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Messages - Cyd

#1
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Feel so out of control
November 23, 2018, 12:04:32 AM
So, this feels so much to try and get out. But I don't know where else to go. I'm signed off work at the moment, it feels like I've had a complete meltdown.
I decided, and followed through with totally cutting off my FOO. Which is totally the right decision, but that scared little child inside of me can't believe that and cannot cope with this.
I've started antidepressants again, I'm trying to do everything I can to sort it out. But the whole time I feel so anxious on edge, I've spent most of today crying. And I can't believe the people who say I can 'call them anytime' really mean it...I know that's a symptom, but it's a strong one.
I feel so scared, trapped and alone.
I want to go back to work, but I don't know if I'm ready and work aren't being supportive.
My therapist thinks it'll take 3 months or so for this to settle and wants me to avoid stress...how does that happen in real life? Especially when emotional control is one of the things messed up.
I've taught myself to crochet, I'm doing tai chi every day, trying to see friends and keep busy...and at the end of it, it all means nothing, I still hurt just as badly.
I hate this so so much. I'm sorry.
#2
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Struggling *Trigger*
July 05, 2018, 09:31:57 PM
*Possible Trigger*

Posting here because I don't feel I can talk to my family and friends...I'm already worried I've scared one friend away with being too open, and I feel my wife will be disappointed in me.
Last night and tonight I self harmed for the first time in a decade.

Since realising I have cptsd and starting therapy it's like opening a can of worms. I feel so anxious and out of control.

I've been having mild anxiety attacks, only sleeping about 5hrs a night and living in a general state of panic.

I've been trying to meditate a bit and tried to look after myself....but that feels too much at the moment.

So I harmed and for the first time in  weeks I felt calm for a bit...more in control.

I know it's not healthy, and I'm having to hide my leg from my wife...but it's felt like a small bit of respite.

... I was thinking just now, I did this as a teenager as a coping mechanism for what was happening then....that state of panic is what I was feeling then....this is the past feelings isn't it.

Writing this has helped get it out a bit. I didn't even recognise that this is still largely past feelings. How do you do this when the feelings feel so present...they feel like they're attached to work and other stresses, but I'm reacting like teenage me.

I feel so lost.
#3
Hi Blueberry,

Thank you for sharing that. I resonate with what you're saying, and I actually had tears in my eyes reading.

That idea of projecting onto your pets, and your realisation was so powerful. The failure of FOO is palpable.

I hope you get the opportunity to have the joy of more furries in your life.

Cyd
#4
Therapy / Re: Interesting session
April 30, 2018, 07:58:51 PM
Thank you for your replies. I know Blueberry, it is so soon. But there's something about finally understanding my life in the context of cptsd that is helping. I know it's going to be awful, and it has been like a rollercoaster, but now I feel I can help myself through understanding. Before I just tried ways to manage things without ever understanding.

But give it a minute and I'll probably be completely lethargic, having a panic attack or crying for no apparent reason.

Totally sanmagic7 it's just all over the place. And things seem more triggering now I'm starting to explore this...i guess my previous approach of ignoring won't work.

I'm really lucky with my t, I work in a healthcare setting and a colleague I trust recommended them for their experience with trauma.

I spoke to my sister yesterday and she was okay with my decision about my parents. So I am now estranged from them...so many emotions around that!
#5
Therapy / Interesting session
April 29, 2018, 06:52:00 AM
So yesterday I had my third session with my therapist. It was an incredibly intense session.

An exercise we did brought me right into the feelings of child me, she noted how my body language changed and I just felt so small with this intense weight on my chest.

It was so difficult, but felt positive in a way. I trust her and that she knows how to help me with this. It also felt validating, and made me realise how badly the child inside is still hurting.

Afterwards I went to a friends, I didn't want to go straight home. I felt so weird, difficult to describe. It took most of yesterday to shake off the feeling of being that small child.

I think there's something freeing in the session validating how much the trauma hurt me...but also the feeling that something could be done.

Today I'm seeing my sister, I plan to tell her that I've cut contact with our parents (temporarily at the moment).

