Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - survivor302000

Pages: [1]
Hi All-

I have been working from home since the beginning of March.  I live alone and have always struggled with connections and relationships.  About 2 years ago, I learned about CPTSD which describes me EXACTLY! I was so relieved to know what was wrong with me and that I am not a bad person or crazy for having these problems.  In my struggle to get out of isolation, I have found solace in 12 step groups, going out periodically for one on one's with friends and some church events.  This my ONLY contact with others. I have done some online meetings but haven't found it to be as helpful. 

As a kid, I had a narc mom.  My dad was the adult child of a narc mom and basically married his mother.  So there is serious mental health problems running through both sides of my family.  I was on the receiving end of lots of emotional abuse/neglect and enmeshment.  I have difficulties being close to others because in my mind, closeness involves having someone swallow you whole emotionally.  As a kid I usually felt stuck.  My mom wouldn't permit me to become anything other than something she could have ultimate control over.  I was completely unengaged mentally in school.  I have been disassociating for most of my life.  Recently in describing my childhood to someone I said that my childhood had nothing to do with me.  It was all about her.  I just went into my head and waited for it to be over.  It was like being in prison.

Fast forward to coronavirus 2020.  Again I feel stuck and in prison.  The one goal I had was to work on getting out of my house and forming connections to other and that is on hold.  I feel like someone who is starving to death and I am not sure what to do.  I am having trouble seeing a path forward for me to continue making progress.  I am starting to get depressed.  It is very hard for me to keep going without any support.  It's like my tank is empty.   I have been watching some Richard Grannon videos and Crappy Childhood fairy videos on youtube and have found those helpful.  However, it is hard to stay grounded and I am regularly going in and out of dissociation.  I was wondering if any one else is having these issues since the virus started, or is it just me?

Thanks for letting me vent.

General Discussion / CPTSD meetup near Baltimore
« on: January 23, 2019, 04:00:34 AM »
Hi Everyone-

I am starting a C-PTSD meetup near Baltimore.  We are going to have a book discussion monthly on Pete Walkers book, CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving.  If you live in the area, you are welcome to join us.  First meeting is this Saturday Jan 26th at 11:15am at the Howard County Library 10375 Little Patuxent Parkway Columbia MD.  More details can be found on the meetup website:
It is free of charge, but RSVPS are requesting because the room only holds 12 people.

Hope to see you there

General Discussion / family troubles
« on: January 01, 2018, 08:50:35 PM »
Hello all-

I am new to this website.  So glad you all are here!  A little bit about me, I am an adult child of a narcisisst/borderline mom.  My father passed more than 30 years ago, but when he was alive they fought ALL THE TIME.  Now that I am an adult I understand that he was reacting to the stress and strain of living with my mom.  There was a constant battle for control between the two of them. I never felt safe at home.  This was back in the 70's and my mom's family and just about everyone else knew that there was something wrong with her but nobody knew what.  Her family was always trying to figure out how to fix/help her.  Everyone was always so fixated on her and her drama and control than no one gave any thought to the actual children in her home (me and my sister).   There was emotional and sexual abuse.  As an adult I am now a workaholic/codependent/compulsive overeater.  As a kid I was isolated with her alot.  I skipped over stages of childhood development.  She would force us to wear her homemade clothes.  While other kids were wearing jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts, we were dressed like "Holly Hobbie dolls".  This lead to a shame, humiliation, and social ostracism.  It was almost like she was intentionally sabotaging me so that I would never leave.  She would never buy fruits and vegetables.  She was more involved in my school than I was.  She would volunteer with my band to get attention.  Meanwhile I was totally miserable.

I don't think she actually needed human children.  American girl dolls would have sufficed or even a puppy would have sufficed.  She needed something she could have ultimate control over.  I was just there to take care of her and to live her unlived life. As an adult I continue to struggle with anxiety, fear of people, and social isolation.  I often spend birthdays and Christmases alone.  I have a sister, but she is in denial about everything she went through an won't seek help.  As a result I often find her behavior in adulthood becoming similar to my mom's.  I go to CODA and sometimes ACA.  I don't really have any emotional support from anyone as there are several narcissists in my family and my long term "friend" from childhood I am starting to understand also has some narcissistic traits and probably could benefit from some recovery as well.

My sister and her family are the closest thing I have to a family, even though they are narcissistic.  We often spend Christmas together and exchange gifts.  They went out of town this year and I was ok with that.  I asked if we could exchange gifts this weekend.  I didn't really expect anything like a meal or anything, just want to swap gifts and be done with Christmas.  We were supposed to get together today and they cancelled on me.  This isn't the first time they have blown me off at Christmas.  I woke up trying to brace for being blown off and that is exactly what happened.  They said they were sick but I don't believe them.  It's really hard when you have no family to spend Christmas with and no one wants to exchange gifts.   She said her husband would stop by after work tomorrow and drop mine off.  This is not really any fun.  I think I am going to put their gifts to me in the closet and not open them.

I have to understand that this is a reflection on them and not on me but it is still hard.  Trying to get healthy behavior from them is like trying to get blood from a stone.   This is triggering alot of the loss and rejection from my childhood so it is a little hard to deal with. 

My big goal for 2018 is to find healthy friends, so that I will be less disturbed by my family.

When I get upset I rarely vent to anyone, but instead just hold it inside.  Posting like this is new behavior me. 

Anyhow, thank you for letting me share.


Pages: [1]