Messages

There is a movie called Theater Camp which I love watching. 

Thanks Desert Flower and Chart.  I am doing a bit better today.
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I am definitely in some type of transition phase.  It feels like for the better but sometimes it is overwhelming.

The other day someone in a group I'm in asked a question and phrased their experience in a way that resonated with me.  She talked about how she knows she does a lot in the day that requires cognitive and emotional load but it's hard to remember/keep track of those things.

That felt true for me too so I started tracking things that I do especially at work that are a load that I don't usually acknowledge.  I am also keeping track of whether I do anything to restore and any reflections I have.

It's been interesting and I am realizing it's not just at work.  I will get tired pretty quick of doing this tracking but it is helping me see things are taking a toll and how I am often not doing anything to take care.

Chart, I appreciate your support.
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San, yes, there are benefit and consequences to all of this.
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I am sitting at work and struggling.

I am trying to pull back in some ways.

I am in a place of questioning everything I do.

I've been having intense dreams of late and appreciate when you share about dreams.

For me, I don't see autism as something that needs therapeutic intervention. I focus on strategies that affirm and support my needs as an autistic person. 

For me, being autistic is an identity and part of who I am.  I've found it most helpful to find ways to live authentically rather than focusing on changing this about myself. 

I resonate with you about experiential learning.  I also resonate with processing a diagnosis such as diabetes.  I hope that you find what supports you in managing your wellness. 

I resonate with what you say about making a plan and feeling unease about carrying it out.  I'm currently in this place of honoring my limits but wondering if I place limits on myself too.  I hope that you find a routine that works for you staying connected with this person.

I can't really speak to the differentiation between autism and CPTSD.  I often wonder to what extent it is wrapped up in stigma associated with autism. 

I was evaluated by a person that specializes in autism presentation in women/AFAB.  I mostly did the evaluation because I thought it would help me seek workplace accommodations.  That has not gone the way I hoped but I'm still glad I did the evaluation.

I have found identifying that I am autistic to be helpful in healing.  I accept myself more and do what works for me because I better understand myself. 

It's not always easy because autism is stigmatized and there is not supportive collective knowledge about autism.  It's also hard identifying this later in life and realizing that there aren't really any resources beyond what autistic people create for themselves.

Chart, I appreciate the care.
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San, yes, I am thankful for the break I've had.
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Aphotic, thank you for sharing that experience.  I am still uncovering things and right now am becoming more aware of responses I have that were learned from my family. 
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Dolly, I appreciate this perspective.  I think learning more is helping and I am beginning to acknowledge more and more how I have had a lot of trauma in every job I've had (even as a kid) that I have my really recognized or understood the way I do now.  More to unpack.
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Before I forget to say this - I've been really embarrassed that I included "2025" in my journal title that I started in 2024.  I think I either got confused or mistyped but it has been bothering me.  I guess now it doesn't matter because it is 2025.

My break has been restful for the most part.  My cat's health is heavy right now and even though she is doing better in some ways she is still getting older and sicker.

Just yesterday I finally felt fully relaxed and am upset that I go back on Monday. 

I am continuing to read the intergenerational trauma book and am recognizing things I do that are trauma responses that I didn't recognize as such. 

I think I am entering a point where I have done a lot of work on my family role in my CPTSD.  While that certainly still is influencing, I am seeing how truly traumatic most jobs I've had have been and a big part of that was being an unidentified autistic person.

I think the focus of my ongoing work is needing to expand.  But when I think about how awful jobs have always been, even ones I had as a teenager, it's no wonder that work feels heavier than it needs to.

I am realizing how much energy of others that I take on which is a trauma response from my family as well as being an autistic person in the world.  I am going to focus on shifting that how I can moving forward in addition to understanding these sources of trauma that are outside my family.

Desert Flower, thank you, your support is helpful.
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SenseOrgan, the support is much needed.
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San, it is really unfortunate.  I have more to share about all that work stuff.
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Chart, I appreciate you checking in and offering support.
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Wow, the weeks slipped away.  And I am finally at Christmas which is a day I struggle with.

I did not intend to not check in here but think I was fully in survival mode by the last week before break.

I am on break now and am really noticing the huge contrast between how I feel at work and not at work.  I do think it will be helpful to process those differences a bit when I have capacity.

Before break I spoke to my supervisor about my experiences at my school.  She has no real power over anything that happens at individual schools but she did validate my experience and I feel like she understands me and what I am trying to do.  I realize that a lot of what is upsetting to me is systemic and not actually about specific people. 

Changing schools or jobs would not remove me from these systems.  My hope is to only work like this for about 2 more years.  Within those two years I hope to find how to best take care and plant seeds of change how I can.

This evening I was doing some work on my family tree and encountered some family secrets.  I had a physical reaction to what I found even though it was stuff I vaguely remember hearing growing up.  I am less upset about the actual stories and more the pain and suffering those things caused, especially the women in my family. 

I am enjoying slower days but comes with it a lot of processing. 

Desert Flower, I read your updates.  I resonate with mom stuff.  My mom always wants me to be happy too.  I hate her saying that to me.  I hope you are hanging in there.

San, thank you for the support.  Work continues to be difficult.
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Hope, thank you.  I hope I am finding ways to bring joy back to my birthday.
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Desert Flower, thank you for what you shared.  It's helpful to know when others relate.
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Armee, thank you for what you shared of your experience and the support.  I am angry for all of us that things like this happen to.
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A lot of unpleasant things have happened in the past several days as well as some clarity.

I was in two work meetings about students that really upset me.  It gave me more insight into the true colors of some of my colleagues and of how my district functions. 

I cried after the first meeting and took steps to care for myself at the second meeting.  Boundaries I set were rudely commented on by my colleagues.

I am seeing the people who I need to pull back and protect myself from.  I am either going to request being at a different school or find a new job after this school year.

One moment of clarity I've had is how inadequate I feel in many situations.  The word inadequate just really fits for what I've been feeling.

Another thing I am doing right now is listening to a podcast about grief.  I can only handle a little at a time because it is really opening things up.  It is helpful for me to know that grief is our response to loss, loss changes us, and we don't quite overcome grief but rather grow around it.

After thinking about the SA memories, I felt a pull to write a letter to my female ancestors. I know some parts of my line have history of sexual abuse and I also imagine that many women (and perhaps men) experienced sexual assault as well.  I felt a little lighter after writing to them.

Thank you, Kizzie.  I would say that apology is more than I've been given by others.

Unfortunately, things with the initial colleague I wrote about as well as a few others have started to become more tense.

My advocacy and boundaries are not sitting well with them and they are beginning to become mean and bullying.  Thankfully inappropriate comments have been made in front of witnesses and it has given me validation that I am not imagining their behavior.

My plan is to back off as much as I can with certain people.  I won't stop with my boundaries but I will interact with these particular people as little as possible which naturally occurs.

I have been in this place many times before and it is so discouraging because I know it is primarily related to being an autistic person and CPTSD survivor and how people handle differences as well as being challenged in their poor behavior. 

I plan to ask my supervisor to work at a different school next year and thus need to survive the next 6 months.

San, I am thinking of you and your daughter as you navigate health related things.  I resonate with what you say about so many things trying to be front and center.

Hi Rizzo.  I resonate with what you shared and feel the same healing is hard.  I appreciate knowing that I am not alone in going through complex struggles.