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Messages - notalone

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1
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Bad EF
« on: June 19, 2021, 04:03:09 PM »
I've had bad reactions to meds too. Glad you recognized that medication was exacerbating your feelings. It sounds like a really difficult place you were in. I'm glad that you are no longer in the storm.

2
Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: June 19, 2021, 03:57:55 PM »
She called back after 18 min. She often does this and I know it is a silly boundary and I should have answered, but this is actually on her. I would not do this with anyone else. And she tries to break every boundary which makes me want to erect more and stick with even unimportant ones like this one.

I don't think that it's a silly boundary at all. You know the games she plays. And as you stated, you wouldn't do that with someone else, but you know her manipulations. Good job.

3
Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: June 19, 2021, 03:43:41 PM »
Libby, thanks for stopping in and reading some pages from my journal and for taking the time to reply. I have been reading your journal also and am sorry for all the pain you have been experiencing with your late H and your children.

Right now I am only working one day a week, so I don't know that I'm really "holding down a job." Looking for a FT job is super stressful to me. I only work on little bits of my resume at a time and it usually causes me to have heightened stress for the rest of the day. The thought of working FT seems impossible. I'm trying to go one step at a time; although I'm only semi-successful at that. The weight of that is always on me, sometimes heavier than others.

It was such an empty, lonely marriage. . . Never any conflict, never any connection.
Your words are an apt description of marriage to someone with avoidant personality. I think my H and I may have had 5 serious arguments in 25 years. Those usually ended in him walking out of the room with me in mid-sentence. No connection, no resolution. Last fall my T told me he was avoidant. I looked it up online and it really opened my eyes. I have experienced guilt, frustration, hurt. Living with someone who is avoidant can be crazy-making. Now that I know that he is avoidant and what that means, I am spending less energy knocking my head against a brick wall (trying for intimacy) and realizing that there is a reason for what I was feeling and I'm not crazy. I wish I could completely let go of hope of intimacy, but that's a tough one.

Thank you for being brave enough to talk about your marriage and husband. You have helped me so much.
I really appreciate you saying that because I have guilt when I talk about him. I'm realizing that my hope of connection and working on things is a false hope. I need to figure out how to live in this. Part of that is getting support here.




4
Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: June 19, 2021, 03:04:28 PM »
Good to hear from you, Tee. Glad you are enjoying your puppy.

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: June 18, 2021, 11:55:02 PM »
Rainydiary, it is hard to feel alone in a marriage. I'm sorry that you experience that also. I am grateful for your support.

Armadillo, thank you for your compassion. Yes, it is painful. No apologies needed for suggesting that I tell my H how I feel. I don't expect you to know all the dynamics in my life. Your words were out of care and good intentions.

6
Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: June 18, 2021, 09:05:37 PM »
Armadillo,
I'm glad you were able to let some tears out.

I can tell by the way you respond to others on OOTS and by the compassionate way you have responded to me; you are a good, kind, patient person. You are a good, kind, patient person with boundaries. There will be people involved with your mother who don't understand the full situation and who may have judgements about you. I'm sorry about that. But they don't know the full story. You still get to do the best job you can of taking care of yourself and your H and daughter.

It makes sense that you are on edge, not knowing when the next phone call will come. Would it help if you had possible answers for her and possible answers for the medical staff? Maybe that would diminish the trapped and triggered feelings. For example: "I'm sorry that I can't bring you to that appointment, I have another commitment." [No need to mention that the commitment is taking care of yourself. Sorry if this is unwanted advise. If not helpful, just ignore. I don't want to add pressure to your already stressful life.

7
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« on: June 18, 2021, 02:27:18 PM »
 :grouphug: I care about you.

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: June 18, 2021, 02:24:33 PM »
Hope, thank you for the hug. I am hugging you back.  :hug:

Stuff
My marriage is soooo empty. My H is now home 4 days a week. Our very little superficial communication and mostly silence is deafening. The ALONENESS in that relationship is a big crater in my heart. Sometimes I just feel like screaming, not in anger, but in pain. From what I read and what my therapist said, I need to grieve and live my life. Is feeling this aching chasm that I feel grieving?

I have been feeling the pain of my H having Avoidant Personality a lot the last couple of days. It is often worse when there is a family or social event. Since I have given up on closeness, for the most part, we are apart physically; he in one room and me in another. When there is an event we are together and the emotional distance screams at me.

"The Avoidant Partner can and will prevent the development of a real life-giving marriage. They nurture the appearance but deny the love reality of marriage. To the undiscerning their home is so very peaceful. In the spirit the home is the tomb/womb of the avoidant. It is a hiding place, a retreat, and the peace is not life-giving to the inhabitants. To the visitor all is well. From the outside all is well. Ill health and death linger in the halls where love has not been allowed to settle."     https://www.christian-marriage-counselling.com/avoidant-personality-and-marriage.html

The pain of having a very shallow relationship with my spouse is enourmous. My T has told me that he creates pain for those in his life, but he is not in pain. He is very content in his cave.

Living with the pretense of everything being okay is so much like childhood; part time living in h*ll and the rest of the time acting like everything is normal. I hate it and the dichotomy is crazy-making.

I haven't figured out how to live with this. Please do not suggest that I talk to him. I tried that for over two decades. From what I've learned about avoidant personality, attempts at realness and working toward intimacy only cause the avoidant person to erect another wall.


9
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: 1, 2, 3!
« on: June 18, 2021, 03:56:18 AM »
Accomplishment:
Today I went to a real grocery store, by my self, for the first time in over 10 years. Even before that I barely ever went to the grocery store. I also asked a couple of employees where to find things, and it went well!

That is a HUGE accomplishment.  :cheer:

10
Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: June 18, 2021, 03:48:42 AM »
Bach, I'm glad you are resting and giving yourself permission for a long, slow recovery.

Middle B., I know how difficult it can be when it is time to sleep. Sounds like you had a lot of really big feelings. I know how scary and hard that is.

11
Sexual Abuse / Re: Therapist used the word. . . TW
« on: June 17, 2021, 09:03:20 PM »
I am a person.
I am a person.
I am a person.
I am a person.


That's what my therapist told me today. I've partly looked at myself as an object, because that's how I was treated. I was just a thing to be used. He (T) said I am a person. When I got home, I laid down for a bit with the weighted blanket over me. I kept saying it to myself over and over. Maybe to those of you reading this, that seems, "duh, obvious," but not to me. To me it is "hmm. Wow. I wonder. . ."

I have talked to my T for three sessions about what happened to me. Today for the first time, only for a few minutes, I was able to look at him.

From,
13/14-year-old



12
Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: June 17, 2021, 03:00:19 AM »
How are you doing, Tee?

13
Introductory Post / Re: Gidday from NZ
« on: June 17, 2021, 02:27:49 AM »
 :thumbup:

14
Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: June 17, 2021, 02:25:11 AM »
 :grouphug:   Bach, I read your entire post. You have so many thoughts and feelings, so much that you are holding now. Sending care to you.

15
Introductory Post / Re: Hello Everyone, new here. Possible TW
« on: June 17, 2021, 02:10:27 AM »
I struggle with binge eating too. I don't have tips on healing from that. For me, I think the main issue is cPTSD. Binge eating is a way, although unhealthy, to bring some relief from the cPTSD symptoms.

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