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Messages - RA-Survivor

#1
Emotional Abuse / TW: raped as a baby at age one
March 17, 2020, 03:49:54 PM
I was raped as a baby as soon as I was born. I had no chance to be. I had no power to stop my abusers. At age 0-1 I was already fully exploited by my two main abusers who have adopted me, just to rape and molest me. My entire 24 years of life is all about being raped. I'm like born for rapes. Born to be abused. Born just to be molested, like it's my sole purpose of existence, is to be extremely humiliated in front of them. Most of my life is blank via amnesia. I wouldn't be able to make it alive, if without the amnesia. The amnesia is extremely deep, to dissociate the traumatic memories. Just as the trauma was at the very least, most extreme.

I mean. You can't get a little child at age 4 to function well, continuously, if without that extreme level of amnesia to the trauma. You can't survive, if every moment every second of life was off-the-scale traumatic. I'm seeing my psychiatrist this Friday for the first time in 9 months ever since hospitalisation that was caused by the failed suicide attempts last year. I don't want to be too confronting to him and would just do it slow. But to the rapes part. I just can't seem to even find my way to speak about it to him. Maybe I'll just hang in space and talk something general for a time first. I don't want to blank out. I don't want him to diagnose me with DID. I had it with another in the past. The label itself is just scary in itself. The shock of reality.
#2
Was it not 2019 December? Things will turn from darkness to light in 6 months time by June 2020. I will then meet my abuser face to face.

I was at street numbered 88, it felt like an eternity when I was navigating the lane. I couldn't find the place that I meant to find.

I'm only human and do have disorientation. At last, I stopped and went back. I had shifting and black outs. I then found myself on a driving lane where I beheld a scene of thieves.

I woke up and dissociated again. There were 9 abusers in a group. Inwardly I was saying, I want to know the truth. I think they're also part of abuser A and P trafficking rings.

I think I finally recognised who they are and who I am. As though an eternity I did not know who I am, despite they knew who I am.

I woke up again and was raped and molested by them daily. It was in a high rise tower. I was looking at the cityscape. I then blacked out. Part of my DID alters knew everything about their backgrounds and I knew it not.

I remember I gave him something. Two things. So both of us had each two things. I don't remember what, but he not only obtained mine, but also knocked out my two things.

I was taking back. I was one day throwing those three things down to the bin.

Living on the earth, I was somehow felt small. I then looked at the double layered skies.

I looked and got blacked out again.
#3
Quote from: Kizzie on February 27, 2020, 06:22:12 PM
Are you under any regular treatment at the moment RA?

I'm still trying to find a T and doctor but it's hard, for those who specialise in both DID and complex PTSD
#4
I was hospitalized involuntarily to the psychiatric ward back in February to March 2017, due to acute suicidal crisis and suicide plan. Many times I have needed hospitalization, but I have resisted to go and stayed at home instead, as I felt safer in a more controlled environment. It really depends. Hospital has also been a stabilization location, but then I was afraid of their medication side effects and lack of choice to self-discharge.

In February 2018 I have started on disability pension, being full-time disabled, chronically home bound, mentally disabled, with lack of relationships and friendships, due to deep seated mistrust and too intellectually disabled to attend university to finish up my masters. At home, I am currently being taken care by my caregiver, as I cannot do anything in my most traumatized position daily, crying, cuddling myself and curling up. Oftentimes I have coma-like sleeps, couldn't do the most basic stuff, such as washing, bathing, cooking and driving. I have been feeling useless and aimless in life.
#5
Religious/Cult Abuse / Ritual Abuse, DID & Self-Harm (TW)
February 27, 2020, 03:02:47 PM
I was self-harming myself. I was coping the pain my entire life that is beyond normal human capacity, creating my complex DID system with sub-rooms, sub-layers, doors and hallways, where countless of my little ones, the inside self-state alters dwell. I was feeling fine to let myself be abused again, just to normalize the pain, yet it was harmful.

I have only started to know that there were dissociative identities within me, when there were flashbacks and communication within, since July 2017. I had communication between my fragmented parts through letters writing, headspace insiders and visualizing the hubs within me, which they reside. I am still finding it very hard to accept that my self is being split into multiple identities, leading to selflessness.
#6
Religious/Cult Abuse / RA & Childlike Regression (TW)
February 27, 2020, 02:40:03 PM
I have become sexually dysfunctional, with no sexual arousal during sex. I said I don't understand what sex means as an adult. Sexual intimacy has elicited extreme humiliation to me all over again. I have the tendency to feel forced during sex, resembling my past rapes, which the inclination was solidly programmed by my past abusers. I can't seem to be natural.

I have been regressed into a childlike state in my adult body, due to chronic ritual abuse. I was crawling across the floor and basically being intellectually disabled. The developmental trauma has led me looking even more vulnerable, that is beyond my control. It seems like my presentation was a reflection of a need, a need to fulfill an unfulfilled past, for my entire life has been wrecked completely by my perpetrators.
#7
The very first thing that I felt when the first flashbacks of my ritual abuse history back in March 2016, was extreme humiliation. Extreme humiliation has always been a daily battle to me, at the hands of my sadistic abusers. I felt eternally forsaken, a void that is ever-expanding to infinity without end point. I was crying so much in the dark at night, wetting my clothing, feeling as though no one has seen my tears and feeling very cold.

