This just takes me back to when I was a kid, and in fact, the flashbacks about it are in full swing...anything less than a B to my parents may as well have been an F, and I would be sent to my room to hear them ranting loudly all night about how stupid I was. Now I hold myself to the same standard that they held me to, and it's been particularly tough this semester, as my psychiatric issues have made my schoolwork extremely difficult. When I was in the psych ward, they gave me the option of putting myself down for inpatient treatment, but the thought of missing the last week and a half of the semester and getting Incompletes in all my classes (and thus delaying getting the associate's degree, which again I don't even really need) in my head automatically made this option not viable, even if deep down I knew I really needed it.

So instead, I'm trying to take it slow, tackle the studying a little at a time, and work in time to take care of myself. It's the best I can do at this point.

Well it's been an interesting past few days. I promise that one day I'll be in a position not to be so needy on this board and take take take from you wonderful people every time I post. I'm truly sorry.

I ended up in the hospital Sunday night. I'll spare you the details of what I was planning to do to myself but I'll just say that the suicidal thoughts that I posted about a while back came back to stay over the weekend and I had to go to the emergency room to stay safe from myself. They didn't trust me enough to send me home that night so I had to stay over. The thoughts of being a burden to my wife and my family just wouldn't go away and I knew that if I didn't do something to protect myself from them that there would be a real problem. I called my wife to tell her where I was and she was understandably hysterical, but it made my feel incredibly guilty on top of everything else. She came in to see me and I just broke down...it all came out. They discharged me the next morning and already I couldn't calm down...it's the end of the semester at my college and even having just been discharged from the psych ward I couldn't cut myself a break. I've been frantic about projects and final exams on top of everything else. I know this isn't making any sense but my mind is playing the past few days over in my head and my fingers are going as fast as they can to keep up to get it down here.

I know my wife supports me. I just don't know how to relax. I've been so caught up in my schoolwork on top of all the C-PTSD symptoms that now I really don't know how to calm down. Last night I had to force myself to step away from it and it took hours to calm down. The flashbacks related to school are brutal...some of the worst abuse I endured at the hands of my parents when I was a kid revolved around school and what they considered to be subpar grades. So now I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. Even putting in what feels like superhuman effort into my computer science classes while trying to manage my C-PTSD just never feels like enough. All day today I felt like I way on the brink of a panic attack, even though I got a seemingly good amount done. I did see my therapist and we did work on some ways to relax, and some ways to stop the way I catastrophize things, I just have to use them.

Again, I'm sorry for the rambling, I know I'm not making any sense.

I'm tired of being such a burden to everyone. My wife, my in-laws, everyone. I make horrible decisions. I'm horrible with money and I'm still paying the price from my last indiscretion. Going back to school should in principle yield a better situation for my family and I but I have to get through the next two years first...if I had stood up to my parents and studied what I wanted in the first place I wouldn't be in this situation now. My wife has agreed to be more supportive but I feel like she's already reaching her limit with me. I feel like she and my daughter would be better off without me. Everyone would. I feel like such a waste of space. So worthless. Just when things start to get the slightest bit better something minor happens and my damaged brain makes it a million times worse than it actually is and I fall right back apart, dragging everyone around me down with me. I'm sick of it. Not only for myself, but for all those that actually care about me. The guilt is incredible. I can't do this anymore.

Thanks everyone. As much as I want to believe he's changed over the fast few years, I can only speculate as to how much. Sure, we can go out to dinner and have a good time, but when it comes to the unpleasant stuff, there's no guarantee that the old Dad won't come out to play. My wife pointed out to me, and she's right, that he didn't actually scream at me over the phone, but my brain has been wired through years of abuse to take his stern, agitated tone as the same thing. I need to remember that I'm an adult now and that I can tell him to get lost and take out a student loan if I need to. Either way, I'm going to be paying someone back, whether it be my dad or a bank.

This is what happens when I trust too easily, I tend to get hurt, which is why I tend not to go out on a limb on trust much in the first place. I just thought that since I've made so much apparent progress with the man over the past few years he'd be a little more understanding. Ever since I started this process with going back to school he's been quite supportive. But if this turns out to mean more abuse, then I'm not going to stand for it. I just wish I didn't flash back to my childhood so quickly. I've been a mess since yesterday.

Thanks for the kind words everyone! I've never felt such a sense of belonging anywhere else before.

I definitely had to put my last post to good use today. To give a little backstory, I was laid off from my last job around this time last year. Good riddance, it was full of horrible, toxic people and I was relieved when it ended. I ended up using it as an opportunity to change careers, and my state has a program that lets qualified unemployed people attend college on the state's dollar while collecting unemployment checks for up to a year. So I've been doing that for the past year, and will be receiving my associate's degree in Computer Science at the end of December. I was accepted into a highly regarded four year college to continue my computer science education, but as unemployment runs out in two weeks, I will have no income unless I find I job. I found out that the state will not continue to pay tuition if they find out that I have a job. That's fine, I can't expect any more from them after they basically paid for me to get my associate's degree for free.

