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Messages - Libby183

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1
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: May 09, 2019, 07:09:30 AM »
So pleased that you are back home, having found your in patient stay to be a positive experience.

Libby.

2
General Discussion / Re: Talking to others with childlike humor
« on: March 26, 2019, 08:41:48 AM »
I am just the same, Patticake!

Since deciding to divorce me, my husband has said that he found me embarrassing because of this. I was very upset, but when I talked about it to the people who have been supporting me, both professionals and friends, they have said that they don't see this as something to be ashamed of. It has been quite a revelation.

I think my recent traumas have led me to calm down a little, much like you talk about. So my feeling is that you are finding a happy medium, and that most people will respond very positively to you.

Lovely to meet you here for the first time.

Libby

3
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: March 26, 2019, 08:27:11 AM »
Hoping very much that things are continuing to improve for you. So pleased that you got things sorted with the police. That must have been scary.

I relate completely to your need for sleep. I was only getting about two hours sleep, night after night since this all happened. I begged the GP for medication to no avail. I have never found anti-depressants to be of much use, but I was prescribed quetiapine in hospital and find that I sleep for about seven hours, and it stabilises my mood somewhat. Not suggesting that this is necessarily for you, but I am surprised how much it has helped me.

So pleased to hear that you feel you are through the worst of it. I think I am as well. Hoping we can both stay strong, and that things continue to get better.

Take care.

Libby

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: March 25, 2019, 08:29:17 AM »
Dear Wattlebird, I have been finding it hard to post here since my own divorce trauma started, but I really wanted to say how much I feel for you and understand how traumatic this whole process is. Like you, I was so floored by the whole thing that I spent a bit over two weeks in a mental health unit. I had to go back to the family home afterwards, and my stbxH never asked how I was. In the middle of all the trauma, I broke my arm, and neither my husband nor sons would take me to the hospital, or help me. My sons ceased any relationship with me as soon as he announced the divorce, and my relationship with my daughter is very strained.

I don't want to go on about my problems but I wanted to tell you how much I relate, and feel for you. I guess that the next trauma to be dealt with, will be him finding someone else. It was him who wanted a divorce so I think that is inevitable.

I am so sorry to hear what a terrible time you are having. I can't really offer many positive words. It is such a horrid situation, but I wanted to give you my love and support.

Take care.

Libby.

5
Oh, Eyesofblue. I am so sorry about the awful situation you describe. I haven't posted for a long time but wanted to say that I feel for you and support you.

As you know, my marriage has ended in an absolute nightmare. And like you, the children have got involved. Basically, there is no family anymore, and I am starting to deal with the prospect of life on my own.

Any time you want to talk, I am here for you. I know how hard it is, to feel so worthless and defeated, when you have given so much.

Take care.

Libby

6
Therapy / Re: Back in therapy, canít stop crying.
« on: February 06, 2019, 08:38:17 AM »
Hi, again, Eyessoblue.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time atm.

I have never been able to cry, but for the last couple of weeks, that's about all I have done. I think you are probably right on both counts. General grief and grief for the inner child, who has suffered so much and for so long.

I think I know exactly what you (and your therapist) mean about letting go of the PTSD, and about how scary it is. The end of my marriage has put me in a similar position. Part of me knows that, in theory, I could move on now, but do I want to? I don't know because it feels so strange and frightening. I don't have a therapist but people I know are telling me that it's my time etc. All the things that your therapist is telling you.

I don't have answers but I think I am in a very similar frame of mind. I hope that this is an important stage in the process of healing, for both of us, and that things get better.

Love to you, Eyessoblue, and keep going forward.

Libby.

7
General Discussion / Re: Ups and downs.
« on: January 31, 2019, 03:33:57 PM »
Thanks for the virtual hug, SharpAndBlunt.  Very much appreciated.

I am making a bit of progress, in that, I am staying with my daughter and I have been spending my days killing time in the
city where she lives. I would not have done this in the past as I would have been too anxious and would have thought I should have been doing something useful at home. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Sadly, I will have to go home at the weekend. I'll be thrilled to see my dog but terrified to see husband and sons. The shame is so deep. For me, the inner critic is the worst part of CPTSD.

Take care.

Libby.

