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Messages - Cookido

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Recovery Journals / Re: The Black Hole Journal *possible trigger warning
« on: December 10, 2018, 09:04:45 PM »

This week I had to ask my self, am I sad or depressed? A times, I felt sadness but not depression. Next, I ask myself, did this low feeling prevent me from completing daily responsibilities? No, it didnít. Therefore I am sad.


Milk, I think this is a great way to distinguish sadness from depression. I will try it out myself, stopping for a moment and make clear weather my emotions comes from a place of health or sickness.

I really enjoyed reading your journal, it feels like entering your mind. I was actually looking for your name in the threads of recovery journals and I'm glad I found it. You write in a way that is very relatable and insightful. I hope it's okay for you that I shared these thoughts. Best wishes, Cookido

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sanmagic7, I think what it was that I regretted from the time I left my friends, was that I didn't give them any proper notice to why I left. If I do decide to leave I will give them a better explanation to why I am leaving. So I do think it sounds like a workable idea and I'm glad you pointed it out because it is the right thing to do.

---

Today I met with my student counselor. I will take a break from studying but I won't lose the spot in case I regret it. The student counselor at my school is a very bright and helpful woman,  I am so grateful for her. However, the 30 minutes meeting was very energy draining and I havn't been able to do anything productive the rest of the day. I have a lot of things on my to do list. Hopefully I can clear it tomorrow.

Taking a break instead of quitting isn't exactly what I had in mind, but it is easier for me to tell people that I'm having a break from school. It's quite common in my country that people take study breaks. It's my parents reaction I worry about the most. When I mentioned to my mother that I was thinking about quitting her response was to tell me the value of having an education on paper and also how much money I would have wasted on my education. Because money and status are more important than my well-being. I don't know, maybe she meant well. She isn't great at empathy. When I told her and my father about my depression a few years back, their way of dealing with it was to send me a check with money. I thought that sh*t only happened in movies.

I also wanted to mention something I never had before, genuine caring.

Me and the guy I am seeing was having a very nice moment last night, I felt good. But what I've noticed lately is when I experience very strong emotions I shut off and go straight into a very strong dissociative state. Now dissociating isn't new, but how sudden it goes from strong emotion to shutting off is new. Usually it's a more slow and mild transgression for me. I told him once that I tend to shut off from any strong emotions. He didn't really say anything and I assumed he didn't think much of it.

So yesterday it happened again, I shut off. I felt light headed, couldn't focus my thoughts and couldn't keep eye contact, I also felt so tired that I decided to just lay down and close my eyes. I didn't say anything. He spoke a bit to me first, but when I had my eyes closed he went quiet. He then started to just gently rub my belly and chest back and forth. I remember he asked if it felt nice and that I said yes, then I don't remember more. I'm not sure if we spoke, if I fell asleep or when I left my dissociative state. The only next thing I remember is that I was sitting up, talking to him and feeling like myself again, like nothing had happened.

It felt like he knew what was going on. That he had listened and remembered when I told him about shutting off my emotions, and he knew exactly how to comfort me out of it. I didn't have to say anything. I think this is the first time someone has done something for me that is entirely based on my needs and feelings. Atleast I cannot remember any other time in my life where I felt this seen and understood. I don't feel like I deserve this attention. He has an angel inside of him, and he is too good for me (I know this is partly my IC talking, but I am in fact in a state of mind where I cannot care for others as much as I would like. Depression is selfish).

He told me he loves me. But I'm note sure in what way. I think it might be the angel speaking.

Either way, he is making my two road option into a roundabout of directions.

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sanmagic7, thank you for your answer. I'm glad you shared that you fell in love with someone within two weeks. Makes me accept my own feelings more.

*Trigger Warning*

I am quite seriously thinking about being admitted to a psychiatric ward. On Monday I will speak to my student counselor about how to end my education. Ending the education also means I will lose my student appartment and I will be forced to move in with my parents. Which I think will worsen my mental health even more. I have nothing to lose. Making the decision to be admitted is probably the first step that I've ever taken based entirely on my own needs and will. I want to be reborn. I want to live.

