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Messages - Bluegem

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Recovery Journals / Re: Bluegem's Journal 2021
« on: January 08, 2021, 09:44:29 PM »
I have been feeling really tired this week don't know if this is related to being busy at work but it feels more emotional to me.

Maybe its because I have been reading quite a lot..
2nd read & highlighting (kindle app) of the Body keeps the score
Self therapy IFS book

Maybe its also because I have been reading forum posts that evoke lots of feeling & memories, especially when things & situations I read are similar to my own experiences.

The one thing that really stood out to me this week was my anger!

My OH and I had a small argument over a really small unimportant thing but I felt that he hadn't taken on board my issue and negated my feelings and I was just  so full of anger ( it felt more like rage I think) I could feel my skin was burning and I couldn't even look at him for several hours & didn't say more than a few words all evening.  I just did not want to engage with him at all.

But it really scared me as normally I just don't do anger. I am the nice kind accommodating people pleaser.

My anger/rage was out of all proportion to the situation but it made me realise that I have huge difficulties with this emotion & would normally avoid expressing it in any way. :Idunno:

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: January 08, 2021, 09:16:43 PM »
Mojay I am so sorry that you are having a really hard time right now. Sending you a hug  :hug: I hope it helps even just a little.

Things will change, they always do eventually but I understand your feelings of being stuck right now especially in the current situation & lack of sleep really doesn't help either.

I had to return to my FOO home after leaving a traumatic situation ( thankfully the only one in my adult life) and it was truly awful, I was sleeping on the sofa for 6 months and I tried to be there as little as I possibly could but eventually I was able to find a new home & a new life.

You seem to have a good therapist who picks up on things like changing SRRI & your nightmares and you can talk through things with them. Its not much but At least its something.

Take care and I hope you feel a little better now & that you get good rested sleep this evening :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: January 05, 2021, 09:47:37 PM »
I hope you are feeling better now not alone  :hug:

It is always amazing  to me that we can function perfectly normally  to everyone else when there is a whirlwind inside us.

Pets are so soothing for the soul  :)  I miss having a pet.

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: January 05, 2021, 09:38:22 PM »
Well done Mojay on starting your journal  :cheer:

I was very moved by what you wrote,  I think that you have great insight  on your trauma and have clearly completed a lot of work on it.  I am sorry that you feel so bad about your choices and actions in the past. This comment really struck me, maybe this was also an unconscious driver together with drink at the time.

i feel like i didn't deserve their love.

I think a lot of us feel that way I know I do sometimes and sometimes we can behave how we unconsciously feel.

I've discovered that a lot of my lies and hiding come from having to hide my emotions growing up and having to hide why I was so "out of control" aka distressed. I have felt so much shame and felt that I would be rejected if I was truthful about my intense need for compassion.
I especially felt I'd be rejected by romantic partners (aka people who were supposed to care about me differently than my friends) if I was truthful about the CSA/SSA.

I could have written this, I have never discussed the details of my trauma with my other half ..I cannot get the words out I just become instantly upset even thinking about it. I guess I also have the fear of rejections a huge feeling of shame even though I was only a child.

What is rTMS treatment I have never heard of this?
It certainly seems to be helpful

I just wish I had started treatment earlier. I always had a feeling I should be in therapy, but never knew how to "do it

I  tried to bury my thoughts/feelings for a long time but eventually this only caused depression and non stop flashbacks until I had to seek help. 

I hope your posts prove as helpful to you as mine do to me ..even though I have only done a few so far! :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: January 05, 2021, 08:43:07 PM »
Hi Blueberry

You are right, inside you know the steps that you need to take in that moment to get you where you need to be. I love your concrete beneficial Steps (especially no.1 ) it sounds like you have been very busy  ;) I am glad you are busy researching your schools and that your pets are comfortable  :hug:

Do you mind me asking what pets you have?

I am lucky no laundry, cooking, or shopping for me to do as my OH is not working at the moment due to covid so he does all that.
I do need to take some concerted steps forward though problem at the moment is I keep swapping between books ,videos etc and not sticking to anything.

Recovery Journals / Re: Bluegem's Journal 2021
« on: January 04, 2021, 10:09:27 PM »
Thanks for the hug Marta 1234 & the comments too.

It does feel good to just spend some time on me & my thoughts & makes me want to move forward...even if that is only slowly.

Finding I am swapping between books a lot at the moment ..I need to choose one & just read it  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: January 04, 2021, 09:59:26 PM »
Blueberry I am so happy that things seem to be moving forward for you in the last few days,  :cheer:
your comments on your friends singing and your thoughts about it struck a chord (haha) with me, I sometimes feel so stuck &  am afraid to try anything new as my FOO's negative comments immediately appear before I even start.
My OH bought me a piano for my birthday & I am really glad to say I am enjoying it although I play 'quietly' & alone or become really self conscious.

I feel the pain of unsupportive  & deeply critical FOO's. It can be so hard to stop hearing the voices. I was never encouraged to do anything, no birthday parties, trips to zoo's ( or anywhere else) no hobbies etc, There was only their wants nothing else.

Good luck with your application you can do this :) , you have done so much already.

