So when I analyze my life I think of 'the good times' when I had the energy to be hyper vigilant and the now times when I am so overwhelmed I can barely function.
At the very least when I was hyper vigilant I was functional and doing things. Now it is just sleep. Sleep, paranoia, and whenever someone walks behind me a chill runs down my spine.
My transition from hyper vigilance to just overwhelmed and nonfunctional was pretty awful. During the transition I blamed myself for my life choices and felt that I was choosing to be lazy. If I could just manifest the energy I could do what everyone else was doing. So when I resigned myself I thought it was a choice, a thought process, a fault. I was in complete denial of anything being mentally wrong with me. And because I denied my mental health condition, everything was my personal responsibility.
When I resigned I became so overwhelmed by vigilance that was when I was my most suicidal. When I wasn't paranoid I was sleeping. When I couldn't be my vigilant self any more, I started to change to be so inactive and depressed that I couldn't keep up with everyone else. When I would compare my value to everyone else's , my value seemed to plummet.
I really wish I could have told myself back then 'don't blame yourself it isn't your fault'. I know that is so cliche. But I really wish I could have communicated that with myself. It can be really hard to get that idea across because people sometimes think you are just patronizing them. To overcome the self blame much faster than I have, I would have told myself my life story, compared it to others, recognized that it was fundamentally different. Recognized that the physical and emotional abuse put me in a different category mentally than other people. It changed me, and that stress is something I deal with every day that many people do not even recognize.
At the very least when I was hyper vigilant I was functional and doing things. Now it is just sleep. Sleep, paranoia, and whenever someone walks behind me a chill runs down my spine.
My transition from hyper vigilance to just overwhelmed and nonfunctional was pretty awful. During the transition I blamed myself for my life choices and felt that I was choosing to be lazy. If I could just manifest the energy I could do what everyone else was doing. So when I resigned myself I thought it was a choice, a thought process, a fault. I was in complete denial of anything being mentally wrong with me. And because I denied my mental health condition, everything was my personal responsibility.
When I resigned I became so overwhelmed by vigilance that was when I was my most suicidal. When I wasn't paranoid I was sleeping. When I couldn't be my vigilant self any more, I started to change to be so inactive and depressed that I couldn't keep up with everyone else. When I would compare my value to everyone else's , my value seemed to plummet.
I really wish I could have told myself back then 'don't blame yourself it isn't your fault'. I know that is so cliche. But I really wish I could have communicated that with myself. It can be really hard to get that idea across because people sometimes think you are just patronizing them. To overcome the self blame much faster than I have, I would have told myself my life story, compared it to others, recognized that it was fundamentally different. Recognized that the physical and emotional abuse put me in a different category mentally than other people. It changed me, and that stress is something I deal with every day that many people do not even recognize.