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Messages - bee

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1
Friends / Re: Help please !
« on: November 17, 2016, 07:08:12 PM »
Boatsetsailrose, I have this problem too.

At this point my husband is my only close friend. If you count relatives, then my two siblings as well, but as I continue healing, and they don't, the relationship is less close.

I struggle with trusting anyone, so I most likely give off big "go away" signals.

Something I've wondered about. People with cluster b PDs often lure their victims with charm. The beginning of the relationship is all about making the victim feel needed and wanted, pouring out good feelings on the victim. Having experienced this charm from people with cluster b PDs, I wonder how much that affects how I view more normal relationships. Do I subconsciously expect a friendship to be like that? I know it is not healthy or sustainable, but honestly? normal relationships are so calm in comparison that it is hard to tell if the person likes me.

This is an analogy. I was raised under huge bright floodlights. Now those are turned off, and everything in comparison is dark. And as a result of how I was raised my vision is impaired. So everyone around me can see fine, and can't fathom what my problem is. I've tried to navigate the world, but kept hurting myself by running into things, stepping on things, falling off things, ect. Now I pretty much stand still, or move very very slowly. If you translate light levels to emotional interaction levels in this analogy this is what my world feels like.

Sorry Boatsetsailrose, this doesn't answer how to fix the problem. I wish I knew.

2
General Discussion / Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« on: November 16, 2016, 04:17:26 PM »
I relate to this as well Quietone. I have social anxiety and have been told in the past that I come off as a snob. Don't know if that is still the case, but the comments have stuck with me. I don't feel like I "fit" anywhere. My mother also told me I was unlikable.

I'm so sorry your mom said and did such awful things to you. She is wrong.

On my good days I think of it this way. Some people have physical disabilities that make it difficult for them to perform certain tasks. Maybe they were born that way, maybe they got injured. They have to work extra hard to find ways to compensate. I would never view someone as less than because of this. I have a mental disability that makes it difficult for me to interact with people. I probably wasn't born this way, but was definitely injured by my ubpd/npd/aspd mother. I have to work extra hard to find ways to compensate. It sucks, but it doesn't make me less of a person.

This is one of the things I have done to compensate.
Several years ago I picked a group to attend who I shared an interest with. I used the logic part of my brain to watch them, and made sure their actions were kind. Then I attended even though I always felt weird and unsure. Sitting in the meetings would sometimes be torture, as I felt like everyone was judging me. I continued using the logic part of my brain to look at their words and actions objectively to see if I was being treated as less than or weird. It is my way of gathering evidence that i am ok, that others do not hate me just because. Their actions were consistently kind and inclusive. I am now finally having moments when I don't feel totally out of place. I never told the group how I felt, I just did my best to fake it. The evidence I am gathering shows that people are not nearly as harsh, and mean spirited as my mother said they were.










3
Checking Out / Re: Checking In
« on: November 10, 2016, 04:37:50 PM »
Thank you for the warm welcome.
Bee

4
Checking Out / Checking In
« on: November 08, 2016, 05:01:18 PM »
I'm going to try participating a bit again.
I've been on and off lurking since I posted last over a year ago,
I get so much from reading posts, thank you all.
bee

5
General Discussion / Re: Meditation
« on: November 08, 2016, 04:53:12 PM »
Want to chime in here, because my experience is different.

For the longest time I thought I was meditating wrong. Whenever I tried I would end up going to a very dark place. Very unpleasant. I finally figured out that how I was meditating was triggering an EF.

The reason. When my abusive mom raged at me I was expected to keep still and not react. So when I kept still while meditating, the physical stillness set off an EF.

Now when I want to meditate I make sure that it is while I am moving in some way.

6
Step 21 / Re: Steps Review and Summary
« on: July 21, 2015, 03:39:04 AM »
I think I am working through stage two and moving into stage three. Didn't participate much lately, because I'm just not there yet, but it was good to follow along.
I have gotten a lot out of this. It has helped me to see where I am at, and what I need to work on. I really appreciate every one's time here. Seeing things from different perspectives can make what was murky, be perfectly clear.

7
I too have memory gaps. Since I have recent gaps as well as old ones I can see a pattern. The more stressed/anxious I am the less I remember. I find it disturbing to not be able to remember. It sort of feels like I'm not really here, which I guess is kinda true. I make jokes about having a swiss cheese memory, to cover up that I feel broken. I have forgotten entire family vacations(even that I have been to certain places).

Years ago I tried making a timeline as Kizzie suggested. It was even harder than I thought it would be, and I didn't like seeing evidence of how much I don't remember. When I don't try to pin down memories I can pretend that I remember more than I do.

