1

Music / Do you create play music to express the CPTSD?

« on: December 28, 2018, 01:59:55 AM »

Hello, 

I compose music, professional. Sometimes s my main job. And there's a constant battle here that can be translated in any other art form...

When I create music, I focus on angelic, peaceful, loving places. BUT sometimes I feel that I need to express the darkness. It's an inner battle. Jungian. The Shadow...

Does this indecision happen to you guys?
Which direction to go... A, B, or... both?

English is not my tongue language, I hope you can understand this.

Happy holidays,
Sunny

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Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: What was love like the 2nd time around?

« on: November 20, 2018, 12:46:32 AM »

Supportive, and I miss some very very good things... BUT, I've carried the trauma with me. So we end up as "friends", sometimes hurting each others even without knowing. Specially me AFAIK. SO, I need to be strong. Like the say, wait (and) work for a year and a half away from the couple and also, do therapy and do what you can (take it easy) because you may (I did) make someone you love partially unhappy because of our ghosts,

In my case the problem was still quite around... even today, So, we need to fix ourselves (with help). But the last time around (10 years!). It was lovely in many many regards, there's more than hope. And I look forward for the future to, eventually, enjoy a family again.

3

General Discussion / Re: "The power you give them."

« on: September 24, 2018, 03:04:03 AM »

There may be something to this statement that is true, but something seems off about it and I don't know what it is.

I've felt the exact same! It may be that we give power to them, granted. BUT we are trained to give them power and to change that requires: will, knowledge and time (like all normal habits).

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General Discussion / Vulnerable moments anyone?

« on: September 24, 2018, 02:33:27 AM »

I'm here, 3 and a half hours after the event, still trying to feel relaxed, sometimes it takes time.
I'm just worried that this is affecting my work, and therefore my escape from this hell-house I live in.

Today, after days of Roman peace, I've found out that telling the abusers "I'm in a bad mood/feeling asleep" after a narc gave me an order, is a dangerous situation for me.
 
A narcissist in my family said after my reply to the order and honest comment of being asleep: "I don't g a *****!"  and then, even when I was trying to calm the waters, a second narc joined and their drama began.
The attack was in stereo, as usual. And as you know, it was not a normal (even healthy) family fight, but a narc-sick one.

The most interesting part of the attack occurred in what I call an antilove-bombing, rivers of words of hate and threats (quite incoherent phrases I must say).

Conclusions...?

If you feel asleep and try to be "good" with them, that's a moment when they might attack you. Yes, they attack when you feel vulnerable, that's nothing new, but that's my reminder-lesson of the day.

We all have moments of vulnerability, and yes they might attack, and we might even fall (like I did) into the trap of "explaining" your good intentions.  -  But it's ok, I just need to refocus and move on. I'm doing that now, it takes time sometimes.

The positive aspect is that they show what they are really thinking and show who they really are once more, and that is always a good reminder.

I feel very tense and this is preventing me from doing my work normally tonight, that's worrying me a bit, to be honest.
Because if I can't focus I can't earn the money I need to escape once more.

  It's true when some experts say that it takes up to 7 tries in average to leave.

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Member Guidelines (PLEASE READ FIRST) / Re: super long posts

« on: September 22, 2018, 09:07:47 PM »

Guilty too lol. For sure we all do get a bit wordy from time to time and that's not a bad thing considering most of us kept silent for far too long.  When most every post fills the screen is when it gets a bit problematic because they can be hard to get through and discourage members from reading and responding. 

There is a lot we need to talk about because of what we've been through though so two suggestions are to break up longer posts into 2 or 3 smaller posts,  and/or start a journal and write out what you want to there (because length isn't an issue in journals).

Thank you Kizzie,

I was writing that out of the blue, even when I've read the guidelines, I don't know why. I was traveling and I think I was on the phone and just wanted to write something useful. Please ignore and disregard.
Sorry, I'm a newcomer...

Sunny

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General Discussion / Re: Another good moment In my life, another abuse (today)

« on: September 08, 2018, 07:51:31 PM »

You have no idea of how that little emoji made me feel. Neither did I expected such reaction in myself.
To the point that I'm suddenly crying from relief in a bus.

Because I'm not alone, and many of us are trying to survive too and understand.

I wish you the best.

