24th October 2020
I've been thinking about the emotion of 'anger' as I know that Bach had put a post up asking for thoughts about it, and each time I've wanted to write something there, I've not felt able to do so. Why has that been? I think it's because I have such a lot I could potentially say about Anger, but don't feel I could put a reply that would be concise - and maybe that's why I've not been able to respond yet. But, I hope to do so at some point - as I really appreciated Bach's post mentioning that emotion - and I really do want to think further about it, and contribute something too. So writing this here to remind myself that I want to do that.
Having just said that, I feel like I want to write a bit more in my journal - about Anger. I do remember when I was very little, that I expressed feeling angry with my M, and she really shut me down, and made me feel like I shouldn't feel that emotion - and even more strongly, that I was 'wrong' to express it to her directly - hence I think I swallowed the emotion down afterwards, and didn't feel I could feel or express it. But I think it went into my body - in terms of tension in my neck, my jaw, and gritting my teeth quite a bit. I'm thankful that I don't do this anymore as an adult, but I think I did it for quite a few years whilst a child and teenager and even into my early 20's.
I have begun to feel some anger recently - in recent months, but what I noticed early on was that there was a part of me who seemed to express the anger - she would swear and crash about physically in my mind, and respond to stuff with angry movements. But you'd not know that if you looked at me, the person, as I wouldn't show that. Just felt that part of me reacting. More recently I've actually been able to 'feel the anger' more directly - as if it's within me, rather than as a part of myself.
Also I experimented a bit the other day - just this last week - by allowing myself to shout and express my anger about something 'out loud' (as I was alone at home at the time, so had the freedom to do that) and I found it quite liberating to do that for a bit. I also surprised myself with the level of anger that came out of myself.
However, later in the day, I found the anger was still there, and quite strong...!
When I told my partner what I'd been doing, he looked a bit worried - as I think he was concerned about how it would be to have an angry version of me - and I told him that I didn't want to have to worry about him, as if I did so, then I would be bottling up my feelings, and repressing them again, and I said I didn't think I'd be bad with my anger - but that expressing it would be good for me. Just as feeling my emotions is better for me than diverting or avoiding them.
See, I'm writing a lot - I feel like I can't write all of this in the post where Bach asked about Anger - I feel like I'd be monopolising the space. I am not sure I could write it succinctly.
Something else that I've noticed this week, is that I am moving towards emotions that I find uncomfortable, and not avoiding them - and this has meant that I'm beginning to process more things - especially at night - when I feel waves of EF's surfacing, and feel the contact of different parts of myself - who hold different intensities of emotions. I am feeling less afraid than I might have felt previously, because I am welcoming the contact and wanting to understand it - rather than try to distract or avoid it.
I have made a start with my written journal - where I am going to allow different parts of myself to write. I had some helpful feedback from some people in the forum about how they use their journals, and one of my parts decided she wanted to write in the middle, on a 'random page' - so she did.
Interesting that later, another part kept putting the thought in my mind that she wanted to go and 'gauge out' the pages of the book - which was quite a destructive image, and I didn't go with that suggestion, as I want my book to remain intact. But I do think there are parts that have quite a bit of stuff they want to express, and have been putting images of things in my head recently suggesting that they'd like to express things. I can't write the content of those things - but they are not very nice. I'm not sure how to deal with that. But I wanted to write it here, so I remember it.
Can't think of anything else I want to write here today, but glad to have written something.
Hope
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