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Messages - Bach

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notalone, how wonderful that you were able to understand what you need and to recognise that your needs are important. You were fair to yourself and the Parts, and made a decision based on kindness and self-care. I'm so proud of you!  :applause: :hug: :grouphug:

My relationships are unconventional. I have a husband who is lovely and is my best friend but who is more or less asexual. I am very sexual but historically my romantic/sexual relationships were with people with whom I shared passionate love and intense attraction but with whom I had a great deal of trouble getting along in the day to day. Looking back I now understand that, like nearly everyone else I've ever had a close friendship with, these people were all trauma sufferers even if we didn't know it at the time. So when I started dating my husband, a lovely guy who knew tremendous hardship in his life after the age of 11 when his dad lost his job, but had an excellent stable loving foundation up to that point and thus developed into a man capable of empathy and understanding but NOT traumatised, it was such a relief to have an emotionally stable and reliable partner that I tried to ignore the sexual issues. Eventually, though, they were too much and I started seeing someone else, but my husband did not want to break up, and the person I was seeing had a history and circumstances similar to mine, and was neither available nor especially suitable to become my full-time partner. So I stayed with my husband with the agreement that I would discreetly but honestly continue my relationship with my other. It sounds crazy to most people but it has worked well for all of us for many years. It isn't perfect or what I would have consciously sought but I feel fortunate to have found a manageable situation.

Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: June 04, 2020, 12:49:44 AM »
I'm smoking too much weed again.  I had an insight yesterday that when I'm feeling the urge to smoke at excessive or inappropriate times, it has something to do with the children.  I've noticed that sometimes I don't hear them until I smoke weed, and I'm wondering whether I could find a way to interrupt the process that sends me off to regrettable puffs that I don't need by communicating with them somehow.  The medicine works so much better when I'm able to moderate, but that's not something I've ever been good at. 

Help me, kids, help me!  Middle B?  Any of you!

Thank you for your understanding and support, notalone, Jazzy and Three Roses  :hug: :grouphug:  I'm glad to tell you that my picnic with my brother turned out well.  It was a hard day in terms of being around things that were incidentally triggering, like people doing park maintenance with loud buzzy tools that made anxiety-provoking noises around where we ate lunch, and then someone setting off firecrackers somewhere near where we were taking a walk after lunch, but I was able to talk the children through the triggers.  Also, I've realised that not only does my brother not mind if I set boundaries around things that cause me difficulty, he actually prefers it.  He told me that he understands that I am in pain nearly all the time and that because of it I have a great deal of difficulty navigating my life and that it doesn't make him angry or upset with me if I'm in pain, but that it can be hard to deal with when he doesn't know how he can help.  So if I tell him "I can't handle discussing that today, let's find something else to talk about," he's not going to feel that I'm silencing him, but rather that I am giving him a welcome opportunity to take care of me.  So that's good. 

Trigger warning:  Current events as related to childhood trauma.  Text in white.
The current situation with the racial violence is highly triggering to me.  Everything about it touches on big scary fears that I think belong to Baby B, another inner I have become aware of.  She's around 3 to 4 years old.  Back then, my parents were still together.  They would fight all the time.  My father would throw things.  He would also storm out, slamming the door.  I don't remember very much from then, a few things here and there that possibly aren't even my own memories, but I can put together a pretty good sense of why angry people having violent conflict is so frightening even when it's not directly threatening me.  Also, because I as an adult know that I will never have to worry that what happened to George Floyd will happen to me, until yesterday when I mentioned it here, it did not occur to me that the children have been identifying with him as a victim.  Asphyxiation caused by the deliberate aggressive act of another person.  I know of twice that my mother did it to me, and once that my grandmother did.  It would not surprise me if there were other times when something like that was done to me, but even if there weren't, three times is certainly enough to explain a sensitivity I might have to this situation.  Baby B witnesses violent conflict.  A person who should have protected her storms out and leaves her alone with a person who might strangle her.  There may or may not be direct connections in my personal history between violent conflict and incidents of asphyxiation or other abuse, but it's easy enough to understand how Baby B might have learned to fear for her life in response to violent conflict. It's all mixed up together into a debilitating trauma stew.

Yesterday turned out to be very helpful even though it was difficult and exhausting.  Triggers big and small that were coming at me from all directions, and yet still I managed everything and took responsible care of myself and my parts so that I could get something good out of what otherwise might have turned into a fiasco of an outing that would have made me ill.  Today I am exhausted and not especially functional, but much calmer and less overwhelmed.  I've done some important tasks and am not wishing I was dead.  So, onward and upward.

Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: June 02, 2020, 03:30:42 PM »
Hi, friends  :hug: :grouphug:  I really appreciate the support.  I'm just not doing well right now.  I'm wishing that my mother (trigger warning, text in white) had just killed me one of those times that she restricted my airway, instead of just messing around with it.  Hmm.  Maybe that bit of my sordid history is another element of why I'm so triggered by the stuff currently in the news.

I told my brother I'd have a socially distanced picnic lunch with him today.  I love my brother and I've missed him during this lockdown, but all he's going to want to talk about will be stuff that freaks me out.  I've promised myself a pain pill if I want one after I get back.