I wanted to write a longer reply but I will do this tomorrow now.
Sending you some positive thoughts to help with your application  :heythere:  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Bluegem's Journal 2021
« on: January 03, 2021, 11:47:35 AM »
Hi Mojay

I hadn't thought of the CTRL F aspect  :applause: yes I think that will be helpful too.

I have only just started but I hope I will keep it up.  I have wanted to keep a diary for a while but I couldn't keep one at home as I am too afraid my partner would find it.  It is only me & my partner but although he is aware of my Emdr sessions, getting a therapist & in the last year deciding to have no contact with my mother he is not aware of the 'whys' I just can't find the words to talk to him about it ...even though we have been together for 17 years !!!

I also think having a community that understands helps, it is so nice to find somewhere to share a little of our burden while being understood, guided & welcomed without judgement.

I will look forward to your journal if you decide to start one too  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Bluegem's Journal 2021
« on: January 02, 2021, 09:37:22 PM »
Thank you so much sanmagic7 & notalone  :wave:

I had a nightmare last night or more accurately this morning about my stepfather. I think it was probably due to my reading last night.  It was so strange, I had moved to a new house which had two front doors but for some  reason the front doors were one after the other & he had a key. He was threatening to hurt me if I told my mother about his abuse (this was pretty ironic to me).  In the dream I also had a friend with me who was trying to call the police but she couldn't get through to them.

I tried not to think of it too much, when I did some emdr I had a lot of dreams but it was such a helpful therapy for me that it was worth it.

Today I also took the Christmas card my mother had sent me unopened from my desk drawer & threw it away, it was such a relieve to have it out of the house.

The rest of my day has been good apart from the occasional thoughts of work to come on Monday when I know I will be really busy but at least everyone I work with is great and I know many people cannot say that or have no job at all.

Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: January 02, 2021, 09:11:28 PM »

It sounds like you are having a hard few days right now and I hope in a day or two you will find the energy to move forward a little even if that's just clearing the books up  :bigwink:

I hate the word 'should' it is so full of judgement  - usually about ourselves.
I prefer to 'could' (or can or choose) but I am not always successful.

sending you a hug Blueberry  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: January 01, 2021, 09:39:24 PM »
Sending you a hug Blueberry  :hug:
Sometimes you just have to accept you are where you are ..& that IS OK

...but tomorrow is a new moment ..see you then  :heythere:

Recovery Journals / Bluegem's Journal 2021
« on: January 01, 2021, 08:17:32 PM »
Feeling kind of weird writing this... But also excited too.
I guess there is no other way to start a journey than with a 1st step, so here we go!

I hope starting this journal will make me reflect & be clear where I am going & help me to really see my thought processes etc by noting them down.  So often I have  profound realisations about my life but rather than them sticking in my brain they are carried off on the wind.

I intend to set goals for myself to help me move forward I have just started re-reading 'the body keeps the score' & I will make a list of the books I am reading - a few I have read once, some started but then stopped & some I have yet to get too.

I know some days will be good, some bad & some indifferent but I will keep moving on.

Today was good & bad ..It was quiet & I got some reading done but I also got triggered & ended up in tears something which hasn't happened for a while but I couldn't explain it to my OH.  That is always the worse wanting to have my pain understood but being totally unable to put any of it into words.

I hope that some way along my journey I will be able to do this .. Just a little bit would be & mean so much.

Here's to the beginning   :hug:

I believe it called maladaptive daydreaming or MD.
I know it well  :whistling:

I probably spent at least an hour or two a day on this activity sometimes much more depends on how much time I am free & alone.

I have very well defined stories and a character for each story ( I am always someone else never myself and always 'better' ie more attractive, special & others want to be me)

  They were my coping mechanism through childhood, I think it is an escape from real life which allows me to step away from my inner feelings & try on different clothes (if you know what I mean)
I have thought of maybe writing them down as stories ..maybe that would separate them from me a little.

Introductory Post / Re: Finally saying hello
« on: December 30, 2020, 12:36:16 PM »
Thanks Blueberry, Marta123 & notalone for the welcome   :wave:

Thanks Woodsgnome :wave: I am going to start a journal ..seems a little strange for me to think about writing my thoughts 'in the open' (well sort of  :blink: ) when I don't feel comfortable writing anything down at home.

Thanks too Hope67  :wave: I have just started reading your journal & the IFS sounds very interesting so I plan on ordering some of the books.  I also looked at the Carolyn spring website & went to order the free taster info ..but backed out as it wanted phone number & address to order them but I am interested in whether they are helpful.

Introductory Post / Finally saying hello
« on: December 29, 2020, 04:35:01 PM »
I have been reading the forum posts on and off for a while now and finally decided to take the plunge and say hello and thank you all for your comments and encouragement to everyone...this just seems like a really supportive place.

I have not 'officially' been diagnosed as having cptsd but I seem to have a lot of the symptoms & an ace score of 6 so I guess I don't need the confirmation just a way or ways to make it better and easier to live with.

I have had a few Emdr sessions which really seemed to help with intrusive thoughts etc & I had just been assessed for some therapy when lockdown started but we were unable to meet face to face and  unfortunately it wasn't something I feel I could do over the phone or via video so I decided to work on my own for a while.

Please say hello  :wave:

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