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Messages - PleaseWait

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Where do I begin?

Maybe by talking about your CPTSD symptoms and what you have done or are planning to do in terms of recovering/healing?   :grouphug: 

For as long as I can remember, I've always been focused on what was wrong with me. Or, what I did that made the situation my fault. Until now, I didn't realize that almost every behavior and coping mechanism I use today, are a result of one trauma or another.

Stubborn as I could be, I refused to listen to anyone. As if what they said was wrong with me I could change or simply hide and deny. I didn't ever believe a diagnosis since they always changed. Then I learned that it can look however you want it to. Wanna be crazy, act it. Wanna be normal, act. Either way I wasn't really myself. I felt like the diagnosis was a label, like now I fit a pattern or shape. I became more defiant. Refused to listen to much of anything. Then I learned about my ASD.  A new understanding of who I wasn't was on the horizon. This will be complicated.

I have a problem with victim mentality, but maybe I should move up to that instead of the isolation mentality driven by the CPTSD. Some things won't change, but some can.

Grief and Loss group is #1 priority at this time.

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I've attached a comorbidity record form you can use for your visit for those health issues you think are related to the trauma you experienced.

Thank you Kizzie!

Until recently I hadn't considered the exacerbated state and how stress triggers EBV, AND the comorbidity of it all. Now as I undsrstand it, it makes all the sense in the world.

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I am so sorry for the immense pain you have experienced.

Thank you, I came here because in so many ways I have not resolved that pain because I blocked much of it away. I am working on realizing that I am not in control of having those feelings. I used to think my rationale and justifications of the past were getting me somewhere. Rationalize everything empathetically and no one is to blame and feeling hurt becomes counter intuitive to moving on in life. So in all I thought I was doing well in health, I was doing poorly to heal. My good grip on reality allowed me to take on more than I should, adding to what was already there and allowing a false sense of recovery to develope.

The elastic emotional ninja, ready to provide full relapse into thinking errors and poor impulse control. But alas' Senor Ninjito, there's a coup developing and I plan on sticking around!

This life has conditioned me to behave for other people. To adjust to systems, cultures and illnesses. All in the interest of doing things the way everyone else wanted. Outside of the crud I had to endure I feel its a solid foundation to work from. I am ME! Until I fell in love with someone almost half my age i hadn't been taught that it was ok to be who I was. I'm not a deviant or perpetrator, I'm an autistic kid who was never allowed to develope. Allow me to develop and its like a Schooner covered wagon that gets too enthusiastic (too soon?) I come in hot, hit the turn and show my poorly assembled undercarriage to the world before I'm actually ready.

If it were only possible to not feel like my brain is Southern California freeway interchange with the Hancock gun battle going off on one leg, dude trying to jump on another, hating life in slow hot traffic Dave Grohl? I need to learn to Walk again, I believe I've waited long enough.

Where do I begin?

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Over the years I have been on a mission to solve my life long health problems. I've read so many journals and reputable journals I come off as a bit nutty at doctor visits. Mostly dismissive responses in which the Dr defers to surface manifestations as the "safe" bet to either avoid hard work to diagnose, or a fear that they could get something wrong the more complicated the case gets. Either way, I'm 42 years old now and been undiagnosed since age 11. Being pre-occupied by traumas does not help anything. I sound paranoid and its somewhat supported by tests. Except the serious pain which I have an explanation for but no one will hear me.

I have an autoimmune disorder related to susceptibility to the Epstein Barr Virus, VZV and HSV1. All work in concert or sympathetic to one another. My spleen was removed when I was 11 so I get all kinds of lymphatic symptoms which are increasing dramatically in pain level. I know the high mortality of chronic EBV problems is ramping up.

I have been through extremely low points where I felt so bad that I couldn't rationalize a reason that I should have to live this way. I honestly considered suicide. Even now I consider the assisted option here in Oregon. But I'm too young and not diagnosed terminal. I cannot work or reliably commit to anything really. I got boned by Social Security and don't even care to fight. I'm hanging on but find it hard to keep my momentum or build any for that matter.

In my wait until January stinkin 10th until I see a rheumatologist, I need to figure out a way to communicate with him so he doesn't think I'm crazy. I have plenty of verified tests. I'm not just saying I think I have it. I also have tons of family evidence that its genetic. I'm scared for my shortened future and for that of my children. My daughter was hospitalized at age 4 with Kawasakis, later ruled out as Mono. 2 of my sons with autism including myself. My Grandfather with Guille-Barre, myself as well.

I'm all over the place and think I need help sorting or preparing a presentation of sorts for my 90 minute appointment next stinkin year.

Any ideas would be super!

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If anyone wonders why this is so odd in its presentation, I call it Autistisorting. Hypervigilant analysis, some from the ASD and some triggered by trauma. It all started when I was 5 or so. ADHD and all sorts of other considerations. I was duped into thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. For years I hyperanalyzed, then I realized who was wrong. It wasn't me. I had been doing what I think a lot of people might do. I was hurt, and when it all started I was 5, when my parents divorced. Easily described as the most traumatic event in my life, until more. Trying to find a place where I felt needed and belonged was hard. I was holding onto the wrong things, and still am.

1. Lost my family age 5.
2. Beaten by step mother, taken from home by state age 11.
3. Nearly died from mystery illness, spleen removed. Viral cause
4. Aged out of group homes.
5. Into drugs age 19.
6. Married age 23, 15 years of *.
7. Skull fractured at work 2007, still not working.
8. Kids removed from home 2008 (medically unfit to care for children)
9. Mother concocted sexual abuse allegations against me, state of WA withheld this info until 2016 when I was finally informed that the reason I lost my children was because my daughter was telling stories that were not true. I knew she was doing it, but no one would tell me. She recanted her testimony in court 2016.
10. After my divorce in 2012 my 9 month old daughter was raped and murdered by my ex's live in boyfriend.
 
And I still have more things that seem incidental but surface at times with aggressive or isolation response. Too many events I need to reset. The worst part is that due to the implications, I want desperately to lash out and defend myself. I learned the hard way though, thats when people develope the wrong understanding. I'm looking for a place to feel safe and sane because I can be thankful that this all taught me how to be absolute and never let these things happen again.

And then I rush in flailing my arms like Gumby running out of a warehouse fire. Uggggggggggggggg


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Introductory Post / Come to a realization!
« on: October 25, 2019, 04:36:31 PM »
Hello everyone,

Entirely by accident I find myself here after a thought pattern that led me to the realization that 100% of my daily is comprised of isolation, self-loathing, poor health and stifled productivity. The analysis was based on a stereotypical understanding of PTSD in war vets. I imagined their plight, then considered my own. The list of traumas that have contributed to my current state, are very similar and in many cases more extreme. Complex PTSD was not originally my personal Dx. I believed that anyone can rationalize and recover once they can understand. However; I realized I am powerless to not feel this way and I must do something. I allowed myself to get backed into a victims corner and got too comfortable. Looking for my way out.......

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