So that left me with two options: take out a student loan for the next step, or ask my father for help. For those of you who have been following my story, my father is the reason I have C-PTSD...he was absolute abusive monster from the time I was a toddler until the time I was 24 when I moved out. By some miracle, I found it within myself to try to develop an adult relationship with him, and by some further miracle, it actually worked; we can actually go out and have drinks together and such and function as a father and his grown up son typically should. I obviously still don't trust the guy, even though he's become much more mellow in his own age, and he's blown up on me on several occasions since, sending my back to the mindset of the abused kid, flashbacks and all.

I chose to ask him for help, mainly because after my mother died, she left him with a very large sum of money, a large portion of which was supposedly earmarked for my brother and I to assist us particularly for occasions such as going back to school, needing help starting a family, buying a first home, etc. So I felt justified in asking him for help, as scared as I was, And it turned out that I was justified too in being scared. Although the yelling didn't escalate to the point that it might have when he was the abusive monster he was when I was a kid, it was enough turn mentally turn me into that scared 5 year old boy willing to say anything to placate his lunatic father. He grudgingly agreed to help me, and although he didn't scream, his tone of voice just make me feel absolutely horrible and triggered a flashback almost immediately.

I just hope that I haven't sold my soul to the devil. The last time, the abuse could have ended well before I was 24, but I felt I had no option but to stay with him as he was paying for my school back then too. I'm worried about being indebted to the man that caused the C-PTSD in the first place, and being trapped all over again, even though we don't live together. I suppose that if things really got bad I could just tell him to keep his damn money and I would just take out my own loan.

I can't believe how triggering this man still is on me all these years later. Sure, we have a good relationship on the surface, but everything just below that surface it still very triggering and very upsetting.

So I've been working on what I can say to my self, and to my inner child, when I'm having an emotional flashback, which these days is several times a day. I'm trying to be compassionate to myself, and it's not always practical to say these things out loud to myself, so I thought I'd write them here so I can pull them up and read them to myself.

"You're OK. What you're feeling is from the past. You're in the present now.
You're a sweet, lovable boy. You don't deserve this pain.
I know it hurts. No one was there to protect you then but I'm here to protect you now.
You deserve love. You may not feel like it, but you do. There are people out there that care about you.
Think about your daughter. If there's anyone in the world that loves you unconditionally, it's her.
You're stronger than you realize. You've dealt with this your whole life and you're still here."

If I think of any more, I'll edit this post.

Thank you guys! I don't know where I would be if I hadn't found this board. Coming here I don't feel so alone and crazy as I did when I left that dinner the other night. I couldn't believe how horrible being around those people made me feel. My therapists wants me to stop by this afternoon so I'll discuss it there too for sure.

I really do have an issue with being touched. I almost feel selfish for how selective I am with who I let touch me and who I don't but I just can't help it...people that I'm really close to; my wife, obviously, and her father, who I adore, I don't have a problem with. I love when my wife hugs me, and I shake my father-in-law's hand every time I see him. But if it's someone I don't trust, or worse, don't like or don't know, then I can't stand it. I'm back in school and will be for the next two years, but when I was working and going on job interviews, the initial handshake was the worst. I knew that it was something that I just had to do so I just did it, but it was something I dreaded, having somebody I didn't know touch my hand when I was already nervous and vulnerable anyway. It's funny though, because I've been told that I have a very firm and masculine handshake. I guess I overcompensate a bit.

When I'm "on my guard" I don't want to be touched by anyone, my wife included, but if I'm jolted awake after a nightmare, I just want to be held until I calm down and fall back asleep. Is that weird?

Being in those crowds in Philly, which was maddening enough, was made worse by all the incidental touching that came with bumping into all those strangers on the street. And bumping into my brother-in-law on the way into the bathroom the other night was enough to physically repel me. I avoid shaking his hand at all costs, that's how much I dislike and distrust him. If that makes me an *, then I'm an *. I can't control who triggers me. And he's done nothing over the entire time that I've known him to change my mind about him.

This is a great thread, I wish I had come acrosss this sooner.

1. I am intelligent. Especially when it comes to anything related to computers and how they work.
2. I am resourceful.
3. I am a good father to my little girl.
4. I am creative.
5. I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself of this one as often as possible, but I am resilient.