I wish I could speak about this to my friends. To have someone reassuring me that I am making the right decision, because I am basing it on my own feelings. I have made bad decisions before in my life. I used to think that the right thing to do is to never regret anything. What is done is done and then you move on. I've realised now that regret serves a purpose. Regret helps you realise what you have done wrong and what you need to do different the next time. It is easier not to regret, but it does not lead to change or development.

I regret not studying art during upper secondary school. I let others decide what was best for me and I believed in others more than I believed in myself. However, I do not regret the years at school during that time. I made my first friends, friends that I still have to this day. They taught me that I am worth something, that I am worth getting to know and have fun with. That I am worth being loved and capable of maintaining relationships. They helped me get out of my comfort zone and explore other sides of me, like being comfortable in who I am and who I want to be. Still they teach me things I never learned or knew as a child. For example that it's okay for me to be myself, be selfish and make bad decisions, leaving and disappearing without a word. I did those things, I regret it, even if I at the time needed to leave. When I came back they were still there, willing to forgive me because they valued our friendship. Because I am just as important for them as they are for me. Being admitted would mean leaving them behind again. Maybe they won't wait this time, but it doesn't scare me as much. Hopefully I will come out with the strength of building new and healthy relationships as well.

I regret starting university. I was not ready and I didn't have the right kind of motivation even from the beginning. I applied because I thought it was the correct thing to do at my age and it was what was expected of me. If I had let myself regret my decision during upper secondary school, maybe I wouldn't have made the same mistake again. But still, my decision taught me other things. I was able to afford moving out from my parents. I learned that I am capable of being independent and that I have strength to take care of myself. It also gave me distance to my parents, which has been very valuable. I gained perspective on how dysfunctional my family was and I have since been able to build a healther relationship with them. Even though a lot is still very dysfunctional, I have better understanding of what my responsibilities, thoughts and values are, and which ones are theirs. My parents do not regret, they do not appologize and they do not think about the past. I always said to myself that I will not be like them, and yet that's exactly who I became. But it's time for regret, and with that change and development. Maybe I can learn how to forgive as well.

I have not decided yet if I will let myself be admitted (first I need to know if it's possible). They do not treat or acknowledge c-ptsd in my country, so I'm not sure how to present my issues. I have also never hurt myself physically, something which should be viewed as positive, but in this case it is viewed as mentally stable and not ill enough for help. I have not hurt myself physically because I never understood the point, I hurt enough every day as it is. The mental pain I have felt and still feel is worse than any physical pain I have ever felt. I hate pain and I fear pain. I fear it so much I am able to disconnect from all physical and emotional pain (and feelings in general). I've also always had something to keep me from ending my life, because that's the only reason I would see to hurt myself physically, to end it. But as I said in the beginning of this thread, I have reached the point where I have nothing to lose. I do not feel connected with the world anymore. I have reached a crossing with two options. I want to make the right decision, the one I won't regret.

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*Trigger Warning*

I have met this guy for a few months now. Actually, it's been two. Somehow it feels a lot longer. I've never felt such a strong connection with anyone before, I didn't know it was possible. I'm not sure it is possible. Derealisation doesn't help. At times I'm convinced this person is made up in my mind.

Sometimes I'm convinced that I can feel what he feels. I'm sometimes convinced that he can read my mind. It's weird. Like I met myself, but in another persons body. Is that what a soulmate is?

I love him. If that's possible after the short time we have been together. He is confused about his feelings. He has emotional issues, like all people I have relationships with.

We were laying in the dark at night, his back towards me. Pillow talk after I had had an anxiety attack infront of him. Slow and carefully, like he wasn't sure if or how he should tell me. I already knew what he was gonna say, but I wanted to hear it. So I stayed quiet. "This summer I wanted to... I wanted to commit... suicide." He paused. I expected him to say it but I never expected how hard it would hit. How I would feel. The sadness of knowing that he had felt the hopelessness and lonelyness that would make one consider ending ones life. I told him that it made me very sad, and then I started crying uncontrollably. The sadness wasn't the same as during anxiety or pannick attacks. The difference was that I felt better afterwards. Never has anyone in person shared those thoughts with me. It was helpful to hear, even though it hurts knowing how much pain he has felt. It also sucked that he had to comfort me afterwards when I should have comforted him.

