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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 19, 2021, 05:17:28 PM »

[TW: Suicide]

WHAT???!!! How are you doing all this Jazzy?

This is too important to me not to reply now. While I really appreciate doing so well, it is very important to me to share what I've found helpful in hopes it will help others too.

While I will go in to more detail later, here are some brief points which I find to be crucial, not in order of importance:

• Emotional Decisions and Encouragement
• Music
• Little Feelings
• Take and Review Notes
• Pros and Cons
• Self Encouragement
• One More Little Step
• Determination and Perseverance

Emotional Decisions and Encouragement
A big part of healing for me is to embrace my emotions, instead of shutting them out and using only logic. This has helped me make better decisions which helps me do better at everything.

Examples:

• Deciding to wear shorts when I'm hot, instead of when the temperature is above 20 degrees (68 F).
• Jogging until my muscles gently burn, instead of for X amount of steps or "until the end of the next street".

Music
Music is so powerful!!!!

I fully believe that music has kept me from killing myself. The worst times were when I didn't have music in my life, and the best times are when I do. I don't expect that many people will appreciate my particular choice of music, but that's fine. I listen to what makes me feel good, whichever kind of "good" I need at the time.

Recently I've had music playing from about 5am until around 12am. I keep it quiet enough not to disturb others, and wear headphones/ear buds when appropriate. It is too good for me not to have in my life right now.

Little Feelings
My feelings and instincts are so gentle, like little whispers. I'm used to dealing with feelings that have been so crushing and overwhelming that I've needed to put a lot of effort in to learning to recognize those gentle feelings. Part of what I have learned is that little feelings are massively important. It is fairly simple to deal with them when they are little, but if I don't, they won't stay little. Every little thing matters. I stop and take a moment to feel, acknowledge, think and act on those little whispers as often as I can.

Take and Review Notes
Thoughts, even little thoughts, are incredibly important too. So many good ideas are lost because they are pushed aside instead of given the time and attention they deserve. Of course I can't drop everything and give every idea time and attention immediately, so I write them down and review them later. Reviewing them properly lets me make a good decision in order to pursue or discard them.

Pros and Cons
"Pros and Cons" is a really great system! I've always liked it, even though no one ever taught me to use it properly. I figured out that the point isn't to list pros and cons in order to see if a choice has more pros than cons, or which choice has the most pros and least cons. The point is to understand the situation before getting involved in it, and being sure that the specific pros will provide enough positivity to allow me to "handle" the specific cons. It doesn't matter what or how many pros and cons there are, it matters if I can "handle" them.

Self Encouragement
Self encouragement is so massively important!

I started here. Most people have a big support network of encouraging family and friends to help them along. I don't have that, so I had to be my own. I try to be my own cheer leader. After some practice I combine this with the point (mentioned previously) about how little things are so important. Every little positive thing I do gets big encouragement from me. Every spark of inspiration (new idea), every thing I notice I do well, and even when I notice I'm not doing something well, I encourage myself that I noticed and improved it.

Years ago when I worked in the office, my best friend had a habit of saying "Yeah buddy!" when something was agreeable to him. The more he liked it, the longer he would draw out that "Yeah buddy!". I think that is awesome to take a few seconds to appreciate positivity like that. I like it so much that I've decided to adopt it for myself. Recently I've been walking around all day listening/singing to music and saying "YEEEEEAAAAAH BUUUDDY! to myself.

One More Little Step
I wrote about this a bit in my story. When I feel comfortable, I take one more little step. It's great to feel comfortable for a moment, but it feels better to be continuously improving.

Determination and Perseverance
This ties in to the previous point. I've been through so much, we all have. Determination and perseverance has gotten us through to where we are today. After healing so much with helps from the previous points, I now focus that determination and perseverance in to my "one more little step" in order to keep improving. The great thing is that I don't need nearly as much determination and perseverance to continue growing as I did just to survive in the past.

I've been through *, I have more than enough determination and perseverance for "one more little step" 


--

That's all for now, more later! Hopefully this is helpful. 

I know I've written a lot today so far. I'm sorry if anyone feels overwhelmed by it. Please take the time you need to appreciate everything.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 19, 2021, 04:36:01 PM »

Armadillo:

Thank you so much! This is such a wonderful post! (it is quoted at the bottom of this message for clarity)   

Yeah. I find that so many people label things because it makes it easier to accept, then don't change it because they have now accepted and labelled it. In this case, my psychiatrist said I had "agoraphobia", and prescribed me sedatives to help try to manage it a bit. It's better than nothing, but not what I needed.... and that response is really not acceptable to me. I believe that if someone is so debilitated that they cannot even leave their house to buy groceries, then a serious intervention is required.

