Hi all,
It's been so long! I've been meaning to write, but life has been incredibly hectic and busy in so many ways.
A lot has happened since the last time I posted, positive developments for the most part.
I was just reading back what I last wrote, and was reminded of how I felt at the time. Being in the middle of that level of stress, and being in survival mode almost all the time, I was aware that I was stressed and unhappy but I didn't even feel the full extent of it. When I think back to that time now, I wonder how I got through it at all. It certainly wasn't sustainable or healthy, and I wouldn't have lasted there much longer (even though I'm sure I would have, hadn't I found something better).
My current job is so much better. I work at a different school, slightly bigger but better organized. It's a higher level, so I can teach more in depth rather than just trying to deal with behavioral issues all day. Of course there's always some issues, but I don't feel unsafe in the classroom anymore. I don't have to waste all of my energy on futilities like kids purposely stealing or breaking my materials, tearing down the classroom, starting fistfights, ignoring/bullying me (and each other), etc. At my previous job, every minute was about surviving. Every class and virtually every student, was something I had to 'face' and 'get through'.
At my current job, most classes are neutral and have fun, good or satisfying moments. There's the occasional rough one, like a class/student that I struggle with or a lesson that doesn't go as planned, but that may be one class out of the ten classes I teach. Or one or two lessons out of the whole week. Whereas it used to be every class, every hour, every lesson. So the balance has shifted a great deal. I can do my job so much better this way, and even enjoy it (or at least feel neutral about it) most of the time.
The main stressor with my current job, is workload vs. time. So much work, so little time. We all know that teachers are stretched thin, and this school is no exception. But the thing is, i'd rather be stressed over a heavy workload (and know that I can do what needs to be done, even if it does cost a lot of time and energy), than deal with the tremendous workload combined with the emotional stressors of feeling unsafe and being treated like dirt all day, and never getting any satisfaction or pay-off. If time is my biggest issue, it's not ideal, but it's still miles better than what I had before.
Aside from work, the other big life change: my boyfriend and I have moved in together.
It's so strange to think that a little over a year ago, I was headed towards becoming a single mom, at the top of the waiting list for a donor, and convinced that I could never have a healthy relationship (nor did I want one). And then I met someone who I only intended to have some fun with, and he turned out to be the love of my life.
It happened so quickly, but it wasn't hurried. We took our time and took it step by step, but things just progressed so naturally and steadily that everything developed so much faster than I could have imagined. We first hooked up in November of 2022, casually. By January, I realized I was in love. By April, we made things official. And in oktober, I proposed he move in with me, and in November 2023, that's what we did.
I love this man to the ends of the earth, he's my favourite person on the planet and I love him more every day. Never have I met anyone who makes me feel so comfortable and safe, I can be myself completely with him, and he does the same with me. He's such a genuine person, so grounded, open minded and honest. At the same time, he knows how to tease me and keep me on my toes, we have so much fun together and he always knows how to make me laugh with the most unexpected weirdness. He supports and takes care of me, without coddling me or taking away from my autonomy. I trust him completely, which is something i've never experienced before. I never knew I was capable of loving like this and having a healthy relationship, but he's proven me wrong. Turns out, it helps to have the right partner, haha. Who would've thought.
In the beginning, being in a healthy relationship often triggered me. For example, if he was "too quiet", i'd be reminded of all the times in the past that i've had the silent treatment, and so I'd immidiately start wondering what was wrong and feeling all that dread come rushing back. But along the way, with my boyfriend being who his is, being so mature, genuine and consistent, I quickly collected good experiences to counter that, and learned to trust him. Now, whenever those triggers arise and I start thinking doom-scenario's, all I have to think is: "Hang on, this is Nick we're talking about."
And sometimes, it would be the good stuff that triggered me, because i'd suddenly discover that I dealt with so much cr*p for so many years, and it turns out, that's not "just the way it is". I'd feel bad for younger me, and the fact that she never knew that love could feel good.
Obviously i'm not magically 'healed'. But being in a healthy relationship is a healing experience in itself, and a good place to work through things and grow.
And having a better job, closer to home, with a consistent income and without the insane emotional toll, also does wonders for my mental health.
So I would say i'm doing a lot better than I was, that's for sure!
Anyway, i'm going to go and put dinner on, as Nick will be home in a bit (and the first one home, does the cooking, haha).
I hope you all are well.
