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Messages - snailspace

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Sexual Abuse / Re: Question that came to my mind from reading a book
« on: June 10, 2021, 04:20:54 PM »
Hi Hope
This link might help explain why the book The Courage to Heal is controversial.  It was written at a time (1988) when certain ideas were sweeping USA and certainly UK - recovered/false memories.  Unfortunately my NM cottoned on to these ideas and did a lot of damage.
However I think if it was helpful to you at the time then that is all that matters.

I cried a tear (yes 1 tear) when my mother died 5 years ago out of sheer relief that she was no longer alive and I was eventually free of her.  I've often wondered if I should be grieving, not for her but for 'the mother I never had', but no feelings have arisen, and I can't summon them up, not want to if there's nothing there.
I had no connection to her whilst she was alive so I think my current 'feelings' or lack of them reflect that.
She was a complete blank in my life and I don't miss her, or rarely think of her.
I'm not sure if it's a 'normal' state of affairs, but then she wasn't normal.
I had a dream not long after she died where myself, dad and siblings were sitting down for a meal together,  It felt nice and comfortable occasion, then my dad asked "where's your mother", so me, the dutiful daughter went out of the room to look but she wasn't there.  I returned and we carried on with our meal.  It was a lovely dream and I awoke feeling very calm and at peace.  So  I've taken heart from this dream whatever it means.
I hope you find some peace and relief now she's dead.

Other / Re: Chronic pain
« on: May 26, 2019, 10:14:25 AM »
Rainagain, sorry to hear you're suffering chronic pain.
I can identify.
I've found this resource very helpful to do with the mindbody connection.  Georgie Oldfield is a NHS trained physio and is following on the work of John Sarno.

Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: Making a list of abuses
« on: May 04, 2019, 10:02:05 AM »
Hi Oscen

I really admire the work you are doing, and at a much younger age than I was when I first starting figuring things out.
What helped me was writing out a timeline - I found that it offered me a framework, a context within which to place these experiences in.  For me it didn't diminish any of the abuse - events still come back to me today as I sometimes relive the full impact.  Growing up with an (undiagnosed) NPD mother I was often confused as to what was going on, especially as I was gaslighted to makes it seem as if it wasn't so bad.  I've spent many years adding things up but it has helped me by slotting these into the timeline to also get some distance.

Hi Oscen

The relationship dynamics within your FOO sound complicated and confusing for sure - but it looks like you have a good insight and understanding.  I hope this will help you work out the best way to approach FOO members to benefit yourself, or protect yourself as necessary.

I'm interested to read that you identify with the Lost child/invisible role.  I started researching NPD and family roles way back in 2012 (whist experiencing a particularly horrible time with my NPD mother) and immediately spotted myself as occupying this role from childhood, all a bit weird really isn't it?  So many aspects of this conditioned behaviour I can relate to, even now it's still a job to work out what my 'real' personality is and who is the 'conditioned' me?! 

Also never 'met' another LC/invisC although I have been on a few forums so would be happy to discuss this with you if you wish.

Atm I've only skim read your other posts with regard to your sister.  I'm also struggling to resume some sort of sisterly bond with my GC sister since our NPD mother died. I'm finding it painful and difficult, I phone her once a week for an hour to see if she's ok.  It's 80% talk about her and more of a counselling session (although I'm not a counsellor I find she puts me in that position) and leaves me drained for the rest of the week, but I want to continue even though I don't feel much hope that we'll bond as we did when we were little.  Knowing how hard this is I wish you all the best.

Professionals (GPs/Therapists/Lawyers...) / Re: Medical notes.
« on: January 19, 2019, 08:15:23 PM »
Perhaps the protocol is that if you request your records from the therapy provider as a private individual you'll need to pay, whereas if the records are requested by the GP surgery (as Rainagain suggests) it's all part of your NHS treatment.  Just a thought??  I find the whole system a minefield especially with so many fields contracted out, and have often found out how things work by accident almost, listening to others.  Definitely wishing you luck with this one Libby!

Hi again Libby
Do you remember the incident your son is talking about?   And how he could perceive this to be scary for him?  Perhaps this is part of his condition but like I say you'll know how his mind works.

I think I'd be upset.  my grown up children have been scared of me at times when I've got cross with them for not doing such and such, especially when younger.  But they know that I love them.  I hope your son can take in a little of your point of view and realise that you love him. and that you can repair  your relationship with him.

I've heard that which memories we recall from the past tell us more about our current state of mind - I have no idea if this is true and has any bearing on why your son has said all this now? 

Best wishes to you Libby

Hi Libby

You sound a wonderful caring mum and I'm full of admiration for you caring for your son and dealing with his behaviour.  I've worked with autistic people but have no direct experience and can only glimpse what it must be like day in and day out.  You know your son, what motivates him and what threatens him so if I was to give you any advice it's for you to trust your instincts on this one.

I agree with Wattlebirds suggestions about giving validity, time and stabilty.  Probably all the things that you've been doing already bringing him up, but perhaps even more so now given the potential change for him.  It must be so hard and painful for you right now, given the circumstances and your own cptsd issues and my heart goes out to you.

Regarding the cptsd I know for myself that i feel overly resonsible for everything and everyone.  If someone in the family is in a bad mood I feel instantly guilty - I recognise this now as it's been pointed out to me so it is getting better and I can stand back a bit.  I gather that these patterns can become more exacerbated if one feels under stress.  If your son is old enough and deemed mentally capable of making his own decisions then he can do this.  It may help him feel more in control of his his life - even if money is the motivating factor!  (it may be also be his comfort fall - back?)

