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Messages - milk

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Checking Out / Re: Signing off permanently
« on: December 20, 2018, 10:24:59 PM »
Thank you  three roses —-  :hug:
You are in my thoughts.

Checking Out / Signing off permanently
« on: December 20, 2018, 10:15:20 PM »
Your stories and insights about living with trauma have helped me to know myself better: strengths and vulnerabilities. Thank you. I am unmasking my symptoms of cPTSD and using healthy coping mechanisms to rewrite my thinking — I feel better, stronger, more confident, and able to let the *heavy emotions play with the light ones — this is the best gift OOTS has offered me; my skin is thickening* against the blunt nature of the madness we see in this world and I trust what I know to get through.

Thank you three roses, kizzie, Cookido, boy22, and so many others for your presence and resilience.

I will sign off with a few truths about my time here:

I have only one profile in this forum — its milk
I engaged with this forum objectively and at times subjectively based on personal experience
If emotion took over — timeout and rewriting my posts helped me through
All the stories I shared were true with original names changed and identifying specifics mostly absent
And finally I will sign off with my name

All the best to the members of the forum


*letting anger and sadness push through to solace — my anger was not seen too much here; I work through it on long hikes in the wilderness

*a healthy balancing layer of letting go and compassion

Building Protective Factors / Re: The human body is phenomenal *possible TW
« on: December 14, 2018, 06:55:50 PM »
Kizzie, Bezzel Van der Kolk’s book is a great resource — I open it up to various sections throughout the week to help me through moments in daily living.

I am thrilled for you!  :cheer:

Healing through the body does wonders — really. Its worth the struggle in the beginning, eventually I came to know my usual reactions and I could work through them so my body could open up to the pain —- I can now do this at home on my own. This is serious empowerment — no doctors needed! I felt my posture and self esteem shift in the process —- old pains disappeared. And the best part was noticing how my body kept the trauma and what I needed to do every day (homework from the Rolfer) to release it.

It will be great to hear how others fair with this body work. I am happy to have posted it —- its my favourite subject :  )

I think this is the first time someone has done something for me that is entirely based on my needs and feelings. Atleast I cannot remember any other time in my life where I felt this seen and understood. I don't feel like I deserve this attention. He has an angel inside of him, and he is too good for me (I know this is partly my IC talking, but I am in fact in a state of mind where I cannot care for others as much as I would like. Depression is selfish).

He told me he loves me. But I'm note sure in what way. I think it might be the angel speaking.

Either way, he is making my two road option into a roundabout of directions.

Cookido, recognizing where you are (in depression) and letting yourself be in the presence of this guy, is healthy; the tenderness he is offering is given freely, and you feel it. That is something to build on. Your level of self awareness  (knowing your IC) shows the work you have done to be at a roundabout of directions.

You write that you are feeling depressed and unable to reciprocate the care —- sometimes this happens, its ok, real intimacy isn’t about an *even exchange —- but acknowledging where one another is. Do you still feel undeserving of this experience or being with this guy? You let him know what you needed and you told him that it felt nice —- this is respect for what is given and received —- sounds like a deserving experience for both of you.

*the perception of an ‘even’ exchange depends on what the two people value; one may place a higher value on a gesture than another but that doesn’t take away from an exchange that feels balanced —- in fact the exchange itself may change the values once placed, strengthening the connection. I like the word ‘balance’ better, the word ‘even’ can be easily misunderstood.

I read this part of your journal this morning and it made me smile.

Building Protective Factors / Body Work (*possible TW)
« on: December 11, 2018, 07:06:28 PM »
My intention in this thread is to post a statement about how the human body relates to trauma and to open an inquiry about ways that we can return to knowing ourselves authentically through body awareness (proprioception). Building resiliency comes to mind when I think of our *physical nature, so this heading seemed appropriate for the thread. I also wanted to thank a member for posting an honest comment about their body — it inspired me to post this thread with careful attention to how we approach this subject: with respect and attunement towards health.

*physical nature: how our body survives trauma and how we return it to balance on our own with the support of a Rolfer (movement specialist), Seasoned Yoga Instructor, or others in this field.

The statement
I believe the human body is phenomenal because it is *foul and magnificent, regardless of how I feel about it at a given time — which can be thwarted by trauma.

Personal Experience
I have to work on this thwart often, so I can know myself. Letting somatic healing happen is one way I work on restoring sensations that were once lost. Through regular practice I am learning how to self soothe and becoming more aware of what I keep in my body. My experience in somatic healing comes from psychotherapy, hot yoga, meditation, completing the Rolfing series, and from swimming in a cold ocean.


*although this part is mostly attributed to our sense of smell, if we could not smell, what would we have? A substance of some sort. We do need the smell, though. It gives us knowledge - to keep a distance if we don’t know what to do and if we do know what to do, take care of it in a healthy manner.

What are your thoughts on this subject?

Recovery Journals / Re: The Black Hole Journal *possible trigger warning
« on: December 11, 2018, 05:30:55 PM »
Cookido, I appreciate your insights, please do share —- your journal writing has been inspiring for me, too. You have a healthy understanding of boundaries when responding to others on your journal while at the same time, taking care of yourself. I am glad you found me.

Anem, is there a hotline you can call to get support? You mentioned needing financial help and struggling with your mental wellness —- its a lot to try to fix in one go. Knowing some stability will help to further you along your path, especially when you decide to work on your wellness with a healthcare professional. Trading work for accommodations may be an option.

