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From everything I've been reading about disassociation, it can be a form of the learned protective behaviour of escaping from the here and now.  "Busy Making" to keep the mind occupied, a form of flight response.  If you are taking up room in your brain with nothingness like "vegging" in front of the TV or gaming or other forms of mindless tasks, it is allowing you to "not" have to deal with feeling the inner emotions of pain, abandonment, anger, fear, sadness, etc.  I've been doing it most of my adult life unfortunately.  It is a very hard habit to break.  This is what I understand it to be unless it is a complete disassociation that creates another person to deal with those emotions....  Not sure if I said this in the right way.   <3

I'm am so grateful that I have access to the internet and was finally able to understand fully that "It was not me", "I am not crazy", "I am not being paranoid", etc. 

One day as I was searching for the traits of a family member, trying to figure out what is wrong with her, I came across an excerpt from a book and I had a small breakdown.  A large part of my entire life that I was never fully able to explain was written down for me to read by someone else.  As if they had interviewed me and wrote my story.  It was devastating to see the truth written down on paper.  But oh, so very clear.

Because of what I found that day, I am able to move forward.  I am no longer in pain because I was never good enough.  I am no longer "begging" for what was never there in the first place.  I am forever grateful that I read those words and have found people who I can share my burden with.

I am relearning inner child healing and using it continuously.  I had to start at the stage of a little one in diapers and have moved through a few ages.  I am now starting at my 12 year old.  I'm sure I will go back to an earlier child again but for now, this feels right. 

I was given a gift that day I found the excerpt.  I wish it had come many years ago but better late than never.  I am tired a lot and sad a lot and it sure feels like a lot of work, but it is work that I want to do more than anything I've wanted in a very long time.  I'm a very hard worker.

I am grateful that I still have life left and the courage to find and love the little me that they tried to destroy.  They tried really hard to destroy me but I'm still here....   

 
Well said Foggy!  So clear when the fog has lifted!!     

For a long time I have felt anywhere between empty, angry, hurt, scared, in shock, embarrassed, etc.  It's hard to comprehend how a person can feel so many different emotions but still feel empty.  Reading all of these posts have made me realize that "love" has been missing from the list....  I know I can love because my heart feels full when I think of my children even though I've actually wondered if it was love or need.

I think I can say now that it is love that I feel but it's been "self love" that's been missing....  Maybe that is why sometimes the emptiness is there.  Because we have to work at feeling the self love and more comfortable giving it to others as we have been conditioned to do in so many ways. 

I read that it's a fine quality to have when we show compassion to others but we are taught not to feel compassion for ourselves because it's selfish.  For "normal" people, I guess growing up, they didn't need to teach themselves compassion because it is given by caregivers.  When we are deprived of that, we don't know that we are allowed to have a self let alone nurturing the self. 

I've been spending most of my time nurturing myself (child within) and sometimes even that seems like soooo much work.  But when I'm in there with my child I'm so happy.  So I keep forcing myself to do it.  I've been getting sad lately because she's been sad but at least I'm feeling something.  I'm angry that so many fundamental things were taken from me but I keep thinking of my sweet revenge of not being broken. 

We are here for a reason.  We are not broken.  Sometimes we just get tired.  You're allowed to be tired sometimes so rest up and love again.  xo   

Thank you Boatsetsailrose, glad to be here 

Thank you Laynelove
I haven't written to my child but if I were to do it, it would be the most important letter I've ever written.  Imagine that child is lost and you've been searching for a very long time.  She/he has been waiting for a very long time.  Imagine all of the things that someone should have said to you or done for you.  Imagine all that you weren't given.  Imagine the compassion you would give to someone that you knew went through what you went through.  Now pour that compassion into that child.  You can start by hugging her and telling her how beautiful she is.  You can tell her that you've been searching for her.  You can tell her that she can trust you because you know her better than anyone ever could and that you are there for her.  Start small and it will all come.  You don't have to do it all at once.  Just remember, she is your child and she needs to be loved and treated like the child she is.  You are going back to help/protect/love/comfort/laugh/cry, etc.  She is not waiting for you so she can comfort you (the adult).  You are the adult that is going back to give her what she was never given. 

Hope this all makes sense.  You don't need to write anything.  Just lay back and imagine.  Breathe, relax, then imagine you are in the safest most beautiful place there is.  She is there waiting for you.  I do it sometimes when I wake up but before I actually get out of bed.  No-one has to know anything except you.... 

You'll get it.  It gets easier as time goes on and you'll look forward to spending time with her...  xo

I really understand about the "ending when they die" comment.  My main abuser died about a year and a half ago (my aunt that raised me) and she died of cancer.  I hadn't had contact for years but when she died it was a relief and I felt that she deserved the pain that ended her life.  I feel the same way about all of my mother's family and one of my sisters.  The world will be a better place without their toxicity and each time one of them leaves, it's a better place to be.  xo

I've been doing just that.  It works and it is amazing when you get used to it and realize you can give your child what they lacked growing up.  I did it years ago and have been back at it.  I believe that any inner healing has to start from when abuse started and sometimes you go back even farther than what you thought you should.  If you can do it every day for at least 21 days, it is good.  Or at least as much as you can.  It takes 21 days to form a habit so it makes sense that I needed to form a new habit of nurturing my child.  I am still doing it most days and I now know that I will do it often for the rest of my life. 

I use a 34 minute hypnosis recording done by Donald Currie which I found on YouTube.  He has a great voice and it is easy to follow him.  After the first couple of times, I started stopping the recording before he brings me back from my journey so that I am able to spend more time talking and laughing and just holding my child.  I just quickly put on a new recording that is relaxing spa/bath music. This is a quick version of the one that you could purchase but I am short on funds so I make do. 

When I am finished, I return to Donald Currie's recording and finish it up.  He's very gentle and supportive throughout the entire process.  It is very much worth it.  My child has surprised me at times and actually got me laughing.  I've sat there in the dark with my headphones on and a goofy grin on my face because she is awesome. 

My first trauma was the murder suicide of my parents when I was four, almost five years old and then continued with mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from there with my relatives that I ended up with.  But when I spend time with my child, she is usually in a diaper.  That was just a natural vision for me.  I've spent time with her at around 7 years old too but for now most of my time seems to still be in a diaper.  I'm not sure of the age because I was still wetting the bed at night when my parents died.

I hope this helps and I apologize for rambling on.  It's so good to be able to share.  xo

Thank you both for your replies.  Yes, the need to heal has a tendency to make me so focused and serious but I have a couple of great people around me and am still able to laugh.  I plan on getting Peter Walker's book "From Surviving to Thriving".  I have visited his website and it helps to validate everything that's been going on with me.  I feel blessed that I've finally been able to put into words (or at least read someone else' words) all of the many things that have been wrong.  So glad I've found this place.  Thank you for having me. 

I'm new here today and am not used to forms but am determined to heal.  I've spent my life angry, hurt, devastated, confused and scared.  Always so scared.  Abuse started just before age five and I am 51 now.  I don't want to be scared anymore.  I want to take back what was taken from me over these many years.  My Soul, My Essence, Me.  The little me that didn't have a choice and the grown woman that I wasn't allowed to become.