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Member Guidelines (PLEASE READ FIRST) / Re: super long posts

« on: September 08, 2018, 03:47:33 PM »

Thank you Kizzie, I'm just trying to collaborate somehow because the Forum is great. Sometimes even when I try it's hard for me to visit before because of triggering effects.

Sorry if this is a double post or something like that, or if my English is not good enough.

Thanks for your patience to you and all the members I try to do my best.

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General Discussion / Another good moment In my life, another abuse (today)

« on: September 08, 2018, 03:17:50 PM »

Last year I ve found a job... Days after that in front of my 19 yo daughter, a huge insane drama crisis. I can't write well on this phone... But I'll try.

And this weekend history repeats.

It's just so hard to avoid replying when out of the blue on a special moment they abuse in everyway of you...
Grat rock is hard to achieve when you're stuck again in the house of the abusers, and one falls into their reply-me trap.

At least one thing it's clear, they make evident (even more) about their true thoughts once more...

I'm heading to my psychiatrist, my head hurts.

It's hard.

9

Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Re: A documentary about physical and mental abuse (and others of course)

« on: September 06, 2018, 05:33:49 PM »

To be honest, since you are asking for opinions, I would not watch what you have described.   

Well, good to know and I understand. By opinions, I mean people (professionals) that are not a narc and are informed. And opinions from people that's on the way to recovery just like me.
I mean, I have my POV, but everybody has a one... that's why I joined this forum and talk to other people. Remember that my goal, for now, is not ourselves... since it may be triggering, but for people who still don't get it. Especially professionals that aren't up to speed, but some are.

Like our other friend said, YouTube is plenty of EXCELLENT material, some of that made me realize that I'm recovering from CPTSD (didn't even knew the acronym).
But now I know... and that's good news.

I can tell you this, it will have a POV and some people may and will disagree with it. But my key points are simple: CPTSD is real, and both personal and public awareness is good.

Best,
Sunny

Oh, I've misunderstood. I was re-reading my original post, so I reply to your question.
You see, I was trying to talk about this petit project with someone of value, that's on my shoes more or less.
Can you elaborate, please?...   

In other words, Why you would be probably not interested in something like this film simply because I want to get some valuable feedback and/or comments and even critics. I don't really "need it" since I know my life. But I don't want to create an auto-biography. It isn't the purpose of this "informational"/awareness increasing film. I may be wrong in some things, so I approach it in a scientific peer-reviewed fashion you can say (it's a simple analogy), or maybe I don't know some colours of the whole spectrum of CPTSD: Yes, the basics are the same, worldwide. But there are subtle differences in POVs, I think dialogue is a good thing.
But may I be missing something (probably) or maybe I was not clear about something?

I'm truly curious.
I mean I know what I want to do, but there's a broad spectrum of kind of traumas.

Anyway, love to you Three Roses! 

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The Cafe / Re: Today I am grateful .... (Part 3)

« on: September 06, 2018, 05:14:12 PM »

That I've found the beginning of a solution time ago, and today I'm closer to it.

And also because the sky is blue and the sun is shining in a warm way.

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Questions/Suggestions/Comments/Shout Outs / Re: They certainly CAN monitor the content of what I write here...

« on: September 06, 2018, 05:12:02 PM »

Appreciate the offer Sunny but the Admins & ITs at our sister site Out of the FOG are in the process of working to switch the sites from http to https. I should add that anyone can see what we write here because we are public but we are all anonymous.  Plus, we advise members not to include personally identifying info in posts or use their real name so OOTS is safe. We are switching to https mainly because Google moves sites up in their search rankings if they are https.

Oh I've just read this. Thank you!!

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Member Guidelines (PLEASE READ FIRST) / Re: super long posts

« on: September 06, 2018, 05:10:41 PM »

All,

I respectfully request that if you have a long post see if you can break it up into two or three subjects (even part 1,2, and 3).  Also, please use paragraphs.  I really want to read every post and support everyone here.  I have a hard time concentrating and I find it difficult, if not impossible, to get through long posts.  I believe if you can break it up you will get more feedback.

Thank you,
Dee

I was afraid of that too, even for myself.
Since we all need to express, but at the same time a balance is needed I guess.

While this should not be a hard rule written in stone I propose (and I will try to follow it from now on since I want to reach out fellows, and read other stories): To keep a 5 lines (arbitrary number) summary, and a lengthy text as a seconds part. A simple scheme, not mandatory.

What do you think admins and members?