The term disability is a legal term used to describe citizens who are unable/have a limited contribution to the economy, it is used purely for economic reasons (number crunching) —- this word has nothing to do with mental wellness. If you can, try to let the word go and focus on what you really need to recover your life.

Take care — sending positive thoughts your way.

Recovery Journals / Re: The Black Hole Journal *possible trigger warning
« on: December 04, 2018, 03:26:42 AM »
You are welcome, sanmagic7.

Instead of forgiveness could you think of it like being bitten by a snake?

You need to heal the bite and try to avoid getting bitten again.

The snake doesn't need your forgiveness, its just being what it is, anger is an OK response in some ways but isn't going to change the snake.

The snake doesn't think, it just bites.

I've spent years trying to work out what exactly happened to me, I'm much better informed now but I'm beginning to think so what? Why have I spent so much time trying to understand my snakes? They are just doing what they do, no other explanation required.

I am echoing Rainagain —- another term to describe this, is crazy-making. Name it, tame it, claim it —- I skimmed through the posts and this is what I see on the healthy end, from you, and others here. The painting and music are healing for you (this is how you claim your side of this madness), keep at it —- your good intentions will attract the right people to be with. Take care and sending positive thoughts your  way.

General Discussion / Re: Mental health team assessment
« on: December 01, 2018, 11:06:25 PM »
Boatsetsailrose, you have the right idea.

Showing up to therapy ‘raw’ takes trust in the professionals you are with and in knowing what healthy professional care feels like. I was seeing someone for about a year for counseling — it wasn’t till I showed up ‘raw’ that the therapy began happening. It didn’t  feel good at all —- i had to let go of all my constructs — I was fighting for my life at this point, and I had to say this to myself to get it. Something that helped me through this was emailing my therapist regularly, so she could see my writing ‘raw’ and stabilized. Take care, my thoughts are with you for something real.

The Cafe / Re: Today I am grateful .... (Part 3)
« on: December 01, 2018, 10:43:57 PM »
I am grateful for the forum and the people here. This place is helping me to work through my thoughts at a critical moment in life.

Recovery Journals / Re: The Black Hole Journal *possible trigger warning
« on: December 01, 2018, 10:01:15 PM »
About sadness and depression
In order to get ground on this subject, I believe the best approach to discuss mental wellness is through personal experience of the theoretical approaches applied (learned in therapy): cognitive behavior therapy, somatic healing, dialectical behavior therapy. I am committed to learning how to heal myself with the support of others.

This week I had to ask my self, am I sad or depressed? At times, I felt sadness but not depression. Next, I ask myself, did this low feeling prevent me from completing daily responsibilities? No, it didn’t. Therefore I am sad.

Thought sequences like this, help me to determine what I need. Years ago I made my way to a psychiatrist’s office for another opinion about the state of my mental living, past and present. Issues with sleep and appetite were affecting my daily routine. After a few meetings Dr. C told me that I have experienced a lot of tragedy in my life, feeling sad is a healthy response. ‘Let yourself feel sad’ — this was the best medical advice I was ever given.

After my visit with Dr. C, I took a drive in the hills and found a temple. Actually a beautiful Indian styled abode with a gong at the entrance — a flight of hard wood stairs that wrapped about an ornate structure of relief and cornices. Shoes off and in I go to sit quietly on a pillow, no one was there — the air was soft and sat with me comfortably. I tried meditating again, it was something I wanted to experience and struggled to do so. I felt my body fall into the space. I cried until I couldn’t. I forgot where i was. I stood up and walked through the door, sat on the porch and looked beyond at the ocean.  I meditated for the first time; this is something good. The sadness lifted and I was ready to move. I put my shoes on slowly and i left. Regular visits to the temple, yoga, and becoming a vegetarian helped me to manage my appetite and sleep.

I knew what it felt like to be sad, as an adult, after this day.

This memory came back to me as I made my way to another doctors office to realize I didn’t need to be there — they were not Dr. C. and I knew what I needed; to feel sadness. I believe medication works when things are falling apart at a level like: I cannot get out of bed or do anything to meet my responsibilities.

In this case, i just need to feel sad when I witness sad happenings —- I may be a bit slower in getting things done, but I am still getting things done. In fact I am carefully *strategizing what I need from the city I live in and what I can offer its people. On top of this, I am in a legal case that has taken a year to prepare and another year to play out — it has an affect on my lifestyle and my relationships with family; its temporary and worth the struggle. I am releasing an albatross that has been with me since the signing of my last student loan. The thought of being debt free again and traveling, is refreshing, I am imagining the life I desire.

*the city i live in is lethal to the careless

The Cafe / Re: Today I am grateful .... (Part 3)
« on: December 01, 2018, 09:40:50 PM »
Today I am grateful for my mind. I have never shared this before or thought about it, till now. The inner critic tends to turn these thoughts down before I become aware of them — not today.

It is my mind that helps me to,...

recognize the difference between sadness and depression
know when I need help and what kind: yoga, meditation, good food, exercise,  medication or not
reflect/express myself through movement, speaking, writing, eating, sex, intimacy, drawing, photography
recall or look for information that can help me to make better decisions
pay attention to others and put my issues on the shelf
to trust the life I am making one change at a time
be patient

The Cafe / Re: Today I realized that ...... (Part 2)
« on: December 01, 2018, 09:29:28 PM »
That I can stand up after a fall. Sometimes I forget that I can do this. I feel my body standing strong and comfortable when I,...

At times it feels awkward because its new.
I want this strong feeling to be the norm.

The Cafe / Re: Today I feel ..... (Part 4)
« on: December 01, 2018, 09:27:17 PM »

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