I didn't quite do it all on my own. My brother (my sister's husband) has taken me to a real grocery store 4 or 5 times, and he has been so helpful. He didn't need to, but he chose to act as a father figure to help me along, and I appreciate that so much. I also have you and the others here to encourage and support me. It's not a huge system, no. It would be easier with more. I'm used to doing a lot with a little though, it's all I've known. While that is sad, I'm grateful for the opportunities it provides, and how much I am making of those opportunities.

I'm trying not to brag too much, but I do have a lot of strength, determination, and conviction. I have always had it... it was just difficult to access for a while because I was so mentally unhealthy. For most of my life, no one has seen it. Partly because I've hid, but also because I had to focus so much of it internally. Now that I can focus it externally, I am seeing tremendous healing and growth in my physical body as well. I don't need to measure my body any more, not only because I'm no longer desperate, but also because I can visibly see the improvement.

Thank you so much for your kind message about what has happened with the neighbour this week. Everything you've written is so helpful and encouraging. I appreciate that "motherly protection". I've certainly never had it in a healthy way before.  

Thank you for making time to share what you were thinking in more detail. It did not hit wrong or offend me at all. It was great! 

--

I think you should answer it when and if and how you want to! But I'll share what I was thinking Jazzy and hope it doesn't hit wrong, or offend you or anyone else.

I was really amazed to read that you went into a real grocery store for the first time in 10 years. I am amazed that in one way your symptoms are so debilitating that you haven't been able to go to a real store for that long. And on the other hand...and this is what I meant...that you are somehow able to make so much progress - all on your own, without therapy, without a huge support system - that you can just do that and everything else you are doing. By sheer strength and conviction in yourself and to be such a big support to others while working these miracles for yourself. So I suppose it was a bit of both...rhetorical disbelief but also real curiosity that you possess that within yourself. And you don't need to respond at all, unless you want to, and you get to respond however you want.

And I am very sorry about how hurtful your neighbor's behavior has been over the past week. That says only things about her and not you at all. And I feel a bit of motherly protection toward you I suppose and I am glad that you did not end up involved with someone who would so readily hurt others with her inability to consider how others feel.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 19, 2021, 03:59:35 PM »

Armadillo:

Thank you for your positivity and encouragement! I love all the exclamation points!!! 

Thank you for confirming it was criminal. I've never cared much about the law. I have always had a strong sense of right and wrong, based on what I believe and feel instead of what I'm told. So it is powerful to hear that it is bad enough to be considered illegal. The police have never helped me, so it means a lot if they should have.

Thank you for your continued encouragement. I like all the good jobs. I really like how you said it three times, not just one time to cover three things. That may seem like a little thing, but it has a big impact to me.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 19, 2021, 03:54:04 PM »

Hope:

Hello Hope 

Welcome to my journal! 

Which colour do you prefer for your name? It can be any colour you like! 

Thank you for reading my story. It means so much to me that you invested that time to learn about me. It means even more that it was thought provoking for you. I hope it leads to some healing for you as well. 

Thank you for your hug and acknowledging what I have been through. Thank you for the smile you put by your name too. I have always liked that, and it encourages me to use more emoticons. 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 19, 2021, 03:50:05 PM »

Okay, I'm going back and doing some better replies now that I have gotten some sleep.

Amadillo:

Wow, thank you Armadillo! Anger has never felt "good and pure" to me before, but I see now why you say that. Anger was so powerful and dangerous before. It would consume me in rage. I would get so angry I would visibly shake with tremors from adrenaline overdose. I've built up an incredible amount of willpower, and it took all I had to control that. It only "snapped" once, thankfully it was contained by my father.

Now it's different though. It does feel good to be angry at being treated so horribly, and I can channel that in to productive exercise, using my willpower to help improve the condition of my body instead of using it to stop myself from causing damage and pain.

You're absolutely right about how it is more complicated when religion and mental illness is involved. While I feel bad she is mentally ill, I have been too... and she made me that way. I truly hope she heals, but I can't be the one to help her, at least right now.

It's so wonderful that you've found a big transformation and relief in those realizations.  I'm still figuring out what's going on with me on this topic. It hasn't even been a day yet, but it's been great so far!

Thank you for your extremely encouraging reaction to my progress on using my left hand more. That positivity is so helpful! 

Thank you for sharing about your experience with your mother. It helps me feel encouraged and less lonely in going through this new reality. Thank you for your question of how old I was when they forced me to switch hands. That was the positive trigger I needed to make all the positive changes yesterday.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 19, 2021, 08:36:11 AM »

Something that has been bothering me, and has always bothered me throughout the years is how upsetting being exploited was.