I'm not sure what impact on our lives us meeting will have. I just know that it will be important. I'm also sure that we won't stay together for much longer. One of us will leave.


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Today has been a stressful day. I'm not sure why it's been stressful, it just has been. Not every day can be filled with insight and self-reflection. Sometimes it's just bad. I know that I'm dissociating, I know because I can sense the devil resting on my shoulders; making them heavy and hurt; cradling my head; forcing me to tunnel vision; bending my neck so I can only focusing on the ground and toxic wispers. I hate it when I forget myself and start gazing down at my feet. I remember as a child that whenever I was out of the house, I would hold my fathers hand because otherwise I would be completely lost. I could only look at the ground beneath me. I never paid attention to my surroundings, the people or buildings. The only thing I knew was the pavement. One time I saw a 10 dollar bill on the ground, though, I never took it because I was still holding my dads hand and he kept on walking.

That's something I've been thinking about lately. Why I'm not satisfied with my life, something I brought up in my first journal post. It was a book written by Thomas Erikson called "Surrounded by idiots" (the title speaks to me) that made me reflect upon it. What the book basically discusses is that everyone can be generalized into 4 different personality types, red, yellow, green and blue. I could recognize myself in the green personality type. However, my parents are more blue or red, accoarding to the book (and my subjective opinion of my parents). The colors are really irrelevant actually. My point is that my parents, who are very different personaltiy types than I am, have been raising me after their own needs, interests, ambitions and expectations. The saying "Everybody is a genius. But If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid". Gosh, I gotta say it hurts a bit to quote something as cliche as that, but it does explain my life pretty well. I am a fish who has been trying to climb a tree. My parents are poop-throwing monkeys.

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Three Roses, thank you for your reply and reflections. I think you are probably right about people projecting their own insecurities on others. What you wrote about how people close to us emphazise our strenghts resonates with me because it's something I can believe in, or it makes sense to me. I'm not sure how to explain my thoughts regarding this but it's positive and I'm glad you shared.

Boy22, I am not sure how to understand your reply if I'm being honest. I interpret it as quite negative or hopeless, or at least the last sentence "Turn whatever way you wish it is all BS.".

milk, I don't mind that you started the discussion here, it doesn't bother me. I will keep writing my journal. Also, I'm not sure how to move the thread, or I don't feel like trying either haha. Regarding what you wrote about our parents and how they percieve us. I have been thinking more of how I percieve my parents. I realised quite early on how human they are, that they are not all knowing or perfect. I used to idolize them as a child, but slowly I came to recognize their imperfections. I still call them mom and dad, but I have come to view them more as friends than parents. I think this is a mutual feeling. ((After this I started to spin off into another direction than answering you and I realised that the next part is more fitting for my journal than a reply to you. Therefore I split the text from here on out. But anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts milk, they produce a lot of reflections from my side.))

I am unable to recall any feelings of unconditional love from them as parents would have for their children. I think this is what has always been missing in my life. That hole that has always existed in me, cold, dark and deep. The feeling inside is very real, so real I wouldn't be surprised if I looked down and saw the hole on my chest. I try to fill it with love from friends or partners, but the hurtful truth is that it cannot be filled. I am marked for life with the knowledge of not ever have been truly loved by the people who gave birth to me and raised me. I realise this might sound depressing, but I am able to write about it because I have somewhat accepted this truth. I have always wondered what that hole is, why I sometimes feel it stronger and other times barely at all. Usually I denied its existance but I realise now that it is just as real as my thoughts and feelings are.


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Today is a fuzzy mess of side effects from the antidepressants that I've started taking two days ago. I am generally against taking medicine that, in my point of view, covers up symptoms before treating them. I have this idea that I should be able to function and get better without the help of substances, especially when they have an effect on my thoughts, feelings and behavior.

