Messages

Thank you ever so kindly for the responses. Yes they were more than helpful.
Ishy

Hi everyone
I have extreme anger outbursts. Do you know effective ways to remedy this crucifying symptom.
Many thanks
Ishy

Hi Kizzie
Great video by Gabor Mate... very informative. I am a living example of what he explains.
Ishy

Hi UnapologeticallyCharlie
I have an addiction to alcohol too Charlie. So you are not on your own.
I have been drinking since I was 16.  It makes me feel wonderful... but if something triggers me, all * will break loose. This is the part that i hate. I end up being so cruel and nasty. These poor behaviors, i am told by my psychiatrist, are a result of my childhood trauma. Did you experience childhood trauma? Does the same thing happen to you sometimes?
Ishy

Hi Jazzy
That is so sad that your relationships end up breaking up. You say that you bring obsession into the relationship, although you didn't mention how you obsess...what is it that you do? How does your obsession affect the other person?
Ishy

Wow thank you so much for your feeds. I have been away for a while, so i haven't been on line. What you have written is very interesting and uplifting. For the time being i am going to continue to drink... i am still trying to process and accept everything about CPTSD. However i do recognise that i am not a bad person anymore. I was so ashamed.... it was all so consuming. I became suicidal on a number of occasions over the years. But not anymore... god have mercy on our souls. (Not that I'm religious).
Love Ishy

Does anyone have information or opinions about CPTSD and addiction.
I started drinking when i was 16 and I'm 58 now and still drinking. I am a functional alcoholic, but of course i would be a better person if i didn't drink at all. Over the years my drinking has affected all areas of my life including family/relationships, business/work and finances, not to forgot my health/weight. But still i continue regardless of the consequences. Apparently people with CPTSD are highly prone to  developing addiction.
It's so nice to be communicating with people who understand.
Ayisha

Hi Kizle
Thank you for your reply. Yes it was most helpful.
Ishy

Thank you guys for all the support and good answers. What LilyITV said makes some sense to me but it all still feels raveled up. Rainagain, honestly I'm not sure if I feel that way or not. That might take some introspection.

LilyITV mentioned something about empathy which is a big thing for me. I believe my therapist would call it a "core issue". I also see what you mean about feeling remorse. An interesting thing that stood out to me when I read that was that when I think about it, for me it's easier to forgive someone when they both feel remorse and also take responsibility for what they did.

For example my mother, she feels remorse for things but she will skirt the blame. She'll feel sorry for blowing up at you but she'll blame it on hormones. She's sorry that the house is dirty but it's the fault of her job for making her too tired to clean. If you offer to help her problem solve it's just one excuse after another. If you ask her a day later, it's a different excuse than the first.

It's the people who are so deep in self-protection mode that they can't bring themselves to admit that they hurt someone are the people who get to me. 

I feel like this sums up her behavior too, even though I'm talking about taking responsibility and not empathy. (Maybe? I thought?) Whenever she's making excuses for things it's always stuff that seems like it would generate a whole lot of shame if she where honest with herself. It's like she just can't handle the thought of it.

I was thinking the day after I posted this topic, that I have the same attitude towards physical disability actually. I feel like people can't help their disabilities, of coarse, and they should be accepted, respected and given accommodations but I also have maybe some harsh ideas about being responsible for yourself and your disabilities. Especially about myself.

There's a core issue I've heard about that's one I know other people have because it's like a developmental thing or something. It's when a parent is unable to provide love and support and/or they're harmful in some way because of some shortcoming of theirs. Often because of mental illness. And the kid, being a kid, internalizes the parent's failings as a sign that there's something wrong with them. (The kid, I mean.)

As an adult, I logically understand that a lack of empathy can be due to mental illness and being in a self-protection mode as LilyITV puts it. But maybe I also rationalize my emotions by thinking that the adults should have been able to be responsible for their obvious problems. Most of the adults in my life were in positions where the could have gotten help if they really wanted to. Maybe I'm still trying to put the emotional pieces together about why they didn't.

It's difficult to comprehend that lack of empathy when you're on the other end. In my mind, I can still feel that internalized way of thinking. Why does the lack of empathy not seem obvious when it's happening towards me? I felt like if I were more important, they would do something about it.

As an adult though, I logically know that their "self-protection mode" was probably too strong to have been able to fully admit their problems and get help. But I don't feel that. It doesn't emotionally feel true even if it's true. Maybe this is what I've processed as "responsibility". Maybe I'm expecting responsibility in the face of the impossible from myself and others. Maybe I feel like I'll cause that much damage if I fail.

I feel like I've ended up with maybe some really harsh ideas about what it means to be irresponsible. I'm not really sure though, I feel like the line I've drawn for myself is the only line I've ever known. Lately I've had an opportunity to experience other people being genuinely accepting and forgiving of other people's failures in a casual way. Like, it wasn't some big deal that they forgave them. They just did. Like it was a normal occurrence. It's just kind of like "Oh, they're only human" and no one's feelings are hurt or anything. That's pretty foreign to me.

