Messages

I am thinking of you Bach.

Moondance, I'm glad you have that family member and that they respect your boundaries.

As I am processing this evening I am realizing that some of my EF is also about work.

I am working with some preschool classrooms.

Today I witnessed a paraprofessional terrorizing three autistic students.  She was doing what people working in special education are taught to do.  But it is so messed up.

And I am feeling terrible for just watching and not being able to do anything.

There is this delicate balance I must walk in order to stay safe myself and keep my job. 

But I hated the way she treated those kids and how she spoke to me and how she was wearing an Autism shirt which no one needs to wear.

Very upset this evening and hoping I can fall asleep.

I'm in an EF and it is confusing as to why.

Earlier today I texted my husband that I think long term I need to look for a new job.

Just now he told me it stressed him out when I said that.

That sent me into my EF.

My job choice does impact him but this is my life.

What's harder for me is his reaction and how a double standard seems to be present. This past weekend we had a difficult conversation and he walked away from our conversation and was rather rude to me.

Right now I think I dissociated a bit when he said my text stressed him out.  I think what it is flashing me back to is all the times my parents were unsupportive of me and how I still don't feel like I belong anywhere and that I "need" to push myself to stay in a situation just to please others.

I felt like my husband and I have been making progress of late.  There is still work to do and I imagine a lot of whatever just happened between us isn't exactly about me.

I'm so tired. 

Not Alone, 
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Moondance, thank you for the support.  It's helpful to know when others know what I mean.
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BB, 
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Papa Coco, I appreciate how you phrased the fear.  Thank you for supporting me on my way.
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I am still very discombobulated.

I am not sleeping well due to stress.

Last night it occurred to me how I have never felt safe in any work environment.  Thus I spend all day in hypervigilance.  No wonder I come home so exhausted.

My current workspace was too full yesterday.  The hard part too is that I doubt the other folks will communicate clearly with me when they will come.  I don't think speaking to administrators about the space will help.  There isn't enough room in that school for all the things crammed in.

It makes it hard for me to feel safe and thus it will make it hard for me to create safety for the students I work with.  The amount of effort I've put in over the years to get by at work is ridiculous. 

Once again I'm asking myself what is next.  Changing jobs might change some things but the systems and strain never really change.   

Moondance, I appreciate you checking in and the support. 
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I am not keeping up with my journal here as I have in the past.

I am feeling very sad and low today.

My days go up and down with managing things at home and at work.  I have bright moments but generally am overwhelmed by all that is going on.

Yesterday I felt the strain of all that is being asked of me at work.  I vented to some colleagues and worry that the "boss" that was there heard it all.  I am sad that instead of being able to express how difficult this is with someone in charge, work conditions us to bottle it up and complain to colleagues.  I am feeling hard on myself for my humanity yesterday.

This morning my husband also started a conversation that turned into a fight.  Nothing has resolved and we have spent time apart today.  I try to explain to him how my emotional turmoil leaves me feeling defensive and guarded and it makes no sense to him what I am saying.

I am trying to take care today.  I am so afraid of what each day will bring and if I will be able to live up to the demands and expectations of others.  I hope I can keep growing in the kindness I show myself so that the demands of others don't feel so big...and when they do, still being kind to myself when I become overwhelmed.

I am processing something that happened today at work.

In June I had reached out to my supervisor to share difficulties I was having with a colleague.  My supervisor was not particularly supportive.  She invalidated my concern and basically told me there was nothing she could do.  I wasn't surprised as this colleague is highly regarded in our district simply because she has worked there for over 30 years.

Today I was sitting by a colleague at a training.  She told me that she heard my supervisor told the colleague I had shared concerns.  My stomach dropped when she said that.  It was a violation of my trust especially since she said there was nothing she could do.

I am left with a yucky taste in my mouth.  I have this vision of my supervisor and this colleague essentially making fun of me.  I don't trust my supervisor now.  I am not quite sure how to move forward as I am very upset.

I will say I felt proud of myself.  I managed the feelings coming up with this and was able to get through the day without getting a headache by obsessing over this.  I am hurting but it isn't overpowering me as much as it would have in the past.

But it makes me feel like I may need to look for a new job.  And also set some boundaries with some folks.

Armee, I appreciate the insight about preparedness for therapy. Thank you for supporting me.
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Moondance, I appreciate the care.
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Hope, thank you for your message of support.  It helps a lot!
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I am laying on my bed after a long day.  I am upset because my in-laws are in my house and I didn't agree to them being here.  I need time to unwind and I haven't really gotten it today.  They drrraaaaaaggggg out leaving and it is the worst.

My day started off hard because I didn't sleep well and my husband brought up a topic that I didn't want to discuss this morning.  It's ironic because we had made an agreement to not talk about difficult things before going to work because it makes the day hard.  I didn't address it in the moment but if we set boundaries we need to adhere to them.  It wasn't an agreement I necessarily wanted to make but it annoys me that he made the request and isn't following through.

Work was a bit hard today.  Of course it's nothing compared to what it will be when real demands are being placed.  One thing that is hard is that my workspace is shared with others.  It's not really big enough for all of us especially since I will be there full time.  I also don't feel like I can personalize it. 

I had my solo session with the couples counselor.  I am feeling raw after.  I am still stuck in whether I want to stay in this relationship.  Day to day a lot of things have improved because my husband is actually trying to communicate with me.  But I am still really upset and hurt by a number of things which are making me want to keep a wall around myself.  He has said some really big things that I can't move past.

I will just keep showing up and doing my best.  For now I am really tired though. I am waiting for our dishwasher to get done so that I can get some stuff ready for tomorrow.  And then I will read and head to bed.

I feel really disappointed in myself and dissatisfied with how my day went.

My in-laws are scheduled to leave tomorrow.  I had anticipated having time to myself as my husband and his parents were going to go to a National park near where we live.  However the air quality has gotten really bad due to forest fires and they opted to stay here.  I would have done the same but am also disappointed I didn't have the time to myself.  I am craving some quality alone time for myself.

Tomorrow I will have couples counseling as a solo meeting.  I'm not sure what I will say.  I suppose I don't have to have all the answers figured out before I even know what her questions will be.  Yet I have been thinking what it is I want to share with her.  But I feel really stuck.

I started work today.  I am really feeling awkward for how I see certain people and I just ramble on and on.  I really felt today how I want to participate but that I struggle to communicate with most people.  I feel like I may have come across as negative and complaining.  It makes me feel really bad.

And then coming home I had demands placed on me by my husband being here that I had anticipated not having to deal with.  I set a boundary with him tonight and it is making me uncomfortable. 

*sigh*. I feel so lost.

Hi Moondance, best wishes into tuning in and listening to your body.  I hope you find what helps you feel rested. 

Thank you San.  I appreciate your support and care.
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I slept really well last night.  That is such a rare thing but I am feeling good for it.

This week I took a course about school avoidance in students.  I hated it.  A lot of it was about how school avoidance stems from anxiety.  I hated the course because the presenters weren't engaging and I have a hard time with the way mental illness was discussed by psychologists in the videos.  I struggle with thinking that we are all just at the mercy of being "positively" and/or "negatively" reinforced.  I feel like our experience is more nuanced than that but I don't have the vocabulary or a way to explain it further than that.

I think I also hated the course because it was raising a mirror to my face.  They talked a lot about how parents may under or over accommodate a child and what those things teach children.

What this was making me think is that we aren't taught things that might help us in the long run.  Most parents don't have parenting classes or opportunities to address their own stuff before becoming parents.  We get stuck and then seek out professionals that can help us learn a different way.

I'm really struggling with how my people pleasing and lack of self advocacy is often harmful both to me and to others.  I think I am often a barrier.  This is also hard for me to process because it is also nuanced and I still feel like there are things I don't know how to articulate about without sounding defensive.

I am currently in a beautiful park on a nice day where my husband is doing a competition.  His parents are doing their thing and we haven't interacted much.  I am keeping my distance.  Today is my husband's birthday so the day will include more interaction than I care for while they perform their weirdness.  I wonder if they will call his siblings and expect them to FaceTime when we have his cheesecake.  I sincerely hope we aren't celebrating at their Air BnB because I'm not sure I can handle that.

I did not sleep well last night.

Today has been ok but I am ending it feeling like I am not a good person.

I often vent to my mom when my in-laws are here.  It makes me feel like I am no better than when I complain about my husband telling his parents things.  Also, my mom makes me feel worse because she starts in on my husband.  I've been in this pattern with her for years and I think it is time to stop.

Today I thought a lot about how the dynamics I can't stand in my husband's family are present in mine too although in different ways. 

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day.  I will spend it with them all.  I have managed to avoid seeing my in-laws up to now.  They didn't show up at an agreed upon time and so I took a nap.  Their rental car is outside our house so I'm sure they'll come in when they get back.  I am laying down and hope to fall asleep.

Hi Larry, I hope you get some refreshing rest.

Thank you San.  I'll say more about how the day went.  I appreciate your support.  I've always sensed that my husband is avoiding/dissociating from something.  I hope he is able to face it at some point.  I hope the couples counselor can help us somehow have a conversation that gets us closer.
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Work was a lot today.  I think I learned a lot but am too exhausted to process.

When I got home, my husband told me his dad ran their rental car into our mailbox post.  People make mistakes but the messed up part is they didn't up front tell my husband.  They texted him later with a "by the way."

This is why I don't want them in our home and using our stuff.  They damage things and aren't careful and just have this attitude of "whoops."  It isn't taking ownership and it gets me so irate.

My husband is telling me all the plans and it is overwhelming me.  It is overwhelming me based on how annoying his parents are with all the ridiculous things they want to do and now they act. 

I will say that he is accepting my boundaries of not wanting to spend a lot of time with them. 

The next several days will be a lot harder.  Right now the best I can do is try to get some rest and do my best to face the next day.

Thank you all - I am short on time right now but am feeling agitated and need to get some thoughts out of my head. 

I am at a work event.  I am deeply agitated by the way some employees speak to each other.  Processes are very unclear and when I try to ask questions based on what my experience has been, I feel like I am met with frustration and unkindness.

I'm also agitated by interactions my husband has had already had with his parents.  I don't understand why he doesn't see how awful they are.  He becomes agitated and that gets me riled up.

I hope that I can find a way to regulate.