No one seems to comment on it, and I don't know why. Maybe the reality of it doesn't sink in, or maybe it is more common than I think. I don't mean to guilt anyone, I'm just trying to share my feelings. It would be helpful to have this acknowledged.

Being exploited as a child laborer, made possible by being kept out of the school system, really upsets me.

I know this happens in "third world countries" still today, and that is completely unacceptable to me, but I'm shocked it happened to me here in Canada.

It's not like there was no way for anyone to know either. Eventually I went back for those last few years of high school. Surely questions must have been asked about why I was so far behind in my education?!

I guess everyone ignored it and just didn't want to get involved. Just pretend it didn't happen and hope for the best. No one even asked me, though. They just threw me in to the crowd and treated me like everyone else. There's been so much neglect in my life, from so many people.

It reminds me of a quote. I know it from a movie, but I expect it has an older origin, but here it is:
All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing.

Of course it should be "people", not "men"... but I imagine it's an older quote. 

I just checked quickly, and it's from Edmund Burke I don't know who he is THANKS MOM (sarcasm), but he has a number of good quotes listed!

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 19, 2021, 08:27:22 AM »

Hello, Libby!

Welcome to my journal!

How have you been? I fondly remember talking to you a while ago. I was a bit sad when you left, though it is quite alright for you to do so. I have left and come back a few times myself. I've thought of you a number of times.

Thank you so much for your kind words here. I'm not used to being called inspirational... it reminds me of the first year of kindergarten, before most of the mess. That means so much to me. As great as it is to feel better, sleep better, have more energy, etc. it means so much more to be able to inspire others.


The old saying about how there are two kinds of people: one who climbs on top of others to get ahead, and one who pulls everyone else up with them, has always been very powerful to me. It's really important to me to be the latter kind of person. Not only does it feel better, but it has better results. I find that social interaction works like a web or a net; everyone is connected together by one strand.

When I'm feeling down, I weigh on the others I'm connected to. When there's only a few connections it puts a lot of stress on them, and pulls those few people down a lot. When there are more connections, everyone gets pulled down less. The opposite is true too though. When I'm feeling better, I can help pull (or at least hold) all of the other connections up.

But as life goes on, there are always moments of ups and downs. If I cut all my connections when I'm up because "I don't need them" (which to me is stepping on people to get ahead), not only will I not be pulling them up, but I will have no connections to help lift me up when it is my turn to feel down.

--

The point is, you're welcome. It's been good for me too, so I'm happy to do it. Thank you for being here too, and I hope to see you around more, if that is good for you.    if you would like.

UPDATE: Thank you for saying it is inspirational. That is an example of turning all of those horrible things in to a positive outcome, and that is exactly what I want to come from it. I'm so glad to see it is happening!!!

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 19, 2021, 02:21:53 AM »

WHAT???!!! How are you doing all this Jazzy?

This is the million dollar question. I've been thinking on how to answer it well because I think it is extremely important. While everyone is unique, I strongly hope I can provide some assistance to others.

But it just occurred to me that it may be rhetorical. I have a lot of things planned to write out, which I hope will be helpful to others, but I don't want to prioritize a rhetorical question.

All that to say: is this question literal or rhetorical? I think I'm getting better at figuring it out, but text only is difficult. There's no body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. etc.

Either way is fine. It will eventually get an answer, it is just a matter of when.

Right now I need to finish the dishes and sleep. I'm tired, but not exhausted; still positive! 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 19, 2021, 01:18:41 AM »

Thank you Armadillo,

Your encouragement means the world to me! Again, I'll get you a better reply soon. I'm processing a lot right now though, and need some time.

Quick answers:

W is "the witch who raised me", though I can call her mother again now that she's been deleted from my life. Wow, it's amazing how quickly things become easier when I take action to deal with them.

--

It's interesting you should mention surrounding myself with people who lift me up, not break me down.

I keep thinking about the neighbour a lot, and after reading that it has been coming up much more. I don't think there's a lot I should do, but I hope and believe that writing about it will help, instead of continuing to keep it to myself.

I'm not sure how "romantic" this evening was supposed to be, but her asking to come over for a backyard fire on the weekend when her kids weren't home sounds like a pretty strong signal to me; especially after telling me about how she has "been divorced for about a year now, so...".