It's hard to know what is normal though. How much does someone remember who doesn't have cPTSD?


8
VeryFoggy
I think it is wonderful that you found a solution that works for you. It is heartening to see that resolution is possible.

9
So, my understanding of forgiveness is that someone must want and ask for forgiveness before it can be given.  It is not possible to give someone something they have not asked for, and do not want.

I like this clarification VeryFoggy.
I really resent the implication that is often made. The one that says that you are a bad person if you can not forgive. But the catch 22 is you can't forgive until you are asked to. I will never be able to forgive my M, because she will never be able to ask for it.

But, I am forgiving myself. In retrospect I can see that most of my EMDR work is about forgiving myself. Letting go of my guilt that I should have done or said something different. Accepting that I was powerless at the time. I think that forgiving myself is the important part.

10
Other / Re: Psoriasis and Cptsd
« on: June 26, 2015, 05:39:55 AM »
I think the medical profession has a long way to go in order to adhere to their oath of 'first do no harm'. I had a traumatic medical experience when I was three, that I think contributed to my Cptsd. I think such things are way too common, and too often overlooked. I'm sorry that you experienced this.

11
I'm not sure that I can accomplish this.

Confronting a NPD/BPD/ASPD person would be suicidal. Even a letter would provide too much information that she would use against me. So I "choose" NC.

What would be acceptable to me is to make the whole world see what she did, who she is. To show them the horrible vile evil monster. But, I know that the world would turn a blind eye. It is not possible to make people see what they do not want to see. I want to live in a world that would put a person who has done what she has, in jail (preferably with no human contact) for life. That would be an acceptable resolution.

I'm not sure I will get to a point when I don't feel angry that she got away with it.

12
VeryFoggy,
I'm sorry you are experiencing another loss.

You are right to be proud of yourself. Proud that you know to take care of yourself, that you prepared a safe place, and that you took the time to actually care for you.

:hug:

You are an amazing person.
Sending you thoughts of peace and calm.

13
I understand about feeling like there is an electrical charge when around people.

This is a perfectly normal response to being traumatized. According to Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges) trauma can change the way we operate. We switch to either fight/flight or freeze response. This switch happens with small stressors, and people then switch back(self-regulation). But, sometimes self-regulation was not learned as an infant, or there is too much accumulated trauma and we need extra help to get back to normal. In either flight/fight or freeze states we are no longer able to accurately read social cues. The social interaction parts of our brain are shut down in favor of parts that scan for threat detection. This makes social situation stressful.

Recent poking around on the internet has led me to abdominal breathing. There are several recent studies that show abdominal breathing stimulates the vagus nerve. This is because the vagus nerve passes through the diaphragm. Stimulating the vagus nerve can increase vagal tone, which reduces anxiety, inflammation and pain. In other words it is a way to calm anxiety(self-regulate).

I gave a super short explanation here,  but if you're interested look up Stephen Porges Polyvagal theory.
Then look up abdominal breathing and the vagus nerve.
Then you can see if it's worth trying for you.

The study results seem to indicate that the breathing alone can have results, meditation is a bonus, but not required. This is important to me, because making myself sit still (as most meditation requires) is a trigger for me.

If you think about breathing it ties to lots of things that are said to help - yoga, meditation, exercise...


14
Step 17 / Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« on: June 24, 2015, 04:18:00 AM »
Very Foggy it's great to hear that you did what was right for you. What a brave and strong thing for you to do. Wonderful to hear that your son understands. Your response to others in your FOO shows your kindness and compassion. So wonderful to see such amazing progress.

15
Spryte,
I do this too. Negative emotions in others can send me into an EF. I even had a tendency to try to manage my H in order to prevent him from having any negative emotions. I realize now that everyone is entitled to feel angry/sad/ anxious whatever. I still react to negative emotions. It is my Inner Child sounding a red alert. In her experience negative emotion were always directed at her. I need to prove to her, that bad things will not happen.

Now when I realize I am getting upset, because I sense a negative emotion, I ask for clarification. Even if I know that H is not angry at me; I'm not sure he has ever been angry with me; I ask him calmly, "Are you angry at me." He says no, I am angry that x is not working." This verbal proof helps to calm me down. H and I have discussed why I need to ask this, and he understands it has nothing to do with him. Maybe you can figure out what proof you need to help you calm your IC. It sounds like boyfriend would be willing to work with you on providing verbal proof that you are safe.

It's good that you realized that it is not your job to make fix it. Probably you had to calm the PD's in your life, and so you were taught that this was your job. It's not. You can help if you want, but it should not be a requirement. It doesn't sound like it is, just a reminder of what you probably already know.

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