I keep hearing that "Well, people are only human" or like I'll apologize for something or explain myself and people will be like "Hey, aren't you human?" I know there's been times before where I've gotten mad at someone and like they couldn't understand why I was mad at them for being irresponsible because they didn't think they were irresponsible, that thought they had just made an honest normal mistake. I know I've definitely been in awe of people who's "That's too much to expect of if me, I'm only human!" line is much lower than mine is.

I think deep down I'm just terrified of being like the incompetent adults in my life. I'm afraid of causing that kind of destruction to other people. But also, I feel like there's a flip side to this? I feel like those people are so awful, and most of them are alone. I feel so hurt by them, I feel like if I were to treat anyone even remotely like that it would be unforgivable. I would expect to be dropped like a hot potato! And that expectation is visceral. It's like the word "unacceptable" as an emotion that punches me in the gut. I can't see past it.
And I think there's a nasty catch in that every time, with every adult, they act as if they don't see that they're wrong. I've heard iterations of "They're just doing their best!" or "They did what they thought was right at the time" or "They're not evil, they had good intentions." my whole life and that's terrifying? That someone could be so toxic, what? On accident?? Unknowingly?

How do I know I'm not that damaging on accident? I feel like I'm responsible for every emotion I have. I can't lash out because something is confusing, I have to figure out why I'm confused! What am I, a toddler pitching a tantrum? Can I not navigate my own feelings? Can I not take care of myself and clean up my own messes? I would be ashamed if someone had to put up with me just because I can't simply manage my own emotions! But other people act like that all the time? Where is the line? I don't feel like it's okay for anyone to put up with me making any mistakes at all. Every mistake is a sign of incompetence that I haven't managed well enough yet.

I try to line up in my mind all the shortcomings that other people accept in each other and all the things that I feel are unacceptable from the adults that were in my life and I try to see if they meet anywhere in the middle but it feels so complicated. I feel like I never know where the line of what's acceptable lies in any situation about anything and it's all for the same reasons! I feel like no one raised an adult when I grew up, I'm just an amalgamation of broken pieces trying to hold water.

Hi Goblinchild
I hope i am posting in the correct area. I still haven't got a hang on how to work with this application.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. But after my CPTSD diagnosis I seem to be less responsible for a great many things. I was so tired of judgements and opinions because i took on the responsibility for most things. Yet on the odd occasion someone else had to be responsible and didn't measure up it was a very soft remark that was made. I used to get resentful and boy I'm glad I don't have that happening either. Let go...let God.

When i was diagnosed with CPTSD some three years ago, i had never heard of the disorder. Soon after i started hearing about PTSD quite often and then more often. It seems to be a popular diagnosis. I often wonder is some people with PTSD actually have CPTSD. And vice versa. If this is the case for some people then they wouldn't be receiving the correct therapy etc. As i suffered my trauma as a child and suffered it for six years, then my persona changed in its entirety... way back then. It changed forever. I was condemned to a life not my own! This reality requires a whole different psychiatric approach than that of someone who has suffered a  major car accident, for example.
Does anyone have any opinions on this subject.
In the meantime i wish you and your loved ones a beautiful christmas and a superb new year. x

Thank you for responding to my message a couple of weeks ago. You disagreed with my belief that CPTSD is incurable. I am only of this opinion because my psychiatrist has told me that it is incurable. He believes that with good therapy and medications great improvement can be achieved, but one never really recovers from CPTSD developed by childhood trauma.
Please let me know why you believe CPTSD is incurable.  Do you have evidence about this? If so, it would put things in a whole new perspective for me (and others).
Kind regards
Ayisha

I am new to Out of the Storm. I am hoping to share my experiences and opinions about CPTSD with other sufferers. I'm sure we could relate to each other's situations and perhaps share ideas about how to improve our day to day lives.
Below is one of a number of definitions that pertain to CPTSD.

C-PTSD is generally until now, known as a psychotic condition known to veterans of war, but thankfully more recent studies prove that this condition is prevalent in lay-persons who have also suffered an event or events that have transformed their persona, their person in its entirety. 
(Unknown source)
I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), when I was 55 years old. Why I couldn't have just plain PTSD is beyond me, mine had to be the complex kind, the incurable kind. After I was diagnosed with C-PTSD (which I had never heard of before), I started researching about the condition. I was desperate for information and answers.

I was shocked; I was astonished to find that the information on the internet read like it had been written about me. I could see myself in every word on every page! My heart stopped beating; there was no blood in my veins, as the words exploded in my brain.

The meaning of the definition above sums up the effects of C-PTSD fo me. 'My person in its entirety has changed'. To me this means I am not the person I was supposed to be: I am not the person I was born to be. Well ****, that's just ******* great! So who's going to fix me? What type of cure does one seek out for this? Who is going to remedy all the havoc that has occurred over the years.  The lost family and damaged relationships that I have caused, and estrangements that we have all suffered throughout the time. What treatment is going to rid me of my addiction to alcohol. If my persona has been transformed, then what the **** is my real persona supposed to look like? Perhaps I would have been a better mother to my children? A better friend, a better partner. I have been robbed through my trauma as a child... my innocent soul was stolen! No wonder I had trouble relating to myself all my life! I was condemned to a life not my own!
Would anyone else like to share how they felt when they were first diagnosed?
Glad to be on board
Ayisha