Messages

my focus here changed as well.  there were times when i would stop responding for days, or only do spot checks of what i was interested in.  it kept changing and continues to change.  my attitude toward the forum has also changed in some ways - it's not so much a crutch now as before.  still, i'm grateful it was here and that all these wonderful people accepted me in my diverse hours and levels of need.

one of the beauties of this forum, to my mind, is its very openness to be whatever we need it to be for us.  like with therapy, we go thru phases, learn about ourselves, and lean on therapy and our t's differently as time goes by.  this forum is for you, s&b, for whatever, and whenever you want.

sanmagic7, thank you for your words. I can absolutely confirm what you say about the forum.

Thank you, Hope67 
I think, for a while, I may be reading mostly, not writing much in the forum.
It feels right that way at the moment.
I did a lot of work lately. Now I find myself on a kind of platform, and I just want to stay on the platform for a while, before I continue working on my further recovery.
Thank you all so far, I'm so glad that this place exists! 

Welcome to the forum, Windsoar.  Glad you found us.

Thank you for sharing your anger, it feels powerful and it makes so much sense. Thank you for being angry for us, too. It is like sending out love to us.


"Denial and self invalidation resulting in emptiness and no idea of self."
You were not sounding dramatic, it was a relief to me to hear your words because they describe exactly what I have to deal with.

I hear you and send you a 
I hope this night will be better.

Good luck from me to. I'm thinking of you 

Thank you SharpAndBlunt and sanmagic7!   
sanmagic7, You're right, I am in danger to get carried away a bit in such times...  i'll try to give myself rest, for example today I'm just sitting on my sofa watching television. I also have some special medical treatments scheduled in the next weeks. I'm thinking about postponing them because they are not urgent. I know myself and I will need time to adjust to the new things in my life. Yes, I think I'll do that.

Congratulation holidayay 

I got the prescription for the occupational therapy from my GP. She was so nice and understanding and told me, if I needed another prescription after that one, she would give me one. She said, it may be helpful to me to have that therapy for a longer time. I was nearly speechless!
Yesterday I was at the church choir rehearsal and it was very exciting but also very good. This is the first time in many years that I dared try to go to a group of people, and many things in me must have changed since then, it felt so different. I think I know who I am now and can authentically just be there. I've also noticed that I don't need those narcissistic defenses of mine any more such as feeling special and superior. That was a big part of me for many years.
I was completely exhausted afterwards and couldn't regulate my feelings so in the end I took medication to find some sleep. But that's ok. I didn't harm myself which is a progress.
So I am on a good way and feel  today.

Hello,
welcome here. 

I feel it's my breath I'm breathing, it feels warm and calm and it fills me up and it's mine.

dear bluepalm, this really moves me, thank you for sharing!

I am learning to sit and just be, too. I am making progress there but still have problems with my breath, but I hope someday I can feel what you feel now.

Hi jedi_giraffe, welcome here. I'm glad you found this forum in this dark time.
I can feel your fear of losing him as he is so important to you also as your best friend. This must be a horrible experience.  When you can see clearly how you were to him because of your trauma and can't change the past. 
However, he is still there, and there seem to be a lot of good things and a deep bond between you.
I hope that you both can find a place from which to build this emotional safety.
Well, in my marriage (we trigger each other with our problems, too, sometimes) we established a time when each of us has equal time to talk about our feelings.
And when I realize I am triggering him (showing strong emotions causes him to fall into depression and helplessness, which is in effect a form of withdrawal, too), I have to deal with those feelings on my own, in my room, until it is safe for him to be with me again. So, when the first wave of feeling comes, I turn to myself and only come back, when the pain has subsided a little.
Knowing that I will not overwhelm him every other moment gave him a sense of safety and allowed him to stabilize more.

Hi TunnelEyes, and welcome to the forum.

if you're both searching for healing, together and separately, it can work imo. As long as you're both safe, and learning from mistakes.

I agree with Three Roses on that.
My husband and I have both cptsd although with him it's a milder form. We are very happy together even though we separately have big problems to deal with. Certainly, sometimes its hard to not get "infected" when the other has a very hard time. But overall, we just "fit" perfectly as a couple ( I had loads of short relationships with "healthier"  boyfriends before and it never worked).
I know that this may be rare luck. But you can just find out by trying, in my opinion.

Thank you! 

Dear sanmagic7, thank you for your reply. It's good to know that you know what I speak of. Yeah, those old experiences... 

Last Friday I was there the second time, and it was so good. The woman is no expert in weaving, so there's no reason for me to be afraid of her. She's very nice and doesn't trigger anything. So I'm confident that the therapy will be a big help for me.