Last time I used antidepressants I noticed a huge change in my persona. I became extrovert, socialized with people, had energy to study and work, give time to hobbies and relationships. However, I cannot remember feeling anything. I remember being active, but it was also dull. I was going on auto-pilot. When I stopped with the medicine I also ended the new relationships I had started, I quit work and basically went back to what I was before. Either the medicine made me a better version of myself or it made me another person. I am not sure. I have lived with mental illness for as long as I can remember and therefore I strongly integrate it with my identity and personality.

Most of my life has been finding out who I am as a person. I ponder, really, not ever coming to any conclusions. As a child my thoughts mainly concerned more shallow personality traits such as gender (am I really a girl if I don't wear make-up or enjoy discussing boys?) or appearance. Today I feel secure, both gender and appearance wise (even though childish thoughts about my  blemish skin makes me wanna dig a hole, hide in it and never to be seen again). As of today, my thoughts mainly surround how I am being percieved by others and how I percieve myself.

Is it possible to have a complete opposite view of oneself from what others have of you? The eye sees everything but itself. But who's view of me is the correct one, my own or others? I have gathered some of the words that have been used to describe me from various people in my life. These are the ones that I remember strongly and that has stuck with me. They are subjective, sometimes they have been said in the heat of the moment, others are more repeated over time. Some mean more to me than others.

Sweet, intelligent, nice, cold - my ex and closest friend
Non judgemental, open-minded - friend
Hard worker, strong-willed - coworker
Angry, intelligent - therapist
Funny, sweet, intelligent, down to earth - new partner
Selfish, respectless, stubborn - mom
Creative, stubborn, one with integrity - dad
Sloppy - brother

I realise when watching this that even though most of them are positive, it's my mother and fathers words that I most strongly feel describes how I view myself. It's frustrating that I can't seem to cut loose from their upbringing.

This last part gave me a lot of thinking to do. I can't really sort it out enough to put it in text yet, but I feel as if this writing gave me some insight. Maybe I'll continue the subject later.

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sanmagic7 thank you, your words are always so warm and supportive. I'm looking forward to exploring this new sense of freedom. It's strengthenigh for me to hear that you have been able to live on your own terms. It gives me hope that I will be able to do the same.

milk thank you so much for your comments. I'm glad I was able to express myself in a way that is relatable, because it helps knowing that my thoughts and feelings are shared with others. I liked how you pointed out that all this is part of me finding myself, or my identity. I don't think many people who are close to me would understand or relate to my post here, and therefore this community and you sharing your own experience and thoughts are very meaningful to me. Even though you are far away, and a text on an internet forum, it still puts me in a state of not feeling or being alone. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

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Before reading I want to point out that I am not sure what the difference is between emotion and feeling and I might have gotten it wrong in my text. I thought they were synonyms till I looked it up. The difference in definitions confused me so I decided to just keep my text as it is.

Today I told myself what no other person have been able to understand that I need to hear. I told myself that it's okay to take a break; it's okay to lower my ambitions and it's okay to lower the demands that I have on myself. What that means in practice is that it's okay for me to quit my education.

I guess it makes sense that only I know what I need to hear, especially when I have been so incapable of opening up to others. How are people supposed to understand that I cannot regain motivation to complete my study, when the origin of my lack of motivation roots back to unwillingness to live?  With this realisation, I also understand what I need to do in order to regain control over my life, my emotions and mental well-being. The issue is not that I want to die, it is that I do not want to live. Therefore, I need to find a place where I enjoy living in. I am done living for others.

I remember when my therapist told me to think of how my parents or my sibling would feel if I commited suicide. That I should think of them, their feelings and reaction in order to keep myself from harming myself. I remember thinking that it made no sense to me, not logically or emotionally. How is guilt supposed to motivate me into living? You are telling me the only reason I should keep on living is for the feelings of others? Guilt-tripped into living, what a motivator. Guilt has already been the primary emotional state during my entire life. Guilt has never been a motivational emotion for me. It has surpressed me, disabled me and stupefied me.

Wanting to live is an emotional state. I have memories of a feeling where the thought of living felt easy, enjoyable and possible. I felt it in my body. I remember the feeling as warm, energetic and light (I even thought there was a possibility I would lift from the ground and float). I don't know if the experience is relatable. But a feeling like this is rare for me. Most of my life has been depression or numbness. Knowing there are other feelings or other emotional states, and that I am able to experience them, are motivational. I just havn't lived in a way that let me feel, happy, I guess?