It's been so long! I've been meaning to write, but life has been incredibly hectic and busy in so many ways.
A lot has happened since the last time I posted, positive developments for the most part.
I was just reading back what I last wrote, and was reminded of how I felt at the time. Being in the middle of that level of stress, and being in survival mode almost all the time, I was aware that I was stressed and unhappy but I didn't even feel the full extent of it. When I think back to that time now, I wonder how I got through it at all. It certainly wasn't sustainable or healthy, and I wouldn't have lasted there much longer (even though I'm sure I would have, hadn't I found something better).
My current job is so much better. I work at a different school, slightly bigger but better organized. It's a higher level, so I can teach more in depth rather than just trying to deal with behavioral issues all day. Of course there's always some issues, but I don't feel unsafe in the classroom anymore. I don't have to waste all of my energy on futilities like kids purposely stealing or breaking my materials, tearing down the classroom, starting fistfights, ignoring/bullying me (and each other), etc. At my previous job, every minute was about surviving. Every class and virtually every student, was something I had to 'face' and 'get through'.
At my current job, most classes are neutral and have fun, good or satisfying moments. There's the occasional rough one, like a class/student that I struggle with or a lesson that doesn't go as planned, but that may be one class out of the ten classes I teach. Or one or two lessons out of the whole week. Whereas it used to be every class, every hour, every lesson. So the balance has shifted a great deal. I can do my job so much better this way, and even enjoy it (or at least feel neutral about it) most of the time.
The main stressor with my current job, is workload vs. time. So much work, so little time. We all know that teachers are stretched thin, and this school is no exception. But the thing is, i'd rather be stressed over a heavy workload (and know that I can do what needs to be done, even if it does cost a lot of time and energy), than deal with the tremendous workload combined with the emotional stressors of feeling unsafe and being treated like dirt all day, and never getting any satisfaction or pay-off. If time is my biggest issue, it's not ideal, but it's still miles better than what I had before.
Aside from work, the other big life change: my boyfriend and I have moved in together.
It's so strange to think that a little over a year ago, I was headed towards becoming a single mom, at the top of the waiting list for a donor, and convinced that I could never have a healthy relationship (nor did I want one). And then I met someone who I only intended to have some fun with, and he turned out to be the love of my life.
It happened so quickly, but it wasn't hurried. We took our time and took it step by step, but things just progressed so naturally and steadily that everything developed so much faster than I could have imagined. We first hooked up in November of 2022, casually. By January, I realized I was in love. By April, we made things official. And in oktober, I proposed he move in with me, and in November 2023, that's what we did.
I love this man to the ends of the earth, he's my favourite person on the planet and I love him more every day. Never have I met anyone who makes me feel so comfortable and safe, I can be myself completely with him, and he does the same with me. He's such a genuine person, so grounded, open minded and honest. At the same time, he knows how to tease me and keep me on my toes, we have so much fun together and he always knows how to make me laugh with the most unexpected weirdness. He supports and takes care of me, without coddling me or taking away from my autonomy. I trust him completely, which is something i've never experienced before. I never knew I was capable of loving like this and having a healthy relationship, but he's proven me wrong. Turns out, it helps to have the right partner, haha. Who would've thought.
In the beginning, being in a healthy relationship often triggered me. For example, if he was "too quiet", i'd be reminded of all the times in the past that i've had the silent treatment, and so I'd immidiately start wondering what was wrong and feeling all that dread come rushing back. But along the way, with my boyfriend being who his is, being so mature, genuine and consistent, I quickly collected good experiences to counter that, and learned to trust him. Now, whenever those triggers arise and I start thinking doom-scenario's, all I have to think is: "Hang on, this is Nick we're talking about."
And sometimes, it would be the good stuff that triggered me, because i'd suddenly discover that I dealt with so much cr*p for so many years, and it turns out, that's not "just the way it is". I'd feel bad for younger me, and the fact that she never knew that love could feel good.
Obviously i'm not magically 'healed'. But being in a healthy relationship is a healing experience in itself, and a good place to work through things and grow.
And having a better job, closer to home, with a consistent income and without the insane emotional toll, also does wonders for my mental health.
So I would say i'm doing a lot better than I was, that's for sure!
Anyway, i'm going to go and put dinner on, as Nick will be home in a bit (and the first one home, does the cooking, haha).
I hope you all are well.