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Thank you all for the responses. I appreciate them all.  I have been talking with my therapists for a while now. He noticed that I tend to be fixated on negative things in my life. and it made me wonder, am i even able to stop obsessing on negative things that impact on e.  also, a few of you commented that C-PTSD can be healed and improved so it will have less impact on a sufferer who has it.  It made me wonder, how do I heal and improve if I continue to be in a situation where I am constantly triggered ie: at work (High stress is a trigger, angry boss is a trigger, disciplinary warning will trigger as well)  Up until now, I have always tried to maintain a low trigger situation in almost every job I worked at. but sometimes i cannot avoid it. Right now, I am at a very low point emotionally because of something that happened at work that triggered me, it was very stressful combined with a request for an earlier delivery, combined with my frustration of a damaged part on a van which caused me to take the initiative to remove said damaged part so it will not harm me while working, all caused my boss to write me up and say that the written up note will be on my record that my boss warned me of my "infraction" while at work.  It made me wonder how is it possible for a person like me who suffer often with c-ptsd triggers at work, with family of origins, with life in general sometimes, can ever get healed and improve my outlook and improve my life for the better.

Thank you for reading and thanks again for all the support.

Silence.

(Trigger warning, maybe, related to flashbacks, and verbal abuse, and self hate)

Hey folks,

Covid seems to have quieted down to the point that I finally now have the freedom to go about do my business without having to deal with all that restrictions. You may think I m selfish, but no, its because I am deaf and rely heavily on my ability to see the whole face to be able to understand what people are saying to me, but with the masks on, I can only see half of the face, and it cause me frustrations in my inability to understand people. anyway, recently I had a bad incident at work, and it made me realize that I am not yet recovered from the flashbacks.  I purchased a book called "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker, and I just started to read it. and so far, its very eye opening, because some of the things he described is what I am experiencing to a T. It also mention that sometimes people experience Emotional Flashback and it will take a long time to finally get back to a semblance of normalcy.  After careful research on various different psychological issues, I now have determined that yes, I do have C-PTSD because even after decades of the source of my traumatic event, I still struggle with myself, my ability to handle sudden surprise stressful event, my ability to handle people getting angry at me, my ability to handle my boss giving me an ultimatum, my ability to handle my supervisor constantly asking me questions, and my constant negative thoughts and negative self talk.  But in case you all are concerned, don't be. I already have a regular counsellor who is helping me, he is great, very helpful, and he would suggest me some work where I would try to do work (supposed to help me improve) and he would listen to me when I need to express, and he would give me advice.  Sometimes I feel bad because I don't get better and "I don't need counselling anymore" because its always something that triggers me, be it my siblings, or my boss, or the weather, or whatever. I often wonder will I forever experience this C-PTSD or will I ever get this resolved and get some sense of normal life again? who knows. anyway. thanks for reading, and thanks for any advices you give. I am glad to be part of this community.

Silence.

Hi all,

Recently I had an episode, note: unable to control work situation is a form of trigger for me, and this happened at work.  I had to do deliveries and on that day there were a snow storm which dumped a large amount of snow. It was anxiety inducing and I was struggling to finish my work until the point that I shut down half way. so I told my boss I am done. 
Next day, my boss told me that I had to think outside the box and be able to look for other ways to complete my deliveries.  It made me wonder... do people who have C-PTSD have trouble thinking rationally/logically when they are having an episode?  Because when he mentioned that, I was stunned, and immediately thought that I couldn't even think about completing my deliveries when I am going crazy trying to get myself unstuck..

so, when people who have c-ptsd episode, are they able to still think logically and rationally and be able to look at their jobs and complete it?

Suffering

Thank you dream for sharing.
As a teenager I worked very hard to be the "peace maker" trying my best to make sure my mom was calm, and happy. It only took me when I enrolled into University to make me aware of what was missing in my life. When I was in university, i was happy to make new friends, but at the same time, absolutely clueless on what goals and ambitions do I have for career planning and stuff because I spent so long focusing on others but never on myself, spent so long on being detached and numb, escaping through reading books, riding my bicycle.  It took me a long time to finally deduce that I have the symptoms of CPTSD.  I have seen some videos that says that CPTSD can be resolved and healed. But I sometime wonder, can it?

