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I do actually wonder if crying is actually a good useful thing to do, after I have been bottling everything up since then. No idea if it is admitting weakness. I don't know.

Actually feel sick as a dog, but everyone has been so accepting of me, and my miserable crap. Thank you, and I'm actually able to cry a bit.

One thing I will have to note, and it's important to me at least. My very first post, I was drinking heavily, which allowed me to write it I guess (some people will know how that goes) 

I misrepresented something. And I want to get it right.  The suicide day did not come two weeks after the breakdown. It was about (i'm not totally sure) a couple of years. 1976 for definite, whereas the nervous breakdown that led to the paranoid schizophrenia was I guess 1974. 

I have no way of knowing that date/year short of asking my father, and I'm not going to do that. I am so sorry, but these things matter to me.

Tears. I was scared to even look back on this forum, after writing down stuff that I have never in my life told people. Thank you all. I think I will find it difficult still to talk with people on here, but at least it may be a possibility. Very kind of you all

And I guess this is the only place in the whole world where I could say any of this. Don't want to seem like a moaner, but I am really struggling.

I don't actually know whether I am a real person. All of my feelings seem so fake. Because I find it so hard to know what I feel about anything. Of course I have moments of excitement. It really seems like I am  a facsimile.  This been going on all of my adult life. I am also drinking myself into an early grave. I  have a past of : a mother who suffered a nervous breakdown, which developed into paranoid schizophrenia. That day was really crap and frightening at 7 years old. One day that I hate to talk about 2 weeks after the breakdown. One day when she said go to your grandparents (across our town, way off  in the 70's)  So I did that. And came back to find her unresponsive. Suicide day. Called the ambulance, police etc. Too late
Father did his best. Eventually met a new person. Except they were  a vile nasty horrible violent abusive awful person. This went on for years. I don't want to seem like a moaner or a weak person, but I have been struggling with this all of my life since then. The abuse certainly made life a * of a lot worse. I'm sorry if this is a crap introduce post, but its the best I can do. I joined this group to hopefully find some kindred spirits