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Messages - SharpAndBlunt

#1
General Discussion / Re: 'Nice guy syndrome'
April 25, 2022, 09:05:48 AM
Hi James,s

My father was the archetypal nice guy. I rallied against it for years and years but in vain. He could play the victim perfectly. He was also an alcoholic and expected things from me rather than being honest about what he wanted. But trying to reason with him around these things was futile. In other words, my identity as an autonomous adult was thwarted in his company. And, complicating that situation, my mother asked me to 'help' him shortly before she died. I realise now that her role was to 'help' him, and that she transferred that onto me.

As a 'nice guy', my father only wanted help from my mother, the object of his love, so you might see that the situation became impossible for me to manage, a young adult male trying to respect his dying mother's wishes to fix a broken father who was never interested in being fixed just getting what he needed to feel right about himself.

One of the worst aspects of that experience was that, because of the years I spent alone with him, I took on aspects of this victimhood dynamic. I tried to resist but it was hard, because of economic reasons and I was more or less dependent because I was still in education. I felt myself falling into this same 'nice guy' role. The resentments, the unspoken needs, the over reaction to being 'ignored'. I do feel that it is a very serious problem for society because these type of nice guy traits can be hard to detect.

Having said all that, through recovery and work I don't think I do that, or have ever fully done that. But, and it's important for me to note, that my only adult male role model very much operated like this. I carry a lot of fear that I'm subconciously doing these things. I feel 'infectious' sometimes and therefore stay away from relationships, or when I do fall for someone I fear my own patterns so much that I can't tolerate the stress of it all.

I ended up hating that 'nice guy'. It's a difficult situation to be in, to be at odds with other peoples' perceptions of someone. I'm sure many here would relate to that. Because I came to hate the (false) 'nice guy' I went the other way too far, and became obnoxious and avoidant just because I couldn't cope being around other people. I was that messed up. Years of work here, and in recovery rooms, has led to a bit of calm and self peace. But my family is still very difficult. They remind me of my own behaviour, and how they never acknowledged the 'nice guy' problems, even up to this day. There were things that my mother got the blame for but over all the strategy is denial.

This subject is very close to my heart, so hopefully this post isn't too long and stayed on point.

It's interesting that you say you hate who you were. I've rarely if ever heard that expressed, even though I feel that way about my past self. I took heart from your statement that compassion can come later. I do think this is important - therapy can emphasise being compassionate to ourselves (or kind/nice - see the problem!!) - when sometimes a healthy revulsion can be more beneficial. Thanks for posting about this. Even though it's difficult for me to read, it's really important that I understand what has happened was not my fault.
 

#2
Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal
April 01, 2021, 10:21:54 PM
Hi Hope, thank you  :hug:, a hug is always ok :-)

Maybe what you are getting at is that things *can* be nice, even later in life. I think maybe that's what I am taking from your words, which is absolutely great. Thank you.

I'm relating to feelings a bit. It's hard, but it's necessary work. But part of it is being able to appreciate things now. I still feel that sense I was talking about sometimes, and I think after lockdown lifts it will get worse, but I seem to have got used to spring now, and I am loving the blossoms and the bird song among a couple of other things.

:sunny:
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal
March 18, 2021, 01:46:58 PM
Thank you, notalone  :'(  :hug:
#4
Hi, this is an interesting topic to me. I've wondered why for a long time, but mid-afternoon, between lunch and dinner is my worst time. I often am overcome with sadness and even pain and I sometimes feel unable to do anything. I often wonder why that is.
#5
I just wanted to thank you too, Blueberry. I didn't reply at the time, but your message has come into my thoughts on a few different occasions since then. It is appreciated  :) :hug:
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal
March 04, 2021, 04:21:59 PM
Hi, Hope,

That is amazing, because I was thinking myself today that I haven't been here in what feels like a long time. To see you sent me a message just a few hours ago is unexpected and welcome  :) :hug:

I'm feeling very sad about things in general, although I have 'nothing to feel sad about'. But I'm sad about my want for love, my need to be seen and felt, and how the world is just so harsh in general. I'm getting older, things that seemed magical to me as a child just seem mundane and meaningless. This might be a slight dip in mood not quite a depression.

Strangely, the change in seasons, from winter to spring always challenges me. It's as if in winter, I don't feel bad for hiding away indoors and keeping warm. In spring and summer, there is much more of a perception that i 'should be' outside enjoying picnics, wine in the park, etc etc with some picture perfect friends. My world isn't like that and it never will be. I sometimes despise the media for painting ideal pictures everywhere.
#7
Hi blues_cruise,

I wanted to thank you for sharing. So much of what you wrote is recognisable. I'm also in the UK and I have the same feelings around the long winter. There's snow on the ground where I am, and there has been snow since before Christmas. At the moment it's just another thing that's contributing to a feeling of all days being the same. It seems the snow keeps falling and the days just keep going.

I live on my own, and I'm grateful for that, but it brings its own problems. I get lonely, and most days I wake up feeling 'here we go again'. It's like Groundhog Day. In some ways it's forcing me to confront feelings I've stuffed and ignored for years. I must admit I'm finding it difficult. I had a friendship that looked like it was going further but that all ended abruptly and, though that was nearly 6 months ago now, I'm still processing, and every day I think of the person and what I did wrong..I never seem to be able to put things in perspective. So I just keep going and hoping things will turn over.