Silence

Hi.
This is something that I was told by a counsellor and I was taken aback because I didn't think it was the main reason.  I remember myself always going out for bike rides for hours and hours, just to escape the family dysfunction. It got so bad, that when I got opportunity to go to university (it was 3,000 miles away) I took it and went. When I was in university I had a sibling who got mad at me because I simply forgot to keep in touch.  I returned back because I don't know. I felt the need to go back home. but then the dysfunction was so bad, that I decided to find a job in another town about 4 hours away. I returned back to my family, only to discover nothing have changed. so I decided to move away, then I moved further away, then further away, until I decided to move out 3 hours away. It was then i decided to start NC with my Mom after a really bad argument that was triggering to me.   My counsellor told me that it was my way of subconsciously trying to set up boundaries to separate myself from my FOO's dysfunction by moving away farther away.  Have anyone experienced the same as what I experienced?    Now I find myself feeling a little bit ashamed for letting my NC go on for so long because I see my siblings cheerfully contacting my mom, while I am still filled with dread and anxiety when I am even mulling the thought of contacting her.

Silence

Hey, 
I've read many topics and seems there are very few topics related to male sufferers of bullying or abuse. so I am going to share my story.   I was raised in a christian household, so I endured a very harsh upbringing, then I also endured bullying at school because I did not fit the normal "stereotype" of a male. I loved reading books, loved watching movies, loved solo sports. and in school those things are not normal.  I developed a serious case of survivor or emotional numbness when I reached teenager because the situation at home became more harder. To me, school was my escape, even with bullying at school. but how do you deal with verbal abuse at home, and bullying at school.  Naturally, I escaped by becoming more immersed in reading books, and using my bicycle as a form of stress relief. During my teen years, I would ride my bicycle every single day, for hours, and every single day, I would try to go as fast as I could. I had a speedometer on my bicycle, so I would cycle one day at 28 mph, or 44 kph, then the next day I would try to beat that record. I managed to reach 34 mph or 54 kph, by the time I graduated from high school. I was given an opportunity to escape my family, when an university accepted my application and it was on the other side of the country. I lived in the west, so this university was in the east coast. so I took it. went there. It was then that I realized I had no goals, no ambitions, no identity. I dropped out because I needed to focus on developing myself to decide goals and stuff.  Flash forward 20 years later, after enduring jobs and jobs, and changes of jobs, and moving farther away from my FOO, and trying to figure out what is my goals, what is my passion, I finally decide to see a counsellor because of a situation at work and I realized it was not normal for me to react that way. 

anyway...I still struggle with triggers caused by people who are around me, ie my boss, someone who work with me, social media, etc, and I still struggle with my goals and identity, however I am slowly reaching my identity and I am content that I have a safe group of friends that I can enjoy outing with, but I am still struggling with jobs and goals and ambitions. I just learned more about CPTSD and suspect I do have it because I keep getting triggered by things that normal people wouldn't get triggered, I am always keeping things on the "straight and narrow" so that things don't go chaotic on me, I tend to be vigilant to the point that it is considered not normal for example, refusing to sit at a table with people behind me.

Anyway, sorry for the long story, but its my story.  I hope this story will help people know they are not alone because I do know male tend to be alone and suffer in silence for years and years, and we need to break that stigma that male never suffer, male are supposed to be strong and tough, but male do have inner emotional turmoil that sometimes overspill in bad ways, and I hope this will be a safe place for people to talk about it and feel supported.

Silence.

Trigger warning.    well, you're not the only one.  I don't get triggered when wearing masks, but my anxiety get too high, and sometimes being constantly reminded and "scolded" and being told to wear masks, makes my anxiety get too high, and I have to withdraw and go into isolation (usually get in my car, and go out of the city, and drive alone in the countryside. it helps me get down from my intense anxiety).   what Triggers me is how people are suddenly becoming " mom" and telling me what to do, sometimes being "grumpy" and saying you have to....