Well I made it through the weekend. My wife really didn't have much choice but to come around...I went into my therapist's office Wednesday after having pretty serious suicidal thoughts all day...not about my wife, just being fed up with my whole situation. I just couldn't see myself ever getting better. I had it in my head that if I were to get better in 30 years, I would have already. The pain was so bad Wednesday morning (I won't go into specifics) that I almost did something. I decided to wait until the afternoon to see my therapist and talk to her and although the thoughts didn't completely go away, at least I know I have my wife on my side. She's been quite supportive and compassionate since my therapist and I talked to her together, and a little compassion and understanding was all I was after. I do see her point of view though: after keeping all of this inside for so long, she doesn't really understand it. I just didn't think she wanted to. But now that I know she does, we can move forward.

We went to Philly for our yearly Christmas activities, and as usual, the crowds of people took their toll on me. It seemed to be even worse this year for some reason. I'm glad we went, as I do love going into the city, but the crowds and loud noises, especially on the train, were tough. I was glad to get back to the suburbs.

Last night was dinner with my wife's friends. They're not alcoholics or anything, but they polished off almost a case of wine getting louder and louder while I sat there quietly with my diet soda. My brother-in-law was there, just as I knew he would be, and I was fine until midway though dinner when my 5:00 flashback happened and I had to get past him to get to the bathroom to calm down. Just getting that close squeezing past his chair to get by made it that much worse. I know that he's a relative and that's something I have to live with, but I really can't choose who triggers me and who doesn't. I feel like such an outsider with this group anyway, even without the C-PTSD. The C-PTSD just makes it worse. Just as I was leaving they stopped me to take a group photo, and I almost asked them why they wanted me in it, as nobody addressed me directly the entire night except for my wife. I haven't felt that uncomfortable and out of place in a while. The overwhelming sense that I was in danger just being around these people was so powerful. But as strong as that was, I feared the confrontation of causing a scene even more, so I put on a faint smile and sat quietly in my chair.

I left early to pick up my daughter from my in-laws and put her to bed and the sense of threat that had been building bubbled over in the car and I thought I was going to have a panic attack while I was driving. I was so upset that as soon as I got home I went into the bathroom and threw up my entire dinner. I sincerely hope that I don't have to end up in a situation like that with these people again soon.

So Thanksgiving came and went without much drama, thank god. But Sunday I'm supposed to have a second Thanksgiving dinner with my wife's friends, which I am absolutely dreading. Basically it consists of my wife's sister, her husband, who is the most unpleasant, self-centered, narcissistic * I've ever met, and their college friends. This includes the ex-boyfriend of the former friend who sexually assaulted me (I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know that happened, as it happened while they were together), and who I've been told harbors a resentment against me for remaining friends with his ex, although I know now that I did that due to my own low self esteem. Needless to say, I don't like these people very much, let alone trust them. I find them shallow and judgemental.

I don't trust people very often. I thought I could trust my brother by telling him about my C-PTSD, but while we were out of town for our cousin's wedding, I overheard him making fun of my idiosyncrasies to an aunt when he thought I was taking a nap. There went that trust. I trusted somebody in that group I'm seeing Sunday to be a friend, but when I found out that he had been texting with my brother-in-law, who I despise more than anyone in the world, that all went out the window as well. Now I know that I can't control who people do and don't talk to, but the sense of abandonment I felt when I found out that these two were talking just brought be right back to the abandonment I felt when I was a kid. So I don't really speak to this friend anymore either. He's always been very iffy anyway, I always felt like I had to be careful what I said around he for fear of offending him. There was the friend that assaulted me, but after eight years of flashbacks I just couldn't make excuses for keeping him in my life anymore. Our friendship should have ended the night he violated me.

I always had difficulty making friends as a kid. I never had any. I always envy my wife and brother and how they still have friends from college, high school and even earlier than that to this day. I never had that because I could never bring myself to get close enough to anyone to call them a friend. When I got to college I decided to go out on a limb and decided that the best way to deal with it was to find a girlfriend, anyone, any girlfriend, no matter who, anyone that was willing to be with me. And so I found my ex-girlfriend. I was living in West Philly at Drexel at the time an she went to La Salle, and we met through my roommate. She was my first everything. Unfortunately, she was from Oregon and left for the summer. Stupid me, I followed her out there for a week, and it didn't take long after I got back to find out that she had been cheating on me with a high schooler. So all the trust that I had put into our four month relationship, all the work that had gone into letting my guard down enough to allow myself to love her was destroyed just like that.

Even today, the only people I really trust are my wife (cautiously, things have gotten a little better since my last post) and a close friend that I met in the psychiatric hospital back in 2008. This friend has been through a lot of the same things that I have and I trust her implicitly. That's it. Two people. I wish I knew how to let people in, but as things stand right now, I just can't let people get close to me. And the way I am, I just can't imagine that they would want to, anyway.