Messages

 I'm so overwhelmed by such authentic, insightful and caring responses it's been a lot to process and made me ponder deeply on this.
How it seems to me is that this abandonment depression is not something in and of itself its more like a mixture (melange as Pete calls it) of all the unresolved "stuff" coming calling, being intensified by my prolonged isolation. Being abandoned by my family created all the fear, shame, loneliness etc. I think being so isolated is akin to that abandonment and therefore brings with it all those feelings/states.
For me it seems to be when hope leaves and I'm just existing, it's like death, I feel that's pretty much bottom of the barrel stuff for me.
I agree that patience and inner child work is key when I'm in this state and just any kind of self nurturing.
Wishing you all the very best.

 In Pete Walkers Surviving to thriving page. 249 he says the abandonment depression is the bottom layer healing obstacle, does anybody have experience of this or know how it shows itself?
He says it's covered over by fear and shame both of which I have being trying my best to process, I am now in utter isolation with nobody and nothing. The isolation itself is constantly triggering deep despair and hopelessness, a feeling of being defeated with nowhere left to go and every day is so difficult. Is that abandonment depression?
Am I labelling abandonment depression as loneliness?
It's so confusing because if it's just that I've been isolating for too long I should try to get out there and do something about being so alone but if it's abandonment depression then surely it's something I should be sitting with and trying to integrate.
Trauma is such chaos.

 My situation with my young son and his mother has brought up such immense feelings that I can't deal with and had to self medicate. It was rage and grief, hatred and hopelessness, Ive got in touch with my low self esteem that's always been covered up in bravado, I tried to feel through it but it just didn't get easier, I'm now going to try to ease into it again.
I realize now my hatred, rage and lack of freedom are being transferred from my mother onto my ex, I never realized I hated her so much and that my feelings of loss at my son moving away are from my own abandonment.
It's just so much at once, the feelings are terrifying and I'm triggered by the mere thought of my ex and what she might do next.
The only silver lining is that I know this is a re enactment that I have to grow from. It's so strange how these situations arise in the present so that we can look at and feel the past.

 Hi Woodsgnome, when you talk about your block that's exactly how I feel underneath my day to day self. I fit perfectly into the "lost child syndrome"  always worthless, lost, hopeless with smatterings of despair. Through my recovery process I've been able to stand up for myself and not take s**t from people and though its empowering I'm not making any friends, I just feel so different to other people, this came to a head the other day when I was in work and felt utterly rejected by all my work colleagues, this in turn set something in motion within me...I FELT that worthlessness and rejection I'd felt as a child, it was deep in my stomach and lasted all day. Though it was saddening it was also(strangely to say) quite pleasurable and comforting, I cried for myself.
I too felt like nothing can change but i believe with perseverance with self loving actions things slowly get better, not always in the way we expect but in how our soul knows best.
Lots of love to you and keep going.

 I know what you mean about extra unwanted stress, I myself was at a real low point in the depths of my emptiness looking for meaning due to my abandonment and being made to feel worth less when my sons narcissistic mother informed me she's moving away with him making contact very difficult. It was the last straw and for his sake I've decided to go for custody. It's been really hard. I've recently realized that whatever comes my way regarding stress is always translated (that's the best word I can think of to describe my meaning) through my body, ramping up my already over burdened fight/flight/freeze response. So instead of trying to deal with problems in my head which now feels like avoidance, I try to deal with it via body awareness, just sitting and being with the uncomfortable sensations. I've found this quite empowering, so with you saying about your legs ,chest and difficulty sleeping it reminds me of how I get. I feel my brain is telling me of a physical threat and responds like your saying.
I found a great video on Trauma release exercising which helped engage my nervous system. Its difficult to explain but now I can just sit doing body awareness and follow any sensations which might lead to twitching or unfamiliar body movements, these then sometimes lead to expressions of an emotion that wants to come out and can be quite liberating.
To me these days when I'm going insane coming back to my body often helps.

 Life has thrown another disaster my way at just the worst time when I was trying to explore my emptiness and search for something that might be me.
I've just been riding the wave and trying to hang on when yesterday for whatever reason, whether I was being more mindful or circumstances were different I just sat with it and discovered the stomach knotting mind obliterating sensation was fear itself. I FEEL FEAR. Yes, I've felt something I can identify and work with. So I've sat with it, going into it, my teeth started to chatter and legs started to shake as I pulled some weird faces, I actually felt that I'd expressed or integrated some of it as I was much more liberated that day. All my fear and anger wants to do is ATTATCH. It wants a host to lock onto but unfortunately that has just made me angry and fearful of others instead of just dealing with the sensation as it comes up.
This feeling that I've identified I believe is responsible for so much of my behaviour, I hope and pray this is a genuine move forward, I feel it today but don't have the opportunity to deal with it but at least I know what it is and that it's not going to destroy me.
To anybody who's read this, thankyou and I hope it made a bit of sense I just needed to get it out there.

I'm a freeze type and I've just unveiled the all encompassing power of my outer critic and it's hit me back now with full force.
I see now the pattern it uses to isolate and alienate me, all day as I drive around at work and talk to people it automatically zooms in on the minutest flaw that I percieve but not just people anything in the environment even the rain, treated as separate incidences they don't amount to much but over the course of a day, a week I see how I'm further pushed into my isolation and glad to get home and shut the world out, which then fuels my inner critic for being so alone.
I'm just taking faith in what Pete Walker says about the initial discovery of it and how it seems to flex it's muscles as awareness comes in because I'm struggling just to deal with people and I really don't like it.
I'm expletively calling my critic out now when it makes up its nonsense about others and I try to imagine their best qualities instead, see how it goes.
I've identified with this part of my disfunction for so long and it's made me feel like I'm a really bad person and pray that in time I come overcome and detach from it.
If you've made it this far thanks for reading and I wish you well.

 I'm here because I need to start reaching out to others more.
I was brought up by a covert narcissistic mother and codependent father, youngest of 3 I fell into the freeze type response not to be seen or heard.
I found out about 3 years ago I had c.p.t.s.d (not diagnosed) through reading Pete Walkers book, it opened the flood gates to my trauma recovery process. I've gone through stages of emotional turmoil ever since whilst also being grateful for the growth it has offered me.
I'm now being confronted by the size of my critic who I've totally identified with, I have no idea who "I" am. Being lost and loneliness are on most pages of my diary but I'm at the point where I'm being triggered by being alone, with no friends and a dysfunctional family I'm struggling and will hopefully gain some relief by using this site,
I wish you all well.