Im going to keep this short. all righty.

Stay strong, stay positive, and "stop and smell the roses" choose an item or thing that gives you enjoyment, and do it, that way it will help you kind of forget the chaotic world.

Silence

I was reading these posts, and found myself mildly triggered. so it will be hard for me to type this post.  I do have several that I can't think of now. but the main one that I find myself always triggered often.

M
people in authority being angry directing their anger towards me
people who criticize my work and respond in anger
when tasks that I have to do gets out of control or overwhelming ie: too much work
things that are unknown for example, planning for a trip.

I did go on a month long trip, It was my way of trying to get out of my comfort zone, in the end, I am pleased to say i did enjoy myself a lot, and I was fortunate to have a friend along with me, as he was the one who help prepare and make sure things are going smoothly. I don't know if I was able to do it all by myself.  like they say, "a journey begins with a single step." so that trip was my way to see just how far I can go. and soon i will attempt a shorter trip on my own, closer to home.

I do have many other triggers but right now, I am drawing a blank.

Silence

for me, other people might not agree, but when I am triggered, I experience EF in the type where I suddenly become quiet, subservient, and non talkative. it happens when someone in authority gets angry at me directly.   That is one form of EF.  There are many other types of flashbacks, touch, sounds, feeling, people's tone of voice, smell. they all can trigger EF. 

I do have other reactions to stress levels like having out of control emotional reaction, in my case, angry outburst.

It takes me a while to get back to normal. when I am quiet and subservient, I can quickly slightly get back to normal once I remove myself out of that circumstance with a person of authority. but for my angry outburst, it takes me a very long time to get back to normal. its a wild swing of a pendulum from being very angry, then back down to having a deep cry, then having to try to calm down by listening to some nice music that lifts me up, it takes me about 2 to 3 hours to finally be calm enough to enjoy life once again.

So those are what I go through.  It doesn't happen too frequently as I try my best to maintain a routine that help me to stay steady in my emotional range, and avoid circumstances that will trigger. but sometimes its unavoidable.

Here in OOTS, everyone have something to share, and are supportive. and I am glad for that.

Silence.

I was watching a video clip about PTSD and Complex PTSD, and it mentioned that meditation is very difficult for people who have PTSD and C-PTSD mainly because of their constant hypervigilance, and not feeling safe.  It made me wonder how many people have struggled with this "suggestion" that we meditate and communicate with our Inner child, when we do not feel safe enough to sit there quietly and close our eyes and meditate. I find that when I close my eyes and attempt to meditate, my mind start going mile a minute racing, and my body start to feel tense, not relaxed. so its not helpful as I know that to meditate, I have to be calm, breathe steady and relax.  I also wonder does this affect the emdr therapy?

Just wondering,

Silence.

Sigh.... This COVID 19  is hard on me.  one of my way of coping or healing is to enjoy some time with friends and going out for fun. It is a way for me to develop healthy relationship and to have better trust in people, as one of my biggest issue is my inability to trust people, especially of the opposite sex. But this covid 19 is causing me to become pretty much a hermit, withdrawn, isolated, prefer to be alone, and when things become too much (I live in city and have to go do some errands to buy groceries and stuff), I would just get in my car and drive away into the country side.  I miss having healthy outing with my friends and having fun face to face. 

There is a lot of things that I cannot remember, but am surprised with a family or childhood friend bring up that memory to me, because I simply cannot remember it at all.  Learning a lot about C-PTSD made me wonder about it a lot.  Of the symptoms list, I do say yes to almost all of them, but the funny thing is that some of the symptoms I don't have at all because I spent most of my teen years numb and disassociated, and deeply supression of my emotions to the point of being robotic. Biking is my stress relief, and I would ride my bicycle daily to the point of insanity.

