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*Trigger Warning
Thank you so much for writing on this topic. The main memory of my childhood was "our family is somehow not ok". The main A took place in Italy, when I was 6-12 years old. We lived there for 6 years before returning to the States. The A did not end there but I do remember the times after Italy better since I was 12 years and older.
My memories from Italy were mostly of neglect, only a few uncomfortable SA memories. I am now 67 years old and it wasn't until I was in a training course for counseling that I realized I was being triggered by subjects on T.  That was in 2010, and I soon began searching for help in T. It was then that I began to discuss disturbing dreams from over the years with my T and then uncovering lots of SA "pictures" when I began to look deeper.
In my work with that T from 2013 to 2017 I identified a number of Ps, also from FOO. Along this time I contacted some siblings (11 children in our FOO) and received some confirmation. But for me it was still a big struggle to believe myself! I must say, it still is that way. But it is true for me that the evidence in my life and in my family speak strongly for it, and is what I rely on most of the time.

 

I have been thinking about your replies, Narckiddo and Woodsknome, and I guess that as a child I was keeping my inner real self to myself, although I think some of those parts of me came out at times. I made good friendships when I was young and was very close with my younger sister, but there was a whole world of secrets inside of me that i couldn't or wouldn't express. It was when I started letting those secrets out, about ten years ago in therapy, that other inner thoughts and feelings began to come out as well. A lot of what first came out was anger, and hurt, and also denial of the bad things I was uncovering.
After several years of that, I met a woman in the first clinic I went to who had multiple personality disorder. Spending time with her I found that her sense of dark humor was catching and I learned how it lightened up heavy subjects. But it took a few more years before I began to "hear" myself speaking in a joking way, seeing the humorous side in more and more of my life. It was so uplifting for me that I have allowed that humorous one in me more freedom. I enjoy hearing what comes out, almost strangely "watching myself", and loving making people around me laugh! This is probably a normal part of a young person's development, discovering their personality. For me it sometimes felt like an alien part in me. Now I love it   

Thanks for your feedback,  NarcKiddo  -

  I have discovered something about myself that I never really knew of, even people around me never suspected this part of me: using humor to deal with difficult subjects 
I first began to notice this new behavior in myself as I spent time in-patient in two clinics.  I noticed that with the other patients there I began to joke with them and kid them. This felt so new and good to me that I looked forward to other group settings where I could be the same way.  But in my everyday life at home, with my family, I rarely joined in the conversations, and everyone was used to that.
As time went on I began by voicing my opinions more and more openly with my husband (the children, three daughters, were already grown and moved out) This was rather unexpected by my husband and he responded most often with "Why did you never say this before?" because he had assumed for years that I shared his opinions on almost everything.
When I was with my daughters I exercised my new found freedom to "be myself" by making unexpected comments and joking with them - very unexpected 
To keep an already long story from being even longer I feel most inclined to use my humor to handle stress, tension, even anger, and it works so well for me that I use it regularly to encourage others 
Any one who is interested, I can tell about a recent example where I got my sister laughing about some of the tragic aspects of her Parkinsons 

This is how I feel sometimes, I just need permission to FEEL

I thought of this a few days ago as I was dealing with the days getting darker and shorter and colder: each new day it feels a little like I am going further and further out to sea, further from the beautiful white sandy beach with the sun shining and a light breeze blowing and the sand so warm and soft under my feet. As I get further from that shoreline, I sink deeper and deeper until I am under the surface. As I experience being under the waves I look up and the beach seemes so distant and I think I cannot even remember what it was like, being there. All I know now is the cold that surrounds me and it seems to be not so bad, just something to get used to. But still I long for that lovely beach, hope I will be there again sometime soon.

I also did not realize that I was dissociating all my life.  As I was growing up my older sister used to scold me for not paying attention enough.  I often did not know what was going on and sometimes could not follow conversations going on around me.  Later my husband and children thought I was just very quiet and did not have much to say about things.  All the time tons of thoughts and feelings were going through my head, seemed like too many to be able to express any of them, so I kept quiet.  The other feeling I had was that there were so many people who needed to speak, and my opinion was not as important.

"The world cracks through", you wrote in the poem.  For me that could describe the first time I had to stay at the hospital (for a series of eye OPs) and was faced with the need to stand up for myself and the care I needed.  That really was the start of turning from a pattern of escape, to actively engaging step by step in the world.

Thanks for the encouragement, notalone.  It is really good to be able to share on this forum.  The last time I was able to connect like this with anyone was three years ago when I was on the womens trauma ward in a clinic.  There we started a small group who liked to sing, and some who played guitar, and they really understood that song, like no one else since, except for here 

So glad for your *spark* of hope, BjeanGrey.  I feel like the end of  what I wrote in the poem (it's actually a song I wrote) makes this process of dealing with the inner hurt seem easy and simple - but that's just not the way it is, for me anyway.  I sadly can't honestly say that I am through my trauma 

Thanks for being so honest about where you're at  - I regularly struggle with hating myself, probably don't like to admit it more of the time.

I guess I search for quick solutions to my inner conflict, but had to face up to the truth (again and again) that the harm done to me is much more complicated to deal with than I had hoped - two years ago I had to realize this again.  That's when I had to begin to look even deeper. Sometimes I think my inner parts are looking for any answer or formula to heal their hurts - but I have to turn again and again to the "process" - that all so hard road of making new positive paths to walk on. 

Once, in a trauma therapy workshop I attended, the subject of healing or change was presented in this way:  the survival strategies that we continue to follow, even when they are no longer needed and not even so good for us, are like an Autobahn/highway (I live in Germany  ) where you keep taking the same exit.  The hard process of change and healing is to get to a different, new exit, that you never took before.  That can lead to the change needed for our inner parts.

