Quote from: Jazzy on March 19, 2021, 04:14:43 AM
If I actually try to talk about it vocally with someone though, that's much more difficult. It's almost impossible for me to say "I love you". There's just been so much hurt and pain and damage that's gone along with hearing "I love you"
The warm hug is welcome Jazzy
I had this realization these last couple years too. Save with my spouse it's been hard to say "I love you" to anyone else because I associate love with doubt, distrust, and pain, and wondering whether I really love the person (especially being forced to say it to older siblings who were abusive, bullies, or personality disordered). I will still say it back to a friend if they say it to me but it feels awkward and forced. Even if I do really love and appreciate them! I wonder if anyone else deals with this!
Then I also realized, I didn't hear much "I love yous" growing up, and when they were uttered it's like they were fake or had no meaning. I didn't feel loved or safe so how could that sentence be associated with safety? Every time "I love you" comes out of my mouth I say to myself "I should only say it if I mean it!" when I say it back too hastily, and have never wondered much why I think that way.
I remember the last year or so that I still had contact with my malignant narcissist sister, I would say "I love you" and it was like she had to squeeze it out if herself to say it back to me. And then at the very end before no contact, she wouldn't say it back to me at all.
You're fair and OK if you don't want to say it, or say it really only when you feel it. It's only fair you protect yourself and you protect the love you do give, because it is precious.