Do people find it hard to heal or improve, resolve their issues with this C-PTSD?  I find myself sometimes triggered at work. and sometimes find myself stuck in a loop, unable to move ahead and go on the next step.  I do remember one time my therapist was frustrated at me about my being stuck, she told me that she think that she should end the sessions with me because its not helping me at all, and to my surprise, that triggered me so badly. she continued to provide session for a few more weeks, then once again, she triggered my emotions inadvertently, and I just said enough is enough, and refused to continue sessions with her. Did I make a mistake in that, or should i have soldiered through?

Just typing out my thoughts and questions.

Silence.

To clarify, school and exams, I had to go see a therapist for a while to build up, or break down fears related to rocking the boat or making changes to routine. and I did enroll in college, I did enjoy it, had a few episodes but managed it. but what really surprised me is that after I completed college, I was told that I still have to take a governmental exam in order to become licensed, and I have to pay for it. I became triggered and freaked out, because during college, I was often told this phrase "be careful, if you make a mistake on this part, you will fail" and eventually after 2 years, I believed it, and was unable to take the licensing exam. 

I found it very easy to set up a routine, something I can control. but I have been triggered often over things that i cannot control, and eventually I had to ask my boss to change that part so that I will not be constantly triggered.  as for numbness, I was numb in high school, spent most of my high school numb, but did very good at courses, was top of my grades because to be honest, i was afraid of my FOO to do badly in school.

It took me years to figure out whats wrong, why am I easily triggered at work, even with friends, and even with my FOO. that eventually I did finally see a therapist to help me find out whats wrong. and she helped me figure out that I was suffering from disassociation and other things.  She help me work on it, but I am finding out that I still suffer from emotional out of control when I am triggered, and others.

I did try to talk to a trusted friend, but he did not believe that I have C-PTSD, mainly because of the military connotion related to PTSD, and I have never been in the military.  Thats why I came on this page to have healthy and safe discussion to help me understand my journey and to help me deal and heal from my myriad of issues.

Suffering in silence.

oh and one more question, I've noticed a common theme, Majority of C-PTSD sufferers are women, and it made me wonder do men suffer from C-PTSD too?

Hi,

I know its been a long time. I have been doing research on C-PTSD, various vlogs on that topic, disassociation, disregulation, etc etc.  It is a way for me to better understand it, and understand what I am going through.  But I do have questions that the vlogs and websites seems not to answer.  How do C-PTSD react in terms of school/examinations? What kind of emotional control do C-PTSD have? Can a person with C-PTSD completely supress their emotion to the point of being cold and logical like a Vulcan?
I do remember being addicted to bicycling as a way for me to vent my emotions, but I am wondering has it affected my C-PTSD or not.

Those are the questions that I would like to have answered if possible, if not. thats fine.

Hope you guys can help me out here.
Suffering in silence.

When i read those posts, I am saddened, not because of everyone's experience, but because of my own experience. i remember using escapism to escape my trauma daily,What I used was always withdrawing and shut myself up in my room, listen to music, read books for hours (during winter) and in the summer, I would just hop on my bike and go for a bike ride, of course maniacally, Every day I would try to surpass my max speed on my bike.  Later on in life I came to a realization that the bike ride was my way of hastening my mental blank because when I became older, i continue that practice but I would go to the gym to exercise after a bad day at work or a very stressful day at work. And I would cycle for half an hour, and lift weights for an hour. then I would feel better.

Anyway, i can understand what everyone go through as I also went through the same, Absent father, even though he was there, domineering Mother which I often experienced verbal anger and emotional outburst. and my growing up always afraid and trying my best to stay the "dutiful son" and keeping my emotion calm and my face stone-faced so that I will not experience more anger.

Anyway, Eventually I did finally manage to see a therapist, and she explained what I went through and subconsciously I would do things that was my own way of trying to set boundaries... IE: riding my bike for hours and hours, or keeping myself isolated and reading books, or in my older time of life, moving farther away from my FOO.

Anyway, just know that you aren't the only one who suffer, or has a lot to say that sometimes others can't understand.  We are all the same or has similar stories to experience, and probably provide some  support or a shoulder to lend for a hug.

S