Regardless, on Thursday I asked her if she wanted to come over for a fire on the weekend. It seemed like a pretty safe bet, given she already expressed she wanted to. When she agreed, I asked if she wanted to make dinner of it, which she also agreed to. I asked her if Saturday worked for her, and she said "Yeah, I'll be home."

As I've already mentioned, she was gone from Friday night until Monday morning. On Monday she is home with some guy I've never seen before, and they're having a camp out in their back yard. He's been there more nights than not so far this week.  It's been extremely difficult to hear them (our houses share a driveway, so we're really close) every day, and I haven't wanted to be out in the yard because of it. While we've both been out in the yard a few times, she hasn't spoken a word to me.

It really hurt to be rejected and replaced so quickly like that, but I've done my best to use it as motivation instead of discouragement. I thought I was doing great when I ran in to him at 6:30 in the morning the other day and said "hello" on my way out for a jog.

However after everything that happened today, I realize that she is treating me exactly like my mother. She abandoned and is neglecting me, running after the latest "greatest" thing, instead of investing a bit of time and effort in to building the relationship which already started. It's still not easy, but looking at it like that, I'm glad she too is no longer in my life. I'm also really thankful that it happened so early. It would have been much more painful if more of a relationship, even a friendship, had developed.

It's also good that I can focus on myself fully again. I think I'm "okay" to start a relationship right now, but I'd rather be a lot better than okay. It turns out I still have more to process / deal with than I thought. It's good that I have extra time for that. I think starting something as "more than friends" right now would not be in my best interest, as nice as it may be.

Even though it hurt and it is still challenging, there's a lot of positive in the situation. I've taken a number of notes about red flags to watch out for in the future, as well as making a note about getting to know someone better before even considering something more serious.

I've also made a note of how important it is to take care of myself first, and not change my routines because I want to impress someone. Further, I noted that it is important to look for qualities in a person that I really want.

I was thinking "she's out of my league", because she has more money, looks nicer, works hard, has two good kids, and generally seems to have her life together more than I do, though that last one is quickly changing. However I certainly don't want someone that will drop everyone and run off with the newest person who seems a little better right now, especially without the curtesy of a notification, never mind anything more friendly or personable.

That kind of behaviour is unacceptable to me, and I really need to focus on keeping it out of my life.

Honestly, I don't think it could have gone better. Any sort of relationship with her as she is now either wouldn't last, or would be very damaging. I was hurt, but not too much, and very quickly. I also recovered quickly, and learned a lot in the process.

This may sound very self-centered; I'm certainly not used to saying it, never mind believing it, but it really is her loss.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 18, 2021, 09:35:20 PM »

About a minute after my last post, the album I was playing had ended. It was an album I put on because it was good for working out to. It is extremely loud, powerful, and motivating. It is also an album I listed to daily when I was younger. It is what kept me going. I expect it kept me alive. I'm not surprised it triggered such a reaction in me; I'm glad.

When the album ended, I went to start playing it again. I used to just listen to this for hours on end... but I realized I didn't need to. I wasn't angry any more. I felt what I needed to feel, I took action based on those feelings to improve my life, and now I was ready to carry on with my day.

I had so much energy though, and a lot of hatred still. I put my favourite motivational song on, and went out and just ran. I did about a block and a half (UPDATE: Square block and a half, which is about 6 straight blocks) at a full run. It wasn't quite a sprint, but it was a powerful run, using all of my leg muscles. I had to slow down to take the corners, and weave back and forth between people who were out strolling. Don't worry, I gave them lots of space!

Well, I burned that energy off... and it felt great. Now it's time to cook dinner.

I'll be doing this again. At least the running. 

I still have some thinking, feeling, and processing to do. I'm good enough for now though. 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 18, 2021, 09:12:27 PM »

[TW: Anger]? I don't even know what's going on right now.

--

Thank you Armadillo and Hope. I'll give you a better reply later, when I'm in a better place to do so.

Armadillo, they forced me to switch in jr. kindergarten when I was 3-4 years old. They wouldn't let me write with my left hand, then said I may be developmentally delayed because I couldn't draw my letters very well... with my right hand.

Excuse me, but what the actual *?! I'd LOVE to see them try to draw letters well with their non-dominant hand at 4 years old.

A year later I was reading upside down, in French... I'm sure I can learn fine.

I can't believe this. How... literally, how does this kind of thing happen in society today? I'm so angry right now. Actually, not nearly as angry as I have been in the past. I think this is what healthy anger is like? It's my first time. I guess I'm further behind than some of you in this aspect, but that's alright. I'm getting there!

I literally can't understand this right now. Years of mental anguish and torture. My entire childhood. ... and like, oh this is fine? Just do your best in society, maybe see a psychiatrist. It'll be okay? No wonder I've never been able to look after myself, when "everyone" has this kind of attitude!