It sounds as if you've been very careful with your children in keeping your arguments private and out of ear shot of the children.  I can picture the scene as I've seen so often with the autistic daughter I'm currently working with....mum endlessly trying to coax daughter into doing something, both parents totally fed up and then dad coming along and bribing daughter with what motivates her.  Yes! needless to say daughter is a daddy's girl. 

Therapy / Re: Paranoid verus hypervigilence
« on: January 15, 2019, 07:34:21 PM »
Well done Malt for dealing with this situation so well!  I do wonder though if it's in the therapist's manual to apologise for causing some confusion in their clients by their choice of words.  Clearly you are not paranoid in the very reasonable way you handled this, and hopefully she'll see this.  Personally I would hate for a therapist to hold such an inaccurate description of myself (this has happened to me)

I do hope that she understands about  the effects of trauma.  Unless you've experienced it, 'get it' it can be hard to understand.  Is there a requirement for therapists to have experience adverse situations, or to have undergone therapy themselves?  Not as far as I know.  It's a choice of career only.  Even if they advertise as such.

Wishing you all the best


Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: End of marriage
« on: January 12, 2019, 11:29:21 AM »
Hi Libby

Read your posts and just want to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you right now.

I can see how worried you are about your adult children taking sides, and I think your instincts are right about trying with them.  This situation may be very confusing for them and they may need time to work things out for themselves.  I can't imagine how hard it must be for you though, and how potentially triggering. 

Have you thought about getting an appointment with Citizen's Advice?  They deal with marriage breakups with regard to housing, benefits etc etc  You may get an overview of your situation and discover options which perhaps you hadn't considered.

Wishing you all the best.

General Discussion / Re: In the wrong support group
« on: October 10, 2018, 11:05:26 PM »
Sorry to hear of your experience eyessoblue. 
Also from the UK.  A friend is training to be a therapist, the most unlikely person ever to my mind.  She has completed 1 years training with a company which now apparently qualifies her to work as a CBT therapist with the NHS (there is a shortage of trained staff)  as CBT is classed as 'low key'.  Hardly a mentally trained health professional.  Depressing.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Difficult week
« on: June 03, 2018, 09:31:58 AM »
Hi Libby

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, unfortunately I have been there in part but have no idea if my reply be helpful for you.

The sticking point for my T was that I couldn't 'grieve my mother'.  She had recently died and apparently this is something which everyone needed to do because it was natural and rooted in biology.  Perhaps T meant to say it was about grieving my loss of mothering, she didn't explain but often came out with these clumsy platitudes. At any rate I'd hardly begun to process what had happened to me and it was all too premature but she 'banged' on  - her words - because she viewed it as essential to my healing.

I couldn't do what she wanted so then the labelling, coercion and controlling took over.  In the end I had to ask for permission to speak.  She became like my narc mother - it wasn't transference. 
I became a failure and told her I couldn't "do" therapy.  In actual fact it was because I couldn't do her type of therapy, she couldn't change her approach however much I asked her (I found the role play useful so wanted to do more of that) and due to my background I wanted to please her and found myself getting drawn into more of her 'reality' whilst losing a grip of my own. 

It took me a while to recover Libby.  I did something similar by writing and seeing another T for a short time who helped me work out my vulnerabilities and how my upbringing has affected me.
It's your T who failed you Libby, not you, but I do understand why you are feeling this way.  Goodness knows why, perhaps lack of imagination, but she couldn't understand your particular circumstances.  Not a failure on your part.  Like I say it's taken me a while and it's helping me by writing this out now, that my T wasn't competent in treating trauma otherwise she wouldn't have said those things.  She was merely repeating a script she had learnt. 

My T's opinion was wrong for me.  She held an opinion that's all, but in my world still I do find it difficult to recognise that.  Please remember Libby that you have your own views which are true and important to you and no one 'should' shame you for that.  It's difficult though if you are like me and lack the confidence to  hold them.

I have learnt a lot about myself although the whole experience was horrible.

Best wishes Libby

Thank you very much Sanmagic for all that you do and for opening up this opportunity to comment.

I still find it difficult to talk about what happened when I was retraumatised in therapy but have tried to summarise it as follows:  My therapist created a new situation, a new reality, then blamed me for it when I became panicky and couldn't cope with therapy.  In some twisted logic she then suggested I forgive myself for the situation which she had induced.

Being the daughter of a narc mother it was a repeat of the situation I had grown up with, and sadly very familiar to me which is why I tolerated it for so long even though I became highly anxious and suffered nightmares etc.  All of which she blamed on my resistance and unwillingness to work with her.  I can't believe it now in the cold light of day but she actually told me to put my hand up if I wanted to speak, like a child in the classroom.

Hi Slim, yes I can feel like this also.  Fear of 'being seen', 'put on the spot' in similar situations you described.  Also having to second guess the 'right' response which can sometimes result in confusionwhen I guess incorrectly.  I'm not sure how to deal with it either but the idea of it being an EF, well I'll have to consider that one but thanks 3 Roses.

Symptoms - Other / Re: New symptom worries
« on: November 08, 2017, 11:33:49 AM »
Hi Rainagain, sorry to hear about your new symptoms but good to hear that you think you have found a name for it.
I gather Peter Levine has written about this subject but others may be able to fill you in a bit more.
Good luck.

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