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Thank you all so much.
Getting it out, and having the validation i needed, i ended up seeking help, specific help that my doctor was happy to oblige with, and the scary, dark place is gone again.

Sometimes its just nice to feel understood. Made the difference for me. Thank you.



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Realized one thing ive been thru is banned topic. Im a widow. My husband is no longer by his own doing. He was found by his social worker.

My therapist was never supportive of the autism diagnosis. She swore up and down i still had bipolar. No, i was better after slowly going off the meds. She practically had a panic attack, made me promise to go to the E.R. if i felt too happy, or too anything. We butted heads over that, and its ultimately why i left seeing her. Funny thing is, she diagnosed the cptsd.

Ive managed to attain 11.5 yrs of sobriety, starting a singing career, but this pain is preventing me moving. It seems to be triggered from the death of a baby boy i was an honourary grandmother to. (Had a hysterectomy when i was 37 so will never have kids now) Tyson was going to call me Nana. 7 months old, and he died of SIDS. My husband commit suicide two and a half years ago, he had complex ptsd.

I had coffee with a well meaning friend who ive very quietly now cut off. She told me off in spades, how i need to suck it up, move on, pull my socks up. I cried in a public location, and she refused to let me defend myself. I felt so humiliated. Yeah, buh-bye. Sad thing is she has cptsd and aspergers too, but refuses to acknowledge either, so bullies her way thru life. Controlling, bossy, and um, no.

I have to be honest, this is a last ditch attempt to try anything. Im at the end of my strength. Something has to give. I dont want to die, but honestly, this hurt and constant denial of the severity of my hurt and pain.... its drained every ounce of happiness i had. I was coping, and then Tyson died a month ago, and i cannot get over it.

I feel like everybody i know has kicked me while im down, but theyre saying theyre there for me. I cant believe how many people treat me like im an idiot and expect me to just take it. I dont have any energy for a confrontation, so im just cutting people out of my life and not telling them.

Ive recently been betrayed by others who slandered me.

Why do people keep thinking this is ok, and that i will take it?

I am currently healing from a knee injury. It popped at a rehearsal and ive been in a leg brace for 3 weeks, still waiting for the mri, because the e.r. only xrayed it. I said it needs an mri, but the bipolar disorder is still in their chart so they pretty much dismissed it.

And i just had the 40 yr anniversary of my dads death, june 26. And one of my cats died the next day. Shortly after was when the knee went, and Tyson died the next day after the knee.

Its been one thing after another. I cant catch my breath.

New, obviously. Seriously struggling, hard to get compassion so decided to look for online support.

Started age 3ish, stepfather was an abusive sociopath who enjoyed terrorizing and beating me. Throughout my life, one person after another for, oh, 37 years. Misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, ive been rediagnosed as having aspergers. 15 years of medication that gave me symptoms of bipolar so they overmedicated me trying to make me well.

I Took myself off all the meds over several years, but the therapist i was seeing at the time wasnt thrilled. Ive been unmedicated for two years now, but its hitting me, the grief.

Im dying inside. There are no supports that i know of for people like me. I feel like i was wrongly imprisoned, set free without any coping skills. The degredation i suffered while medicated, the humiliation, I COULD HAVE HAD KIDS. Ive dealt with so much and im tired. Im sick and tired of the pain.

I cant find adequate professional help with compassion. This pain is drowning me.