Hey there JDMadi,
I may not be the best person on this topic, as all of my relationships have gone horribly wrong, but I wanted to throw in some thoughts, hopefully something helps. First off, I hope things go well for both of you, no matter how the details turn out. Being in love, and being heart broken is rough for anybody. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time.
Obviously, I don't know what is going on with her. I haven't heard her point of view or anything. It sounds like she is having a difficult time, maybe something has been triggered. That's the assumption I'm going with here.
1) Does this sound familiar to any of you, and does it sound likely that she's really done? I have trouble believing that she could flip from positive to negative about us, so quickly, with no reality-based reason, and not realize later what goodness we share.
This is not surprising at all. I want to touch on what you said "no reality-based reason". Reality is different for people with CPTSD. We have been through *, multiple times, and in a way, we are still there, mixed in with us trying to handle daily life. Try to think about it more emotionally than logically. It is very admirable that you are have studied so much about CPTSD and the symptoms, but most of living with it is just dealing with it, and all the emotions that go with it, not so much the understanding of it all. Imagine the absolute worst you have ever felt in your life, then realize she has felt that (and probably worse), on more than one occasion. Maybe she is feeling that way now. Maybe she is truly overwhelmed, and cannot handle much right now. Our mental state, and therefore our reality is not always stable. Its important to realize that your reality is different than hers.
Assuming she doesn't now, I'm sure that at some point she will realize the goodness you shared. When this will be, or to what degree, no one can say. It totally depends on her mental state. What you had is not erased or anything, it is just not available right now. What she chooses to do when she does realize this, is of course completely up to her, and what she thinks is best.
2) Seems to me there's something happening around her son and me. Perhaps the timing is coincidental, but it seems not. I can't figure that one out though - any ideas why that would be a trigger?
Without knowing more about her past, we can only guess at this. I'm sure her son is a major part of her life (emotionally, if not physically), as are you. I could write pages guessing, but if you are seeing a pattern here, I expect there is a good reason for it.
3) Is it a terrible idea to give it a few weeks and attempt to talk with her again? I'm afraid she's so stubborn and self-defeating that she'd never initiate dialogue, even if she wanted me back. But I don't want to intrude on her "space", either.
Unless she has specifically told you not to, then I think its a good idea, assuming you do it carefully. A few weeks may not be long enough though. There's no way to know.
4) Am I signing myself up for perpetual heartache by wanting to love and accept this woman, or can these patterns truly change over time?
I'd say yes, and yes.
In any relationship, there is always building trust and letting the other person in. Sometimes things don't go perfectly, trust is lost to some degree, and this process needs to be redone again. With CPTSD, it is so much more difficult, takes longer, and there is a lot more in the way.
I want to tell you things will get better over time though. Normally, they do. That's how "reality" works... but remember, our reality is different. To the best of my understanding right now, CPTSD is a chronic condition. With a lot of work, it might be easier to handle the symptoms. We're all trying, and we all want to recover, but there's no easy recovery, no tried and true method. A lucky few of us get there, most of us have to be happy with just improving during a lifelong struggle.
5) Any other advice? I'm heartbroken and not just for myself, but for her as well. I can't imagine going through what she has, and I just want her to be able to receive genuine love and understanding in her lifetime, and learn to provide it in return.
Just do that, then. I doubt you want to hear it right now, but keep it in mind for the future.
I think with true love it is important to let all of the expectations go. Just show her that genuine love you want her to receive, and let her respond as she does.
Love means that you care for someone, and you do your best to support and care for them. It doesn't really mean the official titles (spouse/partner etc), or things like living together, as much as you might want that.
As she was healing, I figured she would realize that good relationships need to be two-way.
...
I can take care of myself, but if the only person in a relationship taking care of you during hard times is... well, you... then it's not really a healthy relationship.
I think this is an important point to mention too. This is where it gets tough, because its the other side of the coin. You're right, of course, a good relationship does need to be two ways. If you are both working on it, it sounds like she realizes this... so that's a good start. Hopefully, she just needs to learn how to handle it. With what she's been through though, maybe she literally can't right now, maybe not ever. She is injured, and you need to accept that as part of her. Maybe it is not right for you. That is something you should consider.
Thanks in advance for any sincere thoughts. I'm struggling over here.
All the best to you both. I'm sorry you are in pain. Take care!
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