Sunny

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Member Guidelines (PLEASE READ FIRST) / Re: Current Volunteer Team Members (Updated 14 Oct 2017)

« on: September 06, 2018, 05:05:56 PM »

They are the team that keeps the forum going.  They help ensure guidelines are being used.  They moderated and provide administration so we can all use the forum and site.

I think I've sent a message about this, but I can help if you wish. I want to give something back, it's therapeutic and human.
Something as simple as using https or things like that. Since English is not my native language I can't be of much help to help you guys monitor the content, for now.

Count with me.
Sunny

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Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Re: A documentary about physical and mental abuse (and others of course)

« on: September 06, 2018, 05:01:48 PM »

To be honest, since you are asking for opinions, I would not watch what you have described.   

Well, good to know and I understand. By opinions, I mean people (professionals) that are not a narc and are informed. And opinions from people that's on the way to recovery just like me.
I mean, I have my POV, but everybody has a one... that's why I joined this forum and talk to other people. Remember that my goal, for now, is not ourselves... since it may be triggering, but for people who still don't get it. Especially professionals that aren't up to speed, but some are.

Like our other friend said, YouTube is plenty of EXCELLENT material, some of that made me realize that I'm recovering from CPTSD (didn't even knew the acronym).
But now I know... and that's good news.

I can tell you this, it will have a POV and some people may and will disagree with it. But my key points are simple: CPTSD is real, and both personal and public awareness is good.

Best,
Sunny

15

Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Re: A documentary about physical and mental abuse (and others of course)

« on: September 06, 2018, 04:55:12 PM »

I see you are buying a lot of books Sunny, I hope this means you were able to get the money to move. Anyway, I wanted to mention that there are lots of videos on YouTube about having Complex PTSD if you want to have a look.

Hello,

   Yes indeed, and asking professionals and survivors like us.

I've been watching many YT, Vimeo channels/Videos (Way often), assisting to live chats, reading a lot online (carefully with a critic mind), and I've been in therapy for about +10 years (psychological and psychiatric for the panic attacks) way back since in the early 2000's)... plus, well... my own life.

What I haven't seen on Youtube, Vimeo and mainstream media like Netflix is: a compelling, easy way to reach out"normal" people.
I want to explain to them what it is like to live in the aftermaths of this sempiternal hellish event, without repeating my stories over and over, and being triggered sometimes naturally... or at least being unable to resume it / make it short properly. And it's a bit... exhausting.
So this is driving me towards something with meaning. In a serious way.

You're right, I've bought From Surviving to Thriving, What's wrong with you Dad? and others... and it won't stop there.

Oh, I currently study music therapy as a second career/profession in the University, it includes tons of psychology from many schools of thought.
This motivates me quite a bit! since I've felt stuck for CPTSD-heavy related reasons from 2012... after being into my family narcissistic house again, imagine that... (I've thought it would be for 4 months and I'm still here, coming and going and still attempting). For many reasons but I guess you can imagine.

I've been also in cognitive recovery, in a free and open guided group (I've really studied many books there),
and I sometimes visit forums (actually only this one as it is way enough for me for now and the members are nice and the broad of topics is simply amazing).

So, yes, I'm doing my homework...
 
In my job I use to professionally work with music (composer producer, etc), work with and as voice-over professional... some done in the States and some in other countries, translation works, and fortunately (actually following my gut feelings) have contacts in the mainstream media world, at least enough...
So I think it worth a shot, seriously.

I love that the awareness is increasing in mainstream shows like the Netflix / CBS S.T. Discovery (There's an episode about PTSD even when we talk about CPTSD). That's great!

While in the last two years I'm on a speed healing curve, just a few months ago I finally 'get it', and all the pieces fell into place. So simple!

Thanks to many of the mentioned activities, it was only this year that all the information I've gathered over decades felt into place. 

We tend to be very creative and smart people, we are being told (or used to be told) we are not. Which as we know: it isn't the case at all.

I'm also in contact with institutes from Australia and my country. And I'm preparing now to exchange opinions a place from Japan (there's a very interesting institution in Tokyo).

The twist about what I'm trying to create is to make a triggering, emotional, put in my shoes for a minute film.
A bit explicit, maybe  (some drawings and acting)... It certainly won't be emotionally easy for me, but I can do it.
Because at the same time, the value of this drives me forward!

Thanks in grand part to online places like this one, and people like you guys.

Love,
Sunny