Does anyone else find this thing is so up and down? Monday I messed my diary up, Wednesday I had a panic attack and then I couldn't sleep for two nights.
#6
General Discussion / Cutting them out
April 11, 2018, 10:40:16 PM
So today I told my parents(I want to call them something else, saying that makes me so uncomfortable) that I need to not have any contact with them at the moment.

I didn't quite want to do it now, but M as usual forced my hand.

They were due to stay in a few weeks. Not to visit, just as we're a convenient stop on their way to somewhere else(2nd time they've done this, and they never visit to just visit).

I've been so angry with them since realising I have cptsd. My emotions are all over the place. So my wife was not sure it was a good idea they stayed (me either). I told them this today and the conversation got forced round to what's going on.

And now I don't have to have any contact with them for at least a few months. Honestly right now I want to cut them out of my life completely.

I feel a sense of relief, combined with gut wrenching fear and shame from the child inside who is still scared and obtusely loyal.
#7
Therapy / Re: Trying to find a therapist
March 13, 2018, 09:19:59 AM
Thank you, I'll take a look. It just made me feel quite panicked to be struggling so much to find someone. As if I'd made a decision to do something about this, and then there's another barrier.
#8
Therapy / Trying to find a therapist
March 12, 2018, 10:34:00 PM
Has anyone else struggled to find a therapist trained in trauma work?
Two I've found don't have any availability.

I've resorted to asking a friend who's a counsellor to help me look for one. Feel like I'm spinning out a bit and I can't start this first step...
#9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New to CPTSD
March 10, 2018, 09:06:06 PM
Thank you all for the warm welcome ☺
Yes, Pete's book is really interesting and so glad to find this forum.
#10
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: In-laws
March 10, 2018, 09:03:05 PM
We've been together 5, married just under 3. My spouse is really helpful, but at times she can struggle to truly understand the ridiculous mess in my head.

I suppose with my parents the visits are perfunctory and short. They value job and educational achievements, I know how to respond to them (fawning that I know I need to look at). But my in-laws value very different things, I feel embarrassed and ashamed, that I'm not what they want for their daughter....which is not real, but what I think.

Yes, my In-laws hate my parents, they have met twice and probably never will again. My mother-in-law said she was amazed I and my sister were so normal after meeting them (which is not a compliment I can believe).

They'll ask after my family out of politeness, but have no interest in my parents.

It'll be interesting to see how it goes tomorrow now I've recognised it's a trigger...will it help or make me vigilant?

I still get atilla (My name for m) a mother's day card...insanely hard to find one that just says happy mothers day and nothing else. I would love to cut contact, but at this point I'm not in that place yet.
#11
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / In-laws
March 10, 2018, 05:23:08 PM
Hi,

So coming to terms with cptsd has made me look at the relationships around me. One in particular I struggle with is my relationship with my In-laws.

I worry profoundly what they think of me, I struggle to relax with them or relate with them.

How do I have a relationship with them when I don't know how that relationship should feel. My in-laws are good people, they are good parents.

But realising I have cptsd has made me see how that colours my relationship with them. I'm always on edge and waiting to go home or for them to leave.

I'm also always convinced that they like my brother-in-law more than me, and that I'm not enough, not good enough. This is definitely a cptsd thought.

We're visiting them tomorrow for mothers day (UK) and that day is enough trigger on its own without adding in a pseudo-parental relationship.

I kind of just wanted to voice this, any thoughts of tips greatly received.

Thanks
#12
Please Introduce Yourself Here / New to CPTSD
March 10, 2018, 04:07:59 PM
Hi,
So for a long time I've known that I've struggled with the after effects of my abusive upbringing.
But it's only the last few weeks I have learnt of cptsd.
And it's been a lightbulb moment, reading about it and realising that's me...thats what happened. That's how I feel now.
I'm still so new to this, at 31 I feel like I've finally found something to help me understand myself and my life better.
I've bought Pete Walkers book and have found a counsellor in my area (not plucked up the courage to contact yet).
And in my search I found this forum, thank you for being here.
So hi everyone  :wave: