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Messages - Blue Rose

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Recovery Journals / Re: Blue Rose's Journal
« on: May 06, 2021, 09:41:49 PM »
First, I want to say thank you Armadillo, Kizzie & Blueberry. Your messages have really helped. So my second biopsy came back as fibroadenoma so that can stay there. I got that result yesterday. But it's full speed ahead with surgery to take out the phyllodes tumour. I had to go in today for pre-admission appointment and was able to say I have PTSD and hypervigilance which they have flagged up on the system. They also encouraged me to tell the surgeon & anaesthetist on the day (next Thursday). Thank you Kizzie for helping me to give myself permission to not just say everything is fine. It's a relief to be able to say I might need a bit of extra support.

Introductory Post / Re: Hi Everyone
« on: April 23, 2021, 08:01:52 AM »
Hey shuffles, welcome and good to see you. I just wanted to say I so relate to the crippling anxiety that makes it hard to even talk to people on the phone. Also I find my efforts at recovery and healing can get hijacked just trying to survive each minute. But I'm hoping that coming here to OOTS will keep me on track at least with self-compassion for my CPTSD and I hope that for you too.

Recovery Journals / Re: Blue Rose's Journal
« on: April 23, 2021, 07:53:23 AM »
So my F has been diagnosed with later stage Parkinson's disease and me and my siblings have been doing battle with my NM to try and get her to accept my F is ill and in need of care and support. We have got a little bit of home care in place, just two mornings for 2 hours but at least that's something. I feel a bit conflicted because my S has been brilliant but she also does some crazy (to me) things like encouraging my F to walk without his frame to "help his confidence" and I just want to help that he has later stage Parkinson's and that's just such a silly thing to do.

I have now had a diagnosis for one of my breast lumps which is possible phyllodes tumour. So it's got to come out. And they think another lump in other breast is also that, got biopsy on Monday, and that might have to come out too. And the surgeon said they might have to operate twice to get clear margins. So while it's not nasty, just fast growing, it is a bit complicated and can come back so it's a bit daunting. It's also rare, like 1% of all lumps. I feel unlucky and at same time, well that's just my luck.

I'm quite tired of feeling intense anxiety all the time. I hate my job too. Also worried because when I had surgery before I had panic attacks afterwards for years because of  (I think) my CPTSD hypervigilance means I panic when coming round instead of relaxing. I know I have to have the surgery because this thing will just grow, but I find it very hard to submit to care of others. It does not feel safe.

Mother's/Father's Day / Re: Mother's Day 2021
« on: April 20, 2021, 11:35:25 AM »
Yes, the strength for self-compassion is what you need and deserve Armadillo. And you are not a bad person. It made me smile that you have gone to the trouble to get a card for your kids to send if you decide that's ok for your kids and you. Mother's Day was in March here. I didn't send a card or buy a gift this year. I didn't mention it or make excuses why I hadn't. I just didn't want to. And I don't feel guilty, instead I let myself not feel the burden of misplaced duty.

Also, I read this recently which was helpful & am reposting here for you:

This is wonderful to hear Panda. It has really cheered me up thinking of you just chilling out while the roofers do their job.

Recovery Journals / Re: Sage's Journal
« on: April 20, 2021, 11:14:03 AM »
This is so heartening Sage, that kindness exists. And it does, you give a little and you get a little, and the amazing thing about it is that it goes such a long way. Here's to kindness. Your kindness, Sage. The kindness of the pink teacup lady (and I love that you asked for this & received it). The kindness of the beautiful note lady. It's so lovely to hear so thank you for sharing.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Help! Any tips from fellow OOTS members?
« on: April 19, 2021, 11:17:55 AM »
Blueberry and Kizzie, thank you both for replying and for your helpful suggestions. I am attempting to separate the people from the problem - so plan to try and help my parents think through things by looking at them objectively and trying not to let emotions get in the way. Think this will also help my CPTSD - my anxiety levels and SOT/hypervigilance are really bad at the moment. Although it's helping just to post that fact on here. Which is a comforting thought. I had my first Astra Zeneca shot on Friday and felt quite rough Friday night and Saturday but trying to keep positive that it's progress. Also got results of breast biopsy on Wednesday at hospital. I just heard a colleague's husband is going into hospital on Wednesday for a cardiac procedure. I sent an email saying she was in my thoughts and sending best wishes and also sending a document she was planning to read tomorrow so that she didn't have to hunt for it. She sent an email back saying I am star - how nice. It made me cry and say out loud that I just want someone to think of me. So it's lovely to know on OOTS that people are. I really appreciate it.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Info about Dealing with Parents
« on: April 19, 2021, 11:08:31 AM »
Kizzie, you are so thoughtful, thank you for sharing.

General Discussion / Re: Lockdown vs recovery
« on: April 15, 2021, 10:32:22 AM »
I just wanted to send some healing wishes your way jamesG.1. Yes, thank goodness weather is picking up. It has been so difficult this winter. That's great news you've had your first jab and second one is due soon-ish. I've got my first jab tomorrow. It does feel like progress. I really hope you can back to the office soon, it is extremely difficult being stuck in the house for hours on end trying to work. I'm on a fixed-term contract due to end at end of July and I confess I am now counting down the weeks as I feel like I can't do it any more and I have found lockdown has really exacerbated EFs. My SO has been very supportive of me taking a break from work for a bit and I think that will be good, but I realise I am so fortunate to be able to do that. Hang in there, we will get through this.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Help! Any tips from fellow OOTS members?
« on: April 15, 2021, 09:54:13 AM »
Hello all, my Dad has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. He has had a tremor for years and years, but over last 24 months or more had been gradually slowing down, but then had a really rapid deterioration from January this year onwards. He can walk using frame, but is unable to do much self-care and needs a lot of support. Unfortunately my FOO includes my NM - and it is her behaviour from my earliest childhood onwards that is the cause of my CPTSD. As you might imagine, she is finding my Dad's illness really difficult to deal with. They can afford to buy anything they need and pay for carers but of course she questions everything me and my siblings suggest that might help. Even to the extent of questioning his need for a second plastic urinal bottle in case he needs to use it twice during the night. When I went round this morning to check on Dad I discovered she had turned the heating off in his bedroom and it was freezing in there. It feels like deliberate cruelty. She also said "he soon complains if anything isn't right" in a really mean way. My Dad is so vulnerable now, I feel so worried and don't know how to handle my mum. I'd really welcome any advice you have. Dad has never stood up to Mum all their marriage - she has always belittled him in front of others and been incredibly mean about allowing him to spend money on anything he wants, so I realise some things are never going to change, but just need some strategies for how best to deal with things right now. Thank you.

Recovery Journals / Re: Blue Rose's Journal
« on: April 12, 2021, 10:14:56 PM »
Things are a little difficult right now. A week ago my Dad was admitted to hospital after a sudden decline. He is back home with my NM which is a bit of a worry. My sister has been brilliant and I've been helping as much as I can but am now back at work. We are trying to model empathetic care to my NM but not sure how much we can rely on her to step up. Also on Friday I had to go to hospital myself for tests on breast lump. They did two biopsies and then found another lump in other breast. I get results in 10 days. Surgeon said it was likely a fibroadenoma but on ultrasound said it didn't have typical appearance of fibroadenoma. What to think?

Introductory Post / Re: Anyone else just shocked?
« on: April 12, 2021, 10:04:11 PM »
Thank you for your healing wishes, InTheQuiet. They are needed. And sending same to you. I read something recently that said with CPTSD you are not broken in need of fixing, rather you are deeply hurt in need of care. Be kind to yourself.

Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
« on: April 05, 2021, 01:08:40 PM »
Hello Snookie, your last entry really resonates with me as I have just come to a similar realisation. There is a definite pattern to every job I've had, and your experience that at every job you always reach the fever pitch stage for one reason or another is exactly my experience too. I think with the realisation that the constant factor is us, also needs to come with a massive dose of compassion and self-care, because it is as a result of CPTSD. And somehow that understanding needs to be a first step in being kind to ourselves about this. Sending you a hug as well if okay with you.

This notion of Outer Critic is really interesting to me. I have noticed a pattern in all my jobs where I start off with a strong inner critic, am crippled by procrastination which is related to perfectionism. And this is all part of my CPTSD (I'm prone to forget or ignore this important point). But then I also do this thing where I start to think my line manager is a bit stupid (they are not, they are just human, like me). Anyway, what happens next is I find a new job. It happens every time.  The kind of work I do can leave me very emotionally overwhelmed, and I've made the decision that my current contract will be my last doing this kind of work. But it's interesting to me to see this pattern repeating itself over and over. Does anyone have any more thoughts on how to understand the Outer Critic and why it does what it does?

Recovery Journals / Re: Blue Rose's Journal
« on: April 04, 2021, 06:09:41 PM »
Thank you for the welcome Owl. I am grateful to have found this forum.

I have been much more relaxed this week for not being at work. I returned to work (a new job but same type of work) in late 2019 after taking around 18 months off. This was following a period of sick leave before I resigned from a job. But very soon after returning to work I felt similar to how I had felt before, full up and overwhelmed. So I think I really know now, after trying again, that maybe the type of work I do isn't good for me. And that maybe it's okay to acknowledge that, and it's not about giving up or not being good enough. It's about self-care.

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