Another constant perception, is the companion of emptiness. There was no more substance left in me as a proper human; an existence that has not been developed yet. Outsiders cannot discern my face value of the level of fragmentation, for what is seen is not always reflecting the things that are unseen and vice versa. The trauma was deep enough that I felt like I was being stuck at conception, being struck by lightning, a sensation that has made me afloat oftentimes, that not even the worst earthly pain can be compared to what I have suffered.
#8
I felt utter confusion and shame, when I had forced sex by my abusers. I was always being told of degrading terms, such as "you're a piece of *". I did not understand sexual knowledge and was being taught of sexual pleasure by my abusers, in my innocence.

I was video recorded to be exploited by countless of other abusers. Most of what I have gone through were under blind rape episodes, due to the dissociative amnesia, in order to cope with the damaging psychological effects.
#9
I was raped and molested daily by my abusers, the entirety of my life. I am currently 24 years old. It took me much courage to speak out about what I have been through, ever since the first revived traumatic memories came back on March 2016, but only spoke about the main highlights of my satanic ritual experiences 4 years later, on February 2020. I couldn't come to terms of my trauma history, as to how illogical it has appeared.

I do not remember all traumatic memories, due to dissociation has helped me to cope with the overwhelm, so that I would be able to maintain my sanity. The amnesia has been a natural defensive strategy. I did not understand I was violated, until the age of 24, despite the traumatic memories were already and gradually revived at partiality, by the age of 20. The awakening has started on August 2019, when I started to know what they did was wrong.
#10
Quote from: bluepalm on February 25, 2020, 11:45:21 PM
I really feel for you RA-Survivor. I don't know if you already have the help of medication, but I found it helpful when, despairing of being able to calm myself all by myself, I went to my GP and explained my feeling of being tearfully out of control and asked for medication to help to calm me down. I now feel I have a 'floor' under me through which I should not fall as a result of taking anti-depressants and my anti-anxiety medication gives me the comfort of knowing I can always take it and get some relief in my mind and body when breathing and other things are not enough. I don't take this very often but knowing it is there for me is itself calming and comforting. For me, having the support of medication has been wonderful and has enabled me to get to a point of calm where I can work well with my therapist. I hope this may be helpful for you.

Thanks for the helpful input. I believe it's beneficial during this stage, yes. I was avoiding psychiatric meds because I had a bad experience of severe side effects, but you've reminded to give it a try again when I have no other way.
#11
Quote from: Kizzie on February 25, 2020, 06:18:37 PM
I can well imagine that love and care are extremely frightening after what you have been through RA Survivor. It sounds like your T understands this and is supportive of you going slowly, validating your need for time and going at your own pace.

I think you will find the same thing here - we all get that deep fear of being abused again, that it's just so difficult to trust so take your time, we're here to listen and support you like your T.    :yes:

Thanks. I appreciate the warmth welcoming arms from you. It's a good starting point to me and try to grasp what it is.
#12
Quote from: Kizzie on February 25, 2020, 06:29:30 PM
RA Survivor, I know it may seem like you are sexually dysfunctional, but what if it's actually a normal, functional response to the SA you suffered for so many years? It's difficult to think of our symptoms as protective responses to trauma, but one way of thinking abut them is they are our body/mind/heart's way of keeping us from being hurt again.

When you look at things in this light it makes it less about us being dysfunctional and more about  being in need of treatment and care to heal the wounds inflicted by others. You have a T and are working on that in therapy, plus you're coming here and reaching out - that's you wanting that healing and going after it - all good!  :thumbup:

Thanks Kizzie. You make complete sense.
#13
Been having nonstop destabilisation of new flashbacks regarding institutional church abuse from early childhood to adulthood. I couldn't cope with all the flashbacks right now. They are so extreme and nonstop for 8 months now and I'm running out of breath. I just saw my T but it was just a 50 mins session and I'm now full loaded with the extreme new flashbacks I felt like collapsing physically and feeling faint. *tears* I don't know what to do now as I couldn't calm down even after hours of trying to relax.
#14
Hi I'm new here.

From the age of 1-24, I had three tiered groups of abusers. The first group were my two main abusers, the second and third groups were countless of abusers, but the third were more. By their initials, my first main abuser was P and second was A. The second and third groups were too many, I could not put it into a number.

The second group of abusers, I have only found out about this, when traumatic memories were revived from March 2016 and onward. During that time I was aged 20. Before this age, I had complete amnesia, without any knowledge of the trauma history that I had. The first and third groups of abusers, I have found it out most shockingly, when my DID alters have started communicating with me about what they have been through. These two groups were only known to me from July 2019 and onward.
#15
I have only known pain and humiliation my entire life. My abusers who have relentlessly raped and molested me, have perverted my perception of the meaning of love. Being loved is very frightening, joy is very new and healing is extremely excruciating. They have erased my understanding of what is love, that my therapist during psychotherapy has told me that I am only capable to take little doses of being loved right now, gently, for being loved by others was hurting me.

I was self-harming myself. I have survived multiple suicide attempts, all in July 2019. My abusers, especially A, has intentionally created pain and recurrent exacerbation of major depressive episode on a chronic background of dysthymia, in which I have been suffering from. Without him, darkness would not have happened; the pain that I have coped with was beyond normal human capacity, creating sub-rooms or sub-layers, doors and hallways, where countless of my little ones self-state alters dwell.