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My husband is so patient.   I met him at almost 30 and dating was a struggle until I met him.   I am not a fan of sex at all, I am learning through therapy that is not because it is a trigger to me but from being sexually abused and raped from ages 8-12 I think  of it as dirty.

I am hoping you are seeing a therapist.   I didn't start going until 6 months ago and it is life changing.   I will keep you in my prayers, please know you are worth something!  Hugs!

Hey Kizzie, thanks for asking.  I'm okay, doing a great job of "ignoring" things.  Still kind of hit a wall after Ketamine and tried EMDR again to get past the wall but it still isn't working.   My therapist just got trained in a newer therapy called LENS neurofeedback so we are going to try that.   I appreciate your support hugs to you all.

Hey everyone.  Sorry for being absent for the last month.   I have been trying so hard to convince myself I was okay and just needed to stay away from this amazing resource.   I did the Ketamine infusion about a month ago.   I did not like it.   I spent the whole time trying to get out of what it did to me.  It was scary and I felt alone.  My T felt horrible and wondered if he "oversold" it's benefits.  I told him no, that it was all o me.   I couldn't accept it for what it was.   I spent 4 years from the ages of 8-12 not having control over my body so he said it makes sense I fought so hard against it.   I was alone (the doctor checked in 3 times) and I was panicked.   We are going to try it again but he is going to be there.   I have complete trust in him and even though I have only been seeing him since August he immediately made me feel safe and I have progressed quickly and drastically.   30 years of avoidance and I am finally now dealing with it but I have been "cleaning out my closet" at a quick (safe for me) pace.   I am actually going to go back to school to become a victims advocate.   While my T said I am not ready to be a victims advocate, it will be safe to start school because it will take a couple of years to get another degree.

So in August I started therapy on the hopes of having EMDR.    I was told I was so disassociated that EMDR would not work.  We did talk therapy until my therapist felt I was ready and he did EMDR for the first time a few weeks ago.    After that we hit a plateau after I was triggerd and I began to disassociate again.    He suggested Ketamine since talk therapy and EMDR aren't really "working" and I have an appointment set for Saturday for a Ketamine infusion.    Has anyone done this?   Thoughts ?   I  am scared but excited....

No need to feel guilty!  Take care of yourself.   Sending you support.

Thanks SeekFreedom.   Prayers your way as well!  One day I hope I can try it but too disassociated.  I have been reading up on it and it seems to be extremely helpful to many.   I agree it seems scary but I know if I could do it I would definitely try it.

Thanks Feral Child.   I am not sure if I will be able to do EMDR, but your experience really makes me want to work towards not being too disassociated for it to be effective.  I have been reading online the profound success it has had on people and here you are confirming it.  Thank you for sharing and of course hugs are okay, I am sending you one back 

notalone, thanks for the reply.  Earlier this week we worked on a calm space, I was able to easily get there with my therapist there in the room asking me what I heard, what I felt, what I smelled, etc.   Not so easily when trying to do it my self later, but I am going to keep practicing.   I wish you success as you continue to also bring calm to your triggered body.   Lots of support from me.   

Audbod, I googled EMDR therapist and my city.   Found a few, I looked at websites and reviews if I could find one.   Picked the one that appelead to me and went from there.   Unfortunately after my second session he told me that I am so disassociated that if we did EMDR I would put up road blocks.   We have a lot of work to do.   I still think we can accomplish a lot and I appreciated his honesty.   

Hi Kizzie-

Thanks for the reply.   Yes, we are not doing the EMDR route, he said that I am so disassociated it will not work.    He asked that I email him if I ever need anything during the time between the sessions, so I did email him last night in the midst of the panic attack and apologized for bothering him.  He replied almost immediately and told me "to keep the emails coming"  I also emailed him this morning because I had another one this morning so he is very aware of what is going on.   

I am hoping to be able to learn some tools from him to control these things, never in my life has this ever happened.    I am trying all of the techniques, breathing, etc. but nothing seems to work, I guess I need "more practice"   I am deathly afraid of going on any medication.   About 20 years ago I was not feeling all that great so I went to my doctor.   He said what is wrong I said "I am tired"   his reply was I was only 22 you are too young to feel that way, gave me a depression test, told me I was mildly depressed and threw me on Celexa.   About 3 weeks later I came home took all of my Celexa and all of my prescription strength Ibuprofen ended up in ICU for 3 days and then the psych ward for a couple more days.    I am not sure what happened but was told one of the side effects of Celexa is suicidal thoughts or actual suicide. 

