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Messages - Pollyanna

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Liliuokalani,
I know exactly what you are describing. You're def. not crazy for feeling this way either.

This is based on my own recovery. I can only speak for myself. I would describe this feeling as being triggered into a Shame Spiral. I suffer from Sexual Anorexia. Basically sexual self hatred and hating my body. (b/c I blamed myself for the abuse) I don't anymore, but I used to be angry that God made me attractive. I thought if I were less attractive, none of the abuse would have happened. I wouldn't have been the one chosen.

When this happens I want to disappear. I get very hypervigilant that every man near me is staring at me/objectifying me.  I am def. the most modestly dressed female I know. I'll even wear jeans during the summer so I don't have to show my legs. Wearing shorts for me, feels like I'm so incredibly exposed. I almost always wear a sweater or a hoodie. In the last few years I finally realized why I do this. I was sexually abused in childhood, during my teenage years, and also in my marriage. The perp. in my teen years constantly objectified me and made comments about my body that were disgusting and so inappropriate. His behavior was very voyeuristic. Sometimes when certain men objectify me, I get triggered and spiral down.

I've done a ton of work in recovery. One thing that helps me the most while I'm in the middle of this kind of shame spiral is to start doing positive self-talk and giving myself affirmations.
"Pollyanna, you're safe right now."
"Right now, you're an adult. You're not a powerless little girl."
"The man who looked at you is not your perp. You're safe."

-Pollyanna

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Excellent video bheart! Thank you. Brought up so much sadness and anger. I heard a lot of hope too.

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