Messages

Stop
The pain
The shame, never ending, overwhelming shame
Feeling worthless
A failure
Wrong
A broken shell with rotting insides
Self doubt, self hate, self harm
Ugly, bitter, twisted
Bad
Rotten to the core
A pain, a burden, a risk
A waste
Wearing a mask to hide the truth
Wanting to please
Wanting to trust
Wanting to love
Not knowing how
The never ending turn and return
No escape
No reprieve
No hope
Stop

MyPrison1965 I don't think either reaction makes anyone better than the other. I am starting to understand that my reactions to situations are not always 'normal'. This is not my fault (although my ICr will tell me otherwise) but to do with how skewed the development of them was. We compare ourselves mostly to people who had 'normal' relationships and development. Perhaps if we had the chance to compare to people who grew up in a war zone etc our reactions would seem much more 'normal'. I put normal in quotes for this reason because it is a relative term. I've also started to think, when I'm lucid enough to do it rationally, that people had issues with me sometimes because of that non-'normal' behaviour. But at the time I couldn't see it. Also I would much rather hurt myself than hurt someone else but I have to learn where that line is. I think that sometimes we perceive people to want power and control over us because that is our experience but not all people do. In fact the vast majority of people are actually too caught up in their own lives to want to mess with others. Unfortunately we've all experienced the work of the minority but if I believe everyone is like that I wouldn't see any point in life.

Thank you all for your work.

Sceal reading this post has given me hope. Well done you!

  me! So happy to have it back.

Hope I don't know whether watching it again will help you but I wanted to let you know that many DVD players can be made region free and so will play dvds from the US also. Google how to make DVD player region free and see if you can get the instructions for your model. I know we were able to do that years ago and brought home loads of dvds from the States where they were cheaper. This was before the days of internet streaming.

No Sceal not at all, what I meant was I identified with it immediately. Art that provokes a reaction is good art.

Sceal both pieces are amazing. I had a physical reaction to the first one. I think it spoke to my pain. This one is also so expressive. They really are very good.

Thanks DL

I understand that. For me it's like a gap between logic and feeling. I logically know that an eight year old cannot be to blame for that but I still feel responsible. I hope that in time, with help I will be able to join the two. I hope you will too.

Thanks Blueberry. I'm okay. I think I am going to be starting some IC work with my T next week. I've found it hard to do in past counselling but hope this T's methods are better given that it is specialised trauma therapy. It is really hard to be trying to work through this and then switch back into 'normal' life. My kids are quite young so I have to be mommy. Also trying my best to not screw them up too. i rang my sister who gets it it so that helped. She is an alcoholic and I told her I envied her tonight because I want a way to just make myself numb. But alcohol doesn't work for me.

Thanks for the reply Ah. Unfortunately I had a huge screaming row with my DH not long after this so I'm really not in a good place now. Had to put on my mommy mask and reassure my kids that it's all okay. The screaming rows are rare but it's not all okay and I'm feeling very alone.

I had never heard of EFs until I came on here and I'm not sure if I completely understand what they are but something happened today  that I think is it and I wanted to see if it is. I was cleaning my kitchen and singing along to Simon & Garfunkel. I was at the sink washing dishes and suddenly I was transported back to being a kid. When my M would go out to shops etc I'd be expected to clean up. I felt free when she left and would put on a record and sing along, Simon & Garfunkel was a favourite for cleaning the kitchen. Our sink looked out the window at our driveway and I would stand there hoping and praying that she crashed or somehow was killed. When .I would see her car come down the driveway my fear came back and I would frantically try to make sure I had cleaned the kitchen right. Of course I would have done something wrong.
Today I suddenly got overtaken by fear and felt sick. I was able to keep the panic in check but have felt that sense of fear and doom since. Is that an EF?

I'm glad you are changing and I hope this works out better for you. As we all know it is a very important relationship with your T and since interpersonal relationships are a big part of our problems we need someone who we can trust with all of that. I wish you the very best with it.

Thanks for the replies.
Yes ThreeRoses I agree that I wouldn't be overly hostile to anyone in front of my kids and would try to model good behaviour for them. Also I can't handle confrontation so I would avoid that at all costs. But this was and is different. Deep down I always suspect that I did something wrong and I want to make up for that I think.
Radical I think that point you posted has hit the nail on the head. I will check the link thanks.