I am not comfortable asking people for help, I am the one that everyone goes to.  It was a big step to go to a therapist and to post on here.    I am thankful for this anonymous community.   I told my husband but he pretends like it didn't happen, we don't talk about it.  The only reason I told him is because I do not like sex and felt like I had to give him an explanation for my lack of sex drive.    He has an allergy to any feelings other than happiness and he HATES that I am seeing a therapist, he thinks people should be able to handle themselves.    So it is hard to turn to him about this.   I have not told him about my panic attacks, and probably won't.     He is supportive in every other way, just not when it comes to negative emotions.   

I plan on taking this very slow AFTER I figure out how to calm myself.   I think I have a great therapist (going for the third session tomorrow) and I trauma is one of his specialties.   

Thank you, I appreciate the advice and the support.   

Three Roses.  Sorry for not replying fully yesterday.  When they happen I can’t breath, I am in a complete fog, my arms and legs lose feeling, I have complete feeling of absolute dread, my stomach hurts.   Afterwards I have a headache.   I have tried everything to stop it but that doesn’t seem to work yet.    I have only had a few in the past few weeks, never before this.   When I feel it coming on I isolate myself, I am embarasssed by them.   I had one yesterday morning and again last night.   The one yesterday morning I was sitting in my office at work and an important phone call from my graphic designer came through.    I had to answer it because we are on a deadline.   I have been using her for years so we know each other pretty well and she could hear it in my voice I guess because she asked me what was wrong.    The first thing that popped in my head was to say “I’m fine, my allergies are acting up and you just caught me at the end of a sneezing fit”.   This is all new for me, I am trying to find a way to soothe myself but haven’t been successful yet.    I don’t know if I can do this.   I have lived life in avoidance and it worked.   This is too much, I don’t know how many more I can take, not sure what to do, but I know me and I will just keep plowing forward.  Just looking forward to the time when these don’t happen.   It is the most awful and scariest feeling.   

So, a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD from 4 years of consistent rape and molestation from ages of 8-12.    When I initially told “my story” to the therapist it was like I was telling someone else’s story.   I was triggered by a “friend” telling me of her daughters molestation that she didn’t report.   You better believe I called the Sheriffs office, CPS, went down with the school counselor (school wasn’t in session yet, but all the staff was there), everything I could do to fight for this 10 year old since it was evident her mom was not.   My whole body reaction to that situation made me realize it is time to see a therapist.    I went to one who was an intern, it was obvious he was ill equipped and he mentioned seeing someone that does EMDR.   So I did just that, after our second session he said he was afraid to do EMDR on me because I am so disassociated that I would just road block it.   Our last session was Thursday, I go back on Wednesday but I am having feelings flooding back, not memories, but feelings.    Until recently I have never had a panic attack and I have had now had 2 in the last week.  * is happening?    I am so completely lost, alone and scared to death.    I have a supportive husband with whom I am afraid to share.    Has anyone else experienced once they start therapy it gets worse, and then hopefully can tell me it gets better?   Thanks

Thank you not alone and three roses.  Tee, that is what I think he is afraid of with me, I am so disassociated, it is like I am telling someone else's story.    I'm going to stick with the plan just to see, but he said it is going to be a long, slow process.   Hugs to you all.

Thank you for your reply.   So is it worth the “risk” it was mentioned with my severe disassociation we can’t do it too soon, but when the time is right.   Did it set you back or more status quo?

Hi all.  I am in my 40's and have finally sought therapy for childhood sexual abuse that I never reported that happened between the ages of 8-12, compile in to that a series of unfourtanate events from risky behavior that include another rape in my 20's.   3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD and I am scared to death.  I saw one therapist  intern two times and I don't feel like he was equipped to "handle" me.  I just left a session with a more seasoned therapist and I now have a plan.  He confirmed CPTSD and is shocked I have been able to live a successful life without therapy all of these years, he said I am the queen of disassociation.  He is going to do EMDR with me down the road, but work has to be done before that.  Today was my first session with him and my third therapist session.   Has anyone done EMDR, Was it successful in your process?   Or just prayers would be great as I start down the road I should have started on decades ago.   Thanks all.