River Rabbit, it's not hard to do at all.  You don't have to write anything, just move a slider to rate how you're feeling about a set of things at various times during the day.  The questions are basically the same every time, and they send you a notification when it's time to answer.  I said that it annoys me because I'm not the best at rating my subjective and oft-shifting feelings on a simple quantitative scale, but I like the fact that I am helping people who are interested in helping people like us.  Also, doing a simple observation of my emotional state throughout the day without having to explain anything has been surprisingly helpful to me in navigating some difficult things I've been dealing with in the past few days since I signed up.  I had a very productive therapy session today after a few weeks of feeling frustratingly stalled, and impatient with trying to do therapy on the phone.  I would encourage anyone who is thinking about signing up to go ahead and do it.

I signed up for this.  It annoys me but I'm doing it anyway.

Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: May 29, 2020, 05:44:03 PM »
I can't with this life.  I was holding my own until that stupid gunshot incident last week, but since then each day is worse than the day before.  I wish I could go to sleep and just not wake up.

Checking Out / Re: Leaving
« on: May 27, 2020, 01:10:57 AM »
Best wishes, Sceal! It's encouraging to hear that you are in such a good place.  May it stay good, and get better  :grouphug:

Hi Part :wave: I don't know how to kill parts but sometimes I can make them go away by making up a little story about someplace nice they could be with someone they know is safe.  Then they won't bother me for a while.  If I don't have a story and I need them to leave me alone sometimes I can think about an interesting word to see what other words or sounds are in it, or see what it spells backwards and they leave me alone because they don't know how to play with words.

Letters of Recovery / Re: Letters To My Family
« on: May 23, 2020, 03:00:38 PM »
Notalone and Snowdrop, thank you for reading that. It means a lot to me.  :hug: :grouphug:

Here to let you know I've read and offer hugs  :grouphug: It's a really hard time right now, really scary. It will get better. I don't know when. Sending you love and good wishes for peace and cope.  :grouphug:

Letters of Recovery / Trigger Warning - Nightmare mother
« on: May 21, 2020, 10:52:03 PM »
Trigger warning, disturbing Mom stuff.  Text follows in white, highlight if you want to see it.

Dear Mom,

It's not just that I know what you did that I want to tell you.  I also want to tell you that I know what you FELT.  What you felt toward me.  Your resentment.  Your hostility.  I know that what you always wanted was for me to die.  You didn't want to have a daughter, you wanted to be a tragically bereaved mother.  You hated me and wanted me to die, and somehow I was supposed to be thankful that you were one eyelash saner than those mothers who murder their own children.  That you never went through with killing me was supposed to be enough.  And then you told yourself that you must not have been that terrible a mother since I never ended up killing myself!  You sorry excuse for a human.
 The deeply engrained part of me that is YOU that I still have not gotten rid of hates you and wants you to die now, and the rest of me is working on not feeling guilty about that.

&$%# you.


Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: May 21, 2020, 09:59:15 PM »
Hello friends  :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug:  Thank you for the response.  Today was almost a better day, but some things have been against me.  I was having anxiety but I also had some energy.  Getting my heart rate up sometimes helps with my anxiety, and the weather is beautiful today, so I went out for a walk with my Person, and for the first time in probably two weeks I felt that my spirits were lifting.  Then when we were walking by the cemetery in my town, there was a funeral going on.  I guess it must have been a military person who died because just as we walked by, three soldiers raised guns and fired them into the air.  Now, fortunately, we were looking right at them when they raised their guns, so I at least had a moment to register that the shots were coming, but even so the very loud sharp noise sent me into fight-or-flight.  Then they fired twice more.  The kids inside were freaking out, not only from the noise but also from the thought of how terrifying it would have been if we hadn't seen the soldiers and the gunshots sounds had come from nowhere.  I did my best to comfort and reassure them as my Person did his best to comfort and reassure me.  Mentally, of course, I knew that I was safe and that everything was okay, but those gunshots had wrought havoc with my adrenaline response, and from down deep in my mind where fear has lived wakeful ever since I was a little baby whose mother (potential trigger in white text follows)tried to suffocate her, the doom thoughts were rising.  In particular, the feeling was "It's a beautiful day, I am coping well, everything is fine, which means something terrible is about to happen."  I used my rational mind to deal with that as best I could.  Then on the street we met someone we know from the neighbourhood who we haven't seen in a long time, and had a pleasant (appropriately socially distanced) conversation, and I felt better again.  This was very good but then we had to stop at the grocery store, and by the time we were done with that and got home I was exhausted.  I should have realised that I was shaky and needed rest, but because I had spent the past hour or so wrangling myself and powering through, when my Person asked me to help him move a table, it didn't even occur to me to ask to wait until later.  Perhaps inevitably, I fell and hurt myself.  Not seriously, but enough to finish off completely the notion of a better day.  As if that wasn't bad enough, then I had to do a therapy session on the phone, and that has been a real struggle lately.  After that, we went to the garden center to get some greens to plant, but the place we went didn't have any.  Ugh. 

I had some good things planned for this afternoon that I was looking forward to, but it was all too much.  I need to rest.  I took something for the pains from the fall and now am putting my hope on the idea that this morning's positive energy was an indication that the funk I've been in is passing, and that tomorrow might be the good day that today almost was. 

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