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Messages - Hope67

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Hi Blueberry,
That's wonderful that you'll be seeing it in the cinema with a friend.  I've finished watching it now, but I won't say anymore about it till you've seen it. 

Interesting that you mentioned 'Tom's Midnight Garden' as that's another book I used to read as a child, and I loved it too - I was thinking about it whilst watching 'The Secret Garden' just now - and thinking - 'I must re-read it'.  I'm not sure if I've ever watched it - so might do that as well sometime.

Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: October 24, 2020, 02:15:28 PM »
I've been watching the latest version of 'The Secret Garden' film, and then I was able to go to write something about 'Anger' in another thread in the forum, and ended up re-reading something I'd written in 2019 about my own anger, and now I am feeling upset inside myself.

I'm not sure what the trigger is - whether it was watching 'The Secret Garden' - which is a book and film that I relate to so much, or whether it was thinking about the emotion of anger. 

Anyway, it's good that I'm in touch with my emotions more, and feeling them more - I think that's better than dissociating and numbing.  I do think that is better to feel them, and I am definitely doing so.

I feel better already for having just written that.  Strangely I have an ache in my stomach though, feeling some pain there.    Not too bad though. 

Hope  :)

24th October 2020
I am thankful to Bach for writing about Anger, as I was able to re-read what I'd written here in 2019.  Interesting to see how I wrote about it then.
Hope  :)

Hi Bach,
Your post also brought up many thoughts for me, as Anger is an emotion that I find hard to express and feel, but I am beginning to be able to express it and feel it, as time goes on.  I think it was repressed in my childhood, as my M didn't like me expressing it, and I think I had to repress many of my feelings.  I felt them physically instead - like with tension in my neck, my jaw and clenching my teeth.  I don't do this as an adult.  As an adult, I think there's been a part of me that's held my anger, and expressed it - by saying stuff, but which I don't actually express myself.  But I'm beginning to try to do so, and I realise there's probably quite a lot of anger that I've been holding inside, and it needs to come out and be expressed, but hopefully in a safe way.
Hope  :)

I have just been watching 'The Secret Garden' film - the newest one with Colin Firth in it.  Made in 2020, so this year.  I found it quite emotional to watch it - and haven't watched it all yet.  Hope to watch more later.  It's a lovely version of the film - I really felt the isolation for Mary at the start of the film.  They captured it really well, I thought.  I've watched it to the part where she is shown the key to the garden by the robin. 

Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: October 24, 2020, 12:27:54 PM »
24th October 2020
I've been thinking about the emotion of 'anger' as I know that Bach had put a post up asking for thoughts about it, and each time I've wanted to write something there, I've not felt able to do so.  Why has that been?  I think it's because I have such a lot I could potentially say about Anger, but don't feel I could put a reply that would be concise - and maybe that's why I've not been able to respond yet.  But, I hope to do so at some point - as I really appreciated Bach's post mentioning that emotion - and I really do want to think further about it, and contribute something too.  So writing this here to remind myself that I want to do that. 

Having just said that, I feel like I want to write a bit more in my journal - about Anger.  I do remember when I was very little, that I expressed feeling angry with my M, and she really shut me down, and made me feel like I shouldn't feel that emotion - and even more strongly, that I was 'wrong' to express it to her directly - hence I think I swallowed the emotion down afterwards, and didn't feel I could feel or express it.  But I think it went into my body - in terms of tension in my neck, my jaw, and gritting my teeth quite a bit.  I'm thankful that I don't do this anymore as an adult, but I think I did it for quite a few years whilst a child and teenager and even into my early 20's. 

I have begun to feel some anger recently - in recent months, but what I noticed early on was that there was a part of me who seemed to express the anger - she would swear and crash about physically in my mind, and respond to stuff with angry movements.  But you'd not know that if you looked at me, the person, as I wouldn't show that.  Just felt that part of me reacting.  More recently I've actually been able to 'feel the anger' more directly - as if it's within me, rather than as a part of myself. 

Also I experimented a bit the other day - just this last week - by allowing myself to shout and express my anger about something 'out loud' (as I was alone at home at the time, so had the freedom to do that) and I found it quite liberating to do that for a bit.  I also surprised myself with the level of anger that came out of myself. 

However, later in the day, I found the anger was still there, and quite strong...!

When I told my partner what I'd been doing, he looked a bit worried - as I think he was concerned about how it would be to have an angry version of me - and I told him that I didn't want to have to worry about him, as if I did so, then I would be bottling up my feelings, and repressing them again, and I said I didn't think I'd be bad with my anger - but that expressing it would be good for me.  Just as feeling my emotions is better for me than diverting or avoiding them.

See, I'm writing a lot - I feel like I can't write all of this in the post where Bach asked about Anger - I feel like I'd be monopolising the space.  I am not sure I could write it succinctly.

Something else that I've noticed this week, is that I am moving towards emotions that I find uncomfortable, and not avoiding them - and this has meant that I'm beginning to process more things - especially at night - when I feel waves of EF's surfacing, and feel the contact of different parts of myself - who hold different intensities of emotions.  I am feeling less afraid than I might have felt previously, because I am welcoming the contact and wanting to understand it - rather than try to distract or avoid it.

I have made a start with my written journal - where I am going to allow different parts of myself to write.  I had some helpful feedback from some people in the forum about how they use their journals, and one of my parts decided she wanted to write in the middle, on a 'random page' - so she did. 

Interesting that later, another part kept putting the thought in my mind that she wanted to go and 'gauge out' the pages of the book - which was quite a destructive image, and I didn't go with that suggestion, as I want my book to remain intact.  But I do think there are parts that have quite a bit of stuff they want to express, and have been putting images of things in my head recently suggesting that they'd like to express things.  I can't write the content of those things - but they are not very nice.  I'm not sure how to deal with that.  But I wanted to write it here, so I remember it.