8
General Discussion / Re: Ups and downs.
« on: January 31, 2019, 09:37:28 AM »
Thanks Hope. This is going to be one of the most major challenges of my life. Starting it with a broken wrist was not a great idea!

Hoping things are going well for you.

Libby

9
General Discussion / Re: Ups and downs.
« on: January 30, 2019, 07:17:30 PM »
Thanks, Lily. I shall try to remind myself that bad things don't last forever. Am feeling a bit better atm.

10
That big virtual hug is truly appreciated. I am staying with my daughter, and she is helping me, when she isn't at work.  I have left my dog with my stbxH and sons. Didn't have a choice but am missing her so much.

It's so hard to stay positive but these positive interactions really do help.

Take care.

11
Hi Sharpandblunt.

I understand everything you say. I often seem to find myself in situations like these. A few months ago, my dog was attacked by another dog, but we were blamed. It was very traumatic and triggering. I am sure you are right to link it back to childhood, where we were always to blame. It must be why we find it so hard to get over things.

I know it is easier said than done, but I can't see that you did anything wrong at all. I don't know, but I suspect most people can get over these threat situations quickly. But I feel for you and understand.

I don't think you behaved wrongly in any way and I hope you can look after yourself. I avoid social media (except for here). It seems as if it is difficult to navigate without emotion.

Take care of yourself.

Libby.

12
General Discussion / Re: Ups and downs.
« on: January 29, 2019, 12:25:57 PM »
Thanks Blueberry.

It's the struggle with the shame, guilt and self-loathing that I am finding so difficult. I am taking all of the blame and torturing myself with how I should have been. The problem is that I was brought up to be this way. I feel so confused.

Thank you so much for responding.

Libby.

13
General Discussion / Ups and downs.
« on: January 28, 2019, 10:02:29 AM »
I would say that this has been the most awful month of my life. But then I remind myself that I have had many awful months so it probably just feels like that.

I have had to accept that my husband hasn't loved or cared for me for a long time. The root of this is clearly my cptsd, but his own issues must have played a part. I am trying not to take all of the blame, especially as all the things that stressed me, and pushed me over the edge, like having children and moving home, were things we did together. Is that reasonable, I wonder.

Actually, I am beginning to see how his disgust at me has been making me worse for a long time. I have to accept, as well, that there is no relationship to be saved between me and my autistic son. I have to tell myself that he just doesn't have it in him, and even though it isn't his fault, I cannot cope with the rejection.

On the other hand, I have found that I do  have some people who care and support me. They have stepped up, so to speak, because I have allowed myself to be vulnerable to them. I have been hugged more in the last few weeks, than in my entire childhood. Not difficult, as I was never hugged as a child.

To round everything off, I have broken my wrist and feel so vulnerable because every tiny thing is so difficult. Trying to tell myself that if I get through this, I can get through anything. Sometimes I believe it, mostly I don't. Perhaps the balance will shift.  It doesn't help that, atm, I just can't picture a future.

Anyway, just thought I would get this out of my system.

Thanks for listening.

Libby.

14
Letters of Recovery / Re: To: Lady S (Eating Disorder support lady)
« on: January 28, 2019, 09:38:19 AM »
You are not awful and disgusting. That is absolutely not true.

I don't know, but it sounds as if your therapist is just looking at your eating disorder in isolation. I think that I have always been fearful of food, but it is a just a part of a much bigger picture. Is your therapist aware of this bigger picture?

I really feel for you. It's so hard for us to trust and it feels like your therapist needs to understand a bit more about cptsd and to work at gaining your trust.

I'm rooting for you.

Libby.

15
Letters of Recovery / Re: A Letter to my Younger Self
« on: January 28, 2019, 09:28:05 AM »
I don't really know what to say other than this is a really powerful letter. I related very strongly to absolutely everything you said, especially as I had just read your introductory post.

I wasn't sexually abused, just physically and emotionally abused. I suspect it started from the day of my birth. My hatred of myself is so deep and I am only just beginning to realise this.

I suppose that the question is, where do people go when they reach this point. I am basically alone now so perhaps I will start caring for myself.

All the best on your journey. I think that the bravery in your letter, and the honesty may be a good place to start.

Libby.

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