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Messages - Luke57

#1
TRIGGER WARNING - CSA & VIOLENCE

One man's experience:

I was sexually abused, repeatedly, by my narcissistic mother. The most aggressive, overt sexual abuse occured from my earliest memories until I was six years old. I was made to do things to her, which I won't describe here, and then told I was disgusting and dirty for doing those very things.

As I grew older the abuse changed to a less aggressive, more covert nature. I was not allowed to have a lock on my bedroom door and she would often burst into my room when she knew I was changing clothes. But her favorite pastime was to walk around the house, when it was just me and her there, in her underwear or in very revealing, see-through lingerie. Before I reached puberty, I was simply embarrased and felt uncomfortable. After puberty, I began to enjoy seeing her exhibitions and would fantisize about what girls that I was attracted to at school would look like wearing those things. But the fantasy would be very brief because I was always sickened and horrified that I could look at my mother, whom I loathed, in that way. I hated her for her narcissistic, controlling behavior and for the many forms of abuse she subjected me to. How could I look at her?

As I continued to mature, I was frightened by and ashamed of my growing sexual desires. I had fully incorporated into my sense of self what I'd been repeatedly told throughout my chilhood - that I was a dirty, disgusting kid.

When I was still a young man, I was at an outdoor party away from the group, looking for a place to relieve myself, when I heard blood-curdling screams coming from an abandoned house nearby. A young girl had been raped and was being tortured to death like in the most graphic horror movie scene ever. The girl survived, just barely, and the guys got life sentences. That night I saw "toxic" male behavior at its worst. I would say the worst that human beings can do to another human being.

That's my C-PTSD story. I have had great difficulty coping in intimate, romantic relationships because of the hurt I've seen inflicted by misguided sexual desires from both sides of the gender divide.

I know that this doesn't in anyway make up or excuse all of the harm that has been done over the melinium by out-of-control, uninhibited, "toxic" males. Its just my story. Thruthfully, sometimes I'm ashamed to be a man. I just wanna be a human being.

The end. I'm gonna crawl off into the sunset and hope that continued therapy will release me from my prison.
#2
Hi kizzie, I'm very encouraged to hear that EMDR is going so well for you. Its great to hear that the "Trump triggers" aren't having as much of a powerful effect on you as they have in the past. Congrats on overcoming a major hurdle. ( And thanks for the link to the article about DT. )

I wish you peace and growing strength in both your work and recovery. Luke
#3
DR - Disturbed Relationships / Re: Feeling it's not fair
September 16, 2018, 05:43:30 PM
Hi S&B,

I definitely get tired of the effort and all the 2nd guessing myself that comes afterward. I just saw this post this morning, although its several weeks old. But I wanted to respond cause I could've written the exact same words myself. I fully feel what you're feeling and have struggled with that social anxiety stuff all my life. I'm sorry your IC was causing you pain when this was written. Hopefully who've gotten some breaks from him since then.

In my case, I'm sure my social anxiety is because in my FOO it was safer for me to hide and stay quiet than make any noise. I carried that role into my interaction with my school-mates. I felt like it was written on my forehead that I was wierd and disgusting because of the things my M did to me. I was certain that opening my mouth would only provide more evidence of how "bad" I was. I had friends, but I was always the quiet one. So it seems like I never learned how to make "idle conversation."

I discovered drugs and alcohol when I was 15 which changed everything. It felt like the door to my cage was thrown open and I could be who I wanted to be. Of course those things eventually led me into a new kind of prison, but that's a whole different story.

Now after lots of T and time with recovery groups, which I'm still making use of both, I'm able to be more open and less worried about what others think. If anybody does ask why I'm "different" I don't mind saying, "I had a rough childhood and I haven't fully recovered from it yet." I guess I'm probably more afraid of feeling that old shame of trying to keep my true self hidden, than what anybody else might think about me.

This got longer than I intended, but your statements stirred up a lot of feelings in me. Even if nobody else reads this it feels good to get it off my chest. Thanks for the post S&B. Good luck with T.

Luke
#4
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Smell flashback???
September 15, 2018, 02:52:01 AM
Just wanted to add my voice and agreement to this topic.

I have had numerous emotional and vivid visual flashbacks as well as a few body memories. And, yes, I've definitely had smell flashbacks. They are the most nauseating of all.
#5
General Discussion / Re: Denial
September 14, 2018, 05:37:20 AM
Hi SaB,

You have all the time in the world. There's no rush to help me or anybody else. I'm a firm believer that the first priority for anyone is to get themselves on a good road to recovery and their own wounds starting to heal before they spend any of their much needed energy helping others.

Instead of asking that awkward question it would've been more diplomatic and truthful for me to say, "I totally relate to what you're going through and I'm on your side."

And by the way, you will be helping me by continuing to share your feelings, struggles and progress with us all. That's what this place is all about. That's how we help each other out. Keep up the good work. Hope your T is helpful for you.