This also is over-simplified! But I do picture this for myself very often, especially when many or all of my inner voices begin to cry, "you're going the wrong way!" when I am trying to find new direction for my life. It can be excruciatingly hard to go in a direction while everything inside is crying "danger".  It helps me then to have lots and lots of support at those times, telling me that I'm not doing a bad thing, to do something that is good for me - always a hard message to receive inside.

Boy - it's hard to communicate this stuff in this way, just writing.  Hope it comes through with the intension that is behind it 

I wrote this four years ago, trying to express what my healing process feels like.  Originally there were more verses at the end about how my faith in God helped me to discover His love for me.  But since then, in the past two years I have had to look deeper to see that the love I need so badly is in me, that I can give all the love I need for my needy inner parts 


SURVIVOR

Heart beating – head reeling - A life that's spinning out of control
Can't function – all this junk in me - If there's one thing I have learned
It's to understand what devastating pain can do to you,
Your life trod on before it started to bloom
All you had was - splintered parts inside of you
So you fought to survive

All you knew was hurt – in your deepest part
Trying to defend that little spark
And no one understands why you can't take part
You had to fight  -  just to survive
The love you've never had – has passed you by

Now you wake up – start to rise up
Discovering parts in you you never knew
Feel healing – releasing - Hope begins to rise
You want to understand the devastating things that happened to you
And to take a chance for your life to bloom
And all the splintered parts inside of you
Can come to life

And you're allowed to hurt – in the deepest part
'Cause someone is there holding your inner spark
Someone who understands all your heart
It's you - who holds the key to love -

The love you never had – is given to you

Thanks, dreamriver. I feel like there is so much to learn about family systems.  I try hard to keep my eyes open to the ways that I am encouraging or pursuing unhealthy relationships, with my daughters, with my husband, in my contact with siblings, even in other relationships outside the family.  It just seems like a constant struggle.  This is probably one of the most frequent topics with my therapist, only less frequent than the discussions with my various inner parts  And even there, I find it necessary to look at my relationships within myself, as you also described.  This could be why I sometimes come to the end of the day, seemingly doing relatively little, but feeling exhausted! 

Well, I still believe it is worth the fight, or struggle, to keep working on coming out of the mixed-up state that was my childhood 

dreamriver, your sending of good feelings are gratefully received 

The main thing that strikes me from your message is the big subject of Belonging, of being a part of - something, someone. Isn't that the basis of Bonding, which is the first biggest need in our life and existence? Those people who have their need for basic bonding filled at the onset of their lives, can never understand what it is like to be lacking that!

I try to distance myself from my siblings/FOO, but deep deep inside of me I am still searching for that help-hope-connection-comfort that never was there at the onset of my life.  And that gap - that foundational lack in early bonding, I don't think can ever be completely filled.  The best my therapist has explained and directed me to seek, is that - I - can best fill that need of mine, by being the loving parent to my lost, hurting parts.  I am trying to do this, and get my eyes off the unsatisfactory and probably impossible expectations of help-love-comfort from other sources.  Of course love from the people around you is very helpful, but I am able to give this directly to the parts in me.  Sometimes this is as simple as a piece of my favorite chocolate   or sitting in the sun when I am sad, or petting my dog, or crying - when I can    or, just voicing my indignation and anger!  I guess I just stand up for myself, like you are doing when you come against the false things said about you. I find this really great to hear from you, and it can help me when I am faced (in the future) by my FOO to be as honest about my family as you have been. 

In answer to the last posts - I'm really moved by your responding today already - means a lot to me!
I will read these thoroughly tomorrow, in the light of day - 'till then - peace JRose

Thanks for the understanding and encouragement, dreamriver. This is a lifeline I really need right now.

It's not that I don't have any support in my life, since my husband and I talk about (almost) every aspect of my therapy and ongoing process.  Also my three (grown) daughters are very accepting of the need I have to work through things out of my past.  It wasn't always this way; for a long time, at the beginning of my therapy in 2012/13 there was the expectation that "now you are all better" to be realized as the first months and then year or so went by.  This impossible expectation has finally been clarified and we all know that it is mostly a case of me doing better, probably never all-better.

As time goes on I have had to deal with more new realizations of abuse in my childhood (see my history in my introductory post when you are willing to know more).  It then became more apparent to me that ( could not continue to be in contact with FOO as long as they basically would not acknowledge hardly any of this.  I have been on the hard path of learning to believe myself - to un-learn condemning myself for all the things that I struggle with inwardly. 

I am surely hoping for things to get better as I continue to keep NC, which I extended to my older S last year.  With my younger S with Parkinsons I think I was hanging on to a sense of "not being such a bad person" as long as I kept in touch with her. Also she did acknowledge the things I spoke of from my therapy - though now I am beginning to see more signs of what I hear of on this forum, of "fawning" behavior, towards me, and now I have to admit she is doing this with my older S too. 

The big difficulty is my S with P, who I feel is greatly in need of support and any encouragement I can give her.  She isn't even in a state anymore where she can absorb any more heavy subjects, about me or about herself and our family.  So I don't tell her what I really think about our family so often.

The other big struggle is the subject of communication with family, especially this will include my older S, as my younger S's state of health worsens, as it now is.  Younger S knows that I have NC with older S, but at some point there will need to be family intervention on behalf of my younger S.  This is a traumatic consideration for me - my therapist and I are in constant conversation about this, so I have the needed support!

So much for the FOO subject in my life  really not an easy subject for anyone, as I am now realizing the more I read here.