I wake up every morning knowing I can handle the terrors that live inside my head. I survive each day knowing the truth. Despite my minds determination to make them feel like more than a memories I'm fully aware thats all they are. However, I'm also aware my mind no longer belongs to me. It belongs to all of them. This is the part I think T's don't understand; they haunt me. I see them everywhere. Even though I know they're not there and the memories are just memories I can't break free of their faces ( even though it been over 5 years since I've seen any of them.)
The thing that keeps me up nights is all three of them started as friends, best friends. It wasn't family I couldn't help seeing. They weren't violent strangers. All three of them were welcomed into my life by me. They came at different times in my life when I felt vulnerable. I made it so easy; The situations I put myself in, the things I told them, the way I trusted them completely.
I was 12 when he started threatening me to get me to preform unmentionable acts, he was 19. I was just happy to have someone to talk to. I was 14 and in a prom dress when I learned "no" doesn't mean anything. I was just happy to have been the youngest girl at prom. I was 15 when I learned people will do just about anything for bragging rights and a $50 bet. I was just happy to have a place to sleep off the drugs I shouldn't have tried.
But like I said, I know I'm going to make it through each day. I know I'm more than a victim. I know as horrible as these experiences were I won't have to actually relive these things (excluding the FB's). I know enough to put my mind at ease but it's just not. Everywhere I go, every man I see is a reminder that you don't really know anyone, until you do (if that makes sense.) For that reason I have this crushing anxiety that keeps me from leaving my house most days. When my daughter was an infant this wasn't an issue. She'll be three soon and I'm running out of excuses to avoid taking her in public. Ive discussed this with many T's and gotten plenty of suggestions and tools that help take the edge of. Still, More often than not i find myself at home making up excuses to friend and family. I'm scared everyday. I don't want to just "make it through" my days anymore.
I apologize for the rant like writing style and the possible triggers. I'm just hoping to get some insight on my situation from someone who wasn't paid to hear my story.
The thing that keeps me up nights is all three of them started as friends, best friends. It wasn't family I couldn't help seeing. They weren't violent strangers. All three of them were welcomed into my life by me. They came at different times in my life when I felt vulnerable. I made it so easy; The situations I put myself in, the things I told them, the way I trusted them completely.
I was 12 when he started threatening me to get me to preform unmentionable acts, he was 19. I was just happy to have someone to talk to. I was 14 and in a prom dress when I learned "no" doesn't mean anything. I was just happy to have been the youngest girl at prom. I was 15 when I learned people will do just about anything for bragging rights and a $50 bet. I was just happy to have a place to sleep off the drugs I shouldn't have tried.
But like I said, I know I'm going to make it through each day. I know I'm more than a victim. I know as horrible as these experiences were I won't have to actually relive these things (excluding the FB's). I know enough to put my mind at ease but it's just not. Everywhere I go, every man I see is a reminder that you don't really know anyone, until you do (if that makes sense.) For that reason I have this crushing anxiety that keeps me from leaving my house most days. When my daughter was an infant this wasn't an issue. She'll be three soon and I'm running out of excuses to avoid taking her in public. Ive discussed this with many T's and gotten plenty of suggestions and tools that help take the edge of. Still, More often than not i find myself at home making up excuses to friend and family. I'm scared everyday. I don't want to just "make it through" my days anymore.
I apologize for the rant like writing style and the possible triggers. I'm just hoping to get some insight on my situation from someone who wasn't paid to hear my story.