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I recently started my first job, so this is the first time I've really had to get to know people since school (in my 30's now), for all of my anxiety I can actually get on with people quite well

I've been trying to get to know this one person at work and they are really nice, we chat a lot at work and outside of it for a few months now. But I can never shake the feeling of I'm going to ruin this 'Am I trying too hard? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I texting too much etc etc' You get the picture but its constant and exhausting and over every little thing

I've asked for reassurance, been open, tried to be myself and I'm doing that as much as I have ever done with anyone. They have responded kindly to me asking for reassurance but I can't do it all of the time because other people have stuff going on and it annoys people. I ask other friends about but again I can't do that all of the time, my T asked if I could try reassuring myself and I can sometimes but it's so relentless. I don't really know what to do, it's taking up almost all of my mental energy trying to make sure this one person continues to care about me and I'm not taking good care of myself elsewhere. Obviously this mirrors my childhood but I just don't want to do anything else and I am not able to force myself

Does anyone have any advice/stories from their own life that might help me?

One of my closest friends got annoyed at me because we had plans this week and the previous night I went out at the last minute with another one of my friends - so I was hungover for the next day. He said I 'ruined the night already planned' I think that is exaggerating it, he got annoyed and was saying things that 'i am so easily controlled' and calling me names.

I'm very self protective from the CPTSD and I don't respond to it, really I don't feel much about it at all. I felt angry and upset briefly but for literally 5 seconds. I think I tell myself that I can handle the relationship ending and just become defensive - we've known each other for 20 years so I don't think that's an appropriate response but it is a learnt one.

I know ultimately it'll be fine and we'll talk again soon - is there anything I could do differently in that situation? He gets annoyed easily and has trouble letting things go, I can relate in some ways but I am more anxious and I won't let the worry go. I don't think jealously is involved. The situation is a bit childish but I want to know if I could take into account his feelings more - my people-pleasing is so much stronger with my other friend so i think whilst i am not outwardly dismissing his feelings i am doing it inwardly. And i know my response is not the most appropriate.

Feel free to be as honest as you can be, some of you might be able to relate to my friend more than I can.

I'm going to try and keep a journal about my recovery. I'm spiraling a bit at the moment and it feels like every day is hard, I've had 2 periods in the last year lasting a few months where I would say I'd have 6 good days for every bad one. It feels like the reverse at the minute and I am not finding much solace in the usual places.

I was going to go running this morning and flipped out when I couldn't find my running gear. It made me think that I need some help and I've booked an appointment with a therapist for a week on Monday. I contacted an old therapist a couple of weeks ago but she has closed her practice, my first therapist I had issues with not because of her but because I wasn't ready to deal with my issues I spoke a lot about relationship problems I was having and not about the deeper trauma I have been through. I had some progress but I felt a sense of wanting her to like me so I would avoid telling her things when they got bad again plus it was 7/8 years ago so I didn't have the understanding I do now.

I really struggle with doing things for myself, so if reading the journal you want to 'nudge' me in the right direction I think that would be helpful. I don't know what it is but I feel like if someone tells me to do something I'll do it but if I have to figure it out myself often every choice I make I end up feeling bad about it.

TW

I think it might be because I used to have a frequent dream when I was younger where there were 2 versions of my abuser (my father) I knew one of them was good and one of them was bad, as I kept having the dream I would desperately try to follow the good one around but whatever happened it didn't work and I would wake up after getting what felt like an electric shock. There were no good choices then, I'm not sure how that translates now but i think it probably does in some way.

Does anyone else find they are constantly altering between anxiety and depression? As I get older it seems to happen quicker but I am not sure

I find it exhausting, e.g. on Tuesday I had anxiety which made it difficult to do anything, I didn't punish myself I tried to find some ways to cope and found it by re-reading a book I bought a couple of years ago. Yesterday was great but now today I woke up and I'm just really low energy and can't think straight (it may be linked to waking up in the middle of the night after a trauma related dream) but I don't know. I know I can just go for a run and I'll feel better because it isn't really bad but I find the constant nature difficult to manage

Can anybody relate to this?

Hi, I am in my early thirties and have never had a proper job. I experienced frequent abuse when I was younger for a long period of time, and I discovered Pete Walkers book last year and I found I related to most things he wrote about in some way.  I somehow got through school (I guess I'm okay if I am doing something for someone) but when I got to university and I didn't magically turn into a different person I struggled and dropped out because I had no motivation.

I slowly have learned to look after myself in healthier ways, and in the last year I have completed 3 courses, one of which allows me to become self-employed and another that was in customer service. But now that I have to either find work I am terrified, I have a very poor self image - if someone offered me a job I'm confident I could function within it, but actively looking for work is scary to me to the point where I have never done it, I was struggling financially last year and got an interview for a supermarket but I couldn't do the video interview.

Does anyone have any advice?