The notion of the door representing escape really chimes with me. In my late teens / early 20s I had a period of 7 years living with a chronic alcoholic F. and I felt completely and utterly trapped. The freedom to get up and go out the door at a moment's notice means the world to me - I can imagine the feelings that must have grown when your door was wedged shut because of damp. I imagine, if I were to find myself with the situation being unable to receive a delivery, that my feelings might also have bubbled up, and it might have been an chance for anger to come up. There's quite a lot there, when I think of it, being trapped, maintenance, care (the door), frustration at being blocked from receiving something we've rightfully been expecting. It's something that could so easily be triggering. Coupled with lockdown, I don't think it's something I would be surprised to find myself doing. I've had minor triggers recently with my energy provider and I realised there was a danger that could overflow for me.

Re., having it better than others, I sometimes find myself warning myself to not be too hard on myself for this, as I have a tendency to tell myself that. In some ways that talk reminds me of my upbringing, I was regularly told that, so I try to think of my frustrations and anger as something that is deserving of patience and self care, rather than let my critical voice tell me I'm being ---- (insert adjective of choice here) for even daring to think it. Yes, there will probably always be people who are worse off than me, and in quiet times I can reflect and hope the best for those people, but in my life there will always be me and it's also important not to discount my own needs and feelings and wants - I do this all too easily and readily.

I hope it's okay I wrote so much. I find myself waking early these mornings and I sit for a while with a coffee and read and reflect a little. Thank you again for posting your thoughts. Best,

SaB

#8
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: overloaded and stressed
January 26, 2021, 05:18:48 PM
Hi san, I just wanted to send a hug your way  :bighug:

There is so much going on for you right now, practically and emotionally, all of which are linked of course. Your house sounds lovely and I hope that things go well with it  :thumbup:
#9
Employment / Re: Terrified by my job
January 26, 2021, 05:12:29 PM
Hi snookiebookie, I'm sorry you feel this way, I wanted to write here because I've often felt that way about work. Every Sunday evening for years I would feel sick to my stomach and would get intestinal trouble, all down to my nerves.

It sounds like you don't have the most supportive environment there. If my boss were ignoring my emails I would certainly be upset and probably end up triggered too.

Good luck with your search for another job and know that while this is a part of you (and me) you deserve a work environment where you're supported, whatever your needs.

Best wishes,
s&B
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal
January 26, 2021, 05:06:27 PM
Thank you sanmagic, it's great to re-read what I wrote there, and still be able to follow what I meant, and to see that it meant something to you too. Accountability is a good word for it. There is none and there won't be any - I always struggled with that. It also perpetuates my victim status somehow, which I don't care for much. Maybe turning it over is a better way of framing than letting go. Thanks  :) :hug:
#11
Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal
January 20, 2021, 07:08:41 AM
Feel like I've weathered a storm. I'm not sure what the cause was, or even if there was a cause. I look to the future and I see more storms, more weathering, hardening. It seems inevitable there will be more storms, will I still try to avoid them. Should I try to avoid them. Or should I accept my place and 'Walk On', as the song says. To Walk On feels a little like letting go, and letting go feels like letting off for all the things that have gone wrong. If I have to forgive then eventually that will be the only way forward. But to do that I have to give up any notion for good, that anything will ever be addressed outside of myself. I already know that is a fact and in fact can never be addressed. But a part of me doesn't want to to accept it.

I'm going to post this. Even though it turned into a stream of conciousness and didn't really have a fixed destination. Writing it down helped me think it through and maybe I'll read it again.
#12
Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal
January 18, 2021, 04:03:12 PM
Thank you, Hope, that is a lovely message :)

I've had some better days and worse days, but I'm here today and that is very good  :bighug:
#13
Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal
December 22, 2020, 09:08:00 AM
Hi Hope,

I was just coming here to check in this morning and saw your big hug, which was lovely, thank you.  :hug:

I was just going to write a little about how hard the recovery journey is but also this morning how worthwhile it feels. When I am looking back on my past behaviours it's with a bit more understanding. People will say 'you did the best you could' but I think until I really can believe that, the words don't fully mean 100% what they should. I have heard so many phrases like that, that sound good but don't really work - until they begin to. What I'm trying to say is that I'm glad I am not giving up on anything like recovery, I'm still sticking at it. cptsd really does deserve that first 'c' - complex, which is how so many things got wrapped up in each other and tangled up together. Untangling cause and effect in all that is next to impossible.

I have realised how true it is. To go slow and to be kind and gentle to myself is key for me. I have always been impatient and dismissive of how much work I had to do. It's being in it for the long haul that makes it work. I'm heading into a festive period now pretty much alone but I think I will be ok. I do have people I can contact but not meet because of covid. This too will pass.
#14
Hi Bella, in my experience doing well at school was a way to deflect negative attention at home. It was also a way for me to win approval at home.

Your comment about school being a freer (maybe safer?, for me) environment than home also rang true for me. I also used that space to rebel a little at school. I knew that punishment there couldn't match the physical and emotional punishment I would get at home for attempting to act out.

So, yes, I do totally relate and it makes perfect sense to me. I'm interested in the links saylor posted and I'll be checking those out. Thank you saylor for that.

#15
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
December 12, 2020, 06:03:22 AM
Sanmagic, I'd like to add my hug and love, what you have written I recognise a lot, about feeling hollow and floaty. I know that we talked about that before. The scary thing for me too is what comes next but I hope it's OK to give you a  :bighug: