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Recovery Journals / Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1

« on: May 24, 2021, 10:44:31 AM »

Thanks for commenting Armadillo. I did watch part of that video, but I had to stop.

Apparently poetry is triggering for me. What isn't?? I will laugh instead of cry this time. 

Memory time: I used to write, in secret. I even had some works published as a teenager. Language, oddly enough, has always been my passion. One of the things I was able to sneak away when I was kicked out were my binders. I kept them as a reminder to myself that what happened was real, and to remind myself to keep myself safe in a sense, to remind myself of the horrors. They were my most precious things. When I finally had a place to live, I had an ex boyfriend who got really angry and broke into my home. He stole my computer, took a hammer to the walls and to my furniture, and the worst of it I didn't realise until much later when I went to open my binders. He had replaced the pages with blank sheets.

It was hugely devistating at the time. Although, I hardly remember now any of my words I had memorised then, I clung to those words and thoughts like they would save me... But those words may have saved me for a time, but they would have imprisoned me now.

So, good job narcissistic ex. 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1

« on: May 22, 2021, 11:56:56 AM »

Thanks all for commenting. I like that my words resonate with others. Oh Blueberry, I hadn't thought of that, but no. It's not an overflow of emotions. Quite the opposite really.

Things have changed, real physical things that have put even further distance between myself and my past. I will be intentionally vague here, so pardon as I am working through it myself, but I am not mourning. I feel a sense of release. I know their real power over me is gone.

Somehow it's easier to live every day with my past when I know that it is really over. They cannot hurt me, they cannot come for me, no one will help them, no one believes them, they have no persuasion left. I could return to the country I come from if I wanted to, but I don't.

I could have at least a level of normalcy from the perspective of onlookers.

It still feels heavy, and I still feel afraid every day, I still have no sense of self, but at least I know that everything is changing and I can too without it being a detriment to my safety. 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

« on: May 21, 2021, 03:10:33 PM »

What you feel is very relateable. Sometimes the physical release of the past can help us accept the now.

It's great you were able to walk and talk it out.

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Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - Part 7

« on: May 21, 2021, 12:31:52 PM »

My life is looking quite stable. Sometimes it's hard to see the stability, and hard to appreciate it, but I notice it now. The big things don't feel like mountains and the little things mean very little.

I posted today. I am thinking of myself. Wanting to get back some of that "self" that I never developed. No pressure though. I think that's a good thing.

I'm home alone, and I'm listening to music. I listen to music maybe three times a year. I am enjoying it without judging myself for enjoying it.

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Recovery Journals / Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1

« on: May 21, 2021, 12:08:29 PM »

I was no longer receiving feedback on my last three journal posts. I suppose I must have reached the limit. So, I've started this journal as a continuation. I think this journal will probably end up with a lot more drivel and less intrusive memories, because that's where I am at right now on my journey.

I talk about about how the seemingly nuanced events have effected me very deeply compared to things that others would classify as deeply traumatic. I mentioned how it's because when you only know trauma, your brain cannot comprehend things as traumatic. At least that's how it feels for me. There's no normal to compare to.

So, here's a story that is one of those things that has been on my mind lately: We were sitting in the back of the car, I was maybe 10 years old. My mother had the radio on and I was staring at my feet mouthing along to the song, or at least I thought. One of my brothers started harassing me about me singing, and then the whole family pitched in and started making fun of me, and my voice, even though I hadn't even realised I had been making a sound. I rarely made sounds.

As an adult I have had so much trouble speaking up for myself, and people have joked about my voice in passing. Nothing serious, but it really hurts me deeply. I have traveled a lot and have mixed unplaceable accent and people say my voice is too squeaky and quiet. When you seem unconfident people think you're lying. My voice on the outside doesn't represent me well. I am in my midthirties, and I have this silly goal that someday I want to go on stage and sing a karaoke song. Not because I want to sing well, but because I want to sing aloud. I envy people with confidence to speak, to be looked at. People who have a style of their own. I am considering getting a voice coach just to learn to be confident. I just want to overcome this very big little trauma.

I do love mice, but I am not a mouse.

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Recovery Journals / Re: TW: Bermuda's journal of memories.

« on: May 02, 2021, 12:24:23 PM »

Another post back to back. No trigger warning on this one.

I just kind of want to ramble and share a short story. After posting yesterday, I filled out this c-PTSD research questionaire and it made me feel a lot of things. As I worked through my thoughts throughout the night, this is what I concluded. My c-PTSD had nearly nothing to do with large traumas. Infact, it existed long before I experienced those events and when those events occurred they were not processed properly.

I have this memory that replays for me constantly that I want to preface with. It's not what anyone would typically consider traumatic, but for me, it was. My parents and I were shopping. My mother needed a new dress and my father needed something else, so they separated. Although my parents remained together until death, saying my parents did not get along is an understatement. My mother was angry and complaining about how horrible my father was, and me wanting to mitigate things, replied with an innocent smile, "Yes, those things may be true, but you love eachother."  I grew up being taught very traditional family values and it shocked me so deeply when my mother turned to me in her straight emotionless stare and said sharply, "Who said I ever loved him?" It was the facial expression that terrorizes me now, and terrorized me many times in the past.

This replays to me constantly as a deep traumatic event. The traumas that are listed in online questionaires, don't apply to my c-PTSD because my brain was conditioned for trauma at an early age. My c-PTSD undoubtedly stemmed from a lack of a consistent feeling of being loved, cared for, or having fundamental needs met, a lack of socialization, and a conditioning to minimize myself. In this way, I grew into a person who (in a sense) allowed other "big Ts" to happen to me because I couldn't even register them as traumatic. When life only gives you pain, you don't see pain in the same way. What is normal treatment to receive from other humans, how do you know what your needs are, and how do you advocate for yourself as a survivor or long-term mistreatment and abuse? Doesn't everyone face constant hardships? I know now nearly 20 years later, they don't.

I also now know that the things that happened to me, the big things, are big things. That's why those pop up from time to time, but mostly I am haunted by little things that shaped me as a person like, "Who said I ever loved him?"

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The Cafe / Re: The Potting Shed - Part 2

« on: May 01, 2021, 10:08:33 PM »

Catching up on missed potting shed posts has really cheered me up. Thanks! I do love weeds so.

My indoor permaculture jungle has been thriving. The weediest of plants is the mint, which is bursting out of its container desperately asking to be rehomed. It needs seemingly endless water, and the smell it releases reminds me to make sun tea every morning.

I have a calamondin tree that is fruiting nestled in the shadow of it's mother. When I water the calamondins they release the most pleasant dusty odor that is exactly like a summer rain storm. I would wear it as a perfume.

The largest monstera must be five meters tall by now. Even in the jungles of Guatemala I have never seen one like the one in my study. It outgrew its mosspole long ago so it trellises around a rod hung above the pocket doors and cascades from atop the bookshelves.

My plants make me feel loved.

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Research & Advocacy / Re: Trauma Survivors Needed for Research Study

« on: May 01, 2021, 09:52:27 PM »

As I feel I'm in a pretty OK place right now CPDTD-wise, I also filled out the first survey. I'm honestly quite disappointed in it.

The questions asked didn't seem to relate much to anything that real life c-PTSDers suffer with.

Which experience has bothered you the most this month? Umm, none of the questions asked had anything to do with my c-PTSD even though I had experienced nearly all traumas listed. C-PTSD bothers me the most.

The questions seemed bias toward the stereotypical accident having war vet with an alcoholic parent. Not saying that person doesn't exist, but most of us are not that person. It's more complicated than that.

On a positive note, maybe this research will uncover that information. It's more complicated than PTSD, those "little traumas" are the big traumas, and a lot of us are not actively disturbed by our pasts, but quite the opposite, the past disturbs us.

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Recovery Journals / Re: TW: Bermuda's journal of memories.

« on: May 01, 2021, 02:13:57 PM »

TW: I mention blood.

I'm currently having a mild panic. I am managing it, and I'm fine. My partner came into the bathroom behind me while I was bathing my little one. He stepped around me and I saw he had cut his hand, the surprise and sight of which made my heart sputter and my stomach turn. It was just a small cut.

The memory: My brother, the one I speak about most often who had the most difficulty... We were all playing separately one day. I was in the house. My brother outside. Our old house had decorative iron bars on the outside of the windows. My brother came in, he was bleeding seriously from his head. He was not crying, he was very quietly looking for a towel and going to hide. Another brother and I went to him. He had been climbing on the bars and was flipping upside down, and his hands had slipped, landing him head-first on the paving stone below. He told us not to tell.

My mother came in looking for us wondering why it was so quiet. She saw my brother covered in blood with a bath towel on his head and went into a rage. How could he possible think it's ok to use one of HER towels on his head? This towel is ruined, and he is going to have to work off his debt.

Thoughts: I don't actually remember what happened after the rage, I was only 5 at the time. It's just one of those life lessons that really stick with you. The fact that my brother knew he would be severely punished is so telling.

...So I haven't been posting, a lot has been going on in (my past) life, but I don't feel safe enough at the moment to talk about it. Maybe eventually, after I determine how it is I feel about it.

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Introductory Post / Re: Anyone else just shocked?

« on: April 13, 2021, 06:26:17 PM »

Same, same. Welcome to the group. It is somehow very shocking every time it replays, as if it is the first time I  am seeing my life. Maybe I am making new realisations each time.

It's easier to let go of some of the shame when you begin to realise how necessary C-PTSD was for you to cope, and how STRONG you actually are. I can't even imagine what you must have suffered with, but you are so strong. You're a survivor.

Thanks for the healing wishes, I wish the same to you.

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General Discussion / Re: Normal or not?

« on: March 24, 2021, 06:50:08 AM »

Thank you both for your comments.

rainydiary: Oh my goodness, yes. I have often thought I am on the spectrum, but it's so difficult since so many symptoms or criteria overlap with symptoms of trauma disorder. This is definitely one of those cases. I was just reading up on interoception and it's certainly a sense that I have trouble with. I tend to push everything until I crash completely or injure myself. Sometimes I forget I'm not other people, and I'm certainly not a mule. It's easy to forget. Also, my emotions are also up for scrutiny, how do I KNOW that my sadness is somehow grounded in now, and that it's not residual *ghost* sadness or secondary sadness. I see something sad, then I feel sad, but them AM I sad? My brain is a pit.

woodsgnome: This is also very true and relateable. I have never had a circle of friends. I can't manage more than one person, so I have always just had one very trusted person. One friend, one partner, one person. That's a lot for one person to live up to, if not impossible. I always wanted to feel loved and to have friends, but that just never worked out for me. I could not handle it. I am not really sure what love would feel like (how other people seem to experience it), and self-love is a distant hurdle. A friend pointed out years ago that I seem to love differently, which is completely true, and it makes me wonder if love is learned or if it's innate and damaged damaged.

I do everything to avoid feeling the distrust because I know the roof with collapse, and it's hard to only have on person, and it's even harder to think about having no one.

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Recovery Journals / Re: TW: Bermuda's journal of memories.

« on: March 23, 2021, 04:21:53 PM »

I have a lot of memories right now that flood my mind, I haven't had time to write them, because they flood my mind in the evenings when my little one wakes up in the night and I lay by their side.

I have been so anxious lately. I just feel like a ball of bad juju. I suppose that's a good metaphor, because sometimes it's as if I'm cursed.

Trigger warning: Animal abuse.

These memories are so triggering for me. Maybe it's as if these victims of my family were the least deserving. I felt that I was bad, and my siblings had certainly done bad things, but non-human animals could not do bad things deserving of harm.

The Memory:
The first memory that just repetedly bombards me is of my father. I don't speak of my father often, because typically he took the inactive role of accomplise, abettor, or instigator. This wasn't one of those times. We were on a roadtrip, the family dog was with us, and our dog travelled often with us. They were a former victim terrible abuse when we abused them. They had at lot of quirks. One was not relieving themselves at all during roadtrips. Even week long trips. Well, we checked into a hotel, and the dog deficated on the carpet. My father strung into a rage and started kicking the dog in the stomach at full strength repeatedly.

We all watched on, too afraid to try to stop it.

My brother abused animals from the time we were very little. I remember him laughing and showing off his lizard kabobs in the garden. I will not go into detail.

My mother often punished our animals on my behalf. I had kittens that I had rescued that she would have otherwise drowned. Because I had rescued them, they had to stay in my bedroom, and could never leave, and if they came into the home, or if she smelled them, they would be punished. I will not go into detail here either.

We had so many animals in our home who were witness and subject to abuse. We kept birds that were so stressed they plucked their own feathers out.

Often times I still feel like I'm the birds, like I'm the dogs, like I'm the cats, the ferret, the fish, the snakes, the iguana, the rabbits, the squirrels, the hamsters... Sometimes I find it difficult to tell if this is a ghost feeling, or if I'm still trapped albeit differently. I have this sick feeling like someone is kicking ME in the stomach.

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Introductory Post / Re: Doing a little something for myself (hello)

« on: March 23, 2021, 03:50:38 PM »

Hi Blue Rose, welcome.

I'm glad you found us. I've found this forum really helpful and supportive and I hope it is for you too.

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Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: In Law Woes

« on: March 23, 2021, 02:47:00 PM »

That is so much for me to process. I don't think I am quite as far along on my journey as you are in this area. It's really positive that you understand how your behaviours may impact eachother and that you are trying to work cooperatively. It is hard, as most of us know, to come to terms with our upbringings. Even those with not so traumatic upbringings, it's hard to call things wrong, to name a problem... And then the next step, to act and address it. I can imagine this may be especially true if you are the golden child. Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated by their parents and to maintain or excede the normative level of adoration. His not being there yet may come across as him not being your ally. It takes a lot of courage, and you did say you think he is changing too. Maybe it's just me projecting, but it sounds like you both are on the same path but maybe just traveling at different speeds. It's great that you two are communicating your needs to each other even if you are not able to meet each others needs in their entirety.

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General Discussion / Re: Normal or not?

« on: March 23, 2021, 02:31:20 PM »

Thank you rainydiary,

I guess going with what you feel is right makes a lot of sense. It's so hard for be to rely on emotion. Now that I think of it, I can't even tell when I am sick, or tired, or even hungry. I must have really severe trust issues.  I don't know how I feel.

Well, sad. I feel sad. I guess that means a lack of happiness, which means I should act on that. That makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

(P.S. When I reread over these posts, it sounds like I am joking. I'm definitely not joking. I really lack basic human life-skills.)