I've always wondered if this counted as "criminal neglect". Now, I'm pretty sure... and if it doesn't, I don't even care. It is.

I don't even have words. I just blocked and deleted "W" from my phone and social media. I suspect I've only kept her around this long, because I felt like I needed anyone, just to survive.

I don't now. I can make it on my own, no matter how difficult it gets.

I've always known she was extremely disillusion, but I didn't realize I was too. I can't believe "this" has been in my life so long. No wonder I could never heal before.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 18, 2021, 02:44:37 AM »

So as the truth of what I've been through is becoming more real to me, I'm also accepting that my parents, mostly my mother, are the ones who did this to me. I'm a bit angry, but mostly I just want her out of my life now. I don't even want to call her my mother anymore. I've started calling her "the witch who raised me." It is not the nicest thing, but neither is how she treated me.... comparing the two, I think I'm being much nicer.

"Witch" is the worst name I could think of for her, because her religion tells her "Suffer ye not a witch to live." I don't really want her to kill herself, but if she embraces so much hatred in her life like that, then the consequences are her own.

That's not to say there is anything bad or wrong with witches. While I don't believe in anything spiritual, I really like most of the witches I've met; I find them to be positive and helpful people. I also find the Wiccan creed to be quite good. I wish more people lived by it, or something similar.

The short version of the creed is: An' ye harm none, do as ye will.

Will doesn't mean "whatever you want", but more like willpower. It's the thing that you strongly desire in your life, i.e. what you apply your time and effort in to obtaining. A more modern interpretation would be something like:

As long as you aren't hurting anyone, take action to turn your dreams and desires in to reality.


What a wonderful motto to live by.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 18, 2021, 02:30:38 AM »

Working on using my left hand more is going well! It's not easy, but it is much less challenging than I was expecting. I guess it is easier to go back to default than to force myself to do something differently. That makes sense when I write it, but it is hard to realize that after being forced to be someone other than myself for so long.

While I do want to make my left hand dominant again, I also want to work on becoming primarily ambidexterous. It is so nice to be able to just use whichever hand is closer/available, instead of shuffling things from one hand to the other, or reaching across my body unnecessarily.

Interestingly, there's much more to this topic than which hand to use. I find it is more about how other things are arranged and organized. When I place things on the right side of me, I use my right hand to pick them up, because that one is closer. When I put things on the left side, it is easier to use my left hand, because it is closer. After thinking about this, I realized my fridge has been set up for a left-handed person. I didn't do this, but it is appropriate, and seems very interesting to me.

Another key point is being able to use whichever hand is available. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it feels very "good/proper/natural" to be able to do that. Instead of moving something from my right hand to hold it in my left, to make room to pick up another thing with my right hand, I just pick it up with my left hand. Instead of moving something to my right hand, or reaching across my body because my right hand is stronger, I just use my left hand. It's faster, but that's not really the point. It feels like I was only using half of my potential before, and now I am using much more of it.

Plus, I've never met anyone else who is ambidextrous! How cool is it to be able to do that?! "W" may have tried to destroy my uniqueness, but I'm turning that around and making myself even more unique

I imagine I've already done the hard part, changing my non-dominant hand, so it is easier for me to just balance them out now. However if I can do it, I'm sure anyone else can. It's just like anything... one small step at a time, and a lot of positivity! 

  

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 18, 2021, 02:18:26 AM »

Sage:

Yes, it is amazing!  Thank you!

Okay, I made a note that you don't like orange, so I don't use it for your name. I picked the color "Deep Lilac" (#9840B8) out of your profile picture here. I hope that is a good one. I can update it if you prefer another colour, just let me know!

I find it pretty tricky to upload pictures here, so I upload them elsewhere and just put a link here.

You're very brave to use your real middle name. I've been here a few years, and until I wrote my story, I wouldn't have dared use anything close to my real name. Good job! 

You're an awesome person too! 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 18, 2021, 02:12:15 AM »

Notalone:

Thank you for reading my story! That means a lot to me. I feel good that you had a lot of thoughts and feelings. That tells me that I was able to connect, or at least have an impact, on you and others who read my story. I hope it wasn't too much though. There is a lot of pain in that story.

The nightmares were literally torture. The most physically painful thing I can think of is my heart surgery, when they broke all of my ribs. I'd rather go through that 100 times over than have all those nightmares every night. It was my entire childhood. That's literally thousands of nights... and yeah, alone...

Thank you for your encouragement and calling me courageous! That is really nice.