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Messages - nibbe

#1
I only occasionally check the intros for new entries. And by totally random fate I checked in today and clicked on your intro, and the tear ducts went ballistic. Out of those few short lines I could sense, and internally feel the hurt and pain you have already suffered, and all that lays ahead. But please, "please" know this, "that you are not alone anymore!"  I absolutely wish I could offer up the Magic you seek,  but I can't. For I am, and shall always remain a simple, quiet person without magical powers. In my case I lived and suffered in un-blissful ignorance, the pain and hurt was constant but I was clueless as to why. Then last year I stumbled into the reason. And like you, the self drive kicked in to find out more. Currently today there is only one solution being offered for c-ptsd, therapy.  But research and science are actively working on memory modification, which to me sounds extraordinarily promising.

Welcome to OOTS "woodsgnome", I shall gladly take hold of your hand, and hold it tightly. (But should you read some of my other posts, you will find I am more into bear-hugs, the kind that envelops the whole body and spirit, and makes you feel secure, and at PEACE.)

nibbe
"when it is quiet, and I am alone, I am at peace"
#2
The Cafe / Re: Favorite Quotes
January 24, 2015, 06:42:03 PM
And let us not forget, that C-PTSD is not Rocket Science (R/S). R/S is simply a "controlled" explosion. Take a cylinder with a hole in it, fill it with high explosives, throw a match in the middle, and "Hang On". You can learn all you need to know about R/S in a few seconds, "don't play with matches"! The human brain is far more complex. Thousands of rockets are made every day, exactly the same. But out of 7 billion brains, there are no 2 alike. We are as different as our fingerprints. No wonder we have trouble finding a therapist that understands who "I" am.   :stars:

Nibbe
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Running scared
January 13, 2015, 07:36:11 PM
Thank you Annegirl, yes the days are already starting to look brighter. And on the lighter side, a  little side note on "running scared". Understand that I'm just under 6', 230 pounds, a really thick barrel chest, short stubby arms and legs, and both are thick as trees. I have the standing posture more akin to a Grizzly bear, then a humanoid. So why was I running? I might look like a Griz, but I usually present as a very large teddy bear. The only time the Griz shows itself is when I see a child being abused by an adult,  Grrrrrr.

The sun is shining, so let's press on.
Nibbe
#4
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Running scared
January 11, 2015, 04:25:07 AM
First off, a heartfelt Thank You goes out to OOTS, and the people it represents. In the hours that followed my "intro" posting, my brain hit warp speed in self-talk. I cannot explain the mental mechanics at work, but somehow I felt more and more empowered by doing that posting. I kept asking why, WHY am I still running scared? I didn't know. But wait, I do KNOW! The Susan Cains, Elaine Arons, Alice Millers, Pete Walkers, OOTF, OOTS, and countless articles and research papers provided the answers. I CAN now explain all the gory details of how I came to be, and who I am today. I can explain why my blood pressure goes up when I'm around people, and down in quiet solitude. It's called C-PTSD, hyper-vigilance, anxiety, HSP, and introversion.

Armed with this knowledge, I can no longer justify running scared. So I stopped running, right here, right NOW. If going somewhere feels like being in a rock concert "mosh pit", I'll stop going. In my intro on Jan 8th, I talked about living in isolation. But living in "total" isolation is about the same as being deceased. The only real difference is that in isolation you CAN change your mind, and/or your path forward. A much better position would be living in "selective" isolation. If a person or people trigger you or raise your blood pressure, hang up, and isolate "them", not yourself.

And please understand that my life wasn't/isn't totally gloom and doom. By most social measures I had a good career, a family, and even moments of incredible  accomplishments. But always, always from the position of running scared, C-PTSD, and anxiety.

And yes Wingnut, my traits of INTJ and HSP were the dementors that sucked the life out of me as a child, and are now incredible, marvelous assets that I appreciate and have used the heck out of more times then I could ever count. As for living to 100?, let's go for it, and beyond, because suddenly I feel more alert , more alive, and more determined then I have felt in years. And start by reducing the trigger possibilities where ever and whenever I can.

So Thank You again to OOTS. You were there for me when I needed a kindly ear, with the patience to listen, and the knowledge and experience to understand. Right now I can appreciate the words from a Frozen song, "the past is in the past, so let it go, let it go....... Yes, the triggers will still happen, but I can certainly say NO to any venue where triggers are expected. And the memories and the scars of childhood are still there, cloaked for now by selective amnesia, to be dealt with in due time, with the right tools and support. But for right now though, it is time to set sail on a new course, and to stop running scared.

Thank You.

Nibbe
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Running scared
January 08, 2015, 09:04:22 PM
Thank You, for your responses. Funny how my brain works, when I write a piece like my intro, as soon as I hit the send button I start going over and over the piece. Asking, and then answering those questions for myself. Please give me a couple days to mull things over. And I will get back with you.

Thanks, Nibbe
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Running scared
January 08, 2015, 05:34:37 PM
Please allow me to introduce to this forum an imaginary person that has severe C-PTSD. His trigger is any angry voice, or even the "thought", that someone might become angry. In short he is afraid of everyone, nor does he trust anyone, period. His life around people is a constant struggle with fear, hyper-vigilance, high anxiety levels, high blood pressure (BP), and full blown fight or flight attacks. He takes several pills each day to keep his BP and emotions in check, even with his limited interaction with people.

He developed his PTSD very early in life, for he was born deeply introverted, and highly sensitive (HSP), into a very large, very poor, "poisonous pedagogy" (Alice Miller) FOO that lived in a small farm house. Those very traits became his "dementors" (JK Rowling), for there was no place for an introvert to find any peace or downtime. And the HSP trait (sensory gating) did not allow for him to filter out any of the constant shouting, hitting, and spanking. The more he reacted to the chaos, the worse the punishment became. No attachment to either parent, or anyone else was ever established. He grew up in constant fear of his parents. (Dementors are ghostly creatures that suck the life forces out of people)

This imaginary person is now 70+ years old and only discovered recently (2014) the concepts of introversion, HSP, and C-PTSD. But it is clearly the PTSD that he struggles with daily. He is still self sufficent in that he cooks, cleans, and sews for himself. He is the plumber, the electrician, auto mechanic, handyman, landscaper, and farmer. Retired, he has little need at present to interface with the public. He is married, 35+ years, to a non-HSP extrovert that may have signs of being NPD.  So, no help there.

So, what are your thoughts? At this age does it make any sense to take on the challenge of doing therapy? And since he is unable/unwilling to "trust" anyone, isn't finding a confidant', or "enlightened witness" (Alice Miller) going to be difficult?

And no, I'm not kidding myself, or anyone else, he is not imaginary, he is a very real person. For his name, and my name, is "Nibbe". All I really ask for is to live quietly, in isolation. But for the extroverted masses, this is not understandable, nor acceptable.

"When it is Quiet, And I am Alone, I am at PEACE.........