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Messages - GonzoMom27

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I wake up every morning knowing I can handle the terrors that live inside my head. I survive each day knowing the truth. Despite my minds determination to make them feel like more than a memories Iím fully aware thats all they are. However, Iím also aware my mind no longer belongs to me. It belongs to all of them. This is the part I think Tís donít understand; they haunt me. I see them everywhere. Even though I know theyíre not there and the memories are just memories I canít break free of their faces ( even though it been over 5 years since Iíve seen any of them.)
The thing that keeps me up nights is all three of them started as friends, best friends. It wasnít family I couldnít help seeing. They werenít violent strangers. All three of them were welcomed into my life by me. They came at different times in my life when I felt vulnerable. I made it so easy; The situations I put myself in, the things I told them, the way I trusted them completely.
I was 12 when he started threatening me to get me to preform unmentionable acts, he was 19. I was just happy to have someone to talk to. I was 14 and in a prom dress when I learned ďnoĒ doesnít mean anything. I was just happy to have been the youngest girl at prom. I was 15 when I learned people will do just about anything for bragging rights and a $50 bet. I was just happy to have a place to sleep off the drugs I shouldnít have tried.
But like I said, I know Iím going to make it through each day. I know Iím more than a victim. I know as horrible as these experiences were I wonít have to actually relive these things (excluding the FBís). I know enough to put my mind at ease but itís just not. Everywhere I go, every man I see is a reminder that you donít really know anyone, until you do (if that makes sense.) For that reason I have this crushing anxiety that keeps me from leaving my house most days. When my daughter was an infant this wasnít an issue. Sheíll be three soon and Iím running out of excuses to avoid taking her in public. Ive discussed this with many Tís and gotten plenty of suggestions and tools that help take the edge of. Still, More often than not i find myself at home making up excuses to friend and family. Iím scared everyday. I donít want to just ďmake it throughĒ my days anymore.
I apologize for the rant like writing style and the possible triggers. Iím just hoping to get some insight on my situation from someone who wasnít paid to hear my story.

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