Luke
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's adventure pt. 2
September 12, 2018, 03:55:36 AM
I read it all too, Elph. And I think I actually understood it all.  :)

I really like what you said about your teenager. How she "got you here." That's something I want to keep in mind for myself, so I can be thankful to all my younger parts.

Looking forward to hearing how group went.

Luke


#7
Hi Kizzie,

You're right! I'm sure DT won't go quietly. Bummer.  :blink:
I think that was my angry, rebellious teenager who wrote the first two paragraphs of my post about DT. Though I stand behind the thoughts expressed, it could've been done a little less angrily. Then, thankfully, my grownup self took over on the last two paragraphs and meant every word of it.  :yes:
I'm sorry you're hurting from the childhood belief that you don't matter. That's my main core belief that still tortures me, also. It's very painful. So, I'm with you in hoping EMDR can help you gain a new sense of yourself that's positive and more in line with the truth.

Luke
#8
General Discussion / Re: Denial
September 10, 2018, 10:11:15 PM
Hi S & B,

I can understand right where you are, I think. I'm seeing a new T after a 15 year break from any therapy. On Thursday, we talked about my earliest memories of abuse. I didn't feel a lot of emotion at the time, but Sunday morning it all came gushing out. I was collapsed on the floor sobbing in great pain and thinking the exact thing you wrote in the 2nd line of your post, "I can't face it again." But I did make it thru and right now I feel cleansed and ready to face the next round of pain when it comes.

I'm glad to hear you say that you're not going back to drugs. I've been down that road several times before and although it may mask the pain for awhile, in the end it has always brought me greater pain and more problems to deal with.

I answered a question you posed several weeks ago about how your mother had abused you sexually and emotionally. That's the very thing I'm dealing with in these early memories. If that's what you're facing maybe we can help each other out on our healing journeys. I know I need all the help I can get.

Best wishes to you. I hope your T can help you find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Luke
#9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member
September 10, 2018, 03:04:34 PM
Hi timetakesmymind,

Welcome. I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with such difficult decisions and fears. I've found this is a great place to find unconditional love, acceptance and understanding. Sending you positive thoughts and hoping you find all you need here.

Luke
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's adventure pt. 2
September 10, 2018, 02:01:23 AM
Hi Elph,

"I feel happy and healthy." That's so cool to hear you say that! From what I've read, you've done a lot of excruciating and hard work to get where you are today. You certainly deserve all the happiness that comes your way.

Yoga has been a savior for me also. It helps me to calm myself and stay centered in my body, at least for a little while anyway. It gives me a good break from anxiety and dissociation - my two main nemesis.

Good luck with group. I bet you'll gain a lot from it and become a valuable asset to the other members.

Luke
#11
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: : hello
September 09, 2018, 11:00:52 PM
Hello,

Welcome to OOTS. I have only been a member on this site for a short time, but already the people here have made me feel right at home. I feel like I've made new friends and confidants. All have been very encouraging, whether I've responded to their posts or through reading their stories.

Its beautiful to read your words saying that your recovery will connect you with us. That's what happens here and what makes it all work so well.

Glad you're here.

Luke
#12
DT is a narcissistic idiot who is triggering people all over the world. So you know you're not alone, Kizzie. That's what N do best, (or about all they do well), is make others miserable while making themselves look like fools. That's my opinion.

I once had a N M who tormented me for years until I went NC. That's kind of how I deal with DT ... I try not to pay any attention to his silly rantings and ravings. His time will be up soon. The Universe has survived a lot of other power hungry N and it will survive this one, too.

Having said that, I'm sorry you're being triggered by all that nonsense. I can feel you and I'm right there with you. The important thing is the work you're doing to heal you and your younger self. Sounds like you're making a lot of progress and feeling good about that. I love to hear that. With enough hurting people moving forward towards healing, the world will heal itself.

Keep up the good work for yourself and OOTS. You're making a difference in the world in many ways.

Luke
#13
Letters of Recovery / Re: a letter I need to write to FOO
September 09, 2018, 08:46:10 PM
Blueberry, I think that's a great plan of action! I'm pulling for you. Stay strong.  :thumbup:

#14
Hope,

Sounds like you're making some very wise and healing decisions for yourself and your inner children.  :thumbup: You can't go wrong when you're doing that.

I'll miss you and be looking forward to your return in October or whenever you're ready. Take as long as you need.  :hug:

Luke
#15
Hi Hope,

Thanks for the hug for my 4 year-old. He needs all he can get. I try to envision myself holding him on his most difficult days when he felt so worthless and unloved. I remind him of how strong and brave he is to survive all he has.

From your journal, sounds like you've been getting a lot done for yourself. I'm glad to hear that and I hope you're getting plenty of good rest. Also good to hear you're getting some relief from those difficult cravings.  :hug:

Luke