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Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

« on: June 18, 2021, 12:46:40 PM »

18th June 2021
I am in tears now.  I started off feeling as if I was ok.  I was replying to some people's journals, and I realise I'm not able to really cope with the emotions that are coming up.  I know it's been a lot this last few days, and I've felt really unwell in myself.  I did read the things you wrote here in my journal, and I want to thank you all for writing, I wanted to do that individually and by name, but I'm too upset to focus myself.

I can write though, and as I write, the tears are stopping, and I just have the wet cheeks.  I'll go and blow my nose.

OK, back again.  I think I just need to write out whatever comes out just now, and leave it there...  I'll try not to worry too much about 'what' I write.

So, the last few days, I've felt awful - I can't put into words how it was, but it was tough to get through the days.  My brain is shutting down, as I write this, I can't continue.  There's a part of me that doesn't want me to write about it.

I'll have to stop and see if I can continue later in the day, or another day.

Hope 

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Recovery Journals / Re: digging out of the muck

« on: June 18, 2021, 12:41:33 PM »

 
Hope 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021

« on: June 18, 2021, 12:41:02 PM »

Hi Notalone,
I love seeing the pink in your journal too.  I can't work out how to do colours at this moment, otherwise I'd join in - but I think I'm a bit younger in my selves today, so not able to necessarily work things out. 

But I have been reading your journal now and then, and have wanted to reply, but not always felt able to, but I do want to send you a hug 

Hope 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards

« on: June 18, 2021, 12:38:14 PM »

Hi Blueberry,
I really hear the adult self of you setting boundaries in your writing in relation to your student. 

I haven't been around as much this past few days, so I was late in adding some validation and cheers your way, but I have been thinking of you from time to time - so sending you some hugs and cheers now 

Hope 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Diary 2021

« on: June 18, 2021, 12:35:59 PM »

Hi Rainydiary,
I completely understand that you're feeling sensitive about hearing about that conversation, but I do think that it's good that your husband told you about it.  His mom can of course say what she likes, but at the end of the day, it's down to you and your husband to decide what you both want for your lives together.  I hear your sigh about it clearly. 

I hope you both can enjoy the rest of the day, and not let his mom affect it any more - it's so great that you and your husband are feeling on more stable ground and feeling a lot better in your relationship.  That's wonderful to hear.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

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Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible

« on: June 18, 2021, 12:32:53 PM »

Dear Bach,
I also appreciated reading your reflections, and I want to send you a supportive hug  plus lots of care your way. 
Hope 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega

« on: June 18, 2021, 12:31:18 PM »

Hi Jazzy,
I also read  your description of your life and experiences, and found them thought provoking too.  Wanted to send you a supportive hug - you have been through so many things - 
Hope 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

« on: June 18, 2021, 12:29:42 PM »

Hi BeeKeeper,
I love the sound of apricot cotton, it sounds lovely.  I'm happy that you're feeling your confidence grow with each small change and that's heartening to hear.  Sending you a hug 
Hope 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

« on: June 13, 2021, 11:40:05 AM »

13th June 2021

I have had so many emotions regarding the communication I had from my NM, and I was thankful to find this article, that I read and which helped me yesterday:

It's called '11 signs you have an emotionally abusive mother' - and I wanted to keep it here in my journal, so I can re-read it if I need to.

https://www.regain.us/advice/parenting/11-signs-you-have-an-emotionally-abusive-mother/

What it helped me do was 'feel some anger' about the communication that she'd sent me.  A friend of mine (whom I shared the contents with) said that it was entirely abusive, and there was just so much and indeed so many issues that she brought up.  Each one hurt me - but I hadn't really felt anger till last night, and actually it helpful to me to feel that.

I realise that this recent contact from her has made me feel ill in some ways.  But I am hoping that I can maintain some equilibrium and get through this.  Negotiate my way forwards. 

I have some parts that internally criticise me and tell me that I'm a 'bad daughter', and I feel societal expectations - or at least my perceptions that society and other people won't understand.  Afterall, I've tried to protect my dysfunctional family by not talking about what was happening, and portraying a coping face to the world, so how could they understand???  I've hidden it from others, and in many respects I've hidden it from myself, as I recognise fragmented parts of myself are holding different thoughts and feelings about it.

I don't know what my relative is likely to do, as she seems to be aggressive and attacking in her words.  I am fearful in some respects, but I have to tell myself that I'm safe.  But of course it doesn't feel so safe. 

Difficult.

Hope 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

« on: June 13, 2021, 11:29:45 AM »

Hi Armadillo,
I wanted to send you a hug of support   
Hope 

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Introductory Post / Re: G'day from Canada!

« on: June 12, 2021, 10:28:43 AM »

Hi TreseO,
Those are powerful words expressed by Van Morrison in that song. 

Wow, you saw the Beatles in '63, I imagine that was amazing.

Anyway, welcome.

Hope 

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Introductory Post / Re: Time to come back.

« on: June 12, 2021, 10:24:19 AM »

Hi Libby,
Welcome back, I remember you very well.  I missed you.  You have clearly been through a lot of transitions and changes, and you mentioned making some good progress too, and I am so glad to hear that you are ok.

 

Welcome back 

Hope 

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Sexual Abuse / Re: Question that came to my mind from reading a book

« on: June 10, 2021, 06:08:47 PM »

Hi Snailspace,
Thank you for this link.  I have read some of it, and am finding the discussion posts interesting.  I appreciate you finding that link.  I have read different books in the past, and I find the subject over-whelming, especially as all my parts have different feelings and thoughts about things. 
Hope 

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Further down than I've ever been ...

« on: June 10, 2021, 06:06:50 PM »

I couldn't find your post till now, Woodsgnome, but I remember reading it previously, and intending to reply - and wanting to offer you a hug of support and care    I thought about us all being ships on the ocean, offering beacons and support to each other in the night - it helped me to get through some of the night-time when I wasn't able to sleep, and I really hope that you are able to feel the care and support of all of us at this time, and that it helps you along the way   

Take care, Woodsgnome, and hope you are ok.   
Hope 

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Bad EF

« on: June 10, 2021, 06:03:54 PM »

Hi Kizzie,
Sending you a supportive hug    I am so sorry that you're experiencing those fears of abandonment, and I really hope that your son will be ok - I'm glad you have your H and a good T and that you've reached out to both of them, and I hope they support you through this. 

Hope