I wrote this text because I had an urge to share what I view as an accomplishment and step forward in recovery to a community who understands the difficulties living with emotional confusion. When I told myself that it's okay to quit my education I started crying because I felt relief. I have accepted my situation, understand what I need to do in order to move forward and I feel motivated to focus and take charge of my recovery process, as for today at least. I also felt like it's important to save my reflection, because I might need to go back and remind myself to allow relief.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Is this romance?
« on: October 28, 2018, 02:54:01 PM »
Sorry for not responding earlier, I didn't have the energy at the time. Thank you for your support, it was helpful ♡

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Is this romance?
« on: September 18, 2018, 08:41:22 AM »
Long time since I wrote here. But today I'm having a difficult day.

I broke up with my partner. I've realised that he was too broken to be able to care for me. I don't think he fully realised how much he has used me during these 4 years together.

He is in pretty high debt to me and I'm realising I'm never gonna get that money back no matter all his promises. I feel so damn stupid. I'm not in economical issues but just that I would do such a thing as to lend a big amount of money to someone... I never viewed myself as that naive.

I can't tell if someone is using me or caring for me. I've realised that I don't seem to be able to tell love from just someone being genuinely nice to me. I can't trust anyone emotinally and I feel confused. How am I supposed to know these things? How can I know if someone loves me? 

These thoughts makes me spin off into the direction of self hate. I look at my face and eventually I see something twisted, ugly and disgusting in the mirror. Sometimes I've felt like I don't want to leave  the house because my face is so awful to look at, like something out of a horror movie. I used to hate everything about myself as a child and during the years I learned to get a healthier perspective. But it's scaring me how hard and fast it hit recently again.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Honesty and confusion
« on: June 12, 2018, 03:02:55 PM »
If I'm being true to myself, to my thoughts and feelings, then, I want to break up with my partner.

But how can I do so when he depends on me? And I depend on him, to not be alone. I care about him. He has no where to go, but also because he won't ask friends for help. I'm the only one he says. But we are destructive for each other. I can't deal with his issues because I'm broken myself. I care for him and it hurts thinking that I will be the one who breaks him. I know what it's like to be completely alone so how can I do that to someone else?

I'm so conflicted. I feel horrible. I know this person so well and he is the only one who truly knows me. How can I let go of that? At the same time he keeps me from healing.

I supported him out of debt, out of addiction, out of a destructive home, but I can't support him with what he really needs, emotional support. Because I don't have it myself.

Relationships are confusing, but should they be this difficult?

This post is probably as confusing as I am feeling. At least I got it off my chest.

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General Discussion / Re: Dissacociation
« on: June 08, 2018, 11:49:02 AM »
Me and my therapist tried some type of meditation to relax. I was supposed to think of a place where I feel safe and go to that place in my mind. The therapist talks and says things like "reach out with your right hand and pick up what's there. What does it feel like? Is it heavy or light?" etc. We've only done it twice so far. The first time it worked really well and I came back from dissociation and connected with my feelings. The second time I didn't manage, not sure why. But I wanna discover going to my "safe place" more.

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Hi Snookiebookie!

I relate to a couple of things in your post, especially that it's all very confusing. I was told by someone that there's a lot of missinformation about dissociation as well. OOTS has some good articles though.

One of them talked about different forms of dissociation. The two I remember (because I could recognize them in myself) was dissociating from your feelings and then dissociation with memory loss.

I think depersonalisation is when you lose sense of reality, who you are and the example you gave, not recognising oneself in the mirror.

When I dissociate I usually feel like the "I" is in my head and not my body. I watch things from a distance and don't feel in touch with what's going on around me.

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Other / Re: Intrusive Thoughts
« on: May 23, 2018, 05:46:52 PM »
Deep Blue I hope I my answer wasn't too harsh. It made me a bit upset but I might just have misunderstood you.

Rainagain, I can relate to that too. The thoughts can ruin a whole day because they usually stick around, making me weaker mentally. I hope you have a better day soon.

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