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Messages - Boy22

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Our Relationships with Others / Isnt it something
« on: November 24, 2018, 07:39:53 AM »
I dont know how many boards I have been banned from.

The latest because I clearly identified the moderators bias.

The real world cant handle the most simple of truths.

Let alone what we have experienced.

The eye sees everything but itself.

This is a true thing.

Much more difficult than that is finding the true others who are willing to share with you in an uncritical way.

Without them you are left in the quagmire of bovine faeces. Turn whatever way you wish it is all BS.

Yesterday a decision was made and was further clarified this morning.

We are going to sell our beautiful home that have spent over $1M renovating to our standards and move to a semi-rural location so that I am not constantly struggling with noise stress.

This was what caused all the fear in my inner child a few days ago, yet yesterday when we went to visit to possible house + sizeable section options my inner child was calm in the comfort of adult me. Sadly though one is a magnificent but small home the spaces felt wrong to me (it has featured on the TV programme “Grand Designs”).

So after yesterdays visits and some more internet searching we have decided to become cashed up buyers first and save the searching until we have certainty on what our budget will be.

I definitely love the saying “NO!” (My empasis). It is my knee jerk response to a request from anyone in a position of authority.

My perfectionist drive as a typical trait of CPTSD survivor.

I have to be 100% or else my inner critic will berate me forever more.

Successes, Progress? / Re: Memory
« on: November 23, 2018, 07:44:05 PM »
 :cheer: :cheer:

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Feel so out of control
« on: November 23, 2018, 04:33:22 AM »
Hey Cyd,

I have had a complete meltdown. I stopped working in January last year. Fortunately I have good income protection insurance.

I have looked upon this as a good thing. Shake free the shackles that held me tight and give myself the space to breathe, to heal, to grow. I am making progress but ever so slowly. That’s okay.

I still have horrible days where I needlessly beat myself up. But then that seems to be the norm around this place and we are all here to lend an ear and a cyber hug when needed.



My T(s) are great, even if this chapter isnt in Ed1 either.

Interesting to read of the “good enough” therapists. Echoes of Pete Walkers “good enough” parents.

I still struggle with self acceptance of less than 100%.

Today my guts have locked up, my chest wall is rigid. Fear, uncertainty.

I sat down to write an email to one of my Ts, as I wrote it I realised what was happening and what steps I needed to take next.

My Inner child is frightened. All this work that has been done to create a safe space we will leave for what?

So I am working on comforting my inner child. The fear is valid and the adult me understands this and is able to make good rational choices.

Some yoga. Now calmer.

Introductory Post / Re: new to this
« on: November 21, 2018, 07:46:28 PM »
Welcome aiminghigh,

Take your time, explore, post when you are ready. We are all part of each others support network.

P.S. My high school motto in latin meant pretty much your name.

Therapy / Re: Confused
« on: November 21, 2018, 04:31:09 AM »

Hi malt2018

You are right both ways.

You may have been subject to sexual abuse by an abuser who was cold and incommunicative.

Or you were physically but not sexually abused, again with that cold incommunicative manner.

You are most right about the bodies stored memory, and to me it is best to explore this with a safe therapist.

I have finished off and posted my next blog entry, the rest of what I wrote follows here -

Besides the different parts of me are also the "scripts" I was taught as a child. So for any medical related appointment I am well groomed, well attired, well behaved and on time. This has led to most of my therapists perceiving me as higher functioning than I truly am. So I have begun to experiment with going off script. This caused my inner critic to get quite upset, angry, harsh. The first attempt went well. I was even unintentionally late, I parked and without self criticism I did not run or walk fast but went at a measured pace with my anxiety rising as I got closer.

That psychotherapy session and the next few after were spent exploring ways of going off script with my psychiatrists, my inner critic was quite clear that there was no way I could do that. In the end I did manage to go completely off script, with less anxiety each time.

And now Andy along with one of my psychiatrists have thrown me a conundrum. Stay in Auckland, or move up Matakana way. We already have two properties we will be viewing at the end of this week. Whilst I have been house sitting in Matakana, both Andrew and my psychiatrist have noticed how calmer and more relaxed and even happy I am. Auckland is a never ending supply of noise stress but I am unsure about the possibility of moving.

I've been having a busy time lately. I have been reading many of the posts on the forum but saying little.

Hope, I enjoyed your summary of chapter one in your book. It made me want to go back and re-read mine again as I haven't touched it in some time.

Guess what, I have a first edition. Its chapter one is dry and boring. Never mind.

Hope, please continue with your new thread for each chapter in your book. I really look forward to that and to reading many of your other posts, forgive me for not replying but I am there along side you (&WattleBird).

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Realizing I'm Angry **TW-PA**
« on: November 20, 2018, 06:57:52 PM »
Thanks you guys. I guess it has. The thing is, if a student at school says they are being whacked with a utensil on the daily, I would be obligated to report to CPS.

Boy, I'm angry that my GCb ruined the kids. It just wasn't necessary. It was redneck and uneducated to not learn from our own experience. These kids are beautiful, loving, smart kids who now have every neuroses in the book.

And I'm mad that by healing and realizing things and trying, I'm the outcast person in the family.
Good reasons to be angry.

I cant say my first significant relationship was that long, nor was I mature enough to understand his deficits.

Even at that young age it still took a number of years to find the next person who “clicked”.

It is now 25yrs on, and we are both still needing to have therapy to work on ourselves.

Life, is a work in progress.

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