I am heading back to university. It has been causing me a lot of anxiety, and not in the ways people might expect. This will be rambly.
I have studied a lot. It's something I do, but it's extremely difficult for me. I was studying at this university (remotely) during the pandemic, and I stopped for a life detour. Now I am resuming my studies and had to go pick up a new student ID. I put it off for two weeks. I walked into the university and felt overwhelming panic. I am older, but it's not because I am going into my late 30's. It is this extreme feeling of being found out. I am so terrified that someone will speak to me, or ask me a question. I walked the stairs up and down just to avoid orientation. I felt like I was floating, close to tears, close to fainting. I did not orientate myself. I was just breathing and trying to keep my facial expression neutral as I walked up six flights and then directly back down. I just got an email saying my class has been moved to a different university building.
Educational trauma. I tried so hard growing up. I was never the best, and even if I had been it would never have been enough. I had an older brother who was always the smart one, even though he was not at all that. I worked so hard to be noticed and recognised positively. I did everything I was told, even tried to do the things I was told were impossible. I was made to write essays about my life goals only to be told that they were unreasonable and unattainable upon presenting them to my parents, and that I wouldn't be getting any support. I changed my dreams over and over again. I graduated two years early and was forced to apply for my own diploma. I applied to universities internationally but my parents told me to sign for them and refused to disclose any financial information. I had to figure everything out on my own and just make up what I didn't know.
After I had been homeless and on my own a couple years they found me. I was having a police officer escort me to my place to get clothes and bring me to a safe hotel. A note had been slipped under my door. I gave it to the officer and told him to read it for the record and not to tell me what it said. I told him it would likely start off nice and end manipulative and threatening. He told me that was basically correct. He said there might be something important I should know, and that is that I had beeen accepted to two very prestgious international universities. This was years later.
Once I wasn't just trying my best to stay alive, all I've done is study. I keep a binder full of certifications for no reason. I'm not driven. I don't work. I just collect papers, and I'm so terrified that someone will ask me why I am studying, what my goals are, what career I am in, and the thought of walking into a different university building makes me want to vomit. All I can do is try to be invisible like I did my whole childhood and hope no one asks me any questions and maintain a neutral expression. When I am floating around I am like a ghost and cannot reply anyhow.