Can't think of anything else I want to write here today, but glad to have written something.
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: October 22, 2020, 10:04:38 AM »
Hi Tee, Thank you so much  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« on: October 22, 2020, 10:04:03 AM »
Hi Blueberry,
I hope that you were able to hold your IC in your arms, and that she felt your presence and your comfort for her.  I have found when I put my arms around myself, that my IC feels that, and relaxes.  I wanted to say this, when I read what you wrote yesterday, but I felt like I would be intruding, but today - I wanted to say it, and I hope it's ok.  Sending you and your IC a comforting hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Inner Child Work / Re: How to journal - to honour and befriend my parts
« on: October 19, 2020, 03:44:11 PM »
Hi Marta,
I noticed that you mentioned the typo last night, so I didn't look up the therapy name.   :)

Hi OceanStar,
Thank you for sharing your experience - it is definitely useful, so thank you.  I particularly appreciated the lack of identifying names, that's a good thing to consider.  I was very interested to hear how you can see differences in your hand-writing and therefore are able to identify different parts from that.  Having the flexibility to approach your book from different angles - upside down, and at the back - I think that's really interesting.

I am glad to hear that your feelings of vulnerability have lessened over time.  I am hoping that this will be the same for me.

I will hope to keep you updated on how I get on, as I do want to share that.  I find it so helpful to read other people's experiences, and I also want to share mine as well.  Thank you for your reply, it's been very helpful and useful. 

Hope  :)

Inner Child Work / Re: How to journal - to honour and befriend my parts
« on: October 18, 2020, 06:37:59 PM »
Hi Marta,
Thanks for sharing your experience of journalling - I really like the idea of having 2 journals and having them in different places, and using the one closest to hand - that really sounds good to me. 

It was interesting that you thought I was 'further' than you in a process - I thought - no, I don't think I am!!!  I often feel like I'm stalling and fumbling about - not necessarily knowing what I'm doing, or how I'm progressing.  So it was interesting to hear you say that.  I've not heard of the Munich therapy process - I think I'll look that up.

I think it's great that you have been able to use your journalling to 'dissect and use writing as a way for your parts to speak' - and you mentioning that some of your parts are against speaking or writing, that definitely matches my experience - I've felt resistance about it.  I remember doing it in some places in the forum, but it felt like a while ago, and sometimes when I read back things I've written, I am amazed by what I've actually written.

I'm sorry for responding with such a lengthy reply - I feel like I have LOTS of words in me today - like they are tumbling out.

I appreciate your reply and your thoughts and experiences.  Thank you.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: October 18, 2020, 12:51:09 PM »
Thank you Blueberry  :hug: :hug:

18th October 2020
I managed to put a query in the part of the forum called Inner Children, and I feel glad to have done that.  It is about wondering how people are journalling to enable communications from inner children, i.e. on paper.

I'm getting towards the end of the third Cathy Glass book, and I already fear the fact it's an 'ending' - I really get triggered by endings or goodbyes, but I know that I am managing to process some of the reasons for that now, and therefore I'm not 'as bad' as I was previously regarding handling endings.

I've found it so therapeutic to read some of Cathy Glass's book each day, as I've imagined that me and my inner children are all there, and Cathy's writing includes details that really engage parts of myself who are at various different ages - and I feel their reactions as the book is read and processed, and it's been really helpful.  I've been reminded of so many things in my past life, and it's been really helpful to hear Cathy's perspective on things (she's a foster carer) and also her experience of professionals like Social workers, teachers etc.  Also she writes of the experiences of the fostered children, and the things they've experienced in their lives, and that helps all my younger parts to understand some things better.  Once I've read it all through, I might come back to bits I've underlined - I bought the book, and I've written in it - as I want to keep it and re-read some bits.

Hope  :)

Inner Child Work / How to journal - to honour and befriend my parts
« on: October 18, 2020, 12:44:17 PM »
Hi everyone,
In addition to the Journal I keep here in this forum, I also want to also start journalling on paper - and hoping to do so for the benefit of enabling my different parts to communicate.  So I wanted to ask if anyone could share their thoughts/experiences with regard to this.

I am wondering whether to just have a flowing diary where all  parts can write, or whether to have different books for each of them to write in - but I don't want to make it too complicated.

I have got quite a few different books already - none of them have been written in!  Part of the difficulty is wondering about how best to approach it, and I guess different parts are finding it difficult to let me start doing it.  Hence I haven't done it yet.

Any thoughts or reflections from anyone - I'd really like to hear them, as I feel sure it will help me make some decisions on how to proceed.

Thank you
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: October 17, 2020, 10:43:02 AM »
17th October 2020
I've been having more dreams at night.  I should write them down, but I haven't, and so I've lost some of the content/themes.  But maybe I've not written about them on purpose - I don't know.

I really want to ask a couple of things in the forum, so I might do that later.  There's resistance amongst my parts about doing that, but I really feel like I want to seek others' thoughts about a couple of things, and so I will hope to write something later. 

Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: October 17, 2020, 10:40:53 AM »
Glad you got some sleep Tee.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« on: October 17, 2020, 10:40:19 AM »
Hi Blueberry,
I noticed that in the Potting Shed you'd mentioned that you still have a flowering rose, and there are buds, and you spoke of the lovely scent of that rose, and how you breathed it in.  I wanted to say that I also imagined that it would smell really nice, and I was happy that you had such a nice rose. 

I hope you're able to get the down-time you mentioned. 

Hope  :)

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