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Messages - Debora

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1
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Hospital
« on: September 18, 2018, 03:58:03 PM »
Thanks all. I am so alone. I tried an online chat with a hotline here tonight and the counsellor said he couldn't say if it was or wasn't my fault that my dad hit me. I then had a disturbing email conversation with a person at TELL therapist abuse where she was judgemental and refused to apologise.  I feel so terrified and alone. There's no one on my side or who I feel safe talking to and who loves me and who I can trust. My life has been wasted and it's half over. The only reason i have to be here is my cat and he is 12yrs. I can hear the blood pounding in my head and Im scared of having a stroke and being stuck alone in am old persons home or having my parents given decision making power over me. I need more support.  I can't think straight. I go round in cires on the smallest things and my brain is like jelly. I need another person to help me think in a straight line and follow through with a plan. Does anyone relate. I'm scared

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Hospital
« on: September 17, 2018, 07:54:33 PM »
Looking at going I to hospital. Scared. Can't sleep it's 5:50am here.
No one close to me for support or advocacy and protection while I'd be an inpatient and those places are unsafe and harmful. I thought my life would be something special. Ha! How deluded and arrogant. Now I think I will die or end up a drooling mental patient alone and at the merCy of an unsafe abusive system. I understand why people end their own lives.

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General Discussion / Re: Can't find help
« on: September 12, 2018, 12:35:39 PM »
I'm about 4hrs out of Sydney and am willing to go there for treatment. I'd love any info you have.

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General Discussion / Re: Can't find help
« on: September 12, 2018, 02:37:13 AM »
Is there anyone else here in Australia who has found good help? Would you share that information?

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General Discussion / Re: Abandoned by psychologist
« on: September 12, 2018, 02:35:25 AM »
Hi Kizzie, I am trying both new therapists and volunteer work so not sure why you think i wont do those things. haven't tried Befrienders yet I don't think we have them in Australia.

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General Discussion / Abandoned by psychologist
« on: September 11, 2018, 04:18:33 PM »
I need my old psychologist back. I yearn for her....or my inner child does. She was my primary attachment figure the closest to a safe loving moyher that i never had and have deeply yearned for my whole life and though she has deeply traumatised me, I need her! It's like a terrifies child needing their mum and her abandoning them. My inner child is rocking in intense distress and just calling for her. It's so painful!! The adult part of me can see what the psychologist did was harmful and can see its not black and white but my little child doesn't understand and I just need her back. I'm stuck in a horrible terrifying place of abandonment and there's no relief. No other safe person to go to. I feel worthless.

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General Discussion / Can't find help
« on: September 11, 2018, 04:08:51 PM »
I am feeling so frustrated and angry that I can't find help! I'm sick of being told to read a book. I need a really good trauma therapist. I need a good facilitated support group and I'm so so sick of looking for and asking for help and being let down. There is NOTHJNG here. Not even a general grief support group! I am SO alone. I don't even have an emergency contact or next of kin. I'm heartbroken and feel very worthless. Why can't I effing find help!!?? I really hate the human race sometimes.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Too much pain
« on: September 09, 2018, 04:07:07 PM »
I worry that I'll be rejected and judged and people will be mean to me if I volunteer because I'm so down and miserable and introverted right now

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Too much pain
« on: August 24, 2018, 01:50:12 PM »
Being around dogs lifted my mood. On days like this I really struggle to actively help myself. I have a battle happening in my mind....a small part of me wants to help myself and therenis another part that wants to hurt myself....not actively but this part hopes for the worst to happen....wants it to be over and wants me to suffer...like I deserve it. I feel confused and that I am a hypocrite during those times I try doing something to help myself. Can anyone relate?
I yearn for my therapist back even though she deeply traumatised me at the end.
I am sick with a virus and feel awful. Fever, painful cough, blocked ears, swollen glands...stuffed but runny nose. I'm scared more because of that. I feel SO alone. The only time I'm not in mental pain is when I'm asleep.

10
I'm reating flashback management on page 146. Step 4....speak reassuringly to your inner child. What if I don't know how to be there for my inner child or aren't good enough at it? I have no good parenting to go off of and I feel scared about betraying and abandoning myself cos I don't know HOW to be there for my inner child.

11
Successes, Progress? / I feel proud of myself
« on: August 23, 2018, 01:35:04 PM »
I feel proud of myself....it's a small glimmer of hope, a small win. I was feeling awful and I did some mindfulness meditation. I had stopped doing it because it was an audio track in my old psychologists voice and she has deeply traumatised me so I couldn't listen to her voice. I have begun to try and re-remember the exercise in my own voice and I did it and I feel so much better briefly! I need help to remember to do it again. I'm scared I will think myself out of it, or avoid doing it......does anyone else have that problem?  I am also proud because I am sick with a virus and really mentally scared cos I'm alone but I texted my neighbour and asked her if I could have a whinge over text and she said yes. I gave myself permission to complain about how sick I felt. I needed that and I did a good thing for myself and felt relieved at having a safe space to get it out!

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General Discussion / Re: Got a bug
« on: August 23, 2018, 06:07:39 AM »
Thanks Elphanigh,

My neighbour checked in on my and bought me some packets of soup and she's going to pick me up freshop soup from the shops. Just that helped me feel a little more relaxed, less scared and less alone.

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General Discussion / Got a bug
« on: August 22, 2018, 03:56:38 PM »
Hi all,

I've am fighting a sinus and ear infection. I don't taste or smell anything and my right ear is totally blocked. My left is slowly getting there. I can't breathe through my nose if I lay down. I feel scared when I am sick and on my own. I think it's odd because I used to work as a registered nurse in intensive care managing ventilated and critically I'll people but when I have a head cold I feel scared. I don't want to be alone. I need the comfort of family....if I had a safe one. Is it just me or do others feel scared and want others around when they feel sick?

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Too much pain
« on: August 14, 2018, 09:56:43 AM »
Thanks guyd.  I dread being alone....with my thoughts eating me alive. I need company.....where I can just be and not have pressure. How do I get that?  I dread having nothing to do each day but I don't feel up to working or doing serious study. Help please! I'm in deep water and I'm waving my arm for help!

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Too much pain
« on: August 12, 2018, 03:04:05 PM »
I am really struggling. Every moment in my head is awful. I don't think I can survive this. I'm in so much pain and soooo alone. There's no one to catch me.....it's constant and has been for so long. The one person I trusted has hurt me and left me alone. I'm really scared. Sleep is the only escape I have from the constant mental pain.

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