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Messages - Snowdrop

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1
The Cafe / Re: Photos: therapy animal (not for cptsd)
« on: March 19, 2021, 09:39:22 PM »
That's beautiful.

2
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: March 19, 2021, 06:36:17 PM »
I agree, Dollyvee, that anti-protest bill along with everything else is just :aaauuugh:. It looks like it's been pulled for the moment, which is something at least. :hug:

I went into a bit of a panicky EF yesterday evening. A car parked up outside our house for quite a long time with the lights on. It took me back to being stalked, and some parts were terrified. There's more I could say, but I can't right now.

3
Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: March 18, 2021, 07:26:01 PM »
Quote
In my childhood, someone's anger was dangerous. I'm sure my body/mind automatically responded with high alert and disruption.

Same here. I respond in that way too.

Quote
"You might have made a mistake in saying what you did. You're human. It's okay. It is very okay that you don't fit in with an avoidant system. SIL seemed angry at you when you arrived. She certainly seems much angrier. If she wanted to deal with that, it is her responsibility to approach you. Very unlikely that she will, but it is still on her. Even though she is very angry, you are not in danger from her. She will likely withdraw even further, but she will not hurt you."

When I read these words, I felt soothed. I felt parts calming down and feeling safe.
:grouphug:

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: March 16, 2021, 08:58:21 AM »
I hope you were able to sleep well, Notalone. I'm so glad therapy went well. :grouphug:

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: March 15, 2021, 08:43:54 PM »
Thank you, Notalone. :grouphug:

IFS journey.

I checked in with the teen parts protectors. They are still happy for me to work with her.

When I went to see the teen part, she was still very sleepy. She told me that she welcomed being able to relax and rest in safety, and wanted to continue sleeping for a bit longer. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her, and wrapped her in the soft duvet again.

6
Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: March 15, 2021, 02:50:49 PM »
I hope therapy goes well. Thinking of you. :grouphug:

7
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« on: March 15, 2021, 06:59:08 AM »
Thinking of you, Hope, and sending you a :hug:.

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: March 14, 2021, 08:32:53 PM »
It's been quite a hard week.

Early in the week, I was affected by the Meghan Markle interview. In particular, having mental health problems, not being heard, and being told she couldn't get help.

Then came the news about the woman who was killed. Lots of women shared their stories of abuse, violence, harassment. What happened to her could have happened to any of them. To my loved ones. To me. The shared stories helped me realise more that things that had happened to me weren't my fault, but the perpetrator's.

Then a friend asked for my help with something. I helped them, but doing so triggered the teen part I mentioned in my last few posts, and brought her to the front.

Then there was the vigil for the woman who was killed. I lit a candle for her at home and told her how sorry I was. She did nothing wrong. It could have happened to anyone. I saw images of violence from the vigil that shocked and angered me.

This evening I decided it was the right time to help the teen part.

=== IFS journey ===

I started off with the protector part that gave me a headache. The part said that it gave me a headache to distract me from the teen. It didn't like hurting me, but felt it had to. I thanked it, and asked what was it scared of? The teen part taking over, it said. It didn't want her feelings and experiences to overwhelm me. I explained I'm an adult now, and my Self. I could make sure she didn't overwhelm me. Instead, I could help her so she wasn't carrying those burdens any more. I asked the part if I could speak with the teen, and it agreed.

Next, I went through a similar thing with a dissociative protector part. It too wanted to keep the teen at a distance, but agreed to let me help her when it saw I was my Self.

Finally, I spoke with a part that was fearful of the teen part. That part agreed to let me speak to her as well.

After this, I went to the teen part. "You're here!" she cried. "You came!". I said yes, I'd come for her. I apologised for taking so long, but I hadn't known about her. But I was here now.

I witnessed the teen's feelings. She was in anguish and despair from everything she'd been through. The constant fear. So lonely. Having to protect people, but not having anyone to protect her. I let her cry and wail and scream.

When she was calmer, I asked about witnessing events. She showed me a lot of things. The key thing was her having to protect others from HB, which also led to self-sabotage and isolation.

I thanked her for sharing, and took her out into the countryside. I told her that the feeling of having to protect others at her expense was a burden that had been put on her which she didn't need to carry. She hadn't realised that she didn't have to carry it. I told her that it was ok to think of herself. Protect herself. And I was here now to protect her. After a lot of discussion, and with help from my Guide, the teen removed the heavy weights she'd been carrying and threw them in a pond.

After this she felt very tired so I took her to a place where she'd be safe, and tucked her up under a duvet.

===

Helping this part is very significant. I completely understand why she surfaced this week. And being aware of her in this way means that I can help and heal her.

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: March 13, 2021, 05:19:27 PM »
Well done, Tee! :cheer:
:bighug:

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: March 13, 2021, 02:25:58 PM »
Thank you for hearing that part, Notalone. :grouphug:

I had headaches yesterday after writing things relating to the part. This might be a protector part trying to distract me.

More stuff from the part which I'm putting here.

=== TW ===

When I was about 11 (making him 19), HB said that I'd destroyed his life. By being born. He hated me, wanted me dead. Looked into me with cold black eyes. Terror. HB had to live elsewhere for my safety. But he came back a few years later, and that destroyed my life. I was supposed to move away from home. And I couldn't leave M with HB in the house. He'd made threats. He had the weapon. I had to protect her. A part self-sabotaged me so I had to stay.

===

This teen part went through such a lot. Too much. I want her to know that I'm here. I'm sorry I wasn't there back then, but I'm here now. Here for her. She's not alone any more. I will protect her. She doesn't have to carry this weight.

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: March 12, 2021, 06:42:30 PM »
That's great news! Congratulations! :cheer:

12
Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: March 12, 2021, 02:10:54 PM »
I hear how hard it's been. Here's a big hug to help hold you together, and to say I care.
 :bighug:

I hope the new location goes well, and the puppy sounds great! :hug:

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: March 12, 2021, 09:27:02 AM »
Notalone :grouphug:

Thoughts/beliefs from a teenage part have surfaced. Putting them here until I have a chance to deal with properly.

=== TW  :Idunno: ===

Very very isolated. Had to keep people away who were possible threats, and had a very low threshold. HB had hit my friends. Made threats against my friends. Charmed other friends so they wouldn't believe me. I had to protect my friends, and could only do that by keeping them at a distance. I had to protect my friends by not being their friend :stars:. There was nobody there to protect me.

14
Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: March 12, 2021, 06:15:23 AM »
I feel so angry with that nurse. How could they! Someone in that role! :pissed:

15
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: March 11, 2021, 08:48:26 PM »
Notalone, thank you for sharing your anger on my behalf. It helped me to feel the anger, which helped the part. The 13 year old hears your words and appreciates them.

It is an awful situation to feel responsible for someone else's feelings and to feel like you did something wrong/something to cause those feelings, but you don't know what you did. It is a heavy, scary weight that I am familiar with.
It's :stars:, and I'm sorry you're familiar with it. You shouldn't have been put in that position and made to feel that way, which helps me recognise that I shouldn't have either. Thank you.

Dollyvee, when I read your words, I imagined the behaviour at my school written out in a school prospectus. It helped me to recognise how bad it was. Thank you.

=====

I went on an IFS journey this evening to help a couple of parts.

The first part was about 12. She was very frightened about speaking up about things or asking for help in case she got into trouble. In case it was seen as "telling tales", which she was told was wrong. She was told she had to make allowances for HB's behaviour, and this made her believe she had to make allowances for everyone's behaviour, no matter what.

I told her I was an adult now, and she should absolutely tell me if anything was wrong. She deserved to be heard and taken seriously. How she'd been treated was wrong.

I did over F telling her to make allowances by picturing him telling her that if ever anything was wrong, she could tell him. He cared about her and wanted to know. And if she couldn't tell him, she could tell M, or a teacher, and she'd get help. The part unburdened.

I also met with the protector part who tried to stop F being angry with me by looking for everything that might be wrong with me. She now realises that F was very wrong to put this on me. She said she was